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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say I'm not giving DB money as a birthday present whilst he still owes me £600...

54 replies

DontCallMePeanut · 04/06/2011 13:41

Well? Am I?

I've almost given up hope of seeing that money again. Apparently, the money he and SIL were going to pay me back with is "tied up in shareholder based trust funds", which apparently, the people who the shares are with, are refusing to pay out Hmm

Anyway, It's DB's birthday in 2 weeks. When asked what he wanted for his birthday, SIL said he's asking everyone for money? WIBU to say I would have given him £50, but he can take it off what him and SIL owe me?

OP posts:
NoobytheWaspSlayer · 04/06/2011 13:43

Not unreasonable at ALL! And if you usually get them presents, I'd continue doing that for his and SILs birthday and Christmas until the debt is paid off.

EveryonesJealousOfGingers · 04/06/2011 13:43

I was going to post exactly what you've said - but I would phrase it that you are giving him £50, not that you 'would have' - and his debt is therefore reduced to £550. You could also invoice him for the £550 which he can pay you back for using the money scrounged off given by other relatives!

Original poster
DontCallMePeanut · 04/06/2011 14:12

Thought as such. Grin Was worried I'd seem like Uber bitch if I went ahead with it.

OP posts:
ccpccp · 04/06/2011 14:12

Sounds like hes lost your money is a boilerroom scam.

Dont give him any more cash until you know 100% where the last lot went. Is it still there or is it gone.

expatinscotland · 04/06/2011 14:14

Send him a card. I wouldn't have asked what he wanted.

Never, ever 'loan' money to family or friends again. If you don't have it to give free and clear, practice saying 'no'.

thestringcheeseincident · 04/06/2011 14:14

I would do just that. surely he wouldn't expect you to give him cash when he owes you.

Wormshuffler · 04/06/2011 14:15

£50 quid on your Brother!! Wow, mine always got just a card and a bottle of plonk!

FakePlasticTrees · 04/06/2011 14:18

Rather than give him nothing when you would have given him a gift worth around £50, I would tell him you're knocking £50 off what he owes you. Also, at SIL's birthday and Christmas (assuming you've not had anything back by then) you could offer to knock another £50 off the bill each time.

Original poster
DontCallMePeanut · 04/06/2011 14:20

It was more of a physical favour (bought him, SIL and Dniece and DNephew flights out to Cyprus to see parents) He and SIL had asked the favour, and I'd mulled it over, before agreeing, when they said they'd pay me back by the end of March. At the time, SIL had been on maternity leave, so I was assuming it was when she as returning to work, or something like that.

They later said they were owed £32k, which was where they'd be paying me back from. Then, March came and went, and nothing. A few weeks ao, she told me it had been a shareholder trust fund, which was supposed to be paid out when she was 25, and apparently the companies she had shares in were refusing to pay out, on the basis of the recession.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 04/06/2011 14:21

Get him a card. Don't do them any more 'favours'. Just tell them you don't have the money. Or no.

LineRunner · 04/06/2011 14:30

I don't think it's a great idea for adults to feel obliged to buy each other anything more than token presents at birthdays and Christmas, and certainly not to give each other money. What the hell is the point? In a recession?

I wouldn't buy him anything other than a card and bottle of wine, and tell him you would like your £600 back while you're handing over your gift. "Well obviously it would have been crazy to give you money when you actually owe me so much and need to pay it back pretty sharpish, and I wouldn't want to make you feel awkward, so here's some lovely wine and let's say, money paid back by the end of the month? Fair? Super."

ShimmeryPixie · 04/06/2011 14:31

Wow, mine always got just a card and a bottle of plonk! Grin My brother and I just normally exchange an imaginary £10 note.

On the actual question - just tell him his debt is reduced by £50. He owes you and should, quite frankly, be happy to know that he owes you less.

ccpccp · 04/06/2011 14:32

I'm not sure companies can refuse to pay out if its all legitimate.

They probably advised not to cash in now as the stock market isnt great. So your BIL has elected to stay invested and you have to wait for your money.

If I were you I'd be asking for the stock market value of the trust now, and any growth of your 600 goes into your pocket when its finally cashed. But NOT if the value falls - you still get your 600.

Once thats negotiated you can start giving him presents again.

Original poster
DontCallMePeanut · 04/06/2011 14:33

Linerunner, can I borrow you to make the speech? Grin I'm a doormat terribe at coming out with witty things like that

OP posts:
Original poster
DontCallMePeanut · 04/06/2011 23:13

OK, I broached this with SIL, so it didn't come as a complete shock to DB on his birthday. Her replies?

"But he doesn't owe you the money, I do"... Erm... Not sure marriage works like that, and I distinctly remember buying him a ticket too.
Followed by
"DB said are you going to take the money for the card out of it too? You've really upset DB"...

Oh yeah. Cos I'm the fucking bitch in all this... Angry

And please, no "never loan to family" etc... I know that now, but damn me for trying to help after they've done so much for me since leaving xP.

OP posts:
horsemadgal · 04/06/2011 23:37

I'd just give him a card and a bottle of plonk. Don't reduce the money as very doubtful you will receive anything for your birthday from them. (Not that that is the reason you give but you know....!)

A1980 · 04/06/2011 23:42

How old is your DB?

I stopped giving my siblings presents years ago and they me. I can't be arsed anymore.

He isn't a teenager and doesn't need cash gifts anymore. Tell your DB he can repay you the rest of the money from the money he gets from others as gifts.

Original poster
DontCallMePeanut · 04/06/2011 23:46

He's 24, but very, very sulky. I think a lot of it is down to the fact we've ALWAYS done the presents thing. And after this year, it's definitely the last time. :/

OP posts:
A1980 · 04/06/2011 23:49

If he's old enough to be married he's old enough to pay his own way.

Sulky? Sounds like 24 months rather than years.

Original poster
DontCallMePeanut · 04/06/2011 23:54

Feels like it, atm. It really does. Last time I confronted him about the money he and SIL owe, he and SIL made me feel like the wicked witch of the west. Now it's more kind of waiting for them to pay me back, so I can cut ties with them, almost. It feels like they've been vile over this. :(

OP posts:
pigletmania · 04/06/2011 23:55

My goodness he sounds like a stroppy teenager not a 24 year old man. Just get him a token present and thats it. You should not be obliged to give a present if you don't want to, and considering the circumstances, I would not.

CointreauVersial · 04/06/2011 23:56

You need to separate the two issues IMO.

Buying him a card and a bottle of wine/a book/a tie for his birthday is nothing to do with the money wrangles you have with him.

Either you want to give him a little gift for his birthday because you love him and want to wish him a nice day.....or you don't. I can't imagine writing off a small amount of a debt as a birthday present, how soul-less.

Incidentally, my brother/SIL just get cards, because we decided a few years back to save our present money for his/our DCs.

pigletmania · 04/06/2011 23:57

I would forget about the money, as I have a feeling you won't be seeing it again. Just don't have much to do with them, and don't lend them any money again.

Morloth · 05/06/2011 00:53

Ouch, that is an expensive lesson. You know you are never seeing the money again don't you?

I wouldn't be buying presents for either of them, the kids certainly, but not them. If you want to maintain contact then send him a card and say happy birthday. He is an adult, he doesn't need presents for his birthday.

Money is poison when it comes to friends and family.

expatinscotland · 05/06/2011 00:59

Listen to Morloth. Expensive lesson to learn.

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