I'm in love with DH's best friend.

[Feronia]

DH and I have been married for six years, together for ten. We have a one year old daughter and a very comfortable life.

Ten months ago DH's best friend from school and uni came to stay with us for a few weeks while the sale of his house went through. (had sold his Scottish house and moving to London.) it was the start of loads of arguments for DH and I because I wasn't happy about having a virtual stranger (to me) in the house when I had a new baby.

It was awkward at first, with breastfeeding, looking a state etc, but with DH at work, it became really lovely to have X around. I found myself making sure I put make up on and tried to dress up. X would come with me to baby clinic, for walks in the park, shopping.

He ended up staying about 9 weeks. When he moved out I felt such a sense of loss, it was like someone had died. I'd cry all the time and just be awful to DH, and I'm sure my family think I had some sort of late postnatal depression.

After three weeks of not seeing him I texted him and suggested a coffee, joking my DD was missing him. He seemed to jump at the chance and we met that day. And many days since. I can't get enough of him and I think he feels the same. When my DH was away for a night last week, X came over in the evening and after some wine he kissed me and I've never been so happy. He wanted to stay but I made him leave. Which I sort of regret.

Im completely in love with him. If I don't see him for a day it's like my heart will break.

I don't know what to do.

Tell you DH it's not acceptable for x to be there. He's needs to not be in your house. If DH asks why just say I don't like him I want family time with you and DD.
Get him out of your house at once!!!!

venomous for telling you to stop behaving like a twat?. Really-please go off and fuck this asswipe.You sound like you deserve each other tbh.

Jeez... Squeaky, not Squawky...

Feronia you need to go home and deal with this. The longer you leave it the more difficult it's going to be. I do feel for you - you didn't set out to have an affair and you stopped things before they escalated, but you need to speak to your husband ASAP. Then X will be out of your life and you and your husband can work on your marriage. If you go to the BBQ and act normal and then later tell your husband about the situation it will be much worse surely. Good luck with whatever you decide to do :)

I'm probably the only person who wil offer this viewpoint but maybe you should be with the other man?

I was in the exact same position as you 10 years ago with my now ex husbands good friend. For 5 years I tried to ignore the OM - deleted his number, ignored texts, went to relate with exDH etc. But when someone is part of your social circle it's pretty impossible to cut them out of your life (unless you "outed" him). My ex was also quite well paid and we had a charmed life but I just couldn't help how I felt about the other man. For 5 years I wrestled with the constant guilt and it quite literally drove me mad (to the point of needing pshyciatric care).

Anyway, 5 years ago I left my husband and started a proper relationship with his friend. We are now married with a beautiful daughter and we are still completely in love with each other. The fallout was pretty bad at the time but now my exDH has remarried and we all accept that things have worked out for the best. ExH is much happier with his new wife than he ever was with me. The kids were young when we split and have adjusted well - at least the no longer have to witness the endless rows.

My only regret is that I didn't leave sooner. I did absolutely no-one any favours by trying to do the "honourable" thing - just prolonged the agony. If I was in your position I'd take a good hard look at your marriage and ask yourself if it really is what you want? If it is then you'll probably have to tell your husband so that you can completely cut his friend out of your life. If it isn't and you don't think it can be resolved you need to do everyone a favour (including yourself) and end it now. Don't do what I did and hope it will all go away...

I find it quite strange that DH wakes to find you not there, and 'text' you. Why didn't he phone and speak to you?

You need to find someone to look after your DD asap. You need to call your husband and say 'I need to talk to you about X, this is very very important, can you meet me here' and you need to tell him.

You do not need to be playing happy families at a BBQ with the man who is trying to wreck your family.

Woman up, you don't have to put up with this guy, he is deliberately trying to insinuate himself into your family so he can tear it apart from the inside. You must know that, how can you not see? What other reason does he have to be around? He doesn't like your DH, that is pretty clear, so his only reason for being there is to get to you.

I've had to read through this whole thread to get to an answer that I definitely think needs considering (but I agree with the general consensus that OP needs to cut X out of her life).

I totally agree with Animation - X has filled a period in her life which is filled with uncertainty, new identity, loss of old identity etc - a period that happens to us all after a child is born. I would definitely suggest that there's a mild case of PND going, since OP knows that she's feeling is wrong, but cannot bring herself to snap herself out of this situation. Her feelings are controlling her, and this along suggests that she's PND.

OP, I hope you're ok. You've received a bashing on this thread and you're undoubtedly feeling bruised. FWIW, I think lots of it was out of order, but the ladies are frustrated that you didn't seem willing for their advice. I think though that their advice was spot on. X isn't the answer to your problems, he's the absolute root and cause of them. Why was your DH out until the early hours so much - have you considered that his 'best'-friend was egging him on to spite you? I think at this point, you know very well that the fall-out to any further actions with X will be catastrophic. It can't happen. Cut this man out of your life - send that text saying what the others have suggested. If he really 'cares' for you (and for his best friend for that matter), he'll walk away feeling thoroughly ashamed of himself. If he doesn't care particularly and sees you as another challenge, then the message to him will be clear all the same.

Go see your GP - I think Relate is too soon a facility to consider since the problems you highlight with DH are universal problems experienced by most couples when they become parents for the first time - but I think, since your emotions are in control, that you may have to fess up to an experienced GP and ask for help.

I also think you need to re-read this thread, but only the first 4 or so pages before it get's impatient and critical. Lots was mentioned about consequences of following your emotions here. Your life will be turned upside down. More importantly, your baby girl will have her life turned upside down.

Good luck OP. Do the right thing by everyone. Including yourself.

I can cope with Squawky

But ginger was you marriage ok before this man came along as the OP says her marriage was.

Catching up now - OP send a text right back, tell your DH it's absolutely ESSENTIAL that X is gone before you get back. You need family time.

I've de-lurked for this, and I'm a man besides.

Strange things happen to men when our children arrive; sometimes we go into a must-keep-working-to-look-after-the-family type of thing. Like your DH, I work for myself and it can be quite easy to focus on the business and making sure that the money is coming in and then forget that the reason we are doing this is because there's a family at home. My long suffering DW will only let me get away with this for a bit before pulling me up short. It sounds like your DH has lost his focus and in the vulnerable time when you should have been building support networks with other women and friends you have had someone instantly there to help you and that person has become your emotional rock. You need to remind your DH why he is working and that he needs to shift his focus. You'll probably need to this a few times, to be honest. It isn't easy, and it can end in a row.

Now X. X isn't going to leave your husband alone today. He knows that something is wrong because you weren't responding to his texts last night and he is scared that the game's about to be over. You need to tell your husband that you need to see him alone today. Tell him that you can have a BBQ with X another day, but today you need to talk to him. Keep telling him that until he gives in. Spend the day with DH and DD and talk to him.

Good luck, I hope and pray that you find the strength to do this and that it all goes well.

It can be clean though gingergirl72, the lying and X still pretending to be her DH's mate is just vile.

If he wants her. He will step back. Wait for her to tell her husband the truth, wait while they sort out the end of their marriage, while the baby adjusts to the new arrangements, and all that it entails and he will be there at the end of all that waiting for her.

Can't see that happening here myself. Just from what the OP has posted it seems obvious that this guy wants in, and he doesn't care who gets hurt (including an innocent baby) as long as he gets it. I think when faced with the day to day reality of having to provide for and look after a family he will run a mile.

BobsDaddy Spot on.
I hope the OP takes your advice.

katvond - if you'd asked me at the time I would have said yes. My husband also treat me like a princess and was, and still is, an excellent father. BUT he had OCD and was unable to touch me at all as it made him feel dirty. There was absolutely no physical contact unless we were having sex (which wasn't often at all - we went 2 years with no contact at all). Also, he didn't like my personality - that came up at the relate sessions and I was told by both my husband and the counsellor that I had to change my personality as I was too volatile. At first I did think all the problems were my fault - it's only now when I look back that I can see things for what they were. I had a shit marriage and it was shit because we were just incompatible.

bobsdaddy that makes so much sense. After my ds was born, for months my husband was distant and weird and working non stop. One day I just said "what the hell is going ON with you?" and he sort of crumbled and let it all out and explained pretty much what you have said there. I didnt realise how much pressure, and the whole "provider" instinct. It wasnt until then that I realised how much of an impact having a baby has on the man. And here I was thinking it was all about me ......
Things were better after that.

Playing golf is a time consuming activity - it can take all day. How do guys find time to do this when they have a baby??

I think H is neglecting you and the baby.

X is self serving and unethical - and potentially destructive.

The OP's husband isn't helping himself, really though is he? It seems he's got a bigger crush on X than the OP has

TakeItOnTheChins they've been friends for over 20 years (I think, can't find where the OP said that now!) so surely it's not unusual for him to want to spend time with him. I assume X has twigged something is quite right and is trying to keep the DH close so that OP can't talk to him. Also DH may have realised something is not quite right between him and the OP so is looking to X for support.

I do think he probably has his priorities slightly wrong, between his work/family life balance and with his going out last night, but in all fairness to him he presumably has absolutely no idea that anything is going on. All he knows is that his wife cancelled their plans to go on a fun night out and then left the house before he had woken up. The BBQ may actually be an attempt to include his wife, and child, in his plans instead of going off for the day without them.

OP, I hope you've sorted things out now :)

I'm so glad it worked out for you ginger :)
I suppose at the time you think your marriage is really good then something happens to change it. I was married before and we simply fell out of love. I think we stayed together for an extra 2 yrs for the sake of it, we had no kids. I would say to the OP if your heart isn't for your DH then end it. Don't prolong it.
OP as all this made you think that your marriage isn't so great?
Not having a go at you just asking what you feel deepdown.

Feronia

Just read BobsDaddys post. Then read it again, and again and agin until it sinks in.

You won't find more honest accurate advice anywhere else but there.

Agree with all the others. Read and take note of BobsDaddy's post.

Yes, good post BobsDaddy

Katvond - I've never doubted my relationship with DH before, until X came along I thought I was really happy, I've just never felt so happy or looked forward to being with someone as much as I do with X.

Having said that, last night, fighting with DH, then worrying all night about how angry he was with me, sitting watching my daughter sleep and thinking about her life as it is just made me want to fix things and stop feeling like this. DH and I undoubtedly have problems, I think they were there before but I was working, and socialising so it didn't seem so desperately lonely.

I know that without my DH, my daughter wouldn't have the life she does, the beautiful things, everything she needs, and looking to the future, good schooling, a stable home, love and happiness unquestionably. Obviously I don't want to ruin any of that for her.

I'm going to have to make some changes to my life to try to fill it up and get rid of these feelings I have for X. I'm not sure DH will be willing to cut a friend of 24 years out of his life so easily. But maybe I can distance him from our life as a family, and absolutely from my personal life.
I've enquired about a few baby groups and classes, I'm going to try to go out more with friends from my old life, though I do find it very very hard to leave my daughter with people.

DH knows something is up with me. I've been very sad and down and withdrawn from life a bit. I've lost weight with the worry and haven't been sleeping well. I refuse to go out with him quite a lot and spend all my time with my daughter. But I do really want these feelings to go away, I want to fix things.

I think you have probably underestimated how much of a massive shift becoming a mother has been for you; it is for everyone. If you intend to be a SAHM you need to build a social circle around that. If you are going to go back to work look at making sure that doesn't involve you doing all the housework and childcare as well as working, because you really will resent your husband if you do.