Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To ask DP to stop calling the cat names?

144 replies

DropRedFred · 17/06/2011 13:25

The cat belongs to DD and she is very protective over it. DP keeps saying it is fat and calls it chubby chops etc. It is a little overweight but these names really upset DD and when I ask him not to do it he says I'm being ridiculous and the cat won't be crying itself to sleep over it. But I explained it upset DD and he said she needs to learn not to be so sensitive which I thought was a bit off.
The cat's name is Sookie and DP has a habit of calling it "sooks" for short. DD has asked everyone in the house not to do this as she likes the cat to be called by it's full name yet again DP insists on going against this and constantly calls it sooks.
I know it's only a cat but when it's upsetting DD and causing arguments AIBU to expect a grown adult to just call the cat by its real name and not make remarks about its weight all the time?

OP posts:

MrSpoc · 17/06/2011 14:28

Crazy Post Op and i am still not sure if this is not a wind up.

Your partner is not using this as a power struggle (he is only shortining the name) i do this all the time and is natural to me. My son is called Ethan and i always call him Eth. Same with every one i know really. So I think your daughter is being a little unreasonable.

What is your partner like with your daughter. Does he wind her up or do they get on?
How old is his son?

Sounds like your daughter never had bounderies and now there is a man in the house she is struggling to accept sensible bounderies and now is acting out.

Did your daughter order you about or did she ask you to do stuff? (there is a difference).

I am also concerend about all the posters automaticlly jumping in saying how partner is sub bullying your daughter. CRAZY

buzzsore · 17/06/2011 14:29

Because the dp has just moved in and they're becoming a blended family, Agentzigzag. Why not give the teen a break over the bloody cat - he's the adult?

RevoltingPeasant · 17/06/2011 14:30

OP I don't have DCs yet but I have some experience of 'blended' families and pets since my DM got a new DP a few years back.

We are all grown-up, unlike your DD, but one recent issue is that we all feel the DP is not nice to the family dog. For example, the DP will push the dog away if she comes up for a cuddle and call her smelly etc.

I find this annoying behaviour even though I'm an adult. I think if I were your DD, I'd be thinking,

'This is my home. This man just moved in here, laid down all these new rules that make me feel like a baby, and starts being nasty to my pet, who has been here way longer than him and whom I like better . He can piss off!'

Okay, a childish reaction - but she is 13 fgs, not 16 or 18.

I don't think calling the cat 'Sooks' is an issue but calling it fat is. It feels like a nasty dig.

MrSpoc · 17/06/2011 14:30

He has not just moved in it was over 12 months and we do not have enough info into the Partner / Daughter dynamics and if thet get on or if partner is always having ago

SuePurblybilt · 17/06/2011 14:30

Granted the OP was a bit sketcy in the info department but some of the later posts calling her precious etc were a little OTT I think. One suggested telling her to man up and ignore the names until the DP, the adult in the situation, 'got bored' and stopped. That seems like a screwy way of looking at it to me.

BooyHoo · 17/06/2011 14:31

mrspoc do you also call your son fat? shortening teh name is fine. insulting their appearnce is totally different and to a teenage girl, appearnce can be very important.

Ormirian · 17/06/2011 14:33

It's a bit daft but if it upsets her he should stop doing it.

superjobeespecs · 17/06/2011 14:34

yeah she is!! i had a step dad come into my life when i was 11 and with new rules etc you buck up and follow them or question them not use a cats name as a petty ruse to have a dig at new step father.

MrSpoc · 17/06/2011 14:34

I dont call him fat but calling a cat fatty is not gong to hurt the cat. If he was calling the cat a cunt, shitty bollocks then yes she would have a point.

Glitterknickaz · 17/06/2011 14:35

You should hear what I call my cats....

superjobeespecs · 17/06/2011 14:37

saying that with the lack of stable bedtime at age 12 the OPs daughter had seems she's had it fairly easy no wonder the step dads butting in!!

excaligirl · 17/06/2011 14:37

I don't think 12 months is really that long a time when you are talking about something so fundamental as home and family. Realistically it's going to be an ongoing process and 13 is a difficult enough age for a girl anyway.

OP said, "I just feel like it's all starting to implode, nobody is getting on and nobody is willing to compromise." So there are obviously more family issues than just her DP calling the cat fat despite knowing it upsets her DD. DD is probably picking up on that and being the one who speaks up and brings the conflict out into the open -- despite knowing it turns her into a target.

AgentZigzag · 17/06/2011 14:37

Just thinking back to the way I flounced from the dinner table at 13 YO because my Dad had the audacity to offer me some more peas, I'm not convinced it's 100% about blended families or the DP bullying her to take charge.

It had nothing to do with the peas for me, and everything to do with being bolshy and taking offence.

Like mrspoc says, we don't know enough about the family relationships involved to be sure, I feel sympathy for the DD and the DP, but mostly for the OP who's stuck in the middle though and has to deal with a 13 YO.

BooyHoo · 17/06/2011 14:38

mrspoc do you really need it pointing out to you that this isn't about the cat? of course it isn't hurting teh cat, no-one is saying "the poor cat". it is pretty bloody obvious that the dd isn't worried about teh cats feelings. OP needs to deal with this and her DP needs to be an adult and stop cauing hurt intentionally. it isn'y costing him anything to call teh cat it's right name. if it stops teh DD being upset tehn why wouldn't you do that?

MrSpoc · 17/06/2011 14:38

excaligirl - Op also said that her daughter said she likes her partner so no issues here. I think we need more info and you cannot start saying he is a bully like you have been doing.

AgentZigzag · 17/06/2011 14:39

BooyHoo, you're suggesting the DP has called the DD fat in your 14:31 post, and that's just not true, implied or otherwise.

And if the 13 YO is taking it as such, then she is definately over reacting.

RevoltingPeasant · 17/06/2011 14:40

superjob

Could you not turn that around and say 'As a new stepdad, you accept that the DSD was living here before and make some effort to accommodate her feelings, not use the cat as a petty means to have a dig at her?'

Sounds to me like the DD thinks the stepdad is being deliberately unpleasant and she resents that. Maybe she is being precious, or maybe he could just stop being unpleasant.... As another PP said, what she's asking is no skin off his nose, so why can't he compromise?

excaligirl · 17/06/2011 14:42

MrSpoc I may be wrong but I don't believe I used the word "bully" in reference to the DP? I do however think he needs to step up and be the adult here.

I agree more info would be helpful. However I'm baffled by the rush here to judge a 13 year old girl and term her "ridiculous," "precious," "oversensitive" and so forth.

MrSpoc · 17/06/2011 14:43

BooyHoo - read back what i said.

I still stand by that we dont have enough info about the family dynamics and so far I will say that she needs to stop being silly and her partner should not have to tip toe around her.

To me she had no real bounderies set by her mum, was used to her mum running around her, making her bacon butties for bed. Could do anyhing she pleased and is now acting up because there are now some firm rules.

Yes she is a poor 13 year old girl but god where i grew up (1 lad three sisters) my sisters played havoc with my step dad. There were running rings round him and he could not do right for doing wrong,.

BooyHoo · 17/06/2011 14:43

you will also note, agentzigzag that in my first response to the trhead i wondered if teh DD was projecting onto the cat.

i ddi not suggest teh DP called teh DD fat, he called teh cat fat. and if the DD hears him calling the cat fat as an insult, it stands to reason that it could make her insecure about ehr own appearance. dont tell me that even skinny teenage girls dont worry about tehir weight.

Ormirian · 17/06/2011 14:43

What peasant said.

superjobeespecs · 17/06/2011 14:43

at 12 /13 yrs old the girl should have had boundaries set in place that it seems the step dad is trying to instill in her as he has done with his own child. re: bedtimes and asking before helping yourself, its obvious to me just from those examples he's trying with the girl so she doesnt end up spoilt? i'd say the fellas doing a bang up job tbh and OPs daughter needs to come out and say if somethings bothering her.

superjobeespecs · 17/06/2011 14:45

mr spoc has said exactly what i was trying to :)

BooyHoo · 17/06/2011 14:47

"we dont have enough info about the family dynamics"

"she had no real bounderies set by her mum, was used to her mum running around her"

"Could do anyhing she pleased"

so either we dont know teh family dynamics or we do. which is it mrspoc? because i have yet to see the OP saying that her dd had no boundaries and could do as she pleased.

i also have an issue with this "now there is a man in the house she is struggling to accept sensible bounderies"

do you think only men instill discipline and rules in a home? i'm very interested in this comment you made.

SuePurblybilt · 17/06/2011 14:48

THat's maybe true super but the DD has had to change already - like you said sh'es now got a new bedtime routine, new rules about the way she treats her mother. She has had to change and may not like it, granted. But why on earth can't a rational adult stop doing one thing that is winding up a child, when it's nothing to him what he calls the fecking cat?

As I said, if he stopped and she found something else to moan about then I'd be less sympathetic. But it sounds like she's having a hard time and he is deliberately making it worse. That's not a 'bang up job' to me.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6