Another woman killed by her ex violent shit of a partner.

[sundayrose10]

It's just so tragic and I feel so angry at another senseless death on a woman by a scum. It's well known leaving an abusive partner is the most dangerous time...why don't the police do more?

It is too sad for words. How can the surviving child even begin to get through something like that?

From the daily fail. I can't link so copied and pasted.

100 threats to kill: Mother handed police texts days before ex-partner gunned down her and their little girl

Shotgun shoved in child's mouth just moments before murders
Watchdog probes claims police knew of volatile situation between parents
A terrified mother handed police 100 menacing text messages from her crazed ex-partner days before he shot her and their two-year-old dead.
Chrissie Chambers, 38, made a formal statement to officers last week about David Oakes?s repeated threats to kill her during a bitter row over access to their daughter.
Nothing was done and yesterday morning Oakes killed Miss Chambers and young Shania in their home.

The killer also shoved his shotgun into the mouth of Shania?s half sister, Chelsea, who saved her life by fleeing through a window and on to the kitchen roof.
Her mother had urged the ten-year-old to ?run, run, save yourself while you can?.
Last night an inquiry was launched by the Independent Police Complaints Commission after it emerged that officers had been called to the house a number of times over the past two years,
It was also claimed that Oakes was subjected to a non-molestation order that prevented him from coming within 100 yards of her.
Stuart Flitt, 26, who is a half brother to Chelsea, said police had been given warning after warning.
?The last time she made a statement was on Thursday ? she was making statements to the police all week,? he said.
?She gave police over 100 text messages but they never took her seriously.
?These texts threatened to kill her ? I had been staying round there for her own safety.?
A close friend of the family said: ?The police said to her ?We cannot do anything until something happens to you?. She was scared ? she sobbed her heart out to me on Friday. This should not have happened.
?The police were in the wrong and they knew about this weeks ago.?

Unemployed Oakes, 50, was under police guard in hospital last night with non life-threatening injuries after turning the gun on himself at the end of a two-hour stand-off at the semi-detached house in Braintree, Essex.
Chelsea?s father, Ian Flitt, said he was woken in the early hours of yesterday morning by Chelsea who was banging on his door.
The 50-year-old said: ?She started screaming ?He is there at the house with a gun? and ?He has put it into Chrissie?s mouth?.?
Oakes killed his former partner before turning the gun on Shania. Chelsea climbed through the window on to the kitchen roof, before dropping ten feet to the ground below and running half a mile barefoot in her nightgown to her father?s house. ?If he was prepared to shoot his own daughter, he would have shot her,? he said.
Oakes, who has been described as an ?abusive, jealous woman hater?, embarked on his killing spree hours before a court appearance over the custody of Shania.
He and Miss Chambers had been together for six years before they split seven weeks ago.
She had had a ten-year relationship with Mr Flitt and they had three children, Levi 16, Guy, 11, and Chelsea, who lived with her and Shania.

Assistant Chief Constable Gary Beautridge of Essex Police said: ?We have had two years of contact between him [Oakes] and the family and as part of the investigation there will be a full and fundamental review of the circumstances of this contact.?
Amid dramatic scenes outside her house yesterday, a distraught man shouted at officers: ?You knew this was going to happen, you could have stopped it.?

Donna Garrod, 20, said Oakes, who is understood to have been a drug dealer, had been violent toward Miss Chambers for years.
?One time he kidnapped Shania and police had to escort Christine to his caravan to get her back,? she said. ?I have seen her with bruises, a black eye and a broken nose.
?The police knew what was going on. I was there most times when the police came round. She had been calling them for two weeks.?
Karran Tomlinson, 35, said she had lived next to Miss Chambers for four years and had heard many violent rows during that time ? including threats from Oakes to kill Shania.
She said: ?Dave was a nasty piece of work. He had been beating her up for years. I think she was just too scared to leave him.
?She finally found the courage to leave him seven weeks ago and now this has happened.?
Police managed to enter the house at around 5.45am, and arrested Oakes who was taken to Broomfield Hospital, in Chelmsford. Last night a life-long friend of Oakes said he had terrorised women for more than 20 years because of his uncontrollable jealously. The woman, who asked not to be named, said: ?As soon as I heard I knew it had to be David.
?He has a vicious temper and is not a man to be crossed.?

Freudianslipper, it's a very broad sweep to say ANY of us could be victims. Abusers and victims come in all shapes and sizes and from all walks of life but that is not the same as saying ANY woman could be abused .

Many Women DO leave men at the very earliest signs of possessiveness/ abuse / whatever.

I would be out the door in a cloud of dust if someone tried to isolate me from my friends or the scenario described above-( the one about following you to work and stuff), - sorry can't remember who said it .

And no, I sincerely doubt that there are often signs from day one but if I was ever hit, whether it was day one, 1001, 10001 or whatever that would be the end of it

I dumped a guy once because he complained about the way I cooked sausages.

michelle, thank you for sharing that.
Truly chilling. I am so glad you got out.

It was me who mentioned the following to work. I can expand on it. It wasn't that he was following her to work, he was insisting that she let him drive her to work. And when she asks why, he says, I miss you so much I want to spend all my time with you. That would be followed by an invite for a romantic meal that evening.

It's so easy to pick apart your suspicions. They aren't quantifyable. I could be describing a lovely young man who wants to spend time with his girlfriend... Or I could be describing a cold psychopath who wants to cleverly control his victim's every move. You'd have to be psychic to know which was which.

Thanks again Michelleseashell.
We need to hear more from women like you who have been through it and have come out the other end because it is people like you who can help those ( like me ) in the head scratching camp to understand how abuse creeps up on you.

In the example you gave ( I do NOT want to diminish what you said ) I would never ever think it was a lovely thing for a man to insist on running me to work , unless he was driving that way anyway. I would always see it as a creepy thing to suggest ( NOT that I would consider it the trait of an abuser, just weird ) and something that would put me off someone , but then I am a tired old bat who is very suspicious of all that sort of "chivalrous" stuff

ladyblahblah are you still there?

Can someone answer on her behalf, when you go to womens aid, are they able to guarantee your safety from a man who has threatened to kill you if you leave?

Essex Police clearly failed to learn anything from this case

Glad I moved.

jasper, as I understand it, a woman can go to a refuge and the location is kept secret. I think they do everything they can to keep a woman safe. Of course, there are more women in need that there are refuge places, but that's outwith your question.

Why can't a woman be protected from man who is threatening to kill her without leaving her home and that of her children?

I suggested relocating such men to one of the uninhabited Falkland Islands as a joke on another thread about this. I am warming to the idea.

that is very easy to say jasper but what if you are married, have children do you pack up and leave because your husband suddenly starts criticising you? you may well do but there maybe circumstances where you are blind to it you yourself may be in a bad place, just been made redundant, death of a close one or something else preoccupying your mind, you are feeling emotionally fragile and it starts then, its very small and as you are so preoccupied and need their support when they give it to you its welcoming the abuse can so easily be over looked

its very easy to say well i have done this so i would not do that but thousands of women have said this and sadly ended up in abusive relationships because the abuse has been so gradual they can not see it, looking back they see it very clearly and this is when they usually get or try to get out but when so many things are going in life its often very hard to see, those who do see early are usually the ones who have experienced it

every women should believe and have faith it will not happen to them but i think its quite a statement to say that it will not happen to you simply because there is no one type of women or personality/ies that it happens too

This incident happened in the same town where I live. Yes, all the warning signs were there. Yes the local police force and social services were aware and they did nothing.
Unfortunately, this does not surprise me in the slightest (I can only speak specifically about the local police (Braintree) and social services (Essex). I have been fighting for years for help from both the police, social services, the court system and anyone else who will listen. The cruxt of it is, they WILL NOT intervene until something actually happens - and even then the offender is only likely to get a slap on the wrists and a "don't do it again". I DESPAIR.
Poor Crissy could have been (and still might?).
I seperated from the violent father of my ds's 10 years ago - over those ten years I and my sons' schools have contacted the police and social services on many occasions for abuse and violence directed towards me and mistreatment of my poor ds's.
Each time, my ex showed remorse and vowed never to do such things again (until next time).
I stopped him having any contact with the boys for a year after an incident which was reported to social services via the school involving indecent images being shown and conversations about intimate sexual behaviour with the boys (at the time aged 4 and 6)..... I sort advice from ss - who informed me that as xdp and i were not married at their time of birth and as they were born before 2003 he had no rights over them and although they could not advise me not to send them to see him, if I did I and something untoward occurred the onus lay with me.
He took me to court - social services filed a section 7 report, history was gathered from police of violence towards me - they gave him weekly unsupervised contact.
More incidents have occurred since them, the police and social services have been informed. Threatening text messages and telephone messages have all been reported.... all by a man with a violent track record (as an example - he threw a policeman through a plate glass mcDonalds window - 2 counts of armed robbery) and STILL they do nothing!
It took everything within me to get away from that man.... to protect firstly my children and of course me. Due to the lack of support from Braintree police and Essex social services, I am now in a position where every other weekend I have to hand my children over to this man - this man who fills their heads with absolute poison - who has turned my eldest against me, who in turn now abuses me and justifies his fathers behaviour towards me as being my own fault for not doing x,y or z.
If I do not send them to their dad's I am in contempt of court ( I have tried this, but the judge presiding saw no change in the circumstances from when the original order was made). I have no backing from anyone, poor Crissy was away from her partner for 7 weeks..... this has been going on for us for 10 years! sometimes i wish he would just be done with it and get it over and done with - this is a living hell - this is worse than when we were together, the physical abuse i could handle the mental abuse i could put into perspective - the not knowing is the thing i can't handle. He STILL has that control over me (and i now have a new partner and 2 dd's)
On the outside i'm strong and "over it" because I have to be, but inside and in reality i'm a wreck.
Don't really know what point i'm trying to make here, other than sadly I can see how this awful situation occurred. The police and social services DO NOT want to know until something "significant" happens - and then it's usually too late.
RIP Chrissy and Shania.
God bless Chelsea and give her the strength to come to terms with these awful events xx xx

no if a women leaves a refuge her safety can not be guaranteed though she will be supported and given advice on how to keep herself as safe as possible. most women in a refudge are their becsause they really fear for their life that is how bad the abuse has got. that is why they are best living there until the case has gone through the courts then hopefully they will get support to relocate while he is in prison, or in some cases had therapy particularly if there is alcohol or drug abuse, not that this guarantees a women's safety at all the only thing that really does is him being behind bars

yes its the women and children that really suffer, and its easy to understand why so many women do stay

I am really quite cross with the people who are so sure they would be out the door at the first sign of anything amiss.

Mostly because I would have said that too, before it happened to me. The thing that people who have NOT experienced it don't realise is how insidious it is. Michelle has tried to explain - it's tiny things to start with. Teeny tiny, you're made to feel ridiculous for even noticing; you're over-reacting. If it escalates too soon, there is abject horror and profuse apology. Crying, even. you forgive it once, because of the scale of the horror and apology. It settles down for a while - he is lovely again and you remember why you got with him in the first place. Then there is another incident, a small control one, as Michelle describes - and you question him - he acts hurt, defensive, you don't trust him, you're going to leave him, it'll break his heart, he doesn't know what to do without you. You reassure (it's natural to do so) - he knows then he has you tied in. And so it creeps up, but so gradually that you don't even notice that it's getting worse.

It's easy to say you'd be out the door at the first sign - but if you've been with someone for a while it's NOT easy. You look as though you're over-reacting, your bar is progressively lowered as to what is acceptable behaviour and in between the "bad" things he keeps you hooked in with lovely behaviour. Getting you pregnant is a real triumph - not only does he have you now, but he has another control mechanism. Thank God I never got that far - he lost interest in me and found another woman, one who was easier to control. When I look back on that year of my life, I shudder - I was so lucky that he buggered off! I hate to think what would have happened if he had stayed - but I know I would have got sucked in more and more; and yes, a large part of it is because I knew his family background and felt sorry for him, felt that it in some way excused his abysmal behaviour. It didn't.

Once it gets really bad - there are threats - kill you, kill himself, kill the children. Easy to say "leave then" - but as we have seen on numerous threads in relationships, it's hard to break the cycle of fear and for the women to believe that they really can escape with their lives, and their children. You only have to read the threads about how courts view the importance of paternal access, regardless (in some cases) of danger to the woman or her children to see why the women cannot trust the system to keep them safe.

Instead of smugly patting yourself on the back for being so clever to avoid these men, thank your lucky stars that you have never come across one and say "There but for the grace of God go I" because believe me, that's all it is.

(Sorry about the terrible grammer and broken sentences in the above post, it's late and I can't seem to find an edit button x)

that is so sad :(

it is such a messed up system at times

xposted with brainless - who amply demonstrates how badly the courts let down the abused women and children, in the name of "paternal access" being more important than their safety.
:(

I was advised by a barrister on the day of our first court hearing where xdp applied for parental responsibility, to get on a plane and disappear before the order was made, as once the order was granted there was nothing I could do. That unless the abuse was physically directly at the children the judgement would go in xdp's favour. There is no accountability for mental abuse as it cannot be proven.
I now have 2 severely messed up boys who in all likely hood will grow up to report the abusive behaviour they have learnt from their father - their dad shows them the court papers like a trophy that he hasn't done anything wrong as if he had they would have ruled against him.
And I STILL have them both coming home from contact saying "when K moves out and dad moves back in...." they see nothing wrong with what he has done, it's all my fault.

*repeat ^^

Oh brainless - isn't it maddening? Even the barrister knew how it would go and there is nothing anyone can do to change it. :(
I feel so sad for anyone caught in that trap and so grateful that I escaped it, by pure luck.

thumbwitch, thanks for that.

but it's not helpful to accuse people of being smug /clever in avoiding such men. I am going out of my way here to try to understand how abuse creeps up on you and all these stories are helping greatly . I am certainly not patting myself on the back, but forgive me if I find it difficult to understand why my friend stays with her abusive arse of a husband, and even more difficult to understand why he is such an abusive arse in the first place.

I'm sorry jasper - it's not aimed personally at you. More at greenstocking.
I can only say that in my case, I was arse over ears in love with the bloke, who knows why! I was even devastated when he left me for someone else - it took a little while and some intensive counselling to sort it all out for me. If you read more of the threads on relationships, those who have escaped the abusive relationships will still say that they would take back their abuser in his good moments - because they can be so charming, so lovely, so giving - also, if you haven't already, read This Charming Man by Marian Keyes. It's scary but gives good insights.

I think it's hard for people who have never suffered this complex level of brainwashing to grasp how easy it is - as I said, I was one of them before it happened to me - and while I wouldn't wish it on anyone I do think people need to stop thinking that it couldn't possibly happen to them - you don't know that until someone tries it on you.

ah, you might have hit the nail on the head there, thumbwitch, about being arse over ears in love with the bloke.

THAT's the bit I can never imagine happening , which makes the rest hard to envisage . I just feel so sort of "meh" about relationships

I wasn't joking when I said I was a tired old bat

Then jasper, and I am saying this in kindness, beware of any relationship where you suddenly do go "wow!" Many of the abusive types, not all of them but many, go hard and fast at the beginning to really get you involved - the charm offensive is impressive!
I was very "meh" about relationships too and mine was a real hard and fast fall. The intensity of their focus on you is so flattering (and, now I know, a huge red flag!).

But I'm not saying that it is going to happen to you - and you might meet a genuinely lovely bloke who is very interested in you - just be aware. :)

The story is most sickening to read not just because of what happened to the woman, but my stomach turned when I read about what happened to her little girl. The man is not a man - he's a beast who deserves to be locked in solitary confinement for the rest of his life. What makes me angry is that my taxes go towards these police and social services staff who get paid but do not do anything useful other than to use up rainforests (writing up reports) or carbon resources (typing reports into their computers). I suppose it would take something like this to happen to a senior politician's loved one for the law to be changed, for those who are asking "what will it take".

You know in other countries, women are advised to change their names and their children's names if they escape from a very violent ex-partner. It's as bad as trying to flee the Mafia.

southof - NOT solitary confinement, no. THat wouldn't be unpleasant enough for him. He needs to be in with the rest of the violent thugs in prison, many of whom still do have respect for women and children and who will likely make the rest of his life a living hell. Hopefully.