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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DP to stop calling the cat names?

144 replies

DropRedFred · 17/06/2011 13:25

The cat belongs to DD and she is very protective over it. DP keeps saying it is fat and calls it chubby chops etc. It is a little overweight but these names really upset DD and when I ask him not to do it he says I'm being ridiculous and the cat won't be crying itself to sleep over it. But I explained it upset DD and he said she needs to learn not to be so sensitive which I thought was a bit off.
The cat's name is Sookie and DP has a habit of calling it "sooks" for short. DD has asked everyone in the house not to do this as she likes the cat to be called by it's full name yet again DP insists on going against this and constantly calls it sooks.
I know it's only a cat but when it's upsetting DD and causing arguments AIBU to expect a grown adult to just call the cat by its real name and not make remarks about its weight all the time?

OP posts:
HawthornLantern · 17/06/2011 14:03

I have a feeling this post could be overtaken by new ones, but it does look a bit as if the cat issue could be a proxy for how your daughter might be feeling about where she stands in what looks as if it is a relatively new family set up.

If DP is dismissing your daughter's feelings and wishes then it's not the same issue as a hypersensitive child who can't cope with the idea that the cat isn't being given its full name and who may need help in gathering some perspective.

If your DP does decide to respect your daughter's wishes then he can give her a good example about mutual respect within the family and also his willingness to support and care for her specifically.

It's relatively easy to see that having more structure in the household than she is used to needs a bit of adjustment on her part but having an area of her life where she is a little in control and where she sees that her view matters is not a bad thing in itself.

And if DP doesn't want to take account of her upset, is it because of a genuine concern for her that she needs to be a bit tougher or is it just a bit bit close to just throwing his weight around because he can and it's all his rules now?

SarahBumBarer · 17/06/2011 14:03

"I hardly think someone's going to develop an eating disorder purely because her mums DP called her cat fat!"

Of course not - but there are enough negative messages out there about weight without it being an issue in the house when DD is sensitive about the name calling. Anyway - that's a bit of a side issue clearly.

stubbornhubby · 17/06/2011 14:06

This isn't about the cat.

it's about you DH and your DD; he is persisting in a behaviour that upsets her because he knows it upsets her.

It's a power thing. Its a bit of low-key bullying to remind her of the pecking order, to let her know who's boss.

Does he exhibit any other mild bullying behaviour? Any kind of physical force (however 'harmless' or 'playful' or 'funny' he thinks it is?)

HawthornLantern · 17/06/2011 14:06

I knew this would move on quickly - great ideas from Maryz

thisisyesterday · 17/06/2011 14:07

asking you to make a sandwich isn't ordering you around though is it?

unless she is demanding you do it and throwing a tantrum if you don't?

that isn't to say that she isn't old enough to make her own sandwich, but you know, if DP is around (esp if he is in the kitchen making tea or something) I might awsk him to do a sarnie or something for me... that's just being nice to each other isn't it?

i really can't recommend having a family meeting enough. it sounds like you havce a lot of clashes going on and you need to get it ironed out.

excaligirl · 17/06/2011 14:07

Hm. Lots more new information here. A very wise person once pointed out to me that in many families there is one person who gets cast in the role of "canary in the coal mine." Everyone but that one person has an unspoken agreement to pretend everything is fine. The odd person out usually a child is the one who takes all this on and is the "problem" -- acting out, or trying to force things out into the open in some other way. It sounds like in your family your DD is the one who is the canary and is the first to behave in ways that point up that there are problems.

Please don't blame her for this, or let your DP blame her. Being the canary is a tough thing it means your DD is actually quite a brave person, too because it means you are bringing a message the other people probably don't want to hear.

corygal · 17/06/2011 14:09

At 13, yr DD should know better than try this type of manipulation. You all need to talk - the family blend is one thing, but tricky individual behavioural tics is another.

I think yr DD is being a little bit unreasonable - I can see adjusting to her new home life is initially no fun, but she still needs to end up a sane adult.

buzzsore · 17/06/2011 14:09

I do think it makes a difference that he's not her dad. He's teasing her through the cat, and while it's not a horrible thing to say or anything, he doesn't need to do it. Why wind up the child when you're all in a period of adjustment?

SuePurblybilt · 17/06/2011 14:09

Stubbornhubby has a very good point - why is he (your DP) doing it at all? If someone I cared for said 'I know it's silly but I hate it when you XXXXXX', if I could, I'd stop. Surely we all would? It doesn't matter whether or not it's important or if the cat feels fat or whatever ffs, it's to do with being nice.

I think he's being a git tbh.

superjobeespecs · 17/06/2011 14:09

oh my god if my 6 y/o DD was that precious i'd be embarassed but a 13 year old??! ha she's winding you up love Grin we call our cat animal even tho her name is clark kent, DD calls her by her right name but doesnt nag me and OH about it and she's 6...Hmm

Tolalola · 17/06/2011 14:10

Ok this read like a barking mad Friday thread at first, but now it seems that it's totally not about the cat.

It sounds like your DP and your DD are having a power struggle and trying to define boundaries. He's trying to show that he won't be pushed around and told what to do by your DD and she's trying to assert some control by over-reacting to something that she likely deep-down knows is really trivial.

She's probably struggling with the relatively new house dynamic and a figure of authority who she has no control over.

It also sounds like she may be testing you by being deliberately unreasonable to see whether you are really on her 'side' or your DP's. It seems ridiculous, but it will likely need sensitive handling.

BooyHoo · 17/06/2011 14:11

excaligirl that rings a bell with me. my parents would always tell me to stop being so oversensitive. it frustrated and hurt me no end, because i knew they knew tehre was an issue, but they just didn't want to deal with it.

OP i agree with SH, it comes across as if your DP is making fun of her cat as a way of saying " i'm here now and there's nothing you can do about it"

AgentZigzag · 17/06/2011 14:11

Teasing by parents, to me, is a perfectly normal and affectionate thing to do.

I wasn't very open to it by the time I was 13 I have to admit Grin

superjobeespecs · 17/06/2011 14:11

step parent/family or not she is old enough to adress those issues as they are instead of using a cat as a cover

thecatatemygymsuit · 17/06/2011 14:12

It sounds as if your daughter is focusing on the cat when there are clearly lots of issues about your 2 families coming together. It's not nice if DP is taunting your dd, but it does seem a slightly extreme thing for her to be upset about.How old is his ds?
I do agree you need to sit down as a family and lay down some ground rules. (I also honestly think you should put the cat on a diet if it is overweight - it's not good for them!)

excaligirl · 17/06/2011 14:13

She is a 13 year old girl and he is a male adult who is making new rules in the house, superjobeespecs. She is NOT "old enough to address those issues." Good lord.

AgentZigzag · 17/06/2011 14:14

'she may be testing you by being deliberately unreasonable to see whether you are really on her 'side' or your DP's'

And that's the nuts and bolts of it, so it depends on whether your DD is being a drama queen or your DP is an awkward bugger.

Not an easy place for you to be in the middle of OP.

BooyHoo · 17/06/2011 14:14

it really is wrong that your DP continues doing this after being told it upsets someone in the house. it isn't like he is giving up somthing to call the cat it's right name. it isn't like letting her stay up late and encroaching on hsi time. he loses nothing by agreeing to her request. so what is he gaining by continuing to do it? i think you need to ask yourself that OP.

Miggsie · 17/06/2011 14:15

So DP is calling hte cat names and DD is upset. She asks him to stop, he doesn't.

She may be over sensitive, but she may love that cat very very much. When I was a teenager I loved my horse above all things and would have thrown myself in front of a car to save him if I had too. IT may be DD is feeling very protective of her cat, and even if she is being perhaps a little immature, it is unkind to carry on with a behaviour that upsets her, particulalry as referring to a cat by its proper name is not hard, and I do think the DP is being a little malicious here.

It is also a bonkers thing for a family to be up in arms aboout. DP needs to call the cat by its proper name, it isn't that hard.

If DD then starts getting uppy and precious about something else then she was doing it to get attention, but I also think this is a power issue with the family members trying to establish a pecking order, and the cat's name is a manifestation of this.

Tolalola · 17/06/2011 14:16

Agree under normal circs, superjobeespecs but the DD likely feels pretty insecure. The beginning of adolescence can be hellish enough even without 2 new males being introduced into the house. Add in the insecurity over 'what if mum loves him more than she loves me?' and it's easy to see how you'd get to this stage.

CatIsSleepy · 17/06/2011 14:16

i think if you have asked him to stop doing it, then he should stop

otherwise he is just winding up your dd for the sake of it, and that's not really on

SuePurblybilt · 17/06/2011 14:20

Baffled by all the posts criticising the 13 year old girl who is clearly having a hard time.

The whole situation could be instantly solved if the DP stopped being a knob and winding up the DD. No skin off his nose and calm restored. I'd be wondering why that seems to be so hard for him?

If he does stop and she continues to get hissy about something else along similar lines then you'll know she's pushing some boundaries and it needs addressing. But for now, why on earth not just ask the adult in the situation - the DP (cos its not clear) - to be kind and stop winding up a sensitive teenager?

mintymellons · 17/06/2011 14:22

How bizarre

DaisyDaresYOU · 17/06/2011 14:24

Awww I feel sorry for her.It's extremey hard adjusting to a parents new partner.I wouldn't like someone new coming into my home calling an animal I loved fat and I say that as a someone whose parents divored when I was 7.How long have they known eachother?the dp and dd I mean.Sook isn't bad btw as it just a shortening of its name

AgentZigzag · 17/06/2011 14:24

Baffled why Sue? The OP read like the DD was being over sensitive and nothing more.

And you can't tell me 13 YOs are never over sensitive.

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