to expect kids to better behaved at my house?

[whethergirl]

A friend pops over occassionally with her 2 kids but I just find it so chaotic when they are here and wonder if I'm expecting too much for 5 year olds or whether mum should reign them in a bit? Ds is ok usually but also sometimes breaks certain house rules when they are here. Behaviour includes:

Keep hassling the dog when I can see he's had enough despite repeated requests

Leaving dog biscuits in little piles on the floor to feed dog - when asked not to countless times on previous visits

Not taking off wet shoes that have been in rain when coming in from garden - when asked not to few minutes previously

Continously going into my bedroom when explained it's out of bounds

Rifling though the kitchen cupboards rather than ask me when they want a snack

Not EVER helping or offering to help tidy up toys after visit when toys left all over house

Using bed as trampoline

To use my clean hair towel (only clean one left!) to wipe wet trampoline without asking

Shouting "NO!!" when I say something like "Can you please leave the dog alone now"

I do like her kids, they are very lively and make me laugh a lot, and I'm glad they feel comfortable in my house, but feel they should be taught to have a bit more respect when in someone elses house?

But difficulties can still occur. For example, I really don't think it's ok for my friend's dd to call my ds "stupid" (it's always said in a vicious angry manner)

No you are right, being out of the house only restricts some of the fall out from "incompatible parenting styles". [shudders as remembers last visit to science museum in the company of others]

I try to pay greater attention to my first response these days, if an invitation or an offer of a meet up sets off a notable, instant, inner groan, I wriggle out of it. I find that DS and I are fairly synced in our first responses which really helps. Would be so much harder to do if he were pleading to spend time with people that got up my nose.

But that is in the context of my not being very invested in the idea of having lasting friendships. I'm a forces baby so the concept of letting people go as part of the normal scheme of things is probably more natural to me than trying to maintain a friendship. Which I don't think is the standard outlook for most people, who grew up placing more importance on the longevity of connections.

I have a friend who we met through my ds3 (boys were friends). The first time we went to her house, as we walked in the door she said "Bob, please show ds3 the house rules". They were made very clear and she stated a few times that if they are broken, they would all be made to have timeout and clean up and that ds3 would not be invited back (they were 10 at the time!).

Now I could have thought "sheesh rude!" but instead went straight home and made a set of house rules and a set of pool rules and have had them stuck up in the office and by the pool. Seems to work like a charm if for no other reason other than you can say "You read the rules and that is not allowed?". The pool rules are a lot stricter and visitors are not allowed to swim unless they have read and agreed to the rules. (No ducking, no diving in shallow end, no pushing in, no running round pool - things like that).

I know it seems OTT but really, its your home and anything that gets ruined, damaged, someone hurt - it all falls on you.

Nuttychic, that's a great idea about writing up a list of rules.

ledkr - I would find it really difficult to talk to my friend, she does already have issues with her kids behaviour at school and gets quite down about it. I don't really want to rub it in.

fastweb - this is the thing, I don't really want to risk losing her friendship over this, for many reasons - we work together for one - so I see her all the time and probably will for years to come. I say more than most as it is, and do gently put my opinion across ("Well tbh, if my ds got caught doing that at school there would be no tv for a month").

ElizabethDarcy - actually there is a very specific reason they come to my house but don't want to give away too many details. Otherwise, yes, it would just be easier to stop the house visits.

For those of you saying, just physically lift them up...are you kidding, they would go MENTAL. I don't want to end up with a black eye.

Sunny - I can actually lock my bedroom door and thought about doing this. I initially felt weird doing it but I think it's got to be done.

Isitreally - you're right, come to think of it, she is quite awkward when trying to deal with her kids at times. It's not shyness, I've known her years and she's lost her temper plenty times when I've been there. But she does sometimes have this weird way of telling her kids off as if she doesn't fully believe she should be or that she fears she might make matters worse - and I think they pick up on this.

I would lock your bedroom door for sure, next time, then. If the dog wouldn't mind being locked in the bedroom too, then that would solve a lot of the problem at a stroke. When they asked why the door was locked, I think personally I would tell them the exact truth - "Because I know I can't trust you not to go in there, although I have asked you not to many times before." In the long run I think this would be doing both the children and the mother a favour, to bring home to them that their behaviour is something that some people just don't find acceptable.
If it was me, I would prioritise getting the dog out of the situation, and I wouldn't worry too much about being tactful, either. If it's not too hot and the area is safe, maybe you could put him in the car during their visits, if you have one and don't have a crate, or maybe there is another room you can lock or put a bolt on the outside of. But I would say something as firm as, "no, you can't play with him any more because you don't stop when I ask you to, which is cruel and may mean he could snap at you." If he ever did snap, it's his neck on the line, not theirs, like the terrible case of the dog that bit a toddler after the toddler had put about fifty staples into it, and then got put down, poor thing. Even if your dog is never driven over the edge, it's not good for them to learn it's ok to treat dogs like that, because the next dog may not be so patient.
Poor you!

The mother is totally out of order. If she cannot control her own DC's when they out she should not take them out until she learns to respect other people! I'd be furious witht the way she is behaving. Its not the DC's fault - they are being taught that its you in the wrong - which you are most definately not! She is taking the piss. Your house, your rules. Throw a few comments in about how hard it is when other people come over and disrespect your idea of common courtesy - not implicating her, maybe invent a relation that comes over and the kids do this and that - ask her is she has anyone who does this to her and can she offer some advice? Just a thought...

Yanbu

I wouldn't have them in my house tbh.