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Original poster

I'm in love with DH's best friend.

634 replies

Feronia · 04/06/2011 20:54

DH and I have been married for six years, together for ten. We have a one year old daughter and a very comfortable life.

Ten months ago DH's best friend from school and uni came to stay with us for a few weeks while the sale of his house went through. (had sold his Scottish house and moving to London.) it was the start of loads of arguments for DH and I because I wasn't happy about having a virtual stranger (to me) in the house when I had a new baby.

It was awkward at first, with breastfeeding, looking a state etc, but with DH at work, it became really lovely to have X around. I found myself making sure I put make up on and tried to dress up. X would come with me to baby clinic, for walks in the park, shopping.

He ended up staying about 9 weeks. When he moved out I felt such a sense of loss, it was like someone had died. I'd cry all the time and just be awful to DH, and I'm sure my family think I had some sort of late postnatal depression.

After three weeks of not seeing him I texted him and suggested a coffee, joking my DD was missing him. He seemed to jump at the chance and we met that day. And many days since. I can't get enough of him and I think he feels the same. When my DH was away for a night last week, X came over in the evening and after some wine he kissed me and I've never been so happy. He wanted to stay but I made him leave. Which I sort of regret.

Im completely in love with him. If I don't see him for a day it's like my heart will break.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feronia · 05/06/2011 03:27

Differentnameforthis - I spent pages and pages singing DH's praises, I've also agreed that it was my choice not to go out, but that 3.30 and not answering the phone is a bit much.

OP posts:
Morloth · 05/06/2011 03:37

Thinking about this, I realised why I have reacted so strongly is because after being best mates with some for 24 years, this man is cheating on your DH as much as you are.

The betrayal is just gobsmacking, how can he not be doing this on purpose, think about what sort of person he must be OP, how could you love that?

Morloth · 05/06/2011 03:37

Thinking about this, I realised why I have reacted so strongly is because after being best mates with some for 24 years, this man is cheating on your DH as much as you are.

The betrayal is just gobsmacking, how can he not be doing this on purpose, think about what sort of person he must be OP, how could you love that?

Morloth · 05/06/2011 03:47

Thinking about this, I realised why I have reacted so strongly is because after being best mates with some for 24 years, this man is cheating on your DH as much as you are.

The betrayal is just gobsmacking, how can he not be doing this on purpnose, think about what sort of person he must be OP, how could you love that?

Morloth · 05/06/2011 03:47

Thinking about this, I realised why I have reacted so strongly is because after being best mates with some for 24 years, this man is cheating on your DH as much as you are.

The betrayal is just gobsmacking, how can he not be doing this on purpnose, think about what sort of person he must be OP, how could you love that?

differentnameforthis · 05/06/2011 04:08

Like I said op, maybe he is fed up of you cancelling on him, while you fawn all over his best mate.

Or maybe, he has sussed out what is going on?

mathanxiety · 05/06/2011 04:14

Best place to hash it all out is in the nearest Relate office. The two of you need to learn to talk to each other and listen.

Animation · 05/06/2011 05:15

The solution would be if she could re-connect somehow with H - and on some level she is obviously wanting to. H seems on another planet to me. He might not be to blame but it might help avert disaster if he could become emotionallly available to her at least. Is he blind or what? His mate has taken his wife from under his nose!

troisgarcons · 05/06/2011 06:17

Having read 14 pages of driveling shite ~ fuck me how do some people get out of bed in the morning without coming onto MN asking which leg to put on the floor first?

Summarise: X and DP have known each other 24 years? close friends? Best friends? You're trying to tell MN that DH doesn't know X's character traits and flaws? That DP doesn't know X is a bit of a ladies man, glib of tongue and a player? And invites him into your house? To live there?

Sounds like DH want's shot of you love, and X is doing him a favour! That could be a nice little set up - you and X, in flagrante and quelle surprise DH comes home and catches you! Bingo!

Take a look at your own personaility - you are a bit of a needy clingon who seems to be incapable of making friends, participating in baby-mother groups - and if the thing at the top of your list as to why you like being with DH is the fact he carries your shopping bags - Jesus H Christ!

Morloth · 05/06/2011 06:44

Sorry, phone got the hiccups.

JamieAgain · 05/06/2011 06:45

OP you have provided loads of identifying info on here.

Nothing you have said about your relationship with your DH is any different to the problems thousands of us have with our lovely DHs, and with our own emotions, after the birth of a first baby. An affair is not the answer.

giraffesCantZumba · 05/06/2011 07:26

This reply has been deleted

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suetheslut · 05/06/2011 07:55

Feronia

How did you get on? Have you shagged him yet?

suetheslut · 05/06/2011 07:56

oe even Grin

whiteglovetest · 05/06/2011 08:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

emmanana · 05/06/2011 08:08

Either have a piss on the pot or get off it.

Only YOU have the responsibilty to choose which road you go down. YOU.
Stop blaming everyone else for your actions. You cannot apportion blame or cause on to anyone else. No-one 'threw you together', you were two adults living in the same house. If you want to justify your actions over a few petty incidents; he couldn't meet for lunch, he's not answering his phone, the go ahead - it's YOUR choice.

You have asked for advice, and people have offered feedback. YOU choose whether or not to take it.

To be brutally honest though, every post you reply I'm hearing VICTIM
and actually slighty doubting the credibilty of this story with each new page...

whiteglovetest · 05/06/2011 08:09

And anyway, after the guy left...it was YOU who rang to meet up wasnt it OP? He had moved out and you chased him. You are SO on a loser.

GreenToes · 05/06/2011 08:20

OP - I hope you get the chance to talk things through with your DH today and that you can sort things out. Are you going to tell him about your friend kissing him? I think you should before the friend tells him! Explain you were feeling vulnerable and X took advantage of that - he did, whether you believe it or not.

I'm very sorry you had to go through this experience. Luckily you've realised your mistake before it was too late and now you can put your energy into your marriage instead of a fantasy. All the best :)

beesimo · 05/06/2011 08:22

OP

i don't think you are eveything bad I think you are very mixed up at moment.
We have a saying that I think you may need to hear about 'leaving one man for another,

'The grass is always greener on the other side because it is fertilized with bullshit'

Your biggest problem is YOUR bullshitting yourself, you want to run away from your life because its all gone a bit flat don't be foolish pull yerself together and make the life that is yours better, blossom where your planted girl.

fishandlilacs · 05/06/2011 08:23

I have just read all of this and heres what I think should happen now.

You talk/text whatever to the fancy man and tell him that this stops, the flirtation and attention has been fun, boosted your ego thanks very much but IT STOPS now. Tell him you are on dangerous ground with your feelings for him and your family life with your child and husband are more important than anything he could ever offer you. If that hurts him then tough but your home life is more important. By the way i dont think he necassarily the full on philanderer he has been touted as on here, he sounds genuine in his want to give support you at a time where you needed it and emotions have got in the way, but never the less he should have put the brakes on, YOU ARE HIS BEST FRIENDS WIFE and mother of his child.

Then you sit down with your DH-get a babysitter, put on a pretty dress and go to a quiet bar and talk or go to relate. LAY IT ALL OUT-everything, be totally honest. Tell him you have had and enjoyed the attention of another man and were on the brink of an affair because he doesn't sound like the most present and involved father, (going out til 5am of an evening, ignoring your calls when out then planning golf etc-sounds like he has nice life too thank you very much) providing for your family financially is only one side of the coin, you sound needful of emotional & practical support too. You need him to be more involved and above all more engaged with your daughter and you. Remember, it's common for fathers to be less involved in the baby days, breasfeeding etc gives you a bond with your baby that men cannot compete with and from your perspective it will appear that he's not as involved as you. Thats normal you know, it's biology. Give him time as your daughter gets older he will be able to be there for her more. I dont just practically I mean "present" and "in love" with her in the way your are now.

He needs to find a balance between the fathers role and lads life, golf, nights out etc and find that niche that makes him family man. Thats what you need from him, and if he cant do that then you need to re-asses where you stand in your marriage. If dh can't be all those things then maybe you have no marriage at all-but you cannot let fancy man be a factor in that. He has nothing to do with it and nothing to do with your future.

I hope there are some clear heads in your house this morning. Time's a gonna change.
good luck OP

TotallyLovely · 05/06/2011 08:32

I see people are out for blood again. You guys are just lovely arent you!

Longtalljosie · 05/06/2011 08:34

Feronia. Just to say there are three things at play here. One, relationships are put under huge strain by the arrival of a baby. Having a willing "alternative" under the same roof has proved disastrous for you. The rest of us just have tearful, snappy arguments which we get over. Two - it's quite common for men to have a bit of a rebellion against their new "dad" lives and work late / go to the pub when really they should be hurrying home to give you a break. This was made easier for your DH to do by X being around.

Which leaves me to three, which is going to be hard for you to believe, but you must must must believe me. This man X is a cock. Never mind how infatuated you are, never mind how lovely he seems and the romantic things that he says. I know he is a cock because of what he has done. You may have suggested meeting for coffee, but he kissed you. And even if it had been you, he's not the sleep-deprived and vulnerable one, and your DH is his best friend who was putting him up despite the (initial) very reasonable resistance of his wife. Think about his actions. Not the image you have of him, not his excuses for his behaviour, his actual actions. I know you say you've broken contact with him but this will continue until you can see him for what he is.

Changing2011 · 05/06/2011 08:34

Hi just wanted to tell op from one who knows....I cheated on my dp with his best friend. He got me at a low ebb my mother has died and I had a small baby. He lavished the attention I was missing. He promised me a life of security with my dd. My dp sensed something was wrong and tried to make things right between us.... I was quite cold towards him. Then, one day when I was at supermarket dp read my emails. He rang me to come home immediately and it was as if his heart would break. I will never forget the pain on his face. Ever.

He was heartbroken and angry. We had to move house the next week so I begged him to go through with the move and see how he felt in a few weeks. He agreed for our baby daughters sake. It was hard to keep up the pretence to family etc. He was angry most nights and became obsessed with tracking my movements, turning up to work to check I was there etc. The other man ran a mile after he realised I had chosen my dp and it turned out that he had three girls on the go at the same time as me. I felt dirty and used and disgusted with myself. We only slept together once but it was all the lies. I had believed that really got to me. He turned out to be a completely different person to the one I thought I knew. When he realised he had "lost" the game he was playing he was gone.

One night in our new home my dp came home got changed and went out again. He said he was going out with his boss. Ok I said. He was all dressed up. I went to bed with a book. Dd was tucked up. I woke at about 5am to an empty bed. I rang him dozens of times. I was terrified, he had been talking of suicide, driving too fast, all sorts in his pain and anger. By lunchtime that day there was no sign. I went to the police and sat with my baby in her pram in floods of tears, asking them to check if his car registration was reported in any rta or if be had been arrested or hurt. They took a report and sent me home to wait. At 3pm he walked in the door. He had indeed been to another woman, an ex who lives about 20 miles away. He went straight upstairs to shower, then came down, took me in his arms and all the anger just melted away. He had got. It out of his system. That was 5 years ago. The road has been bumpy but you can see how catastrophic the fallout was and if he was less of a person he would have just dumped me at the roadside with my choices and my cheating heart. But we tried, we love our family and we don't take each other for granted anymore. Don't let it get as far as I did. You have a chance to see your marriage with new eyes. Take it.

Animation · 05/06/2011 08:36

"doesn't sound like the most present and involved father, (going out til 5am of an evening, ignoring your calls when out then planning golf etc-sounds like he has nice life too thank you very much) providing for your family financially is only one side of the coin"

I agree. It takes two to make a relationship work and the H appears remote and detached to me. The fact he has no idea what's going on under his nose for so long is proof that his focus is on other things - maybe work and recreational activities. Or maybe he just doesn't care.

TotallyLovely · 05/06/2011 08:38

He needs to find a balance between the fathers role and lads life, golf, nights out etc and find that niche that makes him family man

Agree with that completely. It doesn't sound like he spends enough time with you as a family. Yes he works, yes he can go golf sometimes but it sounds like he's not around for you enough and that you would really like him to come to things with you and baby like X did.

I think it is very common to become interested in another man at this stage in your life. A friend of mine did, he was just a guy that she knew that she wouldn't have been interested in otherwise but he showed her attention and talked with her. It is so hard when you have babies or small children. I know with me and my own DH months have often passed with us feeling like we've hardly looked at each other or had a conversation that wasn't "you take out the rubbish while I load the dishwasher?". It's so easy for this to happen!

I read as much as I could but well there's loads so sorry if I missed it, but how much time DOES DH spend with you and baby?

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