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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want my Mum to pass away peacefully?

75 replies

forgetmenot7 · 04/06/2011 14:56

Got called home up north as my Mum had a stroke which has left her unable to speak, swallow, move except for her left arm and leg. Consultant said on a scale of 1-4. it was a 4. She can open her eyes but has achest infection and cant maintain her oxygen levels so is being helped. Also tube to feed her in her nose. She is 78 and until last week totally independent, still driving etc. She always said she did not want to live without quality of life. We want them to stop treating her and let her go peacefully. Am I wrong to wish it to happen as soon as possible?

OP posts:

LunaticIsOnTheGrass · 08/06/2011 21:12

Oh love x

I'm really sorry all this is happening.

The waiting is the worst part, a horrible time for all concerned.

I don't really have any words of comfort, there isn't much anyone can say to help at times like these

You are welcome to PM me if you want a chat.

Will say a prayer for you all x

redwineformethanks · 08/06/2011 21:13

Hello forgetmeknot7 I feel quite tearful reading this. Poor you. I was devoted to my granny and she was put on the Liverpool care pathway about 10 days before she died. It is all about dying with dignity etc. Worth a look online

The rest of the family left and it was just her and me for the last week. Every day the hospital staff came in and said "Wow - still here? She's a fighter" and I won't deny there were times I felt I just wanted to get it over with as we all knew what was coming. Although it was emotionally quite hard for me for that last week, she was so peaceful and calm and the moment she died was actually not as bad as you might fear.

Please bear in mind that you are not "wishing her dead", but rather wishing for her not to suffer. That's entirely different. If you had a close relationship with her and you know that she wouldn't want to continue in her current state, I would urge you to speak to your brother and the hospital staff about Liverpool and see if they think it could be appropriate. For me, I found it a comfort thinking that she was part of a program so there was a recognised way of caring for people at that stage of their life, as opposed to feeling that someone was just abandoned when they needed proper care etc

LatteLady · 08/06/2011 21:27

Just wanted to let you know that I will say a prayer for you and your mum tonight to give you the strength to cope with this. Am so sorry to know that you are going through this... would have given the world to spare my independent mum from a similar situation.

Letitshine · 08/06/2011 21:32

It must be really hard being so far away. Can you not get some time off work/leave the kids with dh etc. so that you can be closer? It may help you and your brother if you can be together. Again, my thoughts are with you at this sad time.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 08/06/2011 21:33

still thinking of you all forgetmenot7 x

Would love to offer better advice other than asking her doctors what it would take for your mum to be placed in pallative care?

Letitshine · 08/06/2011 21:39

Your mum sounds like a wonderful woman, forgetmenot. We are here to listen if you want to talk.

TheBolter · 08/06/2011 21:47

YANBU, and I'm so sorry for your pain forgetmenot.

Mil has early onset Alzheimers which is the most vile and degrading condition, and unfortunately can last for years. MIL cannot do anything anymore, and we are all playing a waiting game, waiting for her to pass on, hoping it will happen soon. It's the worst position to be in over a loved one.

We wouldn't treat animals in this way, so why is this allowed to happen to humans? There is no way in the world that MIL would have wanted to go through this, or for her family to suffer in this way. What's more, it's cost FIL a fortune in private care just to maintain her deteriorating quality of life. Obviously this is of little significance in the big picture, but still...

TheBolter · 08/06/2011 21:49

Sorry, don't mean to be crass mentioning the cost, FIL would give up his life to ensure MIL's life ends as well as it possibly can.

ptangyangkipperbang · 08/06/2011 21:57

Do you know if your mum spoke to her GP about not wanting treatment if her quality of life was affected? When my mum was in hospital in pretty much the same circumstances as yours, we spoke to the consultant about withdrawing the treatment in accordance with her wishes. He suggested that we talk to her GP to see if she had mentioned this. We knew she had so I asked the GP to ring the consultant to tell him. They started to withdraw the treatment pretty much straight away.

I feel for you SO much as there are so many emotions, unfortunately including guilt. The day my mum died friends said it looked like a great weight had lifted from my shoulders - it had. I knew that my mum would not have wanted to be dependent on anyone and had loved her life and it was time for her to go with as little pain and as much dignity as possible. Therefore, there shouldn't be any guilt at all.
Thinking of all your family x

Original poster

forgetmenot7 · 08/06/2011 22:15

Thanks everyone, ...in reply , I have heard about the LCP and mentioned it to my SIL. They have this plan in place at lancaster but it has more to do with allowing more time first(although I dont know why).
I went up last Saturday and came back to see to my kids on Tuesday. Also, its not fair to put more on to my brother and his family. They are both back at work but my brother goes in on his way home from work every night and I phone the hospital every day and my SIL phones me every night or I phone her.
. It s because we dont know how long it will go on for. I have said to my brother I will go up again next weekend but she could go anytime . If she is still here I will go and see her again even though I had said good bye to her, I really thought she would have passed away now in her sleep hopefully.

Every night I hope that I will get a phone call to say she has gone.It was so hard to walk away from her and now I just feel sick thinking of her there and hoping on one hand she stays awake /alive long enough for me to see her again. On the other hand I dont want her to suffer any more . Its not knowing how long she has that hurts.
Cant look at her photo's, havent since I came home and cant remember now what she looked like when I left. SIL says thats my coping mechanism kicking in. My eldest daughter is getting married on 31 july. I cant even think about it. Keep telling my Dad to come and get her , they were married for 40 years when he passed away and we have always said that he was still with her. It was my Dads birthday on the Tuesday and the anniversary of the funeral on the Wednesday. I sent her roses and on the card a note written to say that Dad would always be with her and watching over my brother and I (we had always thought that) Mum had the stroke 2 days later.

OP posts:

redwineformethanks · 08/06/2011 22:18

Not sure if you have a religious faith or not, but I do and I have no doubt at all that your Dad is watching over her and will look after her in the next life.

Tillyscoutsmum · 08/06/2011 22:22

I am so sorry. Thinking of you and hoping your mum is reunited with your dad soon x

jasper · 08/06/2011 22:40

the waiting is so hard x

Original poster

forgetmenot7 · 09/06/2011 00:51

I know I am not the only one to be going through this or to have gone through the death of a parent. I dont know how many of you would agree with me but it makes you feel like all the years have gone and your back to being a child again in some sense. At the same time you know that your not. Does that make sense ?

OP posts:

Original poster

forgetmenot7 · 09/06/2011 00:52

Please pray for her x

OP posts:

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 09/06/2011 01:42

I lost my FIL last year, I had known him since being a teenager and no disrespect to my dad but he was like a father to me - I sympathise with your heartache of seeing someone you love dearly suffer so much and yet not be able to do anything to help them.

I haven't been to church in years but during that time I prayed alot - it was all I could do - am still praying for you mam, stay strong x

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 09/06/2011 01:44

I meant 'your' not 'you' sorry.

cagedbirdsings · 09/06/2011 22:24

YANBU. I hope you and your family stay strong over the coming days. I will say a prayer for you all.

corneliuscrow · 12/06/2011 22:18

Been lurking on this thread and wondered how things are OP. Thinking of you.

FreudianSlipper · 12/06/2011 22:26

no not at all

my nanny was 83 and a similar thing happened, the day before she had walked into town to pay her council tax (a good 2 miles). she was only in hospital 4 days and died peacefully, its was a a beautiful experience very peaceful and the way everyone deserves to go. my mum and aunt begged the doctors to let her go she had always said she never wanted to be dependant on anyone (they were testing for other things) and though they did have to take tests i think they knew it was her time

marcopront · 12/06/2011 23:01

Could she be waiting for something or someone?

My Mum was in a coma for three years and I had been wanting her to die for about 2.5 years. I now believed she waited until my Dad was ready and then she timed it to fit in perfectly with various events, mainly travel plans.

My thoughts are with you.

DelilahDoolittle · 16/06/2011 17:56

Long time lurker but as I went through something similar with a relative not so long ago I decided to post. I hope you are ok OP and my thoughts are with you. I know how hard it is and you just want what is best for your Mum.

Karmabanana · 28/06/2011 01:27

YANBU. I don't think anyone would want to see their Mum suffer like this. I hope you and your family manage to stay strong and I hope your Mum's suffering ends quickly for all your sakes. Prayers being sent your way.

tinsofmince · 29/06/2011 10:28

Hopefully as you haven't posted an update, your mother has had a peaceful death.

cantpooinpeace · 29/06/2011 11:06

It sounds like she is comfortable, not distressed or in any pain & these are the most important things at the end of life. I'm sure she would take great comfort that between you - you are with her. So much emphasis placed on birth and not much placed on death, it's so important to get it right to allow yourself to grieve properly when she's gone x

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