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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in thinking dp should help me with dd at nightimes when she wakes up

68 replies

Foxy800 · 06/06/2011 07:54

Dd hasnt been a great sleeper since we moved three yrs ago. But she was getting better, recently we are back to 5 or 6 times a night. she is made to go back to bed.

It is 99.9 per cent of the time me that gets up to her. I have tried talking to dp abotu it but all I get is I need sleepor she wants you (probably cause it is usually me). I have tried waking him but it is such hard work, it is easier to do it myself.

I have tried going on the sofa but still end up getting up cause he doesnt wake up to her.

I know a lot of people out there have no choice but to deal with it all on their own but I just resent the fact he sleeps through and then has the nerve to tell me he is tired, he is usually in bed by 10 but doesnt go to sleep till about 12. ( I am finding it hard as I dont feel I can be the best for dd as I am so tired).

Just dont know how to get him to understand I need help with the waking up sometimes, even if it was just the nights before I have work the next day. So I had a break for three nights and he had a break for 4 nights.

OP posts:

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 06/06/2011 07:57

Of course you should share, you both work, there's absolutely no reason why you shouldn't be alternating nights. He's just telling you that his needs are more important than his.

Do you mean that your daughter is over 3 years old and waking up 5-6 times a night? Blimey. There must be something you can do about that? I don't know what, but that's old enough for some behaviour modification, surely?

5DollarShake · 06/06/2011 07:59

How on earth does he think it's fair that you take 100% of the share in this?!

Kick him in the backside until he wakes up - even if he 'sleeps' (yeah, right) through her cries, he won't sleep through a savage kick up the arse.

Zimm · 06/06/2011 07:59

Foxy how old is your DD? I am guessing from your post at least 3, if not 4? Have you tried getting some help e.g. sleep clinic? 5/6 times at night at this age is a lot.

And yes DP should be doing 50% of the night work. he is just very selfish at present. Pretend to faint with tiredness a few times, preferably dropping and breaking something expensive of his at the time. That ought to do it.

Original poster

Foxy800 · 06/06/2011 08:06

Hi, thanks for the replies. She is 5. It is only recently that we are back to 5-6 times a night, it could be the heat as she insists on going under her duvet, with the door shut. So she only wears a vest or thin nightie as wont go to bed naked. We also have blackout blinds and curtains.

She doesnt cry, just gets out of bed and comes into our room. If Im not there she just keeps calling Daddy and getting louder until he does wake up.

When she does get out she is taken to the toilet if she needs it then put back to bed. She also has a sleepy bunny clock which she knows she is not allowed into our room till the eyes open on it. If she does it is straight back to bed.

OP posts:

Original poster

Foxy800 · 06/06/2011 08:09

I have never heard of a sleep clinic so if you have any information I would happily look into it.

Dd is also being assessed at school for special needs, another story, but if I can get this under control then it would be soemthing less to worry about.

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Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 06/06/2011 08:10

It strikes me that even in your title, you consider this as your job ("dp should help me") - well, no, he shouldn't 'help you', he should do 50% of a job which is as much his job as yours. See the distinction?

Confuzzeled · 06/06/2011 08:14

My dh has never got up with my kids either. He would sleep through it or wake up and complain but not actually get up. Then he would moan about being tired the next day, used to drive me nuts if I'd been up half the night.

In the last few months they've been sleeping well with dd only getting up once and they're both up by 6am. dd is 4yo ds is 21mo.

My only advice is to go away for a weekend and leave him to it. He has to physically understand what it's like for you. It kind of worked for me and the kids slept better when he was grumping about telling them to go to sleep. I also bribed dd to sleep by buying her presents for staying in bed when she woke up. I told her she could knock on the wall or switch on her little light if she was scared of the dark.

It's not fair though, sleep deprivation is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, it can drive you mad.

Original poster

Foxy800 · 06/06/2011 08:14

Yeah sorry worded that way as that is how I think he sees it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Foxy800 · 06/06/2011 08:16

Dont get me wrong the rest of it is 50-50, he does school runs and cares for her when I am at work etc. It is just the night times.

OP posts:

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 06/06/2011 08:16

Yes, that's my point - don't apologise to me (who am I, after all?), just be aware that the whole issue is 'framed' that way - that looking after DD is your 'job' and he 'helps'. One sees this a lot with housework, too, this assumption that men 'help' with housework. It's insidious.

misty0 · 06/06/2011 08:25

I know i'm going to get flamed - but - maybe if you 'slept' through her wakefullness for a couple of nights, she wouldnt get out of bed so often. I'm not saying ignore everything (obvious signs of illness or toilet trouble is another thing) - just make it alot less easy to get your attention.

As long as theres no danger - gate on the stairs, pets shut away downstairs (?) ect, i would be tempted to let her wander out of her room, into yours, find not alot of response and maybe go back to her own room again? Less to tempt her out of bed.

Do you get a bit stroppy when she comes in and wakes you? Sorry to sound harsh, but if i knew i had someone to go to who was prepared to be awake and pleasant everytime i couldnt sleep - i'd keep wandering in for a chat as well! If i thought id get told off and sent back to bed i mightn't bother after a while.

Just my first thoughts. Sorry if i sound like a mother from hell! Good luck OP.

misty0 · 06/06/2011 08:27

I realise i havnt addressed the 'him or you' problem there. But i'm just thinking if you 'slept' as heavily as your OH - what would happen then ..... ? Genuine question - not rhetorical.

Original poster

Foxy800 · 06/06/2011 08:29

Hi there,

Know what you mean aobut the house work too tortoise, although he does the cooking for me and him so dont mind that too much although it would be nice if he didnt say that is your job!!! Anyway that isnt the problem, lol.

I have tried ignoring her but she just stands there calling your name. And when I take her back to bed I just tell her it is time ot stay there till the eyes open on her clock!!! Doesnt seem to work though. And ps you dont sound like the mother from hell.

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Original poster

Foxy800 · 06/06/2011 08:30

Sorry misty not sure of answer to that question.

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lady007pink · 06/06/2011 08:35

Misty0, that is exactly the thought that came into my head on reading the OP. No you don't sound like a mother from hell, you sound sensible.

OP, I had similar issues, but a firm "get back to bed - now!" worked wonders.

misty0 · 06/06/2011 08:51

Cheers for not flaming x It is a tricky one if she's just standing there saying your name over and over! How annoying. I'd get mad as hell to tbh

About the you/him thing - i'm in no way saying it should be you every time - but please try not to fall out with your OH over this. For your own sake. You dont want sleep deprivation AND a rotton atmosphere between you and your OH.

I know where your coming from .... been there actualy. He sleeps too heavily to hear whats going on - and it seems like more trouble than its worth to wake him for his share of it rather than deal with it yourself. Your awake either way.

I think the most productive thing we can do for you here is to help you come up with a way to stop her doing it. Rather than come up with a way for you and your OH to fall out!

I'm thinking, i'm thinking .....

misty0 · 06/06/2011 08:59

OK. calling on my experience working in a primary school, what about a 'good behaviour at night chart' for her?

Work with me here! A colourful chart with sticky stars to put on in the monring of the nights where she doesnt get out of bed. Or only gets up once? Or whatever you want to start with. Let her stick on the star.

So many stars get her a treat your happy to dish out at the end of a week. Three days. Two days. Hell ONE day if you like! A trip out? A food treat? A toy? Rewarding good behaviour is the way to go if you ask the experts. Its worth a go?

discobeaver · 06/06/2011 09:06

I think you should ignore her more. Or how about a water pistol?
No wait, that's cats, right?
Bet you're tempted though, I would be after being woken 5 ti
es a night!

Morloth · 06/06/2011 09:11

You are way more patient than me, from about 4 if DS1 didn't have a really good reason he got 'Go back to bed!' barked at him.

YANBU though, this is as much his problem as yours.

koekje · 06/06/2011 09:29

I really like the star chart idea, worked really well for DD (admittedly younger at 3) but still v. effective for loads of things.

And I would definitely be a bit firmer with her if there's nothing actually wrong with her that she needs you for.

Good luck!

Dozer · 06/06/2011 09:35

Of course dp should do his share of night stuff, yanbu, but yabu for letting him get away with not doing so for so long.

Original poster

Foxy800 · 06/06/2011 13:25

Thanks for the replies. I dont intend to fall out with dp over it and like oyu say I am awake either way which is why I do end up getting up, but we do have ot seing her a song so I think I will just have to be even firmer as am firm and tell her to go back to bed and take her there but think I will just have ot start saying no song and just leave. Was doing this last night. DOnt mind it at bedtime when she goes off very easily.

Ps like the idea of weekend away but dp works weekends!!!

Again thanks for all the replies and will give the chart ago.

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glassofwhiteanybody · 06/06/2011 13:39

I agree with the others who said that this isn't your job that your DP is helping with (or not!). It is a joint responsibility. If he is genuinely such a deep sleeper that he sleeps through it, I agree it may be a bit pointless to wake him up specially to deal with her in the middle of the night. Perhaps he could compensate by doing more during the day if you've been up in the night. However, my DH used to sleep soundly through children waking, but eventually he did admit that sometimes he was actually half awake but knew he didn't have to do anything because I would get up. Your DP may be the same. Let's face it, most of us will be a bit lazy if we think we can get away with it!

There was a good post on here the other day about housework and they sat down and talked it through and came up with some compromises that the OP was very happy about

Allinabinbag · 06/06/2011 13:46

Wow, I would not be singing songs 6 times a night to a five year old! You are just reinforcing that she needs you to sing to go to sleep. One solution might be to get a 'singing star' off the internet which the child can put on themselves for reassurance (my five year old has a Dora the Explorer torch which doesn't make a noise but is reassuring). Then go all out for the star chart, one star for every night she doens't come into your room, and go absolutely crazy with excitement and praise if she manages it.

SN or not, singing all night is likely to make you all feel terrible, no-one is getting enough sleep, I think I'd go all out for sorting this and being firm rather than encourage your husband to play along (and him not getting up will actually help this!)

Original poster

Foxy800 · 06/06/2011 14:26

Again thank you for the replies. She has the radio on all night so the song is not to send her to sleep as she is still awake when I leave her so I think I will just talk ot her tonight after school and explain she will get her two songs at bedtime and we will do a chart together. If she doesnt get up more than twice to begin with she can colour a square and have a treat after five nights to begin with then extend to one a night and over 7 nights. She also has a night light on as she doesnt like the dark, We have taken the stairgate away and are trying to encourage her to go on her own the ntake herself back to bed.

But I do agree we need to break the habit rather than change dp. Just needed to vent this morning I think.

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