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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect kids to better behaved at my house?

56 replies

whethergirl · 17/06/2011 23:50

A friend pops over occassionally with her 2 kids but I just find it so chaotic when they are here and wonder if I'm expecting too much for 5 year olds or whether mum should reign them in a bit? Ds is ok usually but also sometimes breaks certain house rules when they are here. Behaviour includes:

Keep hassling the dog when I can see he's had enough despite repeated requests

Leaving dog biscuits in little piles on the floor to feed dog - when asked not to countless times on previous visits

Not taking off wet shoes that have been in rain when coming in from garden - when asked not to few minutes previously

Continously going into my bedroom when explained it's out of bounds

Rifling though the kitchen cupboards rather than ask me when they want a snack

Not EVER helping or offering to help tidy up toys after visit when toys left all over house

Using bed as trampoline

To use my clean hair towel (only clean one left!) to wipe wet trampoline without asking

Shouting "NO!!" when I say something like "Can you please leave the dog alone now"

I do like her kids, they are very lively and make me laugh a lot, and I'm glad they feel comfortable in my house, but feel they should be taught to have a bit more respect when in someone elses house?

OP posts:

BurningBridges · 17/06/2011 23:53

Sounds like they have no respect for you, doesn't their Mum say anything? Hard work!

AgentZigzag · 17/06/2011 23:55

Other peoples (and your own) DC can go a bit OTT when round at somebody elses house (showing off mostly ), but it's up to the parents to see it and sort them.

What was your friend up to when they were creating havoc?

peeriebear · 17/06/2011 23:55

I wouldn't put up with ANY of those things! Completely rude and out of control. YADNBU.

BooyHoo · 17/06/2011 23:56

i think it might be time to introduce some consequences. your hosue your rules. if your friend has a problem with you sending her child to the naughty step then she needs to discipline them herself.

FabbyChic · 17/06/2011 23:57

None of those things are that bad to be honest, and are just normal behaviour for children of that age, they try it on it's what they do, test you to see how far they can push you.

If any one ever went in my cupboards Id have chopped their hands off. I always used to say I don't have anything to give you.

Teachermumof3 · 18/06/2011 00:03

What do you say when these things happen? If my kids' and their friends was going in my bedroom and jumping on my bed, I would go out there and ask them to come out and shut the door behind them. I would then be 'cross' if they did it again! What does your friend say when you are stopping them?

Original poster

whethergirl · 18/06/2011 00:04

Mother tried to calm them down but didn't seem to succeed. As an example - I say "Ok, out of my bedroom please, you can go in any other room"

child "no, I like it here"

Me "Come on, chop chop, go and see what ds is doing"

"NOOOOOOOOOO I want to stay here"

mum "oh come on ds"

child "No, I like it here"

mum "I know you do, but you have to come out"

child "oh please can I just stay here for 5 mins"

mum "well, i'm not sure whethergirl wants you to....you've already been in here 5 mins anyway..."

Whereas I would be "DS, how dare you go in here again when asked not to, if you do it one more time we're going home, OUT NOWWWWWW"

OP posts:

Original poster

whethergirl · 18/06/2011 00:09

fabbychic, I know it's normal child behaviour to a certain extent....it does leave me wondering if i'm too strict with my ds!

The other thing I don't like is one of them calls my ds "stupid" if they start arguing. DS has never name called and would be in a lot of trouble for calling someone stupid. But the mum just says very patiently "oh come on, you don't mean that, what's the matter, why are you arguing?"

OP posts:

worraliberty · 18/06/2011 00:10

Jesus Christ even my own kids are not allowed in my bedroom..I'd be buggered if I allowed anyone else's in there

No way is that behaviour acceptable and to be perfectly honest, it wouldn't happen in my house.

I'm not over the top strict by any means but if people don't respect my home they can feck off..that goes for kids and adults alike.

TheFrogs · 18/06/2011 00:13

YANBU. I'd never allow my kids to behave like that in someone else's house. They wouldn't dream of it. They might not always behave for me but they aren't cheeky and know their manners where other people are concerned!

AgentZigzag · 18/06/2011 00:17

I agree that it's totally normal behaviour for 5 YOs, but you have to pull them up on it.

Could the mum not want to shout the place down tell them as strictly as she normally might because they're at someone elses house?

And if she's got two, then she'll be used to refereeing them and be taking it more in her stride, whereas if you've only got the one DS you're just stood there at the rumpus two of the little blighters plus your own can make

We only had DD1 for 9 years and I was always amazed at how much noise DC can make when they're doubled in numbers

TheDogsAintTheProblem · 18/06/2011 00:18

YANBU. I'd have been horrified if my children had acted like that when they were younger (much less now of course!) and furious if I were you. You're handling it in just the right way IMHO but if the mum is letting them get away with being so disrespectful I can't see what else you can do except stop inviting them over.

As my name might suggest the tormenting the dog issue would be a deal-breaker for me, forget the rest! Maybe explain to both DC and mother that you will NOT be sympathetic if your dog growls or snaps at the DC as it will be their own damn fault?

Original poster

whethergirl · 18/06/2011 00:22

Yeh AgentZigzag, I think the reason I feel so frazzled is because I'm just not used to it, going from 1 kid (who knows the rules and normally sticks to them) to 3 overexcited kids is a bit much for me.

The mum is also frazzled but a bit resigned to it all. Also, she is just not as strict as me (not that I would call myself strict) and her place is a tip!! She is very much of the opinion "oh they're only 5" and makes more allowances than I would.

OP posts:

Original poster

whethergirl · 18/06/2011 00:25

Thing is everyone knows the dog is a complete softie and never bites or growls - just whimpers and tries to run away :-(. The kids are not intentionally trying to torment him, but after half hour of being constantly picked up, taken for a ride in the pram, trying to be force fed and "groomed", the poor old thing just wants some peace.

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TheDogsAintTheProblem · 18/06/2011 00:30

If anyone treated my dogs like that (well, admittedly they'd have a job, I have a Lab and GSD's!) I'd throttle them with my bare hands! No way would they be invited back... it's even worse when you know that the poor dog is too nice to complain.

Horrible, horrible brats!

tb73 · 18/06/2011 00:33

I have a friend that has no respect for her own house let alone mine! Her children are the same. I find it very difficult to say anthing and it is starting to affect our friendship as I don't want them at mine because they always break/stain/ruin something and leave lots of mess and I don't want to go their because we have to drink from unwashed cups and the house is filthy.

My house is pretty average, not overly tidy/clean so I am not being fussy at all but we have all had a stomache bug from their house in the past. She also allowed me to babysit when her children were sick and didn't tell me - the first I knew of it was when one of them threw up on me!
I really believe in live and let live and would never want to hurt my friend's feelings but with a new baby I can't stomache their house or put up with them in mine.

Original poster

whethergirl · 18/06/2011 00:35

I got so upset for him that I ended up shouting at my ds "just LEAVE HIM ALONE" even though I knew it was mainly the other two (and ds is as good as gold with him normally). I had to literally stand in front of him and guard him. Kids mum did the usual "oh come on kids, it's not fair on poor doggy"
kids: "BUT I WANT TO CARRY HIM!!!" mum: "I know, but he's just a bit tired of it now...." . Bit flaky really.

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AgentZigzag · 18/06/2011 00:36

But if the DCs don't have any pets of their own TheDogs, they might really zero in on the interaction a dog can give.

They don't sound to have been playing roughly or with malice with the dog (or the OP'd given them what for) they just didn't know the rules.

Bet dog thought all his birthdays came at once with them giving him piles of biscuits

DooinMeCleanin · 18/06/2011 00:42

Do you have a dog crate. I found this worked when dd1's new friends would leave my cat alone....

Newfriend: What's that
me; It's what the pets use so they can have some peace when they need it
NF: Oh, do they go in there to sleep?
me: No, I lock children in there when they won't leave them alone after they have been asked to
NF:

Seriously, I would be having words with your friend. She should be taking him home if she can't keep him relatively calm and obeying your rules. I'm also very blunt in telling children my pets will bite them if they torment them, even though Whippy and Fat Cat would chew off their own tails before they bit a child and I don't allow new children near Devil Dog until I know them well enough to know they won't crowd him, because he would bite, without a shadow of a doubt, he would.

Next time she asks to come round tell her yes, but if she does not control her son, you will have to start meeting elsewhere.

perfumedlife · 18/06/2011 00:45

I could have wrote this post op Drives me mad. I only have one ds, but if I had a dozen kids I still wouldn't let them away with half what I see. Ds had a school friend round last week who poured candlewax all over my living room rug, when ds told me I thought he might be joking. Asked the boy what happened and fully expected him to deny it. No, brazen as you like, told me he just 'felt like it'

Told him mum and she changed the subject. That's why kids do it, no consequences. I am still waiting on an apology.

Salmotrutta · 18/06/2011 00:45

Oh dear - your poor dog!
My worry would be if he got thoroughly fed up (and who could blame him!) and nipped them. All hell would break loose then and the poor dog would possibly be blamed.
And jumping on the beds/going into your bedroom?? - not in my house, not even with my grandchildren. My kids didn't get to do that and neither did their friends. What on earth is the matter with parents who allow their kids to do this at other people's houses??

Salmotrutta · 18/06/2011 00:48

@ perfumedlife - the mother changed the subject?? Blimey - I'd have been incensed!!

perfumedlife · 18/06/2011 00:53

Salmotrutta, a week later and I'm growing an ulcer over it

Must learn to say no. The irony is, ds is so self contained, he actually can't be arsed if pals come round or not, finds them a bit annoying and loud. I keep having them thinking it's good for him. Maybe I should just not bother?

perfumedlife · 18/06/2011 00:57

Can I just tell you btw Salmotrutta, I love reading your posts, you crack me up. Want to be you when I grow up

ps. Totally sober, just insomniac. And ulcerative.

Original poster

whethergirl · 18/06/2011 00:57

What annoys me even more, is that because the mum is a bit flaky and doesn't put her foot down, I feel like I'm being petty because I keep going on until behaviour has stopped.

For eg, the bedroom thing, her child said "But why can't I be in this room? Why is it naughty?" And mum said "It's not really naughty sweetheart, it's just that some people like to keep their rooms private". And then kid said "But that makes me sad that I'm not allowed here" and mum says "I know darling, don't be sad, you can still have fun in the other rooms." It then gets to the point where I feel like I'm the one making a big thing out of it, only because it becomes an issue because it's a reocurring thing and child never leaves room straight away.

And then when she did finally leave, she snatched a bra on her way out which the dog was seen sporting later.....

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