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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want my Mum to pass away peacefully?

75 replies

forgetmenot7 · 04/06/2011 14:56

Got called home up north as my Mum had a stroke which has left her unable to speak, swallow, move except for her left arm and leg. Consultant said on a scale of 1-4. it was a 4. She can open her eyes but has achest infection and cant maintain her oxygen levels so is being helped. Also tube to feed her in her nose. She is 78 and until last week totally independent, still driving etc. She always said she did not want to live without quality of life. We want them to stop treating her and let her go peacefully. Am I wrong to wish it to happen as soon as possible?

OP posts:

mumnotmachine · 04/06/2011 15:00

No you are not.
Nothing worse than seeing the deterioration happen before your eyes.

I think making a human suffer is heartbreaking (although the decision is taken from our hands) we dont make an animal suffer, but we make humans go through hell

stanausauruswrecks · 04/06/2011 15:05

I'm so sorry to hear what has happened to your mum.
I don't think YABU at all. It's what she wants, and I think you have to be pretty selfless to make a decision to withdraw treatment. I hope it's as peacfull and dignified as possible.

ChairOfTheBored · 04/06/2011 15:06

Oh, I am so sorry.

You are not being unreasoanble at all; it's a terrible thing to watch the person you love suffer.

I'm not sure what else to say that could possibly help, but have a very un-mumsnetty

Crevix · 04/06/2011 15:09

Sorry about your mum. YANBU to want that.

When was your mum's stroke? have the hospital given her any idea of recovery?

Original poster

forgetmenot7 · 04/06/2011 15:11

The trouble is I am back down south at home and my brother is going in twice a day . I had to come home but said my goodbyes .We both dont want her going through any more. Ijust wish it was over. My kids are all in a state, ringing me , texting everyday and all I can say is ..no change. She is also incontinent and there is no dignity involved.She has always been a very proud woman and has taken meticulous care of herself. Now all she can do is open her eyes boy we dont even know if she can recognise us or understand what she is saying. If she went into a care home she would need 24/7 around the clock care . Just want her to go but feel guilty thinking it

OP posts:

Punkatheart · 04/06/2011 15:11

I have been in this situation with my father. No, you want her to be peaceful. Talk to her, stroke her hand and hopefully she will just drift away.

zelda1982 · 04/06/2011 15:12

My mam passed away 3 weeks ago (age 49) from lung cancer. It was so hard to watch her deteriorate and she was put on the Liverpool Care Plan, which is where she is no longer treated for anything except the pain, no steroids, anti-b's etc. The longest anyone has survived on the plan is 14 days (in the uk) However after 3 days my mam had actually improved so they brought her off it and we thankfully had a few more weeks with her, but maybe it is something you can ask about? It was a hard decision to put her on the plan (they needed permission) but at the time (she was very very ill) it was the best thing to do.

katvond · 04/06/2011 15:13

So so sorry about your mom and OP I've been there, no one wants to see their parents suffer. Had this with mom and lung cancer, you just want the pain to go away, it's not selfish to think like this it's feeling love for that person.
Sending lots of hugs xxx

katvond · 04/06/2011 15:15

Zelda my mom had the same plan. It was bloody awful. She was admitted to palletive care and lasted 2 weeks.

Original poster

forgetmenot7 · 04/06/2011 15:16

They have said that she has had the worst type of stroke you can have but she also has addisons disease which means she has ben on steroids all her adult years . If they took her off the steroids and stopped treating the chest infection she would just pass away but it is just prolonging it. She never left anything in writing to say she would not want to be treated but has always made her wishes known to my brother and I that she would not want to be kept alive with no quality of life . She is never going to improve from the stage she is at now

OP posts:

zelda1982 · 04/06/2011 15:19

katvond, as i said she was only on for 3 days as she perked up (i think she wanted to see her grandkids one more time) as like op i live up north (sunderland and she lived in Portsmouth. It was awful that she wasnt allowed a drink etc though. :( We were called down through the night (6 hour drive - horrible) as we were told she had a day to live, she lasted another 4 weeks which gave me time to get my kids down to see her.

Adversecamber · 04/06/2011 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

forgetmenot7 · 04/06/2011 15:22

My Mum lives in Garstang and my brother and sister in law live nearby. The worst is waiting for her to die or having to wait to see the consultant again as my brother is adamant that she should not be treated just to keep her alive . I just wish I knew whether they will take our wishes into consideration or will they just keep her living as she is until she has another stroke or something else ?.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 04/06/2011 15:24

YANBU.

My mother and father have asked me to do the same and given me durable medical POA in the event their spouse is no longer living because my sister cannot be trusted to honour their wishes.

I hope she is allowed to leave this life peacefully with her family around her by not being treated anymore.

I will pray for her to pass away peacefully, surrounded by family.

I would want the same, so I feel it is my duty to do it for my own parents, if the need should arise.

Original poster

forgetmenot7 · 04/06/2011 15:34

Thank you for your kind messages. I am just waiting for this evening to come when my brother and SIL ring to tell me if there has been any change. Have been back since saying bye to her on Tuesday . Get a phone call every day with update and phone hospital every night. Feel like I have been home waiting for weeks. My mother never gave POA to us but we hope that we have the right to ask for what we believe is best for our Mum

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 04/06/2011 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jellyvodkas · 04/06/2011 15:52

Sending you hugs, and embraces and hope your mum doesnt suffer.
YANBU....of course not... you love your mum and dont like to see her going through all this.
I hope it doesnt drag out, for her sake and for yours.
Best wishes xx

CMOTdibbler · 04/06/2011 15:54

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. IMO YANBU in the least. I'm watching my parents very slowly dying, and it breaks my heart

squeakytoy · 04/06/2011 17:32

Sorry to hear what you are going through. You are certainly not being unreasonable in what you would like to happen.

I had to watch my Dad die from cancer and many times prayed that his suffering would end. I also had to make the decision to have my mums life support stopped after there was no hope that she would ever recover in the ICU.

You have to respect your mums wishes, and from what you have posted, this is what she would want you to do for her. x

takethisonehereforastart · 04/06/2011 17:38

You are not being unreasonable at all. I am so sorry and for all your sakes I hope that she has a quick and peaceful passing and that they accept your passing on of her wishes and don't prolong things unnecessarily.

unfitmother · 04/06/2011 17:39

Very sorry to hear that.
When do you or your DB get to see the consultant next?

LolaRennt · 04/06/2011 17:43

Obviously you are not being unreasonable! Wanting peace for your mother and your family is the most normal feeling you can have. It will never be easy, but hopefully it can be as peaceful as possible.

drivemecrazy63 · 04/06/2011 17:46

im so sorry to hear your news what do the doctors say the likelyhood she will regain a lot of the senses ect shes lost as quite often people can come back and get a very good quality of life after a stroke or are there more complications? shes 78 not that old really but has she had very good health up till now as of she has shes more likely to recover better ? but whatever happens and ive been in a similar place a few years back with my mum im sure your not being at all un reasonable in wanting the best for your mum as you know her wishes and thoughts on this all the best and keep well yourself . id advise all of you get together to go and see her and be really jolly and happy not sad in her presence and let her know as i held my mums hand as she died that everyone is well and all the grandchildren are ok not to worry about all of you and go to sleep now and rest bless her x ((hugs)) x

SunshineisSorry · 04/06/2011 18:08

So sorry to hear about your mum forgetmenot - completely understand how you feel. My dad passed away 5 years ago, he had alzheimers and was then diagnosed with lung cancer, i was adamant that he was only to receive palliative care and I was relieved when he died as i knew he hated his life as it was. Thankfully he was found a bed in a hospice and kept pretty much out of it on a morphine drip. I would recommend that you ask for this option to be investigated as i found the care much more "caring" at the hospice.

As an aside, my mother has addisons syndrome - never heard of anyone else with this condition as its pretty rare. Like your mum, fit as an ox and very independent.

Thinking of you at this difficult time.

Original poster

forgetmenot7 · 06/06/2011 00:18

Thanks for your continuing support. Mum is not responding to anything and DB is heartbroken that it is still continuing. They have stopped giving her antibiotics now , but SIL says Mum looks as if she is getting another urinary infection which for anyone with Addisons is a concern. Iam just hoping that she will pass away in her sleep as soon as possible . All prayers would be greatly appreciated for her to pass away and be in peace.

OP posts:

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