I'm in love with DH's best friend.

[Feronia]

DH and I have been married for six years, together for ten. We have a one year old daughter and a very comfortable life.

Ten months ago DH's best friend from school and uni came to stay with us for a few weeks while the sale of his house went through. (had sold his Scottish house and moving to London.) it was the start of loads of arguments for DH and I because I wasn't happy about having a virtual stranger (to me) in the house when I had a new baby.

It was awkward at first, with breastfeeding, looking a state etc, but with DH at work, it became really lovely to have X around. I found myself making sure I put make up on and tried to dress up. X would come with me to baby clinic, for walks in the park, shopping.

He ended up staying about 9 weeks. When he moved out I felt such a sense of loss, it was like someone had died. I'd cry all the time and just be awful to DH, and I'm sure my family think I had some sort of late postnatal depression.

After three weeks of not seeing him I texted him and suggested a coffee, joking my DD was missing him. He seemed to jump at the chance and we met that day. And many days since. I can't get enough of him and I think he feels the same. When my DH was away for a night last week, X came over in the evening and after some wine he kissed me and I've never been so happy. He wanted to stay but I made him leave. Which I sort of regret.

Im completely in love with him. If I don't see him for a day it's like my heart will break.

I don't know what to do.

whiteglovetest then congratulations for being immune to loneliness/isolation and for being so strong. No really you should be so very proud . That does indeed give you the right to call anyone who isn't as strong as you or who makes more mistakes (I am assuming you've never made one) immoral and to judge them.

This is a forum for advice, if it is something you are not capable of giving due to a lack of understanding and empathy then you shouldn't be on it. You judgement is helpful to know one.

Her loneliness only makes this guy look worse.

A good mate on seeing this situation would have said something to her DH, not gone in for the kill himself.

Im not immune, nor am I strong. I just didnt think of running off with someone due to it

My opinion is a valid as anyone else's

Just saying "you're immoral" doesn't help. Don't you see that? It's not advice, it's a judgment.

This is all going to end in tears....one way or another

You're not being fair to your DH and neither is this guy....if your wedding vows meant anything to you, you have to let this go and end it now.

Ok, then apologies. To answer the question...yes YABU

DH is hardly a neglectful man going off doing his own thing all the time, OP sings his praises about how good he is. Not being around during the day to go to baby clinic or for walks in the park because he has to work isn't a negative thing, it is real life! The point is the OP has been happy to let him do this whilst she enjoys the company of a man without a job who can lavish attention on her during the day and to then use DH's job as an example of 'neglect' is unfair. We have no idea how often DH plays golf or goes out or whether he knows that after 10 years she wants to change that as she doesn't say whether they have discussed it - she has been asked why they argue but she has chosen not to answer. The only thing we knwo for certain they have argued about is her refusal to spend time with him on a date and backing out at the last minute. We do know that she is sneaking around behind her husband's back enjoying the attentions of his best friend and I'm fairly amazed that anyone can condone that behaviour. Personally I don't really care what the OP does, it is her life and I don't know her but I do think it rude asking for opinions then choosing to not even acknowledge the advice given.

whiteglovetest - . . . er . . . I am actually speechless . . . I've never known anyone to back down in an argument on here before, most people argue to the death!

Penguin I do think it rude asking for opinions then choosing to not even acknowledge the advice given

Well that's not true is it! She has acknowledged advice and answered questions. You are just pissed off because you as I said earlier "a lot of egotistical people on here. They can't stand it if an OP doesn't do what they TELL them to and they turn on the OP and get nasty"

What I don't understand after reading this whole thread is why the OP didn't just text X back and say she didn't want to meet him for lunch and to stop contacting her? Why did she need to speak to her husband first? Is it if her DH still went to golf she'd meet X?

Please don't do it OP. You will end up hurt and hurting others

It's completely true - I am not the only one to have made valid suggestions and asked for more information before commenting and be ignored. Not bothered about that but intrigued why people bother if they only pick out the bits that they want to acknowledge (NB ACKNOWLEDGE, not do) There is a major difference between honesty and nastiness, try not to confuse the 2. Loving being labelled egotistical though, never had that one before for sticking up for the innocent party!!!

I dont have time to read all this thread but all I can say is please just cut him out, rebuild your relationship with DH, appreciate all you have and your baby. Its not worth it.

I feel so much anger at parents who think you nd your DHs relationship is only affecting you. Your DD may only be 1 but she needs her true birth parents, and the choice to end things rather than work on it really angers me, and work and work until things are better or there is literally no option.

Splitting from your DH or acting on these feelings will directly affect your DD, for the rest of her life. She will never have the loving family with no complications which will give her the best start in life. Tossing her between you are you (current) DH will only have negative effects. (The 'you'll have two bedrooms, two holidays, two of everything' argument makes me sick- as if your trying to make the slpit of the kids parents an attractive, happy, exciting prospect. splitting is likely to loose you friends (when they hear of this other man), loose your DD a secure, loving set of parents and what happened to morals.

If you really really love and care for your DD please please please just stick to it, stop right now, show your DH what he means to you, that he is the one and only and remember alll the reasons you married and love him, keep your family and move on. For your daughters sake!

Also put yourself in your DHs shoes for one second- if he did that to you, how would you be feeling, would you want him to come and be with your DD or ever trust him or want to see him again. How would that impact your DD?

maybe the answer to your problem's, OP, doesn't entirely lie in a man! From what you've posted, you've had a difficult time with childbirth, have ended up alienated from your NCT friends, and haven't made friends with other parents. The lack of other mummy friends wouldn't be so much of an issue if you were maintaining other friendships, but instead you've focussed on this other bloke to fill the gap, and playing with fire. I agree with mathanxiety/scottishmummy -Sort yourself out,- counselling/psychologist if birth trauma etc still an issue - consider going back to work, get back in touch with old friends and work on making new friends.

"I do think adultery is immoral and have never had the notion to do it."

Whiteglovetest - well then, YOU come across as sanctimonious - because you are making a show of being morally superior.

You don't mind me judging you do you.

The OP has said more than once that she will speak to her husband & cut all ties with X so I can't see where she has ignored advice.

OP I hope DH came home eventually & you manage to speak to him today & get this sorted. I think you can see that your head was turned by X's attention but there is no future in it and your relationship with DH is worth fighting for.

Good luck

No I dont mind animation. Go for it. Doesnt change the fact I havent had the notion to stray.:)

I hope she tells her DH about how his friend isn't really his friend, it would be so sad for him to continue trusting this man.

Op I think you sound lonely. No wonder the "best friend" was able to weedle himself into your affections.

Almost anyone who came along and spent all day and showed you a bit of attention would have had this affect on you.

You need to get the friend out of the equation and concentrate on your relationship with DH. You need to have a serious chat and to tell him how lonely you feel. You also need to find some friends who you can do things with during the day.

OP - the truth is - I think there is an element of post natal depression going on with you - and I wouldn't be surprised if a course of ant-depressants might balance you out emotionally.

DH came home at five and brought X with him. They were both very very drunk and loud so I just stayed in DD's room with her.

I got myself and DD ready and left this morning before they were up and have come to a coffee shop.

DH has just text me telling me to come home as he's invited x to stay for a BBQ if the weather holds. There's no mention of how late he stayed out, or how he ignored me. I presume he's not golfing.

X is just always around.

It's nice to see that the thread isn't as venomous this morning.

some people have been vicious here!

OP how are you this morning? Wouldnt be suprised if you dont come back given this hideous mob.

yes, people on here can be mean. Hope you are ok Feronia and make the right decision for your family.

Just read 16 pages of this.
OP you've had some good advise from fellow MNers but I suspect you will do fuck all about it. You like the attention so you'll keep lapping it up. It's the DH I feel for, poor man not knowing that his best friend and DW are doing this.
If he finds out I hope your fucking honest and don't blame your DH. This is your doing as this man made your panties damp. Hang your head in shame OP as this won't end nicely.

I completely agree with Sunshine's posts. Nobody here has told the OP what to do, but they've given advice about what they think she should do, big difference.

And where were the 'pat, pat, there, there' brigade last night when the poor defenceless from the nasty posters OP needed them?

Truth is, nobody on this thread, apart from the OP has any investment whatsoever in her relationship and if it works or fails, nobody really cares other than to say so on a chatboard screen. There's nothing that can be done 'after the fact', but some of the posters on this thread - Squawky, Sunshine, penguin, Morloth and others have taken the time to post to the OP.

Pontificate all you like TotallyLovely, if posters ask for advice, they will get it and hopefully some of it will be from the posters mentioned rather than the 'head patters' on this forum. Did you ever wonder why OP posted in AIBU rather than 'Relationships', no? Thought not.