Another woman killed by her ex violent shit of a partner.

[sundayrose10]

It's just so tragic and I feel so angry at another senseless death on a woman by a scum. It's well known leaving an abusive partner is the most dangerous time...why don't the police do more?

It is too sad for words. How can the surviving child even begin to get through something like that?

From the daily fail. I can't link so copied and pasted.

100 threats to kill: Mother handed police texts days before ex-partner gunned down her and their little girl

Shotgun shoved in child's mouth just moments before murders
Watchdog probes claims police knew of volatile situation between parents
A terrified mother handed police 100 menacing text messages from her crazed ex-partner days before he shot her and their two-year-old dead.
Chrissie Chambers, 38, made a formal statement to officers last week about David Oakes?s repeated threats to kill her during a bitter row over access to their daughter.
Nothing was done and yesterday morning Oakes killed Miss Chambers and young Shania in their home.

The killer also shoved his shotgun into the mouth of Shania?s half sister, Chelsea, who saved her life by fleeing through a window and on to the kitchen roof.
Her mother had urged the ten-year-old to ?run, run, save yourself while you can?.
Last night an inquiry was launched by the Independent Police Complaints Commission after it emerged that officers had been called to the house a number of times over the past two years,
It was also claimed that Oakes was subjected to a non-molestation order that prevented him from coming within 100 yards of her.
Stuart Flitt, 26, who is a half brother to Chelsea, said police had been given warning after warning.
?The last time she made a statement was on Thursday ? she was making statements to the police all week,? he said.
?She gave police over 100 text messages but they never took her seriously.
?These texts threatened to kill her ? I had been staying round there for her own safety.?
A close friend of the family said: ?The police said to her ?We cannot do anything until something happens to you?. She was scared ? she sobbed her heart out to me on Friday. This should not have happened.
?The police were in the wrong and they knew about this weeks ago.?

Unemployed Oakes, 50, was under police guard in hospital last night with non life-threatening injuries after turning the gun on himself at the end of a two-hour stand-off at the semi-detached house in Braintree, Essex.
Chelsea?s father, Ian Flitt, said he was woken in the early hours of yesterday morning by Chelsea who was banging on his door.
The 50-year-old said: ?She started screaming ?He is there at the house with a gun? and ?He has put it into Chrissie?s mouth?.?
Oakes killed his former partner before turning the gun on Shania. Chelsea climbed through the window on to the kitchen roof, before dropping ten feet to the ground below and running half a mile barefoot in her nightgown to her father?s house. ?If he was prepared to shoot his own daughter, he would have shot her,? he said.
Oakes, who has been described as an ?abusive, jealous woman hater?, embarked on his killing spree hours before a court appearance over the custody of Shania.
He and Miss Chambers had been together for six years before they split seven weeks ago.
She had had a ten-year relationship with Mr Flitt and they had three children, Levi 16, Guy, 11, and Chelsea, who lived with her and Shania.

Assistant Chief Constable Gary Beautridge of Essex Police said: ?We have had two years of contact between him [Oakes] and the family and as part of the investigation there will be a full and fundamental review of the circumstances of this contact.?
Amid dramatic scenes outside her house yesterday, a distraught man shouted at officers: ?You knew this was going to happen, you could have stopped it.?

Donna Garrod, 20, said Oakes, who is understood to have been a drug dealer, had been violent toward Miss Chambers for years.
?One time he kidnapped Shania and police had to escort Christine to his caravan to get her back,? she said. ?I have seen her with bruises, a black eye and a broken nose.
?The police knew what was going on. I was there most times when the police came round. She had been calling them for two weeks.?
Karran Tomlinson, 35, said she had lived next to Miss Chambers for four years and had heard many violent rows during that time ? including threats from Oakes to kill Shania.
She said: ?Dave was a nasty piece of work. He had been beating her up for years. I think she was just too scared to leave him.
?She finally found the courage to leave him seven weeks ago and now this has happened.?
Police managed to enter the house at around 5.45am, and arrested Oakes who was taken to Broomfield Hospital, in Chelmsford. Last night a life-long friend of Oakes said he had terrorised women for more than 20 years because of his uncontrollable jealously. The woman, who asked not to be named, said: ?As soon as I heard I knew it had to be David.
?He has a vicious temper and is not a man to be crossed.?

Hugs back. Is that not a Mumsnet thing to do? I'm new-ish. Ah well, bollocks to it. I think we've been though worse than a bit of internet disapproval!

Me too freudianslipper. It took me such a long time afterwards to realise that I hadn't done anything wrong. The more you fight back and try and stand up for yourself, the worse it gets. And then it's so easy to be convinced that it's because you're argumentative that you're in that situation. Even though you spent your time treading on egg shells and found yourself desperately admitting and accepting any wild accusation to get it to stop.

I haven't read all the posts so sorry of this has already been said.

Abusers aren't horrible all the time. If they were it would be so much easier to leave.
They start off charming
They then start gradually chipping away at any pedestal they put you on
They start being emotionally abusive but not all the time..very confusing!
Then it just gets worse.
Your self esteem is very very gradually worn away and so when they are nice its almost intoxicating and you so want to believe that is the real person.
When you realise that it is never going to be ok they then start getting threatening and violent and you find yourself in the middle of the nightmare that you've been trying to avoid. That's when you finally realise the extent of the psychopath you were living with.

My own experience when I finally called the police on exP was not great. I was left feeling like I was just waiting for the next thing to happen and until it did they could do nothing. I could press charges but it was my word against his.
I was also told that it is very hard to kick a door in. I know exP could kick my door in within seconds :-(

mumofaflump

"It only occured to me after I left that he had gotten everything he wanted that night. A lift home and a shag. Hitting me was probably a bonus."

succinct. And heartbreaking.
Keep the anecdotes coming. Very revealing and constructive

So sorry babyhammock. It happened to us lot too though. I put a lot earlier on this thread that I tried calling the police after I was attacked when I was pregnant. They took a very brief statement from me in hospital and then popped round to his house. Then a week later when I called to see what had happened they told me that he hadn't been in!

michelleseashell that's terrible .
I think it was dittani that said earlier that the police and courts are operating in a completely different world from the rest of us. This is so true.

What happened with you after that?
I eventually got an ex-parte injuction. He's trying every trick in the book to get it removed though and I'm worried he'll succeed. Brains' post was heartbreaking about her 2 DSSs... I'm so scared of that too with DS.

At that time I was only 19 - as my photos will testify I am only a little thing. The lad beat me unconcious with a pool cue...

His mates watched and laughed...

A stranger dragged him off me. They left me on the floor and went out on the town.

That was what did it for me. I got up the courage to tell someone what was happening. I picked someone removed from the situation, a young lad I was distant friends with to text. He gave me the courage to realise I wasnt the one to blame. It was bloody hard accepting that I wasnt stupid, or disgusting. I am now engaged to him and a lovelier, sweeter man I couldnt hope to find.

Right, am off to bed so apologies if I dont answer any mesages!

Oh Babyhammock... I cant say anything that doesnt sound trite, but, my thoughts are with you.

Thankyou...
So glad you got out when you did x

I know. Brainless's story really gave me chills. I came so close to being in the same situation.

It's a very long story how I got away. I'll just skip to the end and say that after a long time he lost interest in trying to find me. I still watch my back but I haven't seen him in years. I hear he still talks about me but thankfully has descended so far into madness that no one believes what he says. The last I heard he'd lost his job and started taking hard drugs. Shame.

Thank you michelleseashell for your accurate description of how the abuse creeps up on you without you even realising. Every single one of your posts resonated with me.

Babyhammock your post reminded me of a blog post I read ages ago - I don't know if it's of any use to you but here:

How (not) to break down a door

'Basically it is the job of the legal system to protect the public from criminals.'

The Public = everyone except women
Criminals = everyone committing a crime except male partners/husbands

Where a husband's crime on his spouse the victim goes, I believe there is still the attitude that a man may do whatever he wishes to his property. So therefore nothing is really a crime until there is incontrovertible evidence in the form of a body or two, and then there's head scratching, and baffled references to the inevitable non-molestation order. (A piece of paper)

Apologies for not reading the whole thread. I emailed the Home Office about this today. If anybody wants to correct what I've written, or otherwise improve it, please do so and I will also email the better version!

===================

Dear Ms May,

The sad case of Chrissie, Shania & Chelsea Chambers highlights once again the appalling lack of Police concern for domestic violence victims. Chrissie Chambers is reported to have done all the right things - brought her murderer's harassment, threats of violence and previous endangerment to Police attention, requested assistance and maintained frequent contact with the force tasked to protect her and her children.

As far as I'm aware, Oakes committed at least three crimes against her before killing her. He could have been arrested for threatening behaviour, threatening to kill, verbal abuse and, depending on whether an injunction was in place, breach of a Court order. I am sure other charges could also have been made. Essex Police could have arrested Oakes, giving them enough time to assist Chambers to a place of safety.

Perhaps you underestimate the strength of anger amongst women about the depressing regularity of such murders and subsequent empty apologies from the Police. How about raising the topic amongst a few groups of women in cafes? You really MUST ensure that published Police procedures are actually followed and, preferably, revive Domestic Violence Protection Orders as proposed by your predecessor.

British women believe this country does not care about their safety - time after time, they're proved to be right.Please take urgent action.

Yours faithfully,
[me]
[my address]

===================

If you're interesting in supporting Ed Balls's campaign to get the DV Protection Order reinstated (it gives police the power to remove an abuser from the home for 2-4 weeks on reasonable suspicion), there's a click-and-sign petition here:
action.edballs4labour.org/page/s/WritetoTheresaMay

I think it's a great idea.

BUT -- what about financial support for the woman while the man who may be the breadwinner is gone? Can his salary/wage be paid directly to the woman or deposited in a bank? What about bills that need paying if he is the only one with access to the money? (this often happens) What about transport to appointments (doctors' appointments for children, hospital appointments for pregnant women or support during labour, etc) if the woman does not have a car or access to the family car or cannot drive? Women in DV situations often can't see the wood for the trees and are overwhelmed when they think of the little minutiae of life for which they depend on their abusers. It would be comforting and very encouraging if they could see that the details would be taken care of.

Very good points, Math. This is where support agencies like Womens Aid come into their own, isn't it? It's so frustrating that every police force publishes pledges wrt domestic violence, plus information about their links with the support agencies - all the result of huge government-led investment over the past 5-6 years - yet actually does fuck all, bleating about "learning from" the totally preventable murder of a woman and her child

So what have the police done with all that money, the training courses, the dedicated advisors and the expensive collaboration with support agencies??

Umm, I just want to write "Theresa May" "Domestic Violence" a few more times - in hopes that one of her team will find this thread and its harrowing seam of reasons why the issue matters such a lot.

"Theresa May" "Domestic Violence" "Theresa May" "Domestic Violence". There you go :)

I was just reading page 10, where Erin Pizzey has cropped up.

She started her work in the early 70s, when the very idea of helping women to leave their husbands was controversial and unpopular. As AlouiseG said earlier, she inevitably attracted much wrath and attempts to discredit her. Many of those attempts were based around her theory that some women were 'hard wired' to love violent men, and that they were 'addicted' to the roller-coaster of an abusive relationship. As a survivor of both childhood and spousal abuse, I can say Pizzey got it right - although, since neurobiology barely existed at that time, she couldn't have known about neural pathways the effects of adrenaline within the brain.

There's a more contemporary summary of traumatic bonding here:
www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html
Alongside the 'boiled frog' phenomenon, it goes a long way to explain why "they don't just leave".

For children born into a roller-coaster relationship, sporadic floods of adrenaline actually affect brain formation - Pizzey was almost right that people like me are 'hard-wired' for abuse, though that wiring is the result of their parents' behaviour. And, of course, it can be undone with patience and the right guidance.

I assume somebody's already posted the boiled frog thing? If you put a frog into a pot of boiling water, it will jump out. Put it in a pan of cold water, then heat it, and the frog adjusts its own temperature to adapt to its environment. It stays in the pan. And gets boiled.

Abusers don't start their relationships with abuse, or they've never keep anyone long enough to work on, would they? They 'condition' their targets, like the cook with the frog in his gently heating pan of water. This is what leads to targets losing the ability to clearly understand what's happening to them.

Erin Pizzey is loathed by current radfems. And indeed, by Women's Aid, when I worked for them many years ago.

Another vote that this should be a MN campaign.

I also think that this thread should be allowed to go over 1000 posts if necessary.

I think spotting the early signs should become part of the curriculum at secondary. It's all very well wringing our hands and saying we should teach our dd's to spot it and our dss not to do it, but there are many of us who simply DON'T KNOW. Jasper has asked the right questions which has been tremendously helpful, those who have given answers have been even more so. michelleseashell has illustrated beautifully the slow creep of emotional abuse. Thank you all for enlightening me.

LadyBlaBlah, I am truly horrified by your situation, and pray for your safety.

I think I was first one to mention Erin, I think she is a very great lady who speaks the truth but truth hurts.

I don't think anyone would actively seek out abuse ever. I do think having an abusive background makes it more likely though.

Abusers aren't bad all the time and many of the traits they have will be 'familiar' to someone who's suffered abuse as a child. Does that make sense? I'm trying to type as fast as I can..

GARLICBUTTER .. you are so, so right. You slowly becaome condittioned to the dreadful abusive realtionship yu are in... and think you are the cause, you deserve no better and try with all your might to hang on in their for the sake of your children. you feel so bad about yourself.. you just want to be loved and treated kindly. Having gone through it , the whole subject still makes me cross/angry and I just want to go and kick these horrid cruel men in the crotch. I came out of an abusive relationship with my 3rd child in 2006 and I still wish my Ex nothing good....

Babyhammock.... you are right as well, and make total sense..
Their traits are familiar.

My mother was a Jekyl & Hyde.... one minute ok and calm, the next minute she had a fowl fowl temper, was critical, unsupportive and made me feel like shit.
.. and yet now she is 79 yrs old I dont like her much, but with my father having been very ill , I am there for her, because she is my mother.
So in other words, you are there and dont walk away, because you feel its wrong to do so.

they say, dont they, that you try in your adult relationship to put right what went wrong in childhood. Sadly though this is not possible.

I'm not sure about this abusive background making you more likely to become a victim.............I and the one other person I know who has suffered DV are both from very loving stable emotionally continent homes.

In fact it could be the very opposite and that a woman who has had a life of optimism and kindness might be taken advantage of. Perhaps a person who has never experienced abuse is more likely to you explain away abusive behaviour, making it more likely you accept their apologies (It being polite and kind to accept an apology and move on), accept their reasons why they have followed you to work, why they have called your friends behind your back etc. If you don't think like an abuser, you don't see what they are doing - you simply can't believe someone would be like that. So I'm not really liking the because you have come from abuse you seek out/put up with abuse, it certainly doesn't make sense in my situation.

Actually, reading back on the post, it just goes to prove it can happen to anyone. Again, it doesn't matter what the woman is like - from abuse or not from abuse, it can happen and does happen to anyone.

Yes I think babyhammock has it right. I have read the Erin Pizzey book and I could see the link she was making, but I think garlicbutter has it right - it's better understood now and Pizzey's explanation is simplistic.

FWIW I didn't think the theory did come across as victim-blaming, more about understanding - trying to see why someone would choose to stay or go back to what for an outsider seems like a totally obvious disaster. I was a long time ago that I read the book though. It's harder to help people if you don't understand their motives (if that makes sense?) It can take a lot of patience to support someone to leave an abusive relationship, because it's not just about physically leaving, there's a mental shift which has to take place as well. This is where resources like mumsnet or other support groups come in, I honestly think it's such a hard job, one person couldn't do it alone. Mumsnet wouldn't be so fantastic if it wasn't so big - there's always someone here. Even if you're feeling exhausted with it all and can't help anyone any more there will be someone else ready to listen.

Crispyseaweed I think you are very right that we use our early relationships to try and play out our parents' relationship dramas so we can "fix" what went wrong. I wonder why that is? Logically if you've seen something go wrong, why would you go and try it? Perhaps this is something we need to be aware of with our own children.