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AIBU?

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Original poster

I'm in love with DH's best friend.

634 replies

Feronia · 04/06/2011 20:54

DH and I have been married for six years, together for ten. We have a one year old daughter and a very comfortable life.

Ten months ago DH's best friend from school and uni came to stay with us for a few weeks while the sale of his house went through. (had sold his Scottish house and moving to London.) it was the start of loads of arguments for DH and I because I wasn't happy about having a virtual stranger (to me) in the house when I had a new baby.

It was awkward at first, with breastfeeding, looking a state etc, but with DH at work, it became really lovely to have X around. I found myself making sure I put make up on and tried to dress up. X would come with me to baby clinic, for walks in the park, shopping.

He ended up staying about 9 weeks. When he moved out I felt such a sense of loss, it was like someone had died. I'd cry all the time and just be awful to DH, and I'm sure my family think I had some sort of late postnatal depression.

After three weeks of not seeing him I texted him and suggested a coffee, joking my DD was missing him. He seemed to jump at the chance and we met that day. And many days since. I can't get enough of him and I think he feels the same. When my DH was away for a night last week, X came over in the evening and after some wine he kissed me and I've never been so happy. He wanted to stay but I made him leave. Which I sort of regret.

Im completely in love with him. If I don't see him for a day it's like my heart will break.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
SunshineisSorry · 05/06/2011 08:41

Have you not read the OP Totally? And subsequent ones where she refuses to see what a twunt her lover actually is. The fact that any advise re her marriage is ignored in favour of, "oh but X makes me feel so good, oooh, he just texted me, oooh i dont know what to do" The lady has too much time on her hands. I posted kindlly at the begning, but lost my patience and wasted far too much time getting embroiled in a teenage fantasy love triange, when i should have been snuggling up to my own DP. So yeah, my patience kind of wore a bit thin.

FWIW i think being out until 5am is totally inappropriate behaviour from a man with a young DD, he needs to grow up to - i suspect the op and her DH deserve each other.

tak1ngchances · 05/06/2011 08:42

Someone else may have already pointed this out (I have read about half of the pages here) but when it comes to the crunch, the other man can run away at 500 miles an hour. The idea of it all is probably lovely to him but the reality of taking on a woman and her child and all the responsibility that a family brings is like a bucket of cold water over the flames of lust.
My gorgeous and lovely aunt was in an unhappy marriage for years. She fell in love with her DH's friend and he promised the world to her. They agreed to go home and break the news to their respective spouses (she had a DC, he did not). She went back to her DH, told him what had happened and that she was leaving him then went to the pub to mean other man as agreed, to start their new lives together.
She sat in that pub and waited and waited. Other man never came, but a text did "Sorry, I can't do this to my wife. We are going to start over. Please don't contact me again."
What was my aunt left with??? NOTHING.

TotallyLovely · 05/06/2011 08:42

Changing2011 That is so sad that your DH could only move on after sleeping with another woman himself Sad Bit tit for tat.

whiteglovetest · 05/06/2011 08:45

Sorry I think the OP is totally immoral

TotallyLovely · 05/06/2011 08:46

SunshineisSorry You can't put your opinion across and expect the OP to just say "yes of course you are all right I will do exactly as you say" and have all her feelings changed in an instance. It is arrogant of you to think she could or would. You are not God! People come on here for advice, that is all, but more and more I see posters getting angry with OPs (usually leading to name calling etc) when they don't do exactly as they are told!

Changing2011 · 05/06/2011 08:47

No totally I don't see it like that. He wanted to see what life would be like without me. Yes it was cruel to give me a fright like that with regards to going incommunicado but he wanted to see if he could walk away from us without a fight.... And realised me couldn't. He saw, as I did that we have something worth trying for. I was just glad he was home safe... Well, I had not a leg to stand on regards to the other woman. He never contacted her again and I have never laid eyes on the other man either. Yes we still have tough times and probably think the grass is greener but we both realise the true cost now.

SunshineisSorry · 05/06/2011 08:47

Totallylovely - what do yo mean i'm not God? Shock

Animation · 05/06/2011 08:48

Sunshine - I don't think she is ignoring advice as much as being caught up in this very powerful "in love" feeling for this guy. I should imagine that when you're in it it's very hard to shrug off and walk away from particularly when the alternative is H (Mr Spock) at home.

suetheslut · 05/06/2011 08:51

SunshineisSorry Totallylovely - what do yo mean i'm not God?

Trust me, YOU ARE GOD Grin

TotallyLovely · 05/06/2011 08:52

OP, I agree with those saying that some of the fault here lies with your DH. Yes he gives your DD breakfast every morning, yes he's funny, but it sounds like you need him to be at home more not out playing golf all the time. Ignoring your calls is incredibly disrespectful and I can only imagine how that makes you feel. You need to explain to him that you need attention and love, respect and for him to make you feel sexy and interesting again.

Do you ever get to go out by yourself for a bit of you time or is he the only one who is allowed a hobby?

Personally I don't think I would have forgiven him for moving a mate into my house when I had expressed my intense unhappiness with the situation. he disregarded you feelings completely.

whiteglovetest If she was immoral she wouldn't have paused at this point before going ahead with an affair to think about it. She would have just done it. It's not immoral to have feelings for another person, only if you do something about it.

waterrat · 05/06/2011 08:53

blimey, she is not ignoring advice - she only posted last night, this is her life, not a soap opera - she has made decisions others don't approve of - but this is an internet forum, she isn't going to suddenly change the way she feels over the space of a few hours, based on the opinions of strangers.

People are incredibly rude on here sometimes. We all make mistakes - and if someone comes on here looking for advice, that advice should be given in a reasonably polite way - and bearing in mind that a real person is sitting out there, with as many flaws as we all have.

some proper judgemental preaching here - calling the OP a dick and a bitch - seriously, it's really, really unkind - and quite obviously unhelpful.

The OP has a small baby and may have made bad decisions because she is a vulnerable place - but if she is sitting at home alone crying then she doesnt need all this shit.

SunshineisSorry · 05/06/2011 08:54

Thank you sue, someone who sees sense!! Grin

TotallyLovely · 05/06/2011 08:55

waterrat I completely agree.

Changing2011 · 05/06/2011 08:56

Waterrat I agree. Let those without sin cast the first stone...

Animation · 05/06/2011 08:57

waterrat - hear hear!

TotallyLovely · 05/06/2011 09:00

if you love your daughter so much, I dont see how you have even found time to fall so madly in love with your Adonis.....

er what?

whiteglovetest · 05/06/2011 09:01

Sorry but that hasnt changed my opinion. And if she choses to leave her marriage because she has "hot pants" and needs a bit of attention, she will hear worse than that from many people close to her. Really she will.

Georgimama · 05/06/2011 09:12

Even if you don't fuck this man, very soon your DH is going to twig what is going on. There will be fall out. Your marriage may be wrecked.

Unless you are very very careful you are going to be a single parent in a council flat within the next 12 months. X will be a dust cloud on the horizon.

Frankly, you must be utterly, utterly mad.

Have you ever seen Brief Encounter? Watch it and pray your husband is like Celia Johnson's.

MrsDrOwenHunt · 05/06/2011 09:13

mmmm so bored read all of this, when is this coming out as a new chick lit book then?!!

Morloth · 05/06/2011 09:14

The only person responsible for cheating is the cheater.

If the OP's DH is not pulling his weight then she needs to tell him and sort it out with him. If it can't be sorted then maybe they do need to split, but there are 2 people in a marriage, not 3 and sorting out or ending that marriage should be about those 2 people.

Adding another person to the mix is just going to screw up her life.

It is stupid to think like this, really really stupid. All this 'you can't help what you feel' and 'I love him' is just bullshit. You can control yourself, you can face reality and deal with it.

But it is much more dramatic to talk about Greek tragedies and act like life just happens to you and there isn't anything that can be helped.

I think the OP will probably sleep with this guy, I don't expect her to say what people here want to hear, it is her life. But no-one made her post and in particular no-one made her post on AIBU, if she didn't want to know if she was being unreasonable then she should not have asked.

TotallyLovely · 05/06/2011 09:16

whiteglovetest it sounds like you have no understanding of what it feels like to be neglected by your DH and to be lonely with a baby. Until you do maybe you shouldn't go around calling people immoral and going on about their hot pants! You are just being rude which is so unhelpful and you are really judgemental which of course is only allowed if you have never had an innapropriate thought in your life.

mrspnut · 05/06/2011 09:17

Waterrat - I totally agree.

The posters in here name calling because the OP doesn't immediately agree with them - would you do that to someone in real life? When your children don't listen to you, do you start calling them names?

TotallyLovely · 05/06/2011 09:21

mrspnut It seems to be very common on MN, a lot of egotistical people on here. They can't stand it if an OP doesn't do what they TELL them to and they turn on the OP and get nasty.

whiteglovetest · 05/06/2011 09:21

totallylovely, really? Thats a leap/ I had a baby in a foreign country with no family while my husband worked 24/7 and was COMPLETELY alone.

whiteglovetest · 05/06/2011 09:22

I do think adultery is immoral and have never had the notion to do it

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