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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to ask what you really think of nurseries and their staff

383 replies

questioningmouse · 04/06/2011 13:15

honestly

OP posts:
shirleyshortcut · 04/06/2011 16:48

they are doing a job
your kid is their customer if you like
they dont love them, when they move on and the next kid comes along they just carry on doing their job. You and your family are the only ones who will love your child

thats the best case scenario

then you get those who take advantage of the fact that the kids cant complain about their treatment :(

thefirstMrsDeVere · 04/06/2011 16:48

3 of my five have gone to nursery so far but the youngest they started was two.

They have all loved it and thrived. I have no complaint about how any of them have been treated. My DC4 is in one at them moment and it is particularly affectionate. I like this.

I didnt send my DC3 to nursery because he had a very traumatic early life and I thought he needed to be with me. I had to send him to childcare for a few months and I choose a childminder rather than a nursery.

His circumstances were specific and I had to be very careful regarding disruptions and change.

I would be happy to send DC5 to nursery. Personally I prefer CM for babies.

BoffinMum · 04/06/2011 16:51

I think you can be very fond of the kids you look after. I certainly was. I felt a bit like an auntie and there were certainly lots of kisses and cuddles and taking time to find out about them. But not everyone is like that and sometimes it is even discouraged.

purepurple · 04/06/2011 16:56

I do get fond of the children I care for. It's hard not to when it's you they come to for a cuddle when they fall over or wake from a sleep. Or when they tell you that you are their best friend and invite you to go and live at their house. But I don't love them.
I would be very wary of any nn that claimed to love somebody else's children.

troisgarcons · 04/06/2011 17:05

I visit pupils on work placements and a lot choose to go to nurseries. Thank god I never used one.

Disaffected teenage girls, in the main, who probably cannot get a job anywhere else, with one senior member of staff on duty, ploughing through all the paperwork instead of being out and about.

One particularly horrified me, a convered, extended semi, with a room of what I can only call cages of stacked cots .... toddlers and babies were slotted into one of the berths for their nap, then the bars would be brought down. Four high and wall to wall - so utterly claustrophobic.

Back to the reason I never used a nursery - staff paid minimum wage - you get what you pay for, pay peanuts get monkies. My friends daughter worked in one so I first hand heard the horror stories about sadistic staff who would dip dummies in vinegar because they considered the child too old, the odd thwack when no-one as looking, the bullying (staff > children), the enforced sleep times and virtual force feeding.

And these places tick all the boxes for OFSTED.

lynehamrose · 04/06/2011 17:11

Your last paragraph shows that you are talking crap troisgarcons- the parents are NOT paying peanuts- nurseries are an expensive form of childcare, so parents are not going to pay if they're not happy. The parents pay way more than the wages of staff - didnt you realise? I cant imagine many parents paying for their children to be put to bed in cages lol
Oh go on- now you're going to tell me the parents knew nothing about this and you're some undercover agent...

purepurple · 04/06/2011 17:14

troisgarcons while I have no idea what your friend's daughter saw "My friends daughter worked in one so I first hand heard the horror stories about sadistic staff who would dip dummies in vinegar because they considered the child too old, the odd thwack when no-one as looking, the bullying (staff > children), the enforced sleep times and virtual force feeding" I have to say that in 20 years I have never seen any of this.
We don't even have vinegar in our nursery.

Laquitar · 04/06/2011 17:22

lynehamrose nurseries are not expensive form of childcare, it is often the cheapest option for many parents. And it doesn't matter how much you pay, often community nurseries are better than those with glossy brochures.

TandB · 04/06/2011 17:23

I find it really odd that, when it comes to nurseries, some people are apparently utterly incapable of understanding something very basic - you get good and bad nurseries.

My son is at a wonderful nursery. It is not staffed by "disaffected teenage girls", nor is there bullying going on. I know people with children at several different nurseries and all of them are happy with the standard of care. I only know one child who has been removed from a nursery as her parents weren't happy with it and it was a nursery that I had heard bad things about from other sources.

In almost every other area of dicussion on MN, people seem to have a basic grasp of the concept that anecdotes do not constitute evidence of a general truth. But when it comes to nurseries people are quite happy to announce that all nurseries are bad because their cousin's daughter's sister's dog once visited one, or because they just mysteriously know.

Very odd.

sleepingsowell · 04/06/2011 17:34

Nurseries are not about love, no matter how good they are.

I believed that my son needed to spend his most formative pre school years in an environment where he was loved unconditionally. It was/is a strongly held belief which we made sacfrices to make happen for us.

I won't ever regret it.

lynehamrose · 04/06/2011 17:41

I want my children to spend their entire childhood in an environment where they are loved unconditionally. And they are. Thankfully most of us see that whether children are at school/nursery/ childminder/ playing with a friend along the road, the majority of their time is spent at home; and all children know who the most important people in their lives are Smile

sleepingsowell · 04/06/2011 17:52

pre school days are vitally formative and are long days when you're tiny. It's very adult-centric to brush off days being spent with other people who don't love you as not mattering because you're at home at other times.

It's not what I believe but each to their own lyneham - I am very glad about what I did for my son and I'm sure you are too. Each to their own.

Mishy1234 · 04/06/2011 17:53

I love our nursery and the staff are fantastic. The nursery staff are fabulous and the situation is the best it possibly can be. I prefer to know that there are several people there rather than just one person, as with a childminder or nanny.

That's how I feel about our nursery, but how I feel about childcare outside the home is a different matter (as in not a parent). I don't believe that being cared for by someone other than a parent is the best thing for a child under 3. If I had a choice DS would have been home with me until at least 3 (he started at 16 months) and then nursery for a couple of mornings until school. That isn't possible financially and I have done my best to minimise his time away from me. He is dropped off at 10 (by DH) and collected at 4 (by me). He spends 1 day with my MIL who is fabulous. I co-sleep and continued to bf DS1 until just over 3 and will do the same for DS2.

DS2 will go in Oct when he's 16 months and I hate myself for it. Nothing I can do about though, unless I can my career completely and take way all their chances for the future (money will be needed for education, university etc).

Mishy1234 · 04/06/2011 17:57

DS goes 2 days to nursery and 1 to PIL.

millie30 · 04/06/2011 17:58

My DS is at a fabulous nursery. I'm sure you get good and bad ones, but I viewed a few and chose the one which I felt best suited his needs. I didn't like the idea of different rooms because my DS has a significant speech difficulty and I was worried that if he was only with children from his own age group he might be left out because he couldn't communicate with them. He is also a creature of habit, and would possibly get distressed when it was time to move onto the next room.

So I chose a small open plan nursery where children and babies of all ages are together and he loves it. The owner works there everyday and has her own child there too, and the other staff are all very caring. My DS runs and gives them a cuddle when he arrives and doesn't even give me a backwards glance anymore! I'm sure they don't love him, why would they? But they are very fond of him and kind and affectionate, and that is all i could ask for.

lynehamrose · 04/06/2011 18:02

Who said anything about not certain days 'not mattering' sleeping? I certainly didn't! It is vitally important to dh and me that when our ds's aren't with us, they are happy, secure and stimulated. They are now both school age, and so have spent time with us, with their childminder, with relatives, friends... I don't see how any of this conflicts with your implication that a child who isn't velcroed to its parents for the arbitrary number of which constitutes 'pre- school' (varies from anywhere between about 3 and 7 depending on where you live) is somehow not getting the real deal.

CelebratedMonkey · 04/06/2011 18:03

Nurseries and their staff just differ from place to place. The one we chose is a chain but it has many members of staff who've been there for years and there is low turnover. The key worker for my son (in the baby room) has been there for 11 years and is a grandmother. She's excellent with the babies, unlikely to move on, and her experience is such that I'm not too bothered what her qualifications are. Their love for the kids is plain to see. My son is happy at drop-off and pick-up and whenever I've had to go in early for whatever reason.

I actually wanted to choose a childminder as my son needed childcare a few days a week from when he was 9 months old, but I couldn't find one close to me without a cat or a dog (I have allergies - don't know about him yet!). Instead I checked out the nursery, found I liked it, and so far he seems to be doing great there.

babybythesea · 04/06/2011 18:07

Love the nursery dd is at. The staff are great, they do some lovely activities, and it provides a bit more variety for dd than I would do at home. She enjoys going there - I get 'nursery lots fun Mummy' so she clearly has a good time.
Standards vary. Check local nurseries out. But if you find a good one, it's great. And FWIW, dd went to a child minder initially. Didn't work nearly so well. She went off happily enough the first couple of times and then got really upset by it all, and never really adjusted. This is despite being in a home environment with just one other child. Nursery was stressful the second time (the first time she didn't realise I would be leaving her in this fun new place, the second time she knew and wasn't happy.) By the fourth visit, she was begging me to go so she could play.

sleepingsowell · 04/06/2011 18:15

lyneham, if you read my post you may note I carefully said it's what I wanted for MY ds. You then came along and said that you wanted your children to spend ALL their childhoods in an unconditionally loving environment and that they spend 'most' of their time at home. By saying that, you are saying that the time at nursery somehow doesn't even matter or have any effect whatsoever. A child who goes to nursery (or CM, or school) does not spend their ENTIRE childhood in an unconditionally loving environment. Yet you say that they are, completely ignoring the actual reality that they are not!

My point is, for MY son, I wanted him home in his pre school years because I felt for him that I wanted that loving environment all the time.

whackamole · 04/06/2011 18:24

My boys are in nursery for 3 full days a week. They love it, have a ball, and it allows me to go to work.

The staff are great, and truly love my boys!

I did go and see a couple more, and one recently where they didn't even call me back when I put a query in. Couldn't be bothered pursuing it, they clearly didn't want the custom.

reallytired · 04/06/2011 18:30

DD nursery is very good. My son went to a different nursery which was also good.

There are good nurseries and bad nurseries. There are good and bad childminders. I briefly used one outstanding childminder, but my son prefered nursery. He was four at the time and didn't like being with a 20 month old baby and a 10 month old.. We also had a experience of a truely dire childminder. I think its shocking that someone can become a childminder with no qualifications.

Personally I prefer nurseries to child minders. I think that a good nursery can offer a lot to a small child. It is difficult keeping a toddler entertained when you have the washing, school runs and a range of ages of children to look after.

lynehamrose · 04/06/2011 18:33

Read my post. I said that any child who goes to school/friends houses/ nursery or a million and one other places is not spending every waking moment in an environment where they are unconditionally loved. However, part of becoming a well adjusted and resilient person is being able to function happily in various environments. And seeing as the vast majority of time for any child is spent with its parents, and seeing as children know who their parents are, and have a unique bond with them, wheres the problem

sleepingsowell · 04/06/2011 18:42

lyneham, I read your post and told you what I made of it.

I have only been talking about what I felt best for MY son, clearly this has threatened you somehow and your responses have been defensive and chippy!

each to their own my dear old thing, I have never implied anything about anyone else, I have spoken about what I wanted for MY son - and now I am off to Dr Who with him Smile

LordOfTheFlies · 04/06/2011 18:45

My two went to a private nursery,long waiting lists and very near to A+E (never had to use it but just in case.DD was nearly whisked there when she had a ?allergic reaction but was fine)
I liked the idea that they were with children their own age and were on site,unless out for a trip( they went swimming, to nearby shops to choose a treat and days out) At a childminder they may be taken on school run daily and different age children.
Staff were pretty mixed ages,young,late 20s and a few older who had there own DCs, so each one brought there own ideas but parents were asked their views and kept up to date.
Routine was good for my two.Set meals,play,nap,quiet time.
They loved the tiny toilets!
Only qualm I had was when DD was bitten and they wouldn't tell me which child had done it.I wasn't going to say anything to child/parent but I could tell DD to stay clear.
And at the end of the day they come home with me and I'm their mumGrin

lynehamrose · 04/06/2011 18:48

Not at All- if anything is chippy, its popping onto a thread about nurseries just to tell us that you wouldn't use one because no nursery on earth is good enough for your child !