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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say I'm not giving DB money as a birthday present whilst he still owes me £600...

54 replies

DontCallMePeanut · 04/06/2011 13:41

Well? Am I?

I've almost given up hope of seeing that money again. Apparently, the money he and SIL were going to pay me back with is "tied up in shareholder based trust funds", which apparently, the people who the shares are with, are refusing to pay out Hmm

Anyway, It's DB's birthday in 2 weeks. When asked what he wanted for his birthday, SIL said he's asking everyone for money? WIBU to say I would have given him £50, but he can take it off what him and SIL owe me?

OP posts:
Original poster
DontCallMePeanut · 05/06/2011 01:04

Aye, very expensive lesson to learn. Wouldn't suprise me if he still finds a way to vilify me in all this, though. :(

OP posts:
Morloth · 05/06/2011 01:18

Doesn't matter, you know the truth.

You have been kind and generous and don't deserve that.

Remember that when the shit hits the fan.

mamas12 · 05/06/2011 01:20

does anyone else in the family know about his shinanigens.
Shame is a great thing. Just drop it into conversation, I'm just getting bro a card and a bottle of wine this time - can't afford anything more until he pays the money back he owes me.
Don't let him get away with this even though you may not get it back let everyone know he is the bad guy not you.

Original poster
DontCallMePeanut · 05/06/2011 01:24

Thanks, Morloth.

Mamas, DSis knows, but that's about it. She's pretty disgusted, but, hasn't said anything yet. Ironically, I'll be at my parents on his birthday, so will be interesting to hear any exchanges between them.

OP posts:
Morloth · 05/06/2011 01:27

Just take the high road Peanut anything you say will be taken the wrong way, so don't say anything.

My lesson was rather more expensive than yours unfortunately, but I learned it, and I learned it well.

Let it go, move on, don't talk about it, but never ever loan anyone money again. If you can't afford to hand it over free from any expectations, then don't. It sucks, but it is the way it has to be.

sausagesandmarmelade · 05/06/2011 09:15

Definitely deduct it from what he owes....

Some people have such cheek it's unbelievable...

and I would do the same for every christmas and future birthday until it's clear..

nannyl · 05/06/2011 09:46

YANBU

belgo · 05/06/2011 09:50

No don't deduct it from what he owes. He owes you 600 pounds, don't reduce that until he starts paying you back. People can't treat you like this and still expect 50 pounds as a present!

As others have said, a card and a token present for his birthday.

helpingout · 05/06/2011 09:54

Don't think about getting him anything but a card for his birthday. He's 24 not 4.

He should be trying his best to repay you. Even if that includes giving you his birthday money. £600 is a huge amount of money.

expatinscotland · 05/06/2011 09:58

Just a card. No present. No more money. No more nagging for it. It's gone, so turn off the tap. The includes presents. He brings it up, just keep answering, 'You know why'.

belgo · 05/06/2011 10:00

I have never bought my db as birthday presnet (except the occasional box oc belgium chocolates). We love and respect each other and we can show that without giving presents.

diddl · 05/06/2011 10:11

I also wouldn´t deduct it either, just give a card & possibly a small present.

Can´t believe adults fuss so much about bday presents tbh.

Both the buying & the receiving.

And 50 GBP-no wonder he takes the piss!

EricNorthmansMistress · 05/06/2011 10:24

God how weird! I've borrowed cash from all my brothers in the past, and always paid it back a little each month. Surely £50 a month won't break their bank?

Why are you communicating with the SIL anyway? You need to talk directly to your bro! £600 'tied up in shares' don't make me laugh. Unless they are living on benefits they can afford to pay you back. It's hardly £6k.

expatinscotland · 05/06/2011 10:27

Exactly, Eric. It goes to show he has no respect for his sister, he just sees her as an auto teller.

blackeyedsusan · 05/06/2011 10:37

just a card. and a quiet word with your parents to explain that you can not afford more until you are paid back. then they won't think you are the wrong in the wrong.

no more presents and no more loans...

McPie · 05/06/2011 10:38

I have 3 sisters and a brother, between myself and 2 of my sisters the 9th child is due to be induced on wednesday. If we bought for each other costs would be sky high so we only ever buy presents for the kids and exchange cards with the adults, same goes for christmas.
To ask for £50 is pretty cheeky imo especially when as a household they are due you £600. Present him with a card and a very small gift at your mums house and if he asks where his money is you ask where yours is.

diddl · 05/06/2011 17:46

I hope he gives you any money that he gets, OP.

DilysPrice · 05/06/2011 17:51

I'd give him a card and a certificate saying
UOMe 600 550 pounds.
Happy Birthday

dustwhatdust · 06/06/2011 11:07

I would just give him a card and if he mentions anything ( which is downright rude !) I would say :

I'm sorry, but we can't afford it at the moment '

Obviously no more lending in future , but i do think you are entitled to raise the subject in the near future and ask if they can start paying back the money in small installments.

If they start making excuses , then you are totally entitled to say you would not have let them have the money if you'd not expected to to be paid back ........ you can't afford it !

NunTheWiser · 06/06/2011 11:47

YANBU and your DB and DSIL are taking the piss. I doubt you'll see the money again.

Fecklessdizzy · 06/06/2011 12:10

Sadly I think you've seen the last of the cash ... I did the same thing with a mate ages ago, it buggered up the friendship and I never got paid back.

I'd get him a card and a bottle. £50 is taking the piss!

Pedallleur · 06/06/2011 12:14

Card full stop. You will never see the money unless they set up a DD into your account. Bet there house is kitted with nice appliances.Sky+. If they never pay you back it's a lesson learned, just move on and never loan anything again

Gingefringe · 06/06/2011 13:04

I think even a card is generous given the way they're treating you over this.
Inside the card include a personal loan application form from a high street bank - pre-filled with the appropiate amount so he can just hand it into the bank to arrange a proper loan (with interest etc) so he can repay you.

Seriously, I have learnt to my cost that family and loans don't mix. We lent £2k to our BIL 'for 6 weeks as they couldn't pay the childminder or the mortgage and couldnt afford food or petrol!' and which was meant to be paid back from an inheritance. Weeks turned into 10 months of gentle reminders and finally having to ask them for the money back. It was eventually repaid with no mention of a thanks and we were made to feel really awkward about the whole thing.

You never know - he may be asking other friends and family for money in order that he can start paying you back!!

Original poster
DontCallMePeanut · 14/06/2011 02:17

Just a quick update-type thingy. It's DB's birthday on Friday. Early Thursday I'm off to see my parents for 12 days, who, as of yet, are unaware of the situation.

I'm giving DB £10 in his card (I know, probably U of me) to save arguments. And then he and DSil get the choice of either they inform Mum of the situation there and then (over the phone... parents live too far away) or I inform them. I know DB is more terrified of Mum than he is of me. He's made that clear a million times before. I know it'lll give me a few days of "Well, I think you were really stupid" from Mum, but I know he'll be getting 12 days of grief when he heads out there on the tickets I paid for...

This iis based on some advice from DBF, who has told me that if her DS had her DD in this situation, or vice versa, she'd want to know about it. I know where she's coming from, and I know my mother would be in complete agreement with her. This is my last bid to get some kind of sense into him and DSil, before I cut contact with the exception of DNiece and DNephew's birthdays.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 14/06/2011 02:47

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