to resent getting parenting advice from mumsnetters who are not actually mums?

[sweetuphoria]

Ok preparing myself for a barage of abuse here, this is something that annoys me in RL as well as Mumsnet...

Those people who are very forceful in their opinion about how to raise a child when they have none of their own. I mean I will admit I thought I knew kids until I had one of my own and then I realised how completely different it is looking after someone else's to having your own 24/7. Sorry but those without kids have NO IDEA!

I think that it must be very trying occasionally if a non-parent gives you advice and it is obvious they have no idea what they are talking about and just clearly don't have a clue.

But on the other side of the coin it's hard liking children and being interested in their development and being an avid watcher of Supernanny because it's so fascinating and not being able to feel comfortable giving an opinion in case you get that line back 'you aren't a mum, you wouldn't know.' It stings like bejesus to hear that because I want to be a mum but can't be. Am I forever to be excluded from this great club where people have a different (superior?) experience of life. Should I never dip my toes in and discuss behaviour and discipline and other interesting subjects with parents, despite my keen interest. I have still spent a lot of time with children, as a nanny, aunt and friend. I'm not clueless. Objective advice from an outsider can sometimes be just what someone needs. But I appreciate not all the time.

It depends on the advice sought and the experience of the person giving it.

For example, if I was seeking advice on how to deal with a fussy eater, I'd possibly find the advice of a non parent child minder, who gives advice based on her/his experience of many different toddlers and their individual appetite related foibles, more valuable than, say, a mother of one with a good eater who has never experienced fussiness and advises me I'm just pandering.

I know many many toddlers who'd opt for "wear nothing

Ah but I am a big believer in allowing them to experience natural consequences. DS refused to put his coat and shoes on for school once. It took him about 3 seconds to realise he was cold and his feet hurt. Didn't do it again.

Also puts the responsabilty on him, and stops me looking like the bad guy...

HV's give a lot advice on children aged 0-5, 90%of the ones ive met (ive met a lot) dont have children, but their expert advice is good and based on not just medicsl evidence but years of experience with children, probably more than you and i will ever see.

MIL on the otherhand who has raised 4 children sometimes gives the most outrageous advice, bless her.

I think that the majority have DCs- and anyway it is open to all and should be.You don't have to take the advice-and some of the advice from parents is pretty nutty! You could go on and say those who have only one DC shouldn't advise those with 2 DCs etc.

YABU

I'm not a parent. I have given advice on parenting on here (rarely, but I do). I base it on my memories of strategies that worked with me and my sister as a child and also on what I have seen work with my nieces and nephew.

Your line of argument leads to:

... to resent getting advice on teenagers from parents of toddlers

... to resent getting advice on looking after 2 children from people with 1 child

... to resent getting advice on childcare from people whose PILs look after their child

... to resent getting advice on WOH with children from SAHMs

etc etc.

Basically you're saying no-one can advise you unless they've had the same direct experience. Which would pretty quickly reduce the amount of advice given on here.

Yes I appreciate what you are saying ohboob. I too have always been interested in children and have always talked about things with friends who had children.

I just didn't foresee how much Ive learnt/have changed my opinions since becoming a mum.

I was going to say YANBU but then I remembered a chat with my friend's boyfriend at a wedding when DD was 4 weeks old. He was asking the typical baby questions 'does she sleep well...' And I went into this long spiel about cosleeping and BF to sleep and how I knew it wasn't what you were supposed to do but it was the only thing that worked etc. He put his hands up and said 'woah it's ok, you don't have to justify it to me, anyway it seems like it works so why worry!'Then he wandered off to get a pint. Much better advice than I got from lots of other friends with kids!

I was going to say YANBU but then I remembered a chat with my friend's boyfriend at a wedding when DD was 4 weeks old. He was asking the typical baby questions 'does she sleep well...' And I went into this long spiel about cosleeping and BF to sleep and how I knew it wasn't what you were supposed to do but it was the only thing that worked etc. He put his hands up and said 'woah it's ok, you don't have to justify it to me, anyway it seems like it works so why worry!'Then he wandered off to get a pint. Much better advice than I got from lots of other friends with kids!

dont agree.being mum doesnt necessarily imbue any knowledge or nuggets of wisdom.plenty on here are mums and talk out hole in their arse. this notion that mums have it and not mums dont is a nonsense

I think it is a control issue-once you post you can't control who answers!(I don

It posted to soon! I was going to say that it is a good thing not to be able to control the replies.

I pissed myself laughing when my childless friend was very earnestly slagging off her friend's parenting of her toddler to me.

"SHe gives him all these choices - does he want the blue t shirt or the green one? Does he want to brush his teeth in the bathroom or in the lounge? She should just TELL him what's happening instead of asking him"

Ok, thanks for that. I take it you have FUCK ALL experience of trying to deal with a toddler who kicks off over getting dressed or brushing their teeth then.

YANBU!

I think, as with anything, advice is only welcome if it has actually been sought after.

YABU to say that advice from all childless people is bollocks. I knew sweet FA about kids before I had them but if I'd been a teacher or had young nieces/nephews that I looked after a lot I might know a bit more -and might have got a bit less of a slap in the face when I had my own kids- .
Although anyone foisting their pearls of wisdom on you (particularly when you neither want or need the advice) is extremely annoying.

conversely a know-it-all mammy giving it ive had 8 weans and you do it like this is also really annoying

I'm not sure why you posted that twice firemansamantha

But what if she did have kids and said the same thing?

As I said, I have 3 and I absolutely agree with her.

i work with children and sometimes there is a place for advice from a non-parent who knows children well as often the problem the parent is having is precisely because of their deep emotional involvement and vulnerability. sometimes a less emotional response is required, though i would never criticise a parent for being emotionally vulnerable about their children.

Oh I agree scottishmummy, that's also very tedious.

As is being lectured by someone with less children than you. Not that having more children makes you different or special, but if you've only got one toddler then it's hard for you to picture what having one toddler plus a baby is like and sometimes you parent differently in those circs.

I dont have kids, want them but not in that position in my life (30 and single)

I just enjoy reading the site.

I know my views will change when I have kids and even laugh at myself. I have lots of nieces and nephews but know its not the same!

For example my youngest niece is 5 and is allowed ketchup with her Sunday dinner, I am horrified but my Mum rightly pointed out that sometimes the easy life is what you go for and I realised I just dont understand!

I post to chat on here, I post in the dog house, I post in primary ed - where we get threads ASKING for help from the teachers on there.

Sorry, because my uterus appears to abandon its payload about 6 weeks into any pregnancy - I'll stop offering education-related advice, or advice about private tutition - you know, my business and what I'm qualified to do.

Shall I also stop posting in miscarriage as I'm not qualified not being a parent (of a living child too) or am I allowed to give advice in there since I've had too fucking many?

Don't ask for advice then.

I have no kids. I try not to give advice because other people's kids are not that exciting - when I have no clue what I'm talking about. But you know, sometimes I read your OP because I'm browsing and think 'oh, she's not stupid enough to do something purely because a stranger on the net suggested it, she won't mind me posting, and if she's at all bothered she could probably work out (usually from a sentence to that effect in my post) that I don't have kids'.

Far too many people forget they are the parent and try to be their childs friend. Personally I get mightily pissed off with Son3's little chum who will proceed to question my decision/judgment - which he clearly does with his own mother until he breaks her into agreeing with him for a quiet life. Mardy 8yo's with too many opinions should be reigned in.

May I add, OP, childless HVs & midwives pontificating from a book were another source of immense irriation and rapidly shown the door.

Teachers without children, again another source of irritation - don't care what they teach you at college, live my life then come up with one of your oh-so-brilliant ideas.

Mature folks, in supermarkets - again, very sorry, we can't beat them into submission these days, and no, it did you no harm, neither did lead paint! Apparently

Wowsers, some snippy responses on here.

OP, anyone who posts with a "forceful opinion" when you're just asking for a bit of advice gets my goat, tbh. So yes, I still agree with you!