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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to resent getting parenting advice from mumsnetters who are not actually mums?

180 replies

sweetuphoria · 16/06/2011 18:52

Ok preparing myself for a barage of abuse here, this is something that annoys me in RL as well as Mumsnet...

Those people who are very forceful in their opinion about how to raise a child when they have none of their own. I mean I will admit I thought I knew kids until I had one of my own and then I realised how completely different it is looking after someone else's to having your own 24/7. Sorry but those without kids have NO IDEA!

OP posts:
DogsBestFriend · 17/06/2011 11:33

My views haven't changed to any great extent since before I had children. When I said "My child won't be allowed to do that/I won't be offering godamned choices/whatever" I meant it and that's what I did. Perhaps I shouldn't have had children at all as I - shock horror - had pre-formed opinions!
Heaven forbid that I should have expressed the opinions I had before I gave birth.

WRT childless teachers - can someone please explain why the fantastic, incredibly successful, sensitive, caring, MA in psychology qualified head of my local Red Balloon School for severely bullied children, and I believe, the school's founder too, another lady I know and hold in the highest esteem, are childless. as are various other Red Balloon teachers?

This specialist school, with an incredibly high success rate in rehabilitaing bullied children, does so much that mainstream can't... pretty bloody amazing considering they employ childless teachers isn't it?

Well isn't it? Or are people like trois just being utterly insensitive twats and talking bullshit?

emptyshell, childless or not, many, many teachers are worth a million bigoted prats. I'm damn sure you're one such teacher.

thumbwitch · 17/06/2011 12:03

DogsBestFriend - hats off to you for sticking to your opinions post-birth! I had Opinions as well but 90% of mine went out the window as my post-birth self suddenly morphed into this attachment parent - something I coudl never have envisaged prior to having DS. Not even during labour - was still firmly convinced that things would all go to my plan afterwards - nae chance! Grin

MsTeak · 17/06/2011 12:03

I've only got boys. Am I not allowed to comment on girls? And my eldest is seven, am I only allowed thoughts on those under that age?
It's just silly.

Advice is advice, if its good, take it, if its not, don't. and stop kidding yourself anyone is that interested in you and your offspring anyway to be "strident" about it.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 17/06/2011 12:45

TroisGarcons - would it really hurt you to show a bit of empathy towards someone who is clearly very hurt and upset? Your post directed at emptyshell was beyond harsh - it was cruel, and I think you know that.

Emptyshell - I hope you don't leave the site because of the nastiness of one poster here. Your experience makes your advice very valuable, as far as I am concerned.

smileANDwave2000 · 17/06/2011 13:16

I try to be a parent with a foot in both camps , heres a choice of t shirts (encourages having a mind of their own, individuality ect) you WILL brush your teeth in the bathroom (common sense) the common sense rules are non negotiable IMO. on raising DCs I will listen to anyone's opinion and use the good ones and throw out the bad ideas ... mum was always the best person for advice sadly passed away now but with an 11yo (ASD) and two teens im getting the knack of it, or i better be Grin

FrameyMcFrame · 17/06/2011 13:18

People are giving all these examples and comparisons, like -if you don't have the same pet etc etc... doesn't really work.

Going from being a childless person to being a Mum was the single biggest change in my life and nothing could have prepared me for it. I had NO IDEA what being a Mum was really like and how it would change me as a person.

I know most other people who are parents agree with that. That's why although I agree that childless people can give great advice I'd always feel that those with the experience of being a parent and all that entails would have more idea what they were talking aboout.

smileANDwave2000 · 17/06/2011 13:38

talking of posts that are irrelevant reminds me of the time DC jiggled the HV boobies (he was 3) i dont think she'd experienced that before so maybe if she had kids it wouldnt been quite the Blush moment it was for her [grins]

TrillianAstra · 17/06/2011 13:43

People who do have children often give bad advice too you know. Having had one doesn't make you an expert.

altinkum · 17/06/2011 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

garlicnutter · 17/06/2011 13:52

I've been getting well ticked off with several posters, lately, who've basically told me my opinion on a variety of things is invalid because I haven't got children. I don't know what child-free planet they think I live on, but reality is full of children. My understanding about parenting isn't theoretical, it's due to the fact that my friends have children, I know their lives and even stand in for them sometimes so they can go on holiday. And I am a trained nanny with several years' experience.

And what ohboob said.

YABU.

emptyshell, me too. I hope you get what you want ... but please try not to let your life (and username?) depend on it. The advantages to childlessness are just as real as those to having children :)

TrillianAstra · 17/06/2011 13:52

Oh, and have you noticed that we are on the internet?

I could change my name and claim to have raised 5 children of my own and fostered 7 others.

I could claim to be a parenting guru, or a sleep specialist, or a social worker with expertise on troubled children.

solareclipse · 17/06/2011 14:02

I think that's the problem. People are not what they seem.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 17/06/2011 14:03

FGS YABVU op and everyone else that thinks you have to experience something to be able to give advice about itHmm

I work with people with Mental Health problems, some of whom may have made 1 or countless suicide attempts! Am I to assume I am doing no good trying to help them because I have not attempted suicide myselfConfused

This whole idea that you have to have been through something to be able to empathise and give valued advice is crap and very insulting.

I truly hope that non-parents on this site realise this is not the view of the majority and that everyones opinions are valued equally.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 17/06/2011 14:11

YABU! as I'm sure many people have said on here, giving birth qualifies you for nothing. Nothing at all.

Parenting is not a degree course. It's based on teaching social skills to fit into a society that we all have to live in- gasp, horror, even people without children!! You may be responsible for "parenting" (I actually hate that word- it aspires to pretend it is a qualified profession) your children, but everyone else in society has to live with and interact with them- why should they get no say?? I can't see that I am in any way more qualified to comment on the way someone else is bringing up their children than someone else- we all have experience of human beings of all ages.

One of my childrens' favourite nursery nurses has no kids and is absolutely fantastic with the children. Why would I be more qualified with my 7 years experience be more knowledgeable than her with her 15-20 years?

GreenTeapot · 17/06/2011 14:39

Framey, you make the assumption that having a child changes everyone in the same way. It doesn't. For example, I am more confident and assertive now. I have friends who have lost all their confidence since becoming parents, who are now meek and full of self-doubt.

So, becoming a parent is just one of many life-changing experiences a person might go through. Only valuing advice from someone whose life has been changed in the exact same way as yours has is all well and good but how many people share the exact same experiences as you? None.

solareclipse · 17/06/2011 14:50

I think maybe the strapline of the logo needs to change, then. It's not 'by parents for parents' - it's by random people who like using an internet forum, for people who like using an internet forum.

Fair enough, but it should do what it says on the tin.

thegruffalosma · 17/06/2011 14:52

Does anyone else think that a lot of the crap advice on here is actually from mums who assume all kids are like theirs and what works for them will work for everyone?

Onemorning · 17/06/2011 15:50

You're probably right, gruffalosma but as a non-mum I couldn't possibly put forward an opinion. Wink

smileANDwave2000 · 17/06/2011 17:41

why cant everyone just agree to disagree sometimes if we all agreed it would be a very boring exsistance wouldnt it 'vive la difference'

2BoysTooLoud · 17/06/2011 17:58

We have all been kids ourselves and experienced our own childcare and witnessed others whether we have children or not.
It is offensive to dismiss someone's views on being a child/ child care just because they do not have children.
Being an older mum I have been victim of the 'you wouldn't understand because you haven't got kids'... Grrrr it is so patronising and irritating.

expatinscotland · 17/06/2011 18:01

What an ignorant OP.

motherinferior · 17/06/2011 18:04

What about fathers, and/or lesbian co-parents who are not birth mothers? I regularly chat to people who've not given birth to chlildren yet have been parents all their lives.

creighton · 17/06/2011 18:22

A recurrent theme of mumsnet is that women who have not had children are jealous of the women who have and now have moved into a superior 'plane of being'. Of course the childless are fine when they are available to line your pockets with child benefit and babysit for you and remember their family obligations to you by worshipping you and your children. If it offends you so much to hear (not even take) advice from the childless, don't ask them for anything else, not time, not money, not attention.

Onemorning · 17/06/2011 18:34

creighton I'd replace 'mumsnet' with 'most places'

Oblomov · 17/06/2011 18:39

Don't ever take any parenting advice from me. i can't cope with me own children. But I do take more care of other peoples children.
Does that make it easier? Ignore everything I say. simples.

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