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Original poster

I'm in love with DH's best friend.

634 replies

Feronia · 04/06/2011 20:54

DH and I have been married for six years, together for ten. We have a one year old daughter and a very comfortable life.

Ten months ago DH's best friend from school and uni came to stay with us for a few weeks while the sale of his house went through. (had sold his Scottish house and moving to London.) it was the start of loads of arguments for DH and I because I wasn't happy about having a virtual stranger (to me) in the house when I had a new baby.

It was awkward at first, with breastfeeding, looking a state etc, but with DH at work, it became really lovely to have X around. I found myself making sure I put make up on and tried to dress up. X would come with me to baby clinic, for walks in the park, shopping.

He ended up staying about 9 weeks. When he moved out I felt such a sense of loss, it was like someone had died. I'd cry all the time and just be awful to DH, and I'm sure my family think I had some sort of late postnatal depression.

After three weeks of not seeing him I texted him and suggested a coffee, joking my DD was missing him. He seemed to jump at the chance and we met that day. And many days since. I can't get enough of him and I think he feels the same. When my DH was away for a night last week, X came over in the evening and after some wine he kissed me and I've never been so happy. He wanted to stay but I made him leave. Which I sort of regret.

Im completely in love with him. If I don't see him for a day it's like my heart will break.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Goodynuff · 04/06/2011 23:46

This feeling of uncertainty is your gut telling you,
"Stop! Look, he has a blue beard"

Original poster
Feronia · 04/06/2011 23:46

Squeakytoy - that's a good idea but don't you think it will just confuse him and make him text me again? Don't you think it's better to ignore him?

OP posts:
SunshineisSorry · 04/06/2011 23:46

what? that your lover tells your DH the way you have been behaving for the past few months? yep, i'd be worried too. Im with lyingwitch - how dare he push your bloody pram for you - it actually makes me feel slightly nauseous. Hes trying to get into your knickers and you are enjoying the thrill of it - well, bottle it and move on because once hes fucked you, you wont see him for dust, its so predictable its boring. I do feel sorry for you but i feel more sorry for your DD. I had terrible terrible PND when i had DD, but she was still the centre of my universe, but the cenrtre of yours is some sleezebag who thinks its morally acceptable to move in on his supposed best friends wife. the mind boggles

mathanxiety · 04/06/2011 23:46

Have yourself assessed for pnd.

Take a deep breath and resolve to take things no further with this man. He is using you. Your marriage may or may not be good for you, and it may or may not survive based on other things you have mentioned but this man doesn't sound like a keeper and he is not worth throwing away your DD's life, your DH's life, or the life you have now for.

Then when you've got over things a bit, take up the issues with your DH that you mentioned (in counselling perhaps) -- the arguments you had for the last year, especially whatever has come up about 'your moods'.

fruitpastille · 04/06/2011 23:47

Delete the text, then delete his number and make sure you are out somewhere else at lunchtime! Maybe you can't totally avoid him but you can certainly avoid being alone with him - unless you want to ruin your life...

penguin73 · 04/06/2011 23:48

Send him the text now saying you cannot meet tomorrow, send on to your DH telling him you love him then give your daughter a massive hug and go to bed. Text X tomorrow saying you don't want to have any more contact and focus on building a happier future with your husband. It is not impossible to stop seeing someone regardless of how close they are to your husband, you just have to want to do it and that is the only thing stopping you here. The truth is if anything happens your DH will find out and will be destroyed as he loses his family and his best friend, your daughter's life will be turned upside down and you will be left very lonely and with a hell of a lot more to cope with than just feeling a bit upset and confused because another man is doing the dirty on his best friend. Imagine how you would feel if DH walked in tonight, said that he knew what had been going on and was leaving...because that will be the reality you will have to face soon unless you end this now.

squeakytoy · 04/06/2011 23:48

Well just add "and dont text me again" to the end of the message. He isnt stupid, he will understand that surely.

Morloth · 04/06/2011 23:50

How dumb are you? This guy is a prick of the highest order, he is out with his best mate and ie texting his wife at the same time?

If he will do it with you, he will do it to you.

Grow up, it isn't about you anymore there is no space for Greek tragedies when you have a kid.

You should tell your DH what his 'mate' is doing, then he can make a decision about whether he wants either of you anywhere near him.

I repeat grow up.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/06/2011 23:51

OP... If your best friend had written your post, with your circumstances, what would be your advice to her?

You're being played, and if you're not enjoying the drama, X certainly is. He's a louse. He's out with your DH and texting you... and you seem to have your phone nearby too, whether or not you reply, you're feeding off his texts.

You might not think you're hooked on the drama but I think you are. It's all too easy when you're got responsibilities and your partner isn't as attentive as they could be - and neither are you - that's the price you pay for making a life with someone, it's not all roses and moonbeams, but it's real and your DH stands by you... where are you standing?

Please think about what you're doing before it's too late and you have no more choices. If you decide to go for it, fair enough, but don't get dragged along and face a lifetime of regrets for mucking up your relationship with DH. He hasn't even said he loves you... and you're making this 'affair' into a big romance. I feel very sorry for you, and for DH and DD. :(

Original poster
Feronia · 04/06/2011 23:51

Sunshine - My baby is the centre of my world. Please don't stoop so low to suggest she's not. I've been with her every second since she was born and I love her more than anything else in this world. Don't be so cruel.

OP posts:
SunshineisSorry · 04/06/2011 23:54

Well then, you have answered your own dillema, if this little girl is the centre of your universe - drop the sleazebag, its a no brainer.

fit2drop · 04/06/2011 23:54

then if you love her more than anything in the world , do whats best for her and tell nobtard to fuck off and then you treat her daddy with the loyalty he deserves

menagerie · 04/06/2011 23:55

Imagine it had happened to you. You invite your closest friend to stay because she's temporarily homeless. you offer her a home. She stays for two months and makes a move n your husband. What sort of person is she? She goes out with you during the day and secretly texts your husband. Still like and respect and admire her?

My hunch is that your affair is nothing more than a biological reaction to having a baby. You and your DP are now responsible for putting someone else first 24/7, your DD is the centre of your world, which means there's a gap where you used to be the centre of someone's world and you think this using, cheating, manipulative bloke will fulfil it...?

Weloveguineapigs · 04/06/2011 23:56

You are not going to stop this, that much is clear.

Let me warn you though, you are going to regret this. In the future you are going to look at your dd and you will hate yourself for having missed out on her first few months, which you are doing right now without even realising it, obsessing about some horrible, sleazy bloke who is getting a kick out of trying it on with his best mates wife. Whoever you end up with and I can tell you know it won't be X you will never get this time back with your dd.

This is a nasty, grubby way to be spending your dd's first year, can you not see that?

cantspel · 04/06/2011 23:57

i doubt she was with you or the centre of your world on the night your would be lover had his tongue down your throat and was trying to get into your knickers.

Original poster
Feronia · 04/06/2011 23:58

Lyingwitch - I have my phone because I'm mumsnetting on it now in my DD's room. I really wasn't waiting for him to contact me, he never has before when he has been with DH. I think that because DH and I argued about going out before he left that he's mentioned me, and that is why X has text.

I do find it hard to leave my daughter though. Not going tonight was not just about X. DH struggles to understand why I would rather just get a pizza and stay home.

OP posts:
ScrotalPantomime · 04/06/2011 23:58

You know in a few years when this has all blown over (whether or not you are with DH or X or a single mum) - you will try to look back on your DD's first year and you won't be able to as it'll be too painful. That's not right.

Grow up. This isn't high school or a soap opera, this is real life. I can't totally judge - I had an affair, when DH (we weren't married then) and I were having a rough time, I was young and immature and suddenly at college meeting guys who wanted me.

But you have a BABY. You need to be her mother and FFS by moping about for this man you are almost certainly not putting enough time and effort and love into that.

Sleepyspaniel · 04/06/2011 23:58

It's just a real shame that this isn't a teenage love triangle, because then you would see how these affairs never work out happily and when you did get a great DH, a DD and a home life you would go all out to protect it.

Unfortunately you haven't got this infatuation crap out of your system at a more appropriate time in the past and now it is interfering with your REAL, ADULT life. What you are possibly about to do is going to blow you apart 1000x over but you can't see it. You will potentially spend YEARS regretting having anything to do with the BF.

You will be hankering after your (future ex) DH like you are hankering after the BF now. I think you think you will always have your DH to fall back on but you really don't know that. Most guys do not get back together with the woman who cheated on them even if she was the love of his life and is the mother of his child. Most guys will move on and find someone else who they can trust and the option of being with them is gone forever.

There is NO ROOM for texts or phone calls or meetings going on between you and the BF AT ALL. This has grown legs and run. Get it under control.

I predict you could be reading this thread back in a years time and wish to hell that from this very night onwards you had deleted the BF's number and refused to text or call him again. It really is that simple.

Original poster
Feronia · 04/06/2011 23:59

Cantspel - I was in my house. She was in her room. She is the centre of my world. I sent him home.

OP posts:
SunshineisSorry · 05/06/2011 00:00

I will say this in the OPs defense, because soemthing is being missed here: Her DH isnt at home with her is he, hes out on the town with his mate and tomorrow he is at golf. That is actualy a bit shit if you ask me, especially as he works long hours anyway. Your DH actually needs to start acting like a parent too to be fair.

squeakytoy · 05/06/2011 00:01

If she was the centre of your world, you wouldnt be screwing your husbands best mate.

squeakytoy · 05/06/2011 00:01

Sunshine, you missed the Ops post about everything her husband does for her, her child and her family then?

zippy539 · 05/06/2011 00:03

Sorry OP - that's what you're telling us you're going to do but your posts are saying something different.

I'm not taking a moral high-ground here - for what it's worth I'm all in favour of people leaving duff relationships . I'm just not in favour of an emotionally vulnerable person chucking everything in for a knobber.

If you are unhappy with your life then please do look for changes - just don't make them with this 'man'.

Original poster
Feronia · 05/06/2011 00:03

Squeakytoy - I am not screwing him. At all.

And also, I wrote that post because people asked me to write some reasons why my DH is great...

OP posts:
cantspel · 05/06/2011 00:04

You should never have let it get to the stage where you need to send him home.

If she truely is the centre of your world then tell the creep to fuck off trying to destroy your marriage and family and if he doesn't back off tell your oh what a sleazeball his so called best mate is.

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