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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want my Mum to pass away peacefully?

75 replies

forgetmenot7 · 04/06/2011 14:56

Got called home up north as my Mum had a stroke which has left her unable to speak, swallow, move except for her left arm and leg. Consultant said on a scale of 1-4. it was a 4. She can open her eyes but has achest infection and cant maintain her oxygen levels so is being helped. Also tube to feed her in her nose. She is 78 and until last week totally independent, still driving etc. She always said she did not want to live without quality of life. We want them to stop treating her and let her go peacefully. Am I wrong to wish it to happen as soon as possible?

OP posts:

jasper · 06/06/2011 00:22

praying for just that, forgetmenot

Orbinator · 06/06/2011 00:23

Not at all OP, YANBU. I really hope it all becomes more peaceful for her ASAP. My personal experience was 3 days of my mum on a very high dose of morphine (she had cancer) and not being able to talk, just making mewing baby cries. It was very distressing and all I could do was keep her tongue moist. I'm very confident she would have hated to be seen like that and I felt it very unnecessary as they told me when I arrived she wouldn't be getting any better.

She did look very peaceful at the end though, which is something. So sorry for you OP and wishing you lots of strength.

LunaticIsOnTheGrass · 06/06/2011 00:41

We had similar situations with my Dad, who died of lung cancer last June, & MIL, who died 3 weeks ago after stroke damage similar to your Mum.

It's truly awful.

I'm so sorry for you & your family OP x

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest, you are just wanting the best ending for your Mum. Peaceful & dignified - it's the most any of us could want.

I hope you get what you need for your Mum - I found the staff to be fantastic, Dad died on a high dependency ward & MIL in a hospice & they were great when the end came & before.

Wishing you all the strength to get through this.

Will say a prayer for your Mum tonight.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 06/06/2011 00:46

forgetmenot7 You're in my thoughts and prayers x

Strawbezza · 06/06/2011 00:53

Wishing you all the best forgetmenot7.

I simply don't understand why it's kind to put an animal out of its suffering, and yet humans' lives are prolonged at all costs :(

BitOfFun · 06/06/2011 00:58

Thinking of you.

Original poster

forgetmenot7 · 06/06/2011 01:05

I live in Surrey and my Mum, s home is in Garstang near my brother, hence her being at Lancaster infirmary. I hear from my brother every day and ring the hospital as often.My 3 eldest ring me every night to know how their Nana is and my youngest two still at home are really comforting me as is my partner.Days seem so long and I feel like I am in limbo. Its horrible to be wishing your parent to die , but I want her to go now. I cant even look at photo,s of her as I dont want to keep crying , yet I feel awful because I am trying to be normal ie. strong. Is this wrong or is this how those of you who have experienced this dealt with or felt ? ps. thanks for prayers. xxx

OP posts:

mrsdonkeybucket · 06/06/2011 01:13

Thinking of you, prayers for your Mum.

NunTheWiser · 06/06/2011 01:22

YANBU wishing someone you love did not have to experience pain and discomfort. It makes you a kind and loving daughter.

You are allowed to cry, this is a dreadfully upsetting and uncertain time.
Whilst you are busy trying to take care of others, please take care of yourself. Wishing you and your mum peace.

Letitshine · 06/06/2011 01:38

Sending my thoughts to you and your family at this sad time. It is not unreasonable to not want to see a loved one suffer.

smileANDwave2000 · 06/06/2011 07:50

i do hope you hear or have heard some news that will assist you in getting through this time best wishes as i know how awful this feeling is , please come back and let us know what happens our thoughts go with you and your whole family bless you x

lubberlich · 06/06/2011 08:27

I am so sorry for you and your family at this time.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 06/06/2011 09:13

I am hoping for a good death for your mother now. I worked in a hospice just before we left England. Ours dealt only with people with terminal cancer or motor neurone disease, the demand for beds is such that it would not have been able to cope with patients who had had a stroke. To be considered for admission, you had to be judged to have less than two weeks left to live.
OP, wishing you peace and hoping this thread is a kick up the backside to those who put off carrying an advanced directive. I've got one as DH is a catholic and greatly opposed to voluntary euthanasia.

startail · 07/06/2011 00:41

UANBU not a day goes by when I don't think of my DMIL and wished she'd lived to meet DD2. BUT I never for one second regret that the stroke that killed her did so instantly (she was about your Mothers age) and also very active.
I hope that the medics let your mother have the peaceful and dignified death she deserves.

Letitshine · 07/06/2011 10:58

Thinking of you OP - come back and update us if you can.

shakey1500 · 07/06/2011 11:04

Thinking of you and your family at this difficult time.

MackerelOfFact · 07/06/2011 11:08

Another who is thinking of you. It's such a horrible time, so many conflicting thoughts and emotions. I hope you and your mum both find your own peace x

GrimmaTheNome · 07/06/2011 11:12

YANBU.

When my grandpa, after a vigourous life, became suddenly senile he hated it. After 3 weeks he contracted pneumonia - it was not treated. My mother called it 'the old man's friend' - it really was.

ShoutyHamster · 07/06/2011 13:18

Thinking of you and your family OP, and hoping that your mum can be at peace as soon as possible. x

ginnybag · 07/06/2011 14:29

My MIL was in a similar position with a stroke, but did make a reasonable recovery. My Aunty died not too long ago, 40 miles away from home in an unfamiliar hospital, having gone there at 91 for a last ditch attempt at treatment.

She should never have gone and I am intensely grateful to the Dr who said no to attempting the treatment - had he said yes, she would have had deeply invasive surgery, months of recovery if she'd survived and would have lost all independence. As it was, although far from home, she died peacefully in her sleep.

You're in my thoughts, OP. I think we've gotten so used to medical miracles that we've forgotten as a nation how to deal with death.

pranma · 07/06/2011 14:50

I hope my dc have the courage to let me go if I get into that state.Do not feel guilty-all you are feeling is love for your mum.
My thoughts are with you.

chrisrobin · 07/06/2011 15:04

You and your family are in my thoughs and prayers x

Ormirian · 07/06/2011 15:08

So so sorry forgetmenot Of course you aren't being unreasonable. But doesn't she have to have signed a living will or something of that sort to enable them to stop treatment?

Thinking of you all.

Original poster

forgetmenot7 · 08/06/2011 20:50

Thanks for the messages that keep coming.
My brother and SIL had a meeting with the consultant and team involved today. The consultant has stated that Mum has had the most severest of strokes and is not expected to get better . They have tried to see if she can swallow but it just makes her gag.They have spoken about changing her nasogastric tube that is feeding her to a peg feed. My brother has told them we dont want that.
Because she has only been on the stroke ward for 5 days (even though she was admitted to hospital 11 days ago and had to wait for a spare bed on the stroke unit.) they are going to continue to treat her. My brother told them that my Mum was a highly articulate, intelligent and talented woman ( she was a talented artist and had studied and learnt to speak Spanish to mention but two things she had accomplished in the last 10 years !) She was driving up until the day before the stroke.My Mum had made it quite clear to us when we watched my Dad die from leukaemia that she never wanted to live if she had no quality of life.
My brother has made it quite clear that he is acting on Mums wishes and ours.
However we just have to wait till they decide to stop everything. I know they have policies and procedures to follow but it just seems inhumane......

OP posts:

passiveaggresive · 08/06/2011 20:57

oh, forgetmenot, im sorry that this is happening to you all, you are in my thoughts xx

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