I'm in love with DH's best friend.

[Feronia]

DH and I have been married for six years, together for ten. We have a one year old daughter and a very comfortable life.

Ten months ago DH's best friend from school and uni came to stay with us for a few weeks while the sale of his house went through. (had sold his Scottish house and moving to London.) it was the start of loads of arguments for DH and I because I wasn't happy about having a virtual stranger (to me) in the house when I had a new baby.

It was awkward at first, with breastfeeding, looking a state etc, but with DH at work, it became really lovely to have X around. I found myself making sure I put make up on and tried to dress up. X would come with me to baby clinic, for walks in the park, shopping.

He ended up staying about 9 weeks. When he moved out I felt such a sense of loss, it was like someone had died. I'd cry all the time and just be awful to DH, and I'm sure my family think I had some sort of late postnatal depression.

After three weeks of not seeing him I texted him and suggested a coffee, joking my DD was missing him. He seemed to jump at the chance and we met that day. And many days since. I can't get enough of him and I think he feels the same. When my DH was away for a night last week, X came over in the evening and after some wine he kissed me and I've never been so happy. He wanted to stay but I made him leave. Which I sort of regret.

Im completely in love with him. If I don't see him for a day it's like my heart will break.

I don't know what to do.

nobbysnippers - it would be no more than the curr deserves - I have a mental image now of High grant and colin firth brawling in the fountain, but i daresay life isnt that romantic

Hugh grant even

OP I have lurked on this thread and read it through and I can see why you have had a flaming but at the same time do feel sorry for you.

I think you need to separate the two issues and not let one lead the outcome of the other:

1. how you feel about your DH and working on rebuilding your marriage if that is what you want

2. your feelings for X

I am inclined to agree with other posters that X doesn't sound a very good prospect and that he is just using you and not being a good friend to your DH, and that you have hormones and are coming to terms with the massive life changing event have a DC is and the impact this has on self esteem and confidence etc. It sounds as though your DH is also getting to grips with this and hasn't totally closed the door on his life pre DD yet.

I think you need to cut your ties with X for now, and decide how you feel about your DH without any of these confusions, you owe it to your DD to try to salvage your marriage and make it work, and then pending that outcome you could then consider whether you have any future with X, but my feeling is he won't have waited around to find out....

Good luck OP.

I posted the above without having read your most recent post that you have spoken to DH, well done it sounds as though you are making the effort to move everything in the right direction, I hope it all works out for you.

xx

see what i would do (il get flamed for this). dont do anything with him but spice your sex life with your dp up by thinking about him during sex instead!

Ooh but knitted surely that would be ok if X was just some random hunk you'd seen somewhere, but OP has attached emotions to him already. So wouldn't what you suggest just make it worse?

Yes I agree she should spice things up with H but should think about anyone rather than x....

Not flaming you BTW, just saying

knitted, yeah, that'l work until one day in the throws of passion the OP calls out X's name!! OP try spicing up your sex life with DH witouth thinking about his lame nobtard friend, thats the better option.

nobbysnippers So you basically just laid blame with your husband?

It didn't sound that way to me, she was just telling him how it is.

I agree that this is a vulnerable time in your life. The first couple years after having a new baby are very difficult and I had a few crushes during that time and can imagine how easy it would have been for me to have done the same thing as you during that time especially if the other man was right there in your house!

I think you should back off for a long while and focus on doing all the baby stuff with your child and get as absorbed as you can in that world and tell yourself you will reevaluate things including your feelings for this man and your husband once a good few months have passed.

Lust is so seductive! Beware!

Feronia reading between the lines it sounds as though your marriage is picture-perfect but currently a bit lonely - your DH works all the time so you can have a comfortable life, but isn't actually around very much. You're reeling with the shock of your life completely changing with a new baby, along comes Mr Charming who is there when your DH isn't and makes you feel a million dollars. It's all very well saying you're spoiled, self-involved, princessy etc but I say no wonder you're feeling a bit vulnerable.

It sounds as though you've changed a lot since you had a baby. I get the impression you and DH previously had a pretty glitzy life out and about pre-baby going to shows, dinners out, impromptu trips away, all that. But you mention that you don't really want to do that these days, feel anxious if you're separated from DD, and would rather stay in quietly.

You also mention that when your DH isn't out partying like you both did pre-baby, or golfing, or whatever, he likes to surround you both with people. It does seem as though you, DH and DD don't spend much time together just the three of you. Is that what you feel is missing - a bit of quiet family life, adjusting to being three rather than two? If so no wonder Mr Sleaze seems appealing when he slots himself into that gap.

I'm as appalled as everyone else here that someone could repay the hospitality extended by his best friend of 25 years by moving in on said friend's wife - and being so devoid of conscience as to continue applying pressure while out with the friend he's betraying. And it sounds as though you've arrived at the brink of letting everything implode. But equally as everyone else has pointed out, you have a choice - and so far it sounds as though you've chosen to try and step back from the abyss.

I wish you well and hope it works out. I do wonder about the constant arguing you've described. You haven't expanded much about that - what do you argue about? Is there a pattern? Is this a new development since the baby was born? You say you adore your DH and he treats you well, but it does sound as though there are some tricky dynamics in your relationship, and that Mr Sleaze has wormed himself in via those weak points.

This crisis may still be a positive opportunity to change patterns in your marriage that are causing difficulties, Mr Sleaze or no Mr Sleaze. For all your sakes (except Mr Sleaze, he just needs to be GONE) I hope you and your DH come out of it with a stronger relationship.

Feronia - I'm glad you've spoken with your DH and hope things will get better from here on in. As other posters have said, life with a small child is really hard - virtually every couple find themselves going through difficult times and in my experience, talking things through as issues arise (rather than letting them fester and get out of hand) is the best way to get through those times - and to ensure you come out of it as a stronger couple too. The first year after having a child is often a make or break stage for couples

Well done Feronia - it must have been a horrid thing to do, but now your DH understands how you are feeling.

Good luck with what's going to happen next because you can be damn sure that X is going to spin your hubby a bit of a yarn.

Hi everyone,

I told DH about my feelings, and said I was feeling so confused. I said that having X step in and be with me during those early months was great, but that I felt like it should have been friends / DH / mum and baby groups rather than him.

I said I wanted things to change, maybe move nearer to my family, but he doesn't want to leave Chelsea, I said I was prepared to reign things in, make our outgoings less so as he isn't working so much, he said it isn't about money but about building his company.

He left angrily saying he was going to see X, I've had so many missed calls from X in the past hour so he must've spoken to him by now.

DH has left me a voicemail (I ignored the phone as I thought it was x again) saying he's booked to take DD and I to Disneyland Paris at the weekend to try to 'cheer me up' and spend some time with our daughter. There was no mention of X in the voicemail, and I haven't rung him back yet.

He just sounded angry and down though.

I'm not sure what to do now.... And DD refusing to sleep or eat all morning is making me frazzled...

Well whatever has been said between him and x, H is clearly going to try and make it work with you.

See it as a lucky escape.

BTW - as for what to do. Tell DH you will do whatever it takes to get your relationship back on track and that you want him to do the same. Then do it.

Cut X from your lives. And live happily ever after

I'm not surprised he's angry, he's probably remembering all the times he worked late and left you alone with X and now sees what has been going on. Having said that, he is partially to blame for this situation developing, for landing X on you (and perhaps being relieved that someone was around for you, just not in the way it turned out), and for being a workaholic (even though he may well be doing that 'for you both').

Perhaps getting away is not a bad idea, at least X can't pop by or text, and you can start talking. But I wouldn't expect it to be all solved by one trip to Disneyland (!) and it may be that there are a few rocky months ahead while you all try to reajust as a family.

I once read that the first year after having a baby is the most common time for couples to split up. I'm sure that's true, what with the sleep-deprivation, adjustment of new roles, but you are doing absolutely the right thing by focusing on your marriage.

Well done for taking the first step and having a much-needed conversation.

You wrote:

' I told DH about my feelings, and said I was feeling so confused. I said that having X step in and be with me during those early months was great, but that I felt like it should have been friends / DH / mum and baby groups rather than him. '

It doesn't sound as if you spoke clearly and truthfully about your feelings for X, and how far things have developed between you. romantically.....or about the kiss.

Have I got that right?

All through you thread it sounds like your H and you don't communicate very well/very much at all. When he does finally get home from work in the evenings, what do you do? Does he go off and do his own thing or do you both just sit in front of the tv?

It is sooooo important to regularly talk together, doesn't have to be about life changing things, just about what you've both been doing that day; anything you're worried about, anything you want to plan, etc...'

DH and I always sit down at the table together to eat our evening meal, without tv in the backround, etc, and use that time to catch up. And apart from switching on the tv is there is a series we're following, it's kept off and we sit down together with a drink and talk talk talk. It's such a habit now that if we're really busy and doing other things we both really miss the time together.

I'd definitely continue to ignore X's calls. Nothing at all positive could be gained by being drawn into a discussion with him now. You've done the right thing by talking to your dh. Now ring some friends, look into local baby groups, make arrangements to go out & be as busy as possible this week to be away from the house and to keep your mind off things.
I agree with the other poster who described this as a 'lucky escape'; in time you'll come to realise this, too. Take care.

I find it strange that everytime you and your DH have a talk he then goes off to see X. Is he asking Xs advice about you? You need to be careful that X isn't putting the boot in.

Ferovia - keep talking with your DH. Try to get him to understand that its him that you want to spend time with - not necessarily in Disney land or doing things - just chilling and spending time being him and you. A trip to Disneyland wont be a cure all - talking and getting to understand each other and what each other needs will hopefully help though.

Earlybird - I was really honest about how I think I'm feeling about X, and said we'd been seeing a lot of each other but didn't tell him about the kiss. I wanted to but he was already so angry I couldn't bring myself to.

Moomoofarm - we used to spend loads of time together out but since my daughter was born I've not wanted to so we're not together very much. Even when I was heavily pregnant I would go out in the evenings with him, I'm not sure he really imagined anything would change. He wanted to (and enquired) about a nanny, we had one for a week but it was useless as I was there all the time and couldn't watch her doing anything for my baby. I got rid of her but had to pay her for a month. DH was sure i'd go back to work after a few months and that life would be normal again, but I couldn't face it at the time.

I'm not sure Disneyland is going to really do much for my daughter, she's a bit young I think. But I'll try.