I'm in love with DH's best friend.

[Feronia]

DH and I have been married for six years, together for ten. We have a one year old daughter and a very comfortable life.

Ten months ago DH's best friend from school and uni came to stay with us for a few weeks while the sale of his house went through. (had sold his Scottish house and moving to London.) it was the start of loads of arguments for DH and I because I wasn't happy about having a virtual stranger (to me) in the house when I had a new baby.

It was awkward at first, with breastfeeding, looking a state etc, but with DH at work, it became really lovely to have X around. I found myself making sure I put make up on and tried to dress up. X would come with me to baby clinic, for walks in the park, shopping.

He ended up staying about 9 weeks. When he moved out I felt such a sense of loss, it was like someone had died. I'd cry all the time and just be awful to DH, and I'm sure my family think I had some sort of late postnatal depression.

After three weeks of not seeing him I texted him and suggested a coffee, joking my DD was missing him. He seemed to jump at the chance and we met that day. And many days since. I can't get enough of him and I think he feels the same. When my DH was away for a night last week, X came over in the evening and after some wine he kissed me and I've never been so happy. He wanted to stay but I made him leave. Which I sort of regret.

Im completely in love with him. If I don't see him for a day it's like my heart will break.

I don't know what to do.

i think the only way to fix this mess is with total and utter honesty.

harsh though some of the replies have been, i wish i had had such straight talking when i was in a similar position.

when youre feeling vulnerable it is easy to have your head turned by someone offering you what you think you want.

it was only when i realised what i stood to lose that i wised up, told my DH everything and went to counselling.
this was 17 years ago after a particularly difficult time in our lives, we almost lost our son to illness and i lived apart from dh in hospital for 2 months with our son. not an excuse, but a reason.

the only way to fix this is to be honest with your DH. secrets will fester and it wont get better on its own.
IF you want to make a go of it with your DH then you have to get this other man out of your lives, and you have to tell your DH that he is showing an interest in you and thats why you dont want him around.

you will find out what sort of a man your dh is.
i found out mine was worth his weight in gold. faults, yes, but he accepted his part in our difficulties and fought tooth and nail to hang on to his family. I think it was only then that i realised how much he loved me, and how much i loved him.
dont throw it all away for nothing but a bit of passing attention.
i want you to listen before something goes wrong that you cannot fix.

Just checking in - hope you're okay Feronia and are getting things sorted.

Takeitonthechins, that suggestion of yours is a very interesting one.

(The mate was a stranger to the OP when he descended upon her and her DH right after the traumatic birth. Apparently she had never met him.)

OP, how close were your H and this man in university? (IYKWIM) It was evidently an important enough relationship that he was prepared to overrule his wife about the 2 month visit at a time when he should have been bending over backwards to make her life easier (and not by carrying shopping) and trying to ensure that his own DD got off to the nest possible start with breastfeeding. What he did in going ahead with the invitation to the friend was moronic.

I feel for you OP, you have taken a roasting here, please give us an update..................

wife getting it on with her dh best pal
well, that usually gets vigorous response or a so called pasting
really,unlikely anyone would say och poor you.what a dilemma darling

It does not matter how much people try and pretty it up OP has to take responsibility for her thoughts and actions.
Her husband is not responsible for this.
He is responsible for his marriage , He is not responsible for his wife's shenanigans. Even if he was a bastard (which by OP description , he clearly isnt) and she had an affair it would still not be his fault, it would be her choice.
Any one in a marriage that they dont want to be in should walk away , falling "in love" with someone else whilst you are in love with someone is not or should not even be an option that you think of.
This X has not magically tricked her or put a spell on her .He is a player, she has allowed herself to be charmed by him. If she was not married and he had charmed her ....Maybe she deserves some sympathy, but she is married therefore this should have been trodden on the moment it got cosy, when he started saying how much time he spent with her dd opposed to her husband. She should have defended her hubby. When he offered to walk to the park with her , she should have said No , its fine , or thank you , you take the baby for a walk and I will take advantage and have some me time. He would not have offered again because it was her he was trying to get close to. She has allowed this scenario to build up into what she herself calls a Greek tragedy
She needs to take responsibility instead of acting like her husband is the pea under her princess mattresses

I feel for you , this man has come into your life at a very vulnerable time and because you have bonded with him and your dh is not there as much it is understandable to think you might have feelings for him but think of it this way if he were decent person he would not want to get involved with his best friends wife who is also the mother of his baby .

You need to cut contact with him and spend time with amfriend or family
member and get your thoughts together . How would you feel if the situation were reversed? And your dh fell in love with your best friend ? Your body and mind have been through a lot first having had a babythen not having your dh around as much as you need and along has come a man who has made you feel better and gave you the support you need . Have a date night with your dh and have a lovely time , tell him you need himore and you are going through a rough time emotionally .I'm sure he will want to help you might look back in a year and feel so glad you didn't ruin your marriage.

Good luck with everything .

I read this thread last night, although was just going to bed, so didn't post. I'm afraid I agree with most of the posters- this thing with X is unlikely to work, and, harsh though some of the replies seemed to be, I do believe they were given with the OPs best interests at heart. There is no delicate way to try to tell her just how close she is to getting embroilled in a huge mess, the aftershocks of which could be devastating, especially when she does seem to be a bit vulnerable.

One thing that struck me was the actions of X. OP, is there a history of competition between DH and him? Has he been jealous of your DH in the past? Just, to me, it sounds like your DH has it all- good job, nice house, money, a alovely wife and a new baby, while X has nothing. Could it be that he subconciously wants to spoil what your DH has, or make himself feel better that he doesn't have all this?

The reason I think this is, if he was a good friend to your DH, he would have been horrified at his feelings towards you and moved out before he could act on them- that's what most people would do, I think. Years ago, my best friend "stole" my much-loved boyfriend, it started behind my back, and was no doubt an exciting affair. My friend has always been quite competitive with me, and she was not happy to come home from travelling to find me with a boyfriend- in fact she was so horrible to him at first that he hated her,as she perpetuated to hate him. I was always trying to be peacemaker, so bit of a kick in the teeth to find he was leaving me for her!! Thing was, I soon decided that I wasn't going to give him (or her) the satisfaction of knowing it had upset me to the point of destroying our friendship, so I contacted her, forgave her, gave them my blessing. Funnily enough, his attraction totally waned for her after that, and he spent the next couple of years crying on my shoulder at parties, telling me that she was cheating on (she was) and treating him like shit (she was). She never really loved him, I think- it was just a way of getting one over on me, although I'm sure she didn't actually realise that at the time. I'm worried X could be similar, and once the competition is "won", he will quickly lose interest in you and your dd. That is what posters here are trying to protect you from, because it is a real possibility that you could find yourself properly alone, with friends and family alike not speaking to you because of your actions.

Please go really carefully

I have been reading this and have lurked.

IMO, the OP's husband was unfair to bring a stranger into their home during the early times of being a mum. It is as well all know a difficult time for many if not all of us. Yet regardless of this he went ahead with the plans. The OP made her thoughts on him moving in very clear to her H, yet again he didn't listen and he carried on with his plans.

Throw into it that the OP ended up back in hospital due to illness when her DD was very young - this explains (imo) why she doesn't like to leave her DD. I know that being seperated from DS2 for the first 5 days of his life while he was in SCBU and I was in the maternity ward made me feel the same for a long time.

However, This is probably where I will go against the grain slightly.

Whilst I am not in agreeance with what the OP is going through her H is also partly guilty in this.

Many posters are harping on about how lucky she is to have someone who treats her like a princess right down to not letting her carry a bag. But at the same time his spare time is taken up with other things in this instance drinking and playing golf as opposed to being home with his wife and daughter. Its easy to see why when lavished with attention she has fallen in love - HOWEVER, it is plain to see that it is not the Man she has fallen in love with but the attention, care, and companionship.

Of course given these conditions she will defend him because right now he is the one who has given her her self confidence back - which is apparent from the way she said
"I found myself making sure I put make up on and tried to dress up."

This is where her husband should have stepped in and made sure he gave her a compliment regardless of how small it may be. I am not blaming him solely I am also blaming his mate.

Its as if he has been brought in to the home to be a babysitter for the OP someone who will be there to make sure everything is running smoothly. When the OP had baby clinic etc her Husband should have been the one to attend with her not his friend, and if his friend was/still is out of work and he owns his own business then why does he not employ him rather than leave a vunerable (emotionally) woman in his company. Because for the life of me I cannot believe the OP's H has no idea of the fact his so called friend is a ladies man, Now in most circumstances women see this for what it is - a chancer taking a chance. But when we are vunerable we lap up the care and attention like a cat with cream.

I have to be honest IMO the OP's main crime here is to have been pulled in by a chancer because she was vunerable. She has not slept with him but has fallen for the attention he has given her - and when the chips are down then we could all be guilty of this.

OP, I hope you get this sorted - I did, although my circumstances were different.

I agree, TLE, and I also think there may be something to Jooly's thoughts on X. The DH here has left the door open. Not that the OP should have thought about walking through it, nor the friend either, but the two of them (OP and DH) have plenty to talk about at counselling and they would even if there wasn't a 'friend' involved.

Great posts from TheLady and Jooly.

I agree animation. I hope you are still reading op. I understand that you just don't want to believe this man is a shit because if you do then it casts doubt on everything he has told you. You want to believe everything he has said and if you agree with the vast majority of posters here the bubble will well and truly burst.

Thus won't end well for any of you if you continue. You have to give yourself a bit if tough love and try and see this man for what he is. A player who had exploited a vulnerable woman and is prepared to betray his so called best friend. Can you see a future with someone like that?

Oh darling.

I'm glad I learned this lesson very young. I had a lovely boyfriend when I was 19 and broke up with him because I thought I was mad in love with someone else. It lasted about two weeks. The other guy wasn't that great, and we didn't have all that much in common.

When you're in the lust haze it all seems great. The other person is perfect because he is a fantasy at this point.

Honestly I would try to cut him out of your life. I wish you the best of luck, and congratulations on your new DD.

Very kind, thoughtful posts TLE and Jooly.

Feronia, hope you are ok, and a bit more at peace this morning, it's the start of a new week, hopefully the sun is shining, make this the day and week that you get your life back on track.

Hi everyone,

Thanks for some brilliant advice, I can't believe that so many people would care!

I'll post properly later, but yesterday I felt completely at the end of my rope. I went to Surrey and left my daughter with my parents and went home. I told DH I needed to talk and after a bit of an argument he sent X home. X didn't try to talk to me, he left quite willingly.

I told DH how hard it's been for me while he's been working so much, and that I've been spending a huge amount of time with X. I said it's like he is DD''s father... And it's easy to see him that way sometimes.

It turned into an argument and DH would barely listen. It took all day, and I slept in a spare room (my parents brought DD back)

This morning he seemed different though, and left to go and speak to X. :s

Beesimo said on another thread, and I thought it was a brilliant saying so I'm going to nick it and use it here

"The grass is only greener on the other side because it's fertilized with bullshit"

(Hope I've got that right Beesimo)

He's a player, he's only feeding you a line. Talk talk talk and talk to your DH.

Dandylioness - I didn't put it quite like that - I'm trying to condense because I can only be on the computer for a couple of minutes...

I think you were right to tell him that as it's honest and gives as idea of the seriousness of the situation.

Feronia, hope you are okay. Here's what I think: X is morally bankrupt, but I think you know this. You need to get rid. DH is one of two things. Either very naive and needs to wake up and realise his bf is an arse and his wife is unhappy. Or, more worryingly, he has so little respect for you that he doesn't really give a shit as long as he can chuck money at you in return for your general compiance and a good time out with his good time friend.

Either way, the most concerning thing is you don't seem to respect yourself that much and that's the thing I think you need to address above all else. Find something to focus on that will improve you. It doesn't have to be toddler groups. Read books, start running, take DD to a festival on your own, do a course, take up dancing, part-time work, whatever floats your boat.

Start carrying your own shopping and be a positive role model to DD. Your happiness should not depend upon DH or X. It sounds as if you are devoted to DD, build on that strength. X will soon seem irrelevant and you will cringe at thought that you wanted him so much. Your life with DH should improve as a result too. If it doesn't, then you will be in a better position emotionally to deal with that as a separate issue. All the best.

So you basically just laid blame with your husband? Maybe you could have approached it a better way.

Well that father comment is a big fucking hint to your DH. Which he obviously hasn't taken if he's gone off to talk to X right away.

Unless he's gone to beat the crap out of him.

Feronia hope you're ok today. I'm wondering what was said prior to H deciding to go and talk to X, rather than sitting down and sorting it out with you (which is much more important).

Does H know everything now? Ie about the kiss etc? Or did you just say you're getting emotionally close to him? I'm just thinking in your position I would be very worried about what X may say to him when pushed. Does H suspect something and has gone to have it out with him? Because surely if anything is going to come out, it's better it comes from you....

I think the way forward for you both is to stop giving X such a prime role in your relationship - basically you need to both try and start again with the stance that your marriage is nothing to do with X and is just for the two of you to discuss and deal with. Cut X out of the discussion completely - it's not his place to have a part in sorting this all out. He doesn't want to help things anyway, clearly, so cut him out of it and concentrate on your H - as he should do with you.

X is not the problem in your marriage - he is just a symptom of the two of you drifting apart. So forget him (ie both of you I mean) and concentrate on building up unity and strength in your marriage again.

Feronia i was Sunshineissorry the other day but ive namechanged, now i know i gave you a really hard time the other day but its good that you have spoken to your DH. Thing is, whilst i understand your approach and sort of understand why you dont want your DH to know about the kiss, you probably should have told him - get in first before X does! But i just dont understand why you want to protect your DH and X's friendship, your DH deserves better friends. Anyway, good for you to talking to him - try not to put blame on him for how things are, its not about who is right or wrong actually as there is right and wrong on both sides, its about how to move on and have your lovely family life that you all deserve. Best of luck, i hope it works out for you