I'm in love with DH's best friend.

[Feronia]

DH and I have been married for six years, together for ten. We have a one year old daughter and a very comfortable life.

Ten months ago DH's best friend from school and uni came to stay with us for a few weeks while the sale of his house went through. (had sold his Scottish house and moving to London.) it was the start of loads of arguments for DH and I because I wasn't happy about having a virtual stranger (to me) in the house when I had a new baby.

It was awkward at first, with breastfeeding, looking a state etc, but with DH at work, it became really lovely to have X around. I found myself making sure I put make up on and tried to dress up. X would come with me to baby clinic, for walks in the park, shopping.

He ended up staying about 9 weeks. When he moved out I felt such a sense of loss, it was like someone had died. I'd cry all the time and just be awful to DH, and I'm sure my family think I had some sort of late postnatal depression.

After three weeks of not seeing him I texted him and suggested a coffee, joking my DD was missing him. He seemed to jump at the chance and we met that day. And many days since. I can't get enough of him and I think he feels the same. When my DH was away for a night last week, X came over in the evening and after some wine he kissed me and I've never been so happy. He wanted to stay but I made him leave. Which I sort of regret.

Im completely in love with him. If I don't see him for a day it's like my heart will break.

I don't know what to do.

There is something deeply deeply wrong if your DH would not cut X out of his life when he knows what this man is trying to do to his family.

OP - i think you should let your DH know whats been happening with X. And then go to counselling together.

But that's if you truly want to make it work with your H. Children dont need beautiful things, sure they are nice but if your DD is going to grow up in a household of arguing and bad feelings with a lonely and withdrawn mother then that is not ideal.

Feronia - Having children always tests relationships. Sometimes it highlights problems that were already there (like workaholism), but often the problems are unforseen - no one knows how they will react to sleep deprivation, for instance. There's also the challenge of PND, and the test of a good marriage is the ability to weather these challenges. The OM being there has just meant that you haven't had to face the changes in your life

This other man has just been there. If your DH had been able to be there then of course you'd have no problems. There's nothing special about this other man, merely the fact he was there when you needed company so you didn't have to go any further to look for it and make a new life for yourself as a SAHM - which is a really hard transition.

It's a real shame that your DH saw fit to introduce him into your home at that time, and that you agreed. That was really thoughtless of him, IMO, as is staying out so late and not contacting you

I think you can get though this if you see this man for what he is - a red herring and actually a total git, and recognising that he took advantage of you. Glad to hear you will not pursue anything with him. It would be a MASSIVE mistake

oh and tell your DH that there will be no bar b que and you will not be home until X has left.....regardless of which way you are going with this.

Agree KidderminsterKate.

Wanted to say - even if there were big, unusual relationship problems (and OP, yours sound really common ones, and sortable to me after the birth of a baby) the minute you have an affair you lose the moral high ground

Well, luckily for me it's started raining!

Maybe there's something to be said for my daughter and what hard work she is. Of course she's amazing but she's never slept through the night, never naps in the day, is a terrible eater and has been really slow to do things - it just worries me constantly.

Feronia, there are strategies you can use to get through those things. Has anybody else raised concerns about how she is developmentally? Your hv or GP?? Have you had yourself checked for PND?

Have you contacted your H at all? Surely he's bound to realise somethings amiss by now.........

I do feel for you and think you need somebody to talk to about all of these issues. Do you think your H could be that person?

Feronia, contrary to what some people are saying, you don't need to make a decision about this right now....just take a deep breath, go home - you don't need to resolve this today. If the other man is there, be polite and pleasant, make sure you arent left alone with him.

Talk to some RL friends if you can, or try to get some counselling (BACP website) - but, dont rush into decisions. I reckon it's for the best if you make it clear, if he contacts you, that you dont want to see or speak to the other man. I dont know him, but the fact that he sent you flirty texts while out with your husband doesnt make him sound like a great man.

We all make mistakes and life can be confusing - no relationship will ever go completely smoothly and many, many people cheat on their partners - though I would think most go on to regret it. You need space and time to think - and to look clearly at your most important relationship - the one with your husband.

good luck - and dont do anything rash x

Well, luckily for me it's started raining! Yes, I should imagine DH has just said to X
'Sorry, it's started raining, so could you please leave and make some other arrangements for lunch' Not.
Phone DH (not text) and ask him to meet you. Alone.

how about telling hubby how conflicting you are fniding have X there - that you find yourself being accidnetally drawn into a family live with X as he has the free time, and that you are worried that you may end up going down a path you don't want to go down.

And that for the sake of your future happiness you feel some distance between your family life and X would be healthy.

Might he understand the message and plea in that, without having to be specific?

wanders in to see if violins are playing yet in this self directed self starring role Greek tragedy

afwiw Every post by Morloth is sensible and wise ,

Feronia only come back once the sympathy brigade came in.
she only wants to listen to what she wants to hear which is probably exactly what she is doing at home too

cue violins and exit stage right :)

Hello feronia, I was posting last night and though I'd see what happened. Sorry you have been given such a hard time.

DH has neglected you a bit. Out until 5am with a wife and baby at home is pretty shoddy. You sound lonely. You also sound like you used to have quite a glizty life with DH (I saw he went to Raffles) and he earns relatively well. I have a lot of empathy. The gear change from professional girl about town to FT mother is immense (TELL ME ABOUT IT!). Perhaps there is a part of you that thinks other mothers don't have a lot in common with you. I used to feel like that too.

Are you in London? If so, you can PM (not sure how I receive them-assume you click my name and it goes to my email? Let me know if you do)me and I will hang out with you and DD, then no need to hang out with X dammit. I am on maternity leave with number 2. I know lots of people have been very mean, it is easy to be all moralistic if you aren't in your shoes.

Take sometime to work things through. Sounds like you have a plan. Sticking with DH. Avoid X. Get DH on his own. Have big talk. It sounds like you want to talk to DH before X decides to say something to him or he finds something out himself. Like you want to put your side of the story first. Hence not wanting to tell X to do one, in case he gets all nose out of joint and tells DH re kiss out of spite. I get it. There might be something in the telling of Dh about your feelings for X. In that if you don't DH won't really listen, particularly since he doesn't seem to be paying you much attention. Only you can judge whether that is a good idea.

After speaking with DH, if X doens't leave you alone, tell him if he has any respect for you and DD he will back off. If he doesn't, you may have to tell DH then.

Consider this from DH's angle, in terms of the work wthic thing, but don't undervalue yourself. The whole 'he deserves to stay out until 5 on the piss and spending the day golfing' stuff is a bit lame. You need some attention too. 1 year olds, lovely though they are, are not necessarily scintillating compamny. Hence why X has been able to make a move.

Hope X sods off soon and you can talk to DH and plan yer next move. Remember-you can always hang with me lol.

xx

fit2drop - what do you think she wanted to hear?

I think she wanted sympathy, but actually no-one has given her the green light to have an affair, or to think this OM is a good prospect. She's already said she's going to speak to her DH

Hope you are ok. X

Call your dh and tell her that his friend has kissed you and were texting you all night yesterday to meet you today for lunch, and that he better be out of the house when you get back as you need to talk to your husband without his friend there.

I think you have been given quite a tough time on this thread, but I think it is because so many posters can see that you are one step away from the edge of the abyss.

We can't reach into your lives and physically stop what might be about to happen, but you can.

This is your turning point. You have done nothing irrevocable. A few simple steps can get you back on the right track. They may be temporarily uncomfortable, but oh so much easier than the alternative.

I am going to spell it out for you.

You are not going to be able to get rid of X without telling your husband.

Sexual attraction is a very powerful force. It skews your judgement, your senses, your perception. I bet that every bit of you right now is in a heightened state of awareness. If you were alone with X right now then it would happen. X is in the same state. He wants you. Every part of him is seeking you and he will be as patient or as devious as it takes to get you.

Yet you are a good person. You have lived a straightforward life and you don't want this to happen - surely it will be enough to say no to him and make him stick to that refusal? Sorry - I don't think it will be enough.

You can send him a message telling him you want nothing more to do with him. He will turn up at your door. He will corner you at a social event. He will kiss you even as your husband is at the door to the room where you are standing.

You manage to get rid of him for two weeks. He will turn up out of the blue in three weeks time.

He will say 'Yes, I will do as you say', then go away for a month and a half until you are missing him. Then when he returns your yearning for him and the easy access he has to your home and social life will mean that his work will be half-done.

The only way out of this situation is to tell your husband that X has made a move on you. Put the blame on him if necessary, but you need for your husband to be sufficiently angry with X to want to get him out of both your lives.

With best wishes.

"You are not going to be able to get rid of X without telling your husband."

I don't agree with this. I'm not sure what good telling her husband would achieve at this stage. I don't see why a simple face-to-face conversation with X wouldn't be enough to put a stop to it so long as you are absolutely clear both with yourself and with him that it's going nowhere. And then that needs to be it, finished, no moony looks across the room or little texts or anything, be cordial and friendly to him around your husband when he's invited over but no more.

I know this is possible as I have done it (though things never got beyond the moony look stage with me) and I know I'm not the only one. It's just a matter of identifying what's really important in your life, and then doing what you can to protect and nurture that. I agree with everyone who says that X sounds like an arsehole, he's not treating your husband or you with any respect.

I think the problem EmmaBemma is that X is a player who is unlikely to take no for an answer. It is quite clear that if the OP tells him to take a hike, she doesn't really want him to (I do sympathise, she knows what she should do and in a year if she gets through this she will be thinking "thank Christ" but at the moment her resolve is weak) and he will probably see that. The kind of man who thinks it is OK to make a move on his friend of 24 years' wife while said friend is putting him up, who texts the wife whilst at the pub with the husband, is a shit of the highest order. The OP has become his little project - he's in this for the conquest.

I agree with BranchingOut completely, the OP needs to tell her husband the truth. Part of this is his fault - he has neglected her, albeit possibly for the best of reasons (provider instinct) or just because he doesn't really know how he fits into the new domestic set up. I seem to remember a thread recently where everyone (everyone except me actually) thought that a MNer had to tell her friend that his girlfriend was cheating on him with another friend of his. Her husband deserves to know what a shitbag this man is.

I dont think your husband wants to stay friends with this man, he has thoroughly betrayed him. (As have you, btw)

At the same time, it is not right to keep this from him.

I see what you're saying Georgimama, and I do partly agree, but the problem with telling her husband is that it puts the responsibility for dealing with the situation at least partly on his shoulders. The rationale being, if she doesn't tell him, X won't give up. But it's unlikely that in all her married life she'll never meet anyone else she's attracted to. She needs to be sure in her own head of where her priorities lie and then stick to them. Telling her husband about his friend (and unleashing the shitstorm that is bound to follow) won't help her with that.

Hope you have had a chat with your H and sorted it all out.

Thing is your H was out with X until 5 in the morning.

Think X will be any different if you dump your H and get together with him when the initial flush has worn off and he is working so not around to romance you and you are just like any other boring couple doing boring RL things?

you have a chance to save your marriage
get shot of the geezer guy pronto.tell dh he made pass at you
invest time and effort in your relationship with dh
a new baby is tumultuous event,and to an extent requires recognition of the emotional and social changes,change of role and tempo

stop mooning around after this fancy man.its probably a daft girly crush
you have responsibility to stop this,and stop making self available emotionally and physically to another man

How has your day been Feronia?

I hope it went as well as it could have and you've been able to spend some time with Dh.

Chin up x

Can I just point out that it is not possible for a guy to kiss you without your connivance? There's always a point at which you can turn your head away, or step back, or push him away. He has to be right in your personal space to do it. Stop pretending that he did it and that you were the innocent victim (as someone else said upthread).