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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about DPs porn habit?

301 replies

Flojo1979 · 13/06/2011 09:23

Ok, too much info for a monday morning. I dont get the whole porn thing, i hate it. I think its my DP getting off on another woman etc etc. Told him this a few months ago, b4 he moved in and expected him to respectfully refrain from such things. Since then hes moved in and well to put it blunt, got it on tap so has no reason to watch ever again, right?
So last night i said lets go for an early night (nudge nudge wink wink) and he said no I'll stop up for a bit u go up etc, fair enough, a guys allowed to say no ta too and off i toddled to bed. I heard his laptop boot up and when he went to work this morning in my usual suspicious ways, i checked his history, and he was on porn last night, when i was in bed!
Angry, furious, annoyed, upset, betrayed and oh feeling like he prefers that to me, and i must be rubbish!

OP posts:
HellAtWork · 13/06/2011 18:46

Oh dear. Sorry for length and inability to use italics to separate things out a bit.

CurrySpice · 13/06/2011 18:50

8anyfucker*, not that it makes one jot of fucking difference whether I am a regular user, but as it happens I am. And the tangent thing is not unique to MN - no matter how much you might like to think it is

Just that it's always this tangent and I don't think it's an especially useful tangent for the OP

Malificence · 13/06/2011 18:52

Mona - you are WRONG.

My DH doesn't have medical problems, or any kind of issues ( religious or otherwise) he just doesn't wank , it probably been 7 or 8 years since he's done it ( by it I mean masturbated alone to orgasm) , he prefers sex with me, it's as simple as that, if I couldn't have sex for a month, then he would wait for a month, it's just how he is, he can't be that unique.

AnyFucker · 13/06/2011 18:53

well, it's obviously really bothering you curry so I feel I should tactfully withdraw from your (misdirected) anger

a row is not likely to help OP either (if she is even still here)

cannydoit · 13/06/2011 19:16

its quite plain from you posts hell that you dont really want a debate i think thats what angers other posters. you want to brow beat them with what you think on the subject as if its fact. obviously there are aspects of porn that are as you say abusive and women and men that are drug addicts and trafficked women who have no say in what they do and women who allow themselves to be used in ways they dont really want to, but i also think that there are women and men in full control of their faculties who do porn for the money, because they enjoy it, for the acclaim, there are massive porn conventions in america or for other reasons and amateur site for people who are exhibitionist who get off on the though of other people watching them have sex and again you are right again there are probably people up there that dont know they are.
i am not even really taking about watching porn now but i am taking about the preaching black and white way you are looking at it, taking what someone is thinking is an innocent comment of their opinion and taking it to the extreme,it really is never that simple.
your opinion is valid, so is af, so is mona and so is mine. doesnt make us wrong hell however you may take what we say.

AnyFucker · 13/06/2011 19:28

canny, I highly recommend you watch that documentary

you won't thank me for it though

cannydoit · 13/06/2011 19:38

i am going to and from reading the thing sounds harsh.

HellAtWork · 13/06/2011 19:41

canny I agree that some porn actors may be doing it of their own free will, for the money, not having been abused as a child or adult, free of mental health issues, not as addicts. I think they are rare. Do you think they are the majority? What percentage, at a guess, do you think are not being exploited/trafficked/abused?

The thing is I can't tell who those 'free will' porn actors are and because of that I no longer want to take the risk that I am watching someone who is being trafficked/abused/exploited. When you are watching porn are you able to tell who those being trafficked/abused/exploited are?

If I had continued to use porn after doing my research and reading I would basically have been accepting that 60+% of the time (the more I read the higher that percentage climbed) I was going to be getting off on someone else's misery and that was what changed my mind. I just didn't want to take that risk.

So basically it boils down to what percentage of the time are you willing to wank to other people's misery? If you think that 80% of porn actors are doing it of their own free will then you are saying 20% of the time you are willing to risk wanking to someone else's misery. For me, it became none. If I couldn't tell, and I genuinely couldn't (please tell me how you can, I would be very interested to know!) then I decided that my conscience couldn't take that level of risk.

ps. I didn't realise posters were actually angry at me, including yourself? You can get angry with someone debating with you on the internet but can't get angry about women being exploited/abused/trafficked enough to stop wanking to it! Well there's a strange reaction!

cannydoit · 13/06/2011 19:51

no i wasnt getting angry with you, i dont tend to . believe everyone is entitled to their opinion. when it comes to the facts of porn i have not done the obvious study you seem to have done. in order to decide on what level my conscience could take i would probably have to do some though research in to the area. or perhaps stick to porn with famous porn stars in them as they are healthy and happy and wealthy (supposedly)

AnyFucker · 13/06/2011 20:02

canny, your last statement is also a myth

read some interviews with Linda Lovelace and Jenna Smith, two very famous porn actresses

their lives were destroyed by what they did (even though he had done countless interviews priorly, purporting to be in control...they weren't), and both of them came from an upbringing of abuse

AnyFucker · 13/06/2011 20:02

or is it Jenna James, I may have that name wrong, sorry

PrinceHumperdink · 13/06/2011 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 13/06/2011 20:05

yes, that's it. Jameson

sorry, slow today

cannydoit · 13/06/2011 20:06

hence why i said supposedly, will check that out.

HellAtWork · 13/06/2011 20:07

Canny So who were the other posters who I have made angry that you referred to?

And, before you start your own reading and research, what percentage of 'free will' porn actors do you think there are in the industry?

Re - big name porn actors - why does them making a lot of money, being apparently 'healthy' and smiling for the cameras mean that they are not being exploited?

I suppose I might have thought the same thing (appearances being deceptive) and then you start reading snippets of biographies and they've invariably (I didn't find one who hadn't spoken in interview or in their tell all book about this) been sexually assaulted, abused or raped in their early years). Jenna Jameson being one.

Read about her rape and abuse on her wikipedia entry

Any other big name porn stars you think are 'safe' to wank to? Admittedly it is unlikely they will have been trafficked due to the publicity they attract but that's about it.

HellAtWork · 13/06/2011 20:07

Sorry x-posted re Jenna Jameson.

cannydoit · 13/06/2011 20:22

funny i just read that before you posted it. can i ask why you keep asking me how many people in porn are there of their own free will as i repeatedly have said i dont know, but then you dont know really either. jenna jameson was raped but she entered the porn business of her own volition as far as i can see and up until very recently owned and still runs a porn site called clubjenna so she may not be doing porn any more but she still makes money from it, however thats irrelevant. my comment was an ironic statement and was meant to be taken so but i was aware you wouldnt take it as that.

cannydoit · 13/06/2011 20:23

ok got to go have dinner, interesting chat all thanks for opinions.

dadof2littlebuggers · 13/06/2011 20:31
  1. Paraphrased: Are you not catering to any fetishes he might have? How about being broadminded and embracing those? (subtext: Then you might have a chance of distracting him from the porn so he wants to have sex with you. You are not servicing him sexually in the way that he wants - that is why he is using porn)
  1. ^"a fun 10 minutes wanking over pretty girls , lots of images , different types" (subtext - You are just one woman, why would he have sex with you when he can wank over pretty girl(s), in the plural? No one woman is ever enough for any one man. At the time of this post we had no idea what the DP was wanking to - male, female, legal, illegal but the assumption was made as pretty girls, begging the question Are you pretty OP?)
  1. "are you being arrogant to assume that the manner you get turned on is acceptable and the way he does isnt?" (OP - in not wanting a partner who uses a porn, said they wouldn't use porn and has now used porn in preference to having sex with you - YOU are being arrogant.) The logic if this one goes right to the heart of male privilege/entitlement and the weasle way in which this has been turned around to be the OP's arrogant fault - again - mindblowing frankly!

your subtexts are putting words in my mouth i havent said , please do not interprete what i say and change the meaning. just give your own opinions.

PrinceHumperdink · 13/06/2011 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HellAtWork · 13/06/2011 20:41

I don't know precise figures either. The difference is that I don't know but I care. Because I didn't know, I was forced logically to accept that x% of the time I was wanking to someone else's misery.

At the moment (or right up until recently I'm hoping) you didn't know and you didn't care either. You've pretty much said you can't tell whether the person you're wanking to has been trafficked or sold or abused and is actually being raped on screen in front of you while you wank (that is why I have asked you that question), but this is currently of no consequence to you.

Sounds like you might try and confine yourself to wanking to the more well-known porn stars on the basis that...er...the more public they are the less likely they are to be trafficked?

depob · 13/06/2011 20:41

I am bothered by what seems to be an assumption that porn and 'real' sex don't affect each other. Never heard of 'porn goggles'?

HellAtWork · 13/06/2011 20:43

Dad that is my opinion of what you said. Where I did not directly quote you I said paraphrased. I am allowed to have my own opinions of what you said am I not? How is the world going to operate if no one is going to be allowed any opinions on what anyone else has said, let alone MN. We'll grind to a boring halt.

HellAtWork · 13/06/2011 20:50

depob "porn goggles" - what an apt term!

Also - canny The notice at the bottom of the Club Jenna website says this:

Privacy Policy || Legal Notices: || Webmasters || 18 U.S.C. 2257 Record-Keeping Requirements Compliance Statement
© 2009 Club Jenna. JENNA JAMESON and Club Jenna Crown are marks of Jenna IP Holdings, LLC and are used under license. All Rights Reserved.

I googled Jenna IP Holdings. I don't think Jenna Jameson 'owns' that company. Jenna Jameson is not her real name. Even at this 'level' of porn star they've still got their pimps (or in the company's case, with this kind of money and organisation we now have shareholder and director pimps, who if she's lucky JJ may be one so she at least receives a proportion of the money others are profiting from in her selling her body and soul) and I'd wager her 'name' and all the intellectual property that goes with it, is not owned by Jenna Jameson, having just read a case on a domain dispute over this website.

" jenna jameson was raped but she entered the porn business of her own volition as far as i can see and up until very recently owned and still runs a porn site called clubjenna so she may not be doing porn any more but she still makes money from it, however thats irrelevant. my comment was an ironic statement and was meant to be taken so but i was aware you wouldnt take it as that."

I can make sweeping statements too, qualified by the ambiguous and meaningless epithet "as far as I can see". Anyone can. Anyone can also google stuff to even dig behind 1% of the veneer (and the porn industry is all veneer so 1% is all you need and the entire fascia is off and the ugly reality is laid bare astonishingly easily) but they won't look if they don't want to.

And thus "as far as I can see" becomes "as far as denial is easier".

I did indeed miss your ironic statement. Please could you point it out to me?

eurochick · 13/06/2011 20:58

I am very surprised by the near universal condemnation of porn users on here. I think every bloke I know uses porn and about half the women (or at least that is the proportion who admit to it).

I can see why the OP's nose was put out of joint by it appearing that her partner preferred a wank over porn to sex with her, but that's life. Maybe he was feeling tired/lazy. Maybe it was a cheap hamburger (fnar) rather than a gourmet steak mood. Who knows.

TBH, I am more concerned about the checking of the laptop history from a new cohabitee than anything else in the OP.