Another woman killed by her ex violent shit of a partner.

[sundayrose10]

It's just so tragic and I feel so angry at another senseless death on a woman by a scum. It's well known leaving an abusive partner is the most dangerous time...why don't the police do more?

It is too sad for words. How can the surviving child even begin to get through something like that?

From the daily fail. I can't link so copied and pasted.

100 threats to kill: Mother handed police texts days before ex-partner gunned down her and their little girl

Shotgun shoved in child's mouth just moments before murders
Watchdog probes claims police knew of volatile situation between parents
A terrified mother handed police 100 menacing text messages from her crazed ex-partner days before he shot her and their two-year-old dead.
Chrissie Chambers, 38, made a formal statement to officers last week about David Oakes?s repeated threats to kill her during a bitter row over access to their daughter.
Nothing was done and yesterday morning Oakes killed Miss Chambers and young Shania in their home.

The killer also shoved his shotgun into the mouth of Shania?s half sister, Chelsea, who saved her life by fleeing through a window and on to the kitchen roof.
Her mother had urged the ten-year-old to ?run, run, save yourself while you can?.
Last night an inquiry was launched by the Independent Police Complaints Commission after it emerged that officers had been called to the house a number of times over the past two years,
It was also claimed that Oakes was subjected to a non-molestation order that prevented him from coming within 100 yards of her.
Stuart Flitt, 26, who is a half brother to Chelsea, said police had been given warning after warning.
?The last time she made a statement was on Thursday ? she was making statements to the police all week,? he said.
?She gave police over 100 text messages but they never took her seriously.
?These texts threatened to kill her ? I had been staying round there for her own safety.?
A close friend of the family said: ?The police said to her ?We cannot do anything until something happens to you?. She was scared ? she sobbed her heart out to me on Friday. This should not have happened.
?The police were in the wrong and they knew about this weeks ago.?

Unemployed Oakes, 50, was under police guard in hospital last night with non life-threatening injuries after turning the gun on himself at the end of a two-hour stand-off at the semi-detached house in Braintree, Essex.
Chelsea?s father, Ian Flitt, said he was woken in the early hours of yesterday morning by Chelsea who was banging on his door.
The 50-year-old said: ?She started screaming ?He is there at the house with a gun? and ?He has put it into Chrissie?s mouth?.?
Oakes killed his former partner before turning the gun on Shania. Chelsea climbed through the window on to the kitchen roof, before dropping ten feet to the ground below and running half a mile barefoot in her nightgown to her father?s house. ?If he was prepared to shoot his own daughter, he would have shot her,? he said.
Oakes, who has been described as an ?abusive, jealous woman hater?, embarked on his killing spree hours before a court appearance over the custody of Shania.
He and Miss Chambers had been together for six years before they split seven weeks ago.
She had had a ten-year relationship with Mr Flitt and they had three children, Levi 16, Guy, 11, and Chelsea, who lived with her and Shania.

Assistant Chief Constable Gary Beautridge of Essex Police said: ?We have had two years of contact between him [Oakes] and the family and as part of the investigation there will be a full and fundamental review of the circumstances of this contact.?
Amid dramatic scenes outside her house yesterday, a distraught man shouted at officers: ?You knew this was going to happen, you could have stopped it.?

Donna Garrod, 20, said Oakes, who is understood to have been a drug dealer, had been violent toward Miss Chambers for years.
?One time he kidnapped Shania and police had to escort Christine to his caravan to get her back,? she said. ?I have seen her with bruises, a black eye and a broken nose.
?The police knew what was going on. I was there most times when the police came round. She had been calling them for two weeks.?
Karran Tomlinson, 35, said she had lived next to Miss Chambers for four years and had heard many violent rows during that time ? including threats from Oakes to kill Shania.
She said: ?Dave was a nasty piece of work. He had been beating her up for years. I think she was just too scared to leave him.
?She finally found the courage to leave him seven weeks ago and now this has happened.?
Police managed to enter the house at around 5.45am, and arrested Oakes who was taken to Broomfield Hospital, in Chelmsford. Last night a life-long friend of Oakes said he had terrorised women for more than 20 years because of his uncontrollable jealously. The woman, who asked not to be named, said: ?As soon as I heard I knew it had to be David.
?He has a vicious temper and is not a man to be crossed.?

Oh michelle :(

Dirtymartini is not splitting hairs, she is exactly right. If I go to work in a bank that has been robbed before, but I persist in going to work there, is it my fault if I get taken hostage?

I'm not sure that spying on people is normal . Or trying to control them in any way.

Sybil, how many times do I have to say that he is the lowest form of scum?

The bank analogy simply doesn't hold water.

If you knew a dog was dangerous and had bitten a friend, would you stick your arm in it's cage?

Don't be silly. He wasn't spying on you. Why would he spy on you? Why would you think something like that? It's a coincidence.

GS - Chrissy did leave 'the lowest form of scum', that's why he killed her isn't it? You'd like to heap some vituperation upon her corpse for having a child with 'the lowest form of scum' so that even after death she shouldn't be exculpated in any way from his actions.

Sorry Greenstocking - firstly I believe that the random bad guy at uni is a figment of your imagination who was conveniently invented in order to justify your attitude that the victims of domestic violence are to blame.

Perhaps you could link to some psychological studies which back up your insistence that there are women lining up out there to get the shit beaten out of them by a 'bad' boy?

And perhaps when you've done that, you can have a look at the Womens Aid website and educate yourself about the subtle, insidious and slow burning nature of the development of an abusive relationship. The often recommended book 'Why does he do that - inside the minds of angry and controlling me' by Lundy Bancroft is a good start should you ever chose to maove away from the notion that the victim is at fault.

Greenstocking, you don't get it, it is about focus. If you think that 3 groups of people are doing something wrong in order for this bad thing to happen, then who do you choose to focus on?
Saying you are victim-blaming is not the same as saying you don't think the perpetrator didn't do anything wrong, it is the fact that you are focusing on the victim.
Why do that? Seriously, why focus on the person whose wrongness is merely an emotional mistake rather than out-and-out sadism or negligence? What makes you put all this effort into criticising the behaviour of the woman rather than the behaviour of the perpetrator?

Thanks elephants. I've now been happily married to a wonderful man for a few years now, so I'm more than ok. I did manage to get away in the end. But I'll freely admit that I got manipulated so badly, I didn't know what was going on. It genuinely could happen to anyone. I'm not a fool because I got fooled.

sapphire - you wish he was, I'm sure.

You've never met a woman who liked " bad boys ", then?

Or a woman complain a man was, " too nice"?

I have - many times over the years, sadly.

LadyBlaBlah Your children are living with fear every day. Investigate what support you can get, and then take the kids and go. Don't tell him, just go. Try www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=000100010018 for starters.

at the bank analogy not holding water, but the dog one supposedly being fine.

Gotta go get the kids. Greenstocking, even if you can't bring yourself to admit here that anyone who disagrees with you has a point, I hope that some part of your conscience will force you to secretly consider the implications of your views re DV. Because frankly, the way you see it at the moment is seriously messed up. You are part of the problem. It's a shame you seem to think you have the solution.

Greenstocking - a 'bad boy' is a term I associate with someone who is a bit of a maverick, maybe 'likes the women', is a 'bit of a boy' etc. A pathetic phrase but not the sort of casual/light hearted phrase I would associate with someone who beats and rapes their partners.

I don't have the solution Dirtymartini.

Do you?

I think your view that all victims of DV have zero power and zero choice in their lives is seriously messed up too.

How do you account for the thousands of women who do escape?

Amongst other people I see woman that have been abused during my job. First and formeost we talk about domestic abuse not domestic violence because that perpetrates the myth of the physically battered woman being the "worst" - and its not. Domestic abuse falls into 4 categories - physical, emotional, sexual and financial. By the time the physical abuse starts its often too late for women to feel they can leave.

I was on a course about it a few weeks ago and the trainer actually said physical abuse is the least effective way a man or woman has of controlling a woman - emotional abuse is by far the worst here. Not that physical abuse is not damaaging - of course it is - and is dangerous but emotional abuse is what can cause women to lose confidence and self esteem - the things they need to leave an abusive relationship.

Ladyblah, you can get an interview with a womens refuge and have a place waiting for you when you leave. You don't need to prove anything. They keep spare bedding, clothes etc and can help you with everything. The refuge will be locked securely, someone will always be on duty. I know it's terrifying but you can get away. Pick your moment and run.

"I think your view that all victims of DV have zero power and zero choice in their lives is seriously messed up too"

Nice try. I'm not out the door yet, but it didn't take you long to post something I never said and don't think, and attribute it to me, did it? Manipulation: the refuge of the cornered.

Byeee!

greenstocking quite often the scum doesnt emerge until he has the women trapped thats how cowards work. this is so so sad and once again the police have done nothing to help but then they rarely do!!!
r i p xxx

michelle and radancer - thank you. I have been in touch with WA. I am working on the exit plan

My ex was abusive and violent. I didn't pluck up the courage to leave him until I feared for my life.

Before he became controlling and abusive he systematically (sp?) cut all of my friends out of my life one by one over a period of several months. He did this by alienating me from them.

He gave me the sob stories about how awful his childhood had been, how stressful his job was (army) and how if I left him it would kill him.

When he started to mentally abuse me I found I had no-one to talk to. When he started to hit me he made me believe my family would be ashamed of me, as it was my fault. When he began to sexually abuse me he made me believe I was dirty and no-one would want to know me.

In short, I began to feel a twisted sort of love born out of a complete dependence on him. I honestly believed I had no-one else, and no-one else would want me. I thought it was better to be with him than by myself.

I only left him after he beat me into unconsciousness with a pool cue. In a busy pub. My crime? I had won a game of pool by default (he potted the black).

It is the hardest thing to get out of the cycle of self loathing that DV can put you in. Until you have to get out of it you can't imagine how difficult.

That poor lady and child. RIP.

LadyBlaBlah - I wish you all the best and hope you get every bit of support you deserve. x

rooting for you LadyBlaBlah

I'm so glad to hear that, michelle :) It's great that you can speak out about what happened to you and (try to) make others see what it's like.

Greenstocking - I don't care how many women you know who like naughty boys or have dumped people for being too nice (IMO this is a euphemism for "dull" rather than anything else), it could be thousands for all I care. These men are not caged dogs, they are humans who are out and about, and bemoaning the actions of the women who fall in love with them, and then try to escape, or actually escape and then are killed is completly pointless.

What is your agenda here? What do you want us all to admit? That women should be more careful? That's it's partly the fault of all the women on the victims of violence thread? That they should have never given the bloke the time of day/gone on a date/moved in with/married/had a child with him? That they should have left? That they should have left and gone further away? Perhaps they should have left and gone further away and then armed themselves to the teeth? Built a fucking fortress with arrow slits?

Does it make some women feel safe to imagine that they will never encounter this behaviour, and that if they do they will know to leave at exactly the right time? Some time after the abusive behaviour starts but before they are in danger of death presumably, even though for many women that is an incredibly short time. That's why I posted the Angela Hoyt link above, one minute he was being weird on her facebook account, the next he has murdered her.

These women need a vigilante army of armed women protection by the police and the courts, and to be listened to, and never ever ever to hear someone say "why didn't you..."

In reality, women might actually have a choice and have power, but that is not how it feels when you're barely functioning in an abusive relationship.

Yes - I have friends who have commented that a bloke is 'too nice'. In the context of liking Disney movies or spending too much time phoning their mums. Do you SERIOUSLY believe that a woman who comments that a man is to nice is asking for violence? Deserves abuse? So if those friends ever experience abuse or violence it's THEIR fault? and as for the friends who have commented on liking 'bad' boys - the 'badness' extends to driving a dodgy motorbike or not being particular about personal hygiene.
Your vision of domestic abuse and vilence is seriously skewed. Screech 'abuse' or name calling all that you like. I'm glad that you've posted and been so roundly challenged and disagreed with. It helps to blow attitudes like yours out of the water.

Elephants - brilliant post!