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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking it's strange not to want me at his house?

295 replies

LoweredBrows · 17/06/2011 12:09

Been with DP 2 years. I moved in with him briefly last year as I had nowhere else to stay (landlord of my house went bankrupt etc) but he moved again and I took over the tenancy of his house. So we do have a lot of history, it's certainly not a new relationship. I helped him move etc and stayed the night at his new house so I know he didn't move in with another woman or anything. Since then though he's been really funny about me going to his house. The only time he's ok with it is if I give him plenty of notice (like a few days notice).
A while ago he invited me around (this is very rare) during the day, he made me lunch etc and I put my shopping in his freezer but I forgot to take it home, not realising until later. I text him saying I'd pop around for my stuff and he was all like "No no, I'll bring it to you". So I told him I was going passed his house anyway so I might as well just pick it up and he made excuse after excuse and in the end insisted that he bring it to me???

Same thing happened again with something else, I said I'd pop in after work and pick it up. He protested, made excuses, acted strange but I pushed it this time because I was starting to wonder what he was up to and in the end he agreed but wanted a specific time in which I'd be there.

He bought me a cake a couple of days ago. Came around to my house but forgot it. I said "No worries, I'm going passed your house tonight on the way to the opticians, I'll pick it up" so he went on with his excuses, trying to get out of it, saying he'd bring it to me, even tried to say he'd drop it in at 5am on his way to work!! I was like "err no, that's just stupid, I'll just pick it up" so reluctantly he agreed but again wanted a specific time and text me an hour before to ask if I was still going and would it be the same time still. I was in a shit mood when he text so I replied saying "actually no, I have to much on tonight, sorry. I'll pick it up tomorow when I leave work". He agreed and seemed relieved. SO I was supposed to be picking it up this afternoon and I've just had a text saying he's leaving work early so will go home, pick up the cake and come back to mine to drop it off!! this is really going out of his way!! why?? I know for a fact he's not married lol, so why the urgency in keeping me away from his house?

OP posts:
LittleBlueBoat · 17/06/2011 15:06

oh MI5 man of mysterary - maybe he is a spy and needs to keep you at a distance for your own safety?

Still i would go round without calling first and try his landline number.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 17/06/2011 15:09

It's possible that one of us lives next door to, or opposite, your exDP.

Before we book a couple of coaches, maybe you could pop round in the dead of night and chalk a MN or similar on his gatepost or on the pavement outside his house?

Unobtrusive surveillance guaranteed at no cost. Another triumph for the power of mumsnet.

HippyHippopotamus · 17/06/2011 15:14

the thought of 200 mners stuffed into a car parked outside OP's DP's house really made me chuckle! If there's 200 of you in one car, where on earth are you going to put the doughnuts?

seriously though, OP, alarm bells ringing here too. you definitely need to surprise him one evening

JudysJudgement · 17/06/2011 15:15

he wants to see you online on facebook so that he knows he is safe and not at risk of you turning up unannounced

when you go offline, there is always that chance

I reckon another gf on the go - probably with the same set up i.e. not allowed to turn up without an appt

Laquitar · 17/06/2011 15:21

OP when he comes to yours does he stay the night? Or the whole weekend?

Even if he doesn't see another woman maybe he doesn't want a relationship, getting up together in the morning etc. By him coming at yours he can control this. He can have sex and then leave. He probably worries that you will park at his. If you hope that you will 'cure' him and make him fall in love by 'landlord problems' and 'sharing the freezer', it wont happen - sorry.

Make yourself busy, go out with your friends and don't chase him.

LineRunner · 17/06/2011 15:23

The OP said further up the thread that he stays over every other weekend.

Laquitar · 17/06/2011 15:24

Oh ok, i missed that. Sorry.

Icelollycraving · 17/06/2011 15:24

Ok,I bloody love a bit of detective work!!
Has he got you as his gf on facebook on the in a relationship with Lowered Brows?
Can you see all his wall/friends/activity on fb or is it a v small selection of people that you don't know that is a profile just for you?
Have you done a fb check for his name & nickname to see if there are any others?
Check the electoral roll.
Definately get someone to knock on the door etc on a time he knows you are busy,if there is a gf/bf/cross dresser you have your answer.
Turn up with wine & pizza to suprise him.
Suggest a party to get to know his family,this is kill or cure.
Buy many many many boxes of krispy kremes & get all of us squeezed into as many cars as the street can hold,we will soon discover the truth.
The last option is he is just not that into you.

thenightsky · 17/06/2011 15:29

Agree . He can see you Facebook he knows he's safe. You need computer trouble to unsettle him a bit.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 17/06/2011 15:29

There'always room for Krispys usually somewhere on the nether regions and, with 200 of us in the mini, essential supplies will have to go on the roof rack Hippy

HippyHippopotamus · 17/06/2011 15:46

a roof rack! of course!

JudysJudgement · 17/06/2011 15:50

no, leave yourself logged into FB, say you are just going for a cup of tea/wee, then rush round to his lol

Inertia · 17/06/2011 15:50

Lowered, just because you stayed with him on the first night and a few other subsequent nights doesn't mean he didn't move in another woman- just means she wasn't there those nights.

If he is effectively your landlord, he could well be explaining away visits with you to OW as problems with the house ('drains need unblocking again over at the other house love'; or 'need to be at the other house today, gas man coming to service the boiler'). As you see him fairly infrequently and on such rigid terms, he could easily explain the time he spends with you.

If he is your landlord though, and you do get to the bottom of what's going on- if it's a relationship dealbreaker, what will happen to your housing situation? You might want to start planning ahead.

Of course, it might be perfectly innocent. Perhaps he is fostering kittens and wants to protect you from an allergic reaction to their fluffy fur.

Pumpernickel10 · 17/06/2011 15:52

Is this a friendship or a proper sexual relationship?

LineRunner · 17/06/2011 15:53

The OP seems to have gone and I hope she is OK. She does seem to love this guy - she said that the issue was just a 'niggle', whereas we all seem to see it as the kiss of death and have approached the matter with a certain sense of irony.

Reality · 17/06/2011 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleBlueBoat · 17/06/2011 15:57

maybe he just lives with his mum?

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 17/06/2011 16:01

Interesting

Pumpernickel10 · 17/06/2011 16:07

Well she may love him but I am afraid the feeling does not seem mutual,its sounds like hes playing her and shes probably the other woman,hes either married,gay or attached

Flisspaps · 17/06/2011 16:10

He's seeing someone else but she doesn't live there (hence the lack of feminine touches)

TragicallyHip · 17/06/2011 16:11

I would check under the floor boards for bodies if I was you Wink

He can be on fb with you not knowing. He can take you off chat and leave all his other friends on there.

All in all his behavior is extremely odd and I would put an expiration date on this relationship

tallulahxhunny · 17/06/2011 16:17

LINERUNNER I did not disagree as such, i said that scurry doesnt know it for certain as she said in her post, anyway what the fuck has what i said got to do with you?

I still dont think its another woman, i could be wrong but i suspect it is something more along the lines of cross-dressing, an embarassing hobby or similar!

Laquitar · 17/06/2011 16:17

Am i the only one who feels very old reading these threads?
In my days we phoned each other if we wanted to chat.

Serious question: is this what you do now? You text each other and say 'lets chat on facebook' ? Is it for the cost? (i'm not sarcastic btw, just old)

HerHissyness · 17/06/2011 16:21

heats up flasks

marks place

OP, if you are going to text him and tell him you are popping over, do it from outside his place.... tell him you are just around the corner, will be 5 minutes, but watch from a safe distance.

Pumpernickel10 · 17/06/2011 16:22

Chat on facebook with your beloved are you 12?
op does he ever take you out,have you met his family or his friends?

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