to tell DH I do not like him going out clubbing every Friday...?

[upsydaisy007]

This will be a long story if you can be bothered reading.... had a huge fight with DH the other day. He is nearly 40 and we have 2 DCs of 4 and almost 1 and a third one on the way (unplanned, due to DH being careless with protection and taking chances after I have been working and am on mat leave now but have been told I may not have my job back, so all in all feeling a bit insecure at the moment
So the other day.. all started with him saying is if one moved to such and such town then one would not be able to go out with friends every Friday like he does... to which I said I do not think these outings are appropriate for family men. They go out drinking on Friday after work to a bar and then go to a dancing place until at least midnight, and last week tried to get into one of London's pretty established nightclubs but decided not to wait in the line {too lazy ha-ha}. In general, why would married guys go out to nightclubs where the main purpose is really to meet people of the opposite sex???? (Or am I being crazy?) Otherwise why would you pay to enter and buy the overpriced drinks? For the fun of it he says! Moreover he pretty much never tells me about what they did and what they talked about (even though I always ask) so everything I find out is from other friends' wives or the guys themselves, which makes me dislike it even more so!
He said I have a sick impression of partying and can never have fun and this is why I never go out! Got quite upset about it naturally It's true I rarely go out but this is because he is not bothered to do much with me as he seems to be happier going out with "just the boys". On the weekend we usually see people in our house or go somewhere but always during the day as in the evening you of course have to get the kids to sleep or pay the babysitter... so the opportunities for grown-up entertainment are scarce. I could go out with friends but do not have too many (I am not British) and most of them are out with DHs on Sat nights.. We used to do more stuff together (we have different tastes though when it comes to entertainment), having kids did not help and about 2 years ago he found this new group of friends through one of his old uni mates and little by little occasional outings with them turned into a weekly ritual. Couple of these friends are single and from what I hear (from other people!) nearly every outing ends up with one of them picking up a girl. Which he says is not true! Naturally I get pretty suspicious about it but never really raised it until last week and got this really aggressive response. And could not even talk this through with him as he got moody and said I offended him by accusing him of being a cheater when he is only trying to have some innocent fun with his mates. Am I right to be suspicious? What should I do?
P.S. please try not to say "he is a sexist pig you have to leave him" as this is exactly what I am thinking now in the heat of the moment and it is not helping...

erm, you sound like you dont know him at al!!

clubbing isn't just about meeting people of teh opposite sex. people go to see friends, have a drink, a laugh. let their hair down and dance liek an idiot. if you really think he was going to meet women, why teh hell are you only addressing this now?? i don't get it.

He goes clubbing every Friday night with his mates? He has 2 kids and a third on the way?

I'm . I don't think this is normal behaviour. He sounds like he has serious issues with accepting the life he now has.

Just to give you an idea of other people's lives: we have 2 DCs (3 and 1). My DH comes home every Friday night, and we either go out together (if we have a babysitter) or we stay in and have a bottle of wine or something. On a Wednesday he plays football and goes out for a pint or two afterwards with his friends. He's always home by 10-ish. He occasionally will go out for a big night (friend's birthday or stag). I do the same.

I think your DH is strange and I don't know where I would start if I were you. Maybe you should suggest that Saturday nights will be your night and you and all your mates are going clubbing every saturday from now on?

I hate to tell you, but he doesn't sound like he is being faithful either...

and so what if his single friends are picking up women? they are nothing to do with you!!

and booyhoo I don't think you are helping. Does your DH do this too?

I support my DH going out with friends, don't mind him dancing etc. BUT I wouldn't want it to be every Friday, especially if I had to stay home the rest of the time. It sounds like you are drifting apart and might need to address some deeper rooted issues?

littleonemum, i am posting my opinion based on what the OP has posted, it may not be your opinion but if OP only wants one kind of answer then she is posting in the wrong place.

i dont have a DH.

Fair enough booyhoo . I just thought your tone was aggressive, like this was OP's fault.

I'd be telling him I'd be going out every Saturday night then if he insisted on doing that. Bet he wouldn't like it quite so much if you stayed out past midnight while getting pissed and going to dancing clubs!
If he can why can't you?

So do you get to go out and have time to socialise with friends - or to go to the gym/see a film, just sit in a cafe with a book? If not, then your H is being selfish expecting to have all the leisure time available in the household for himself.
Having said that, you do sound a bit martyred. Going for a drink and dancing in a club is fun for a lot of people and doesn't necessarily involved being on the pull (and if the single men in your H's group of friends flirt or cop off, that is none of your business: they are single and can do what they like).
Has your H form for infidelity or inappropriate behaviour? If not, then you need to trust him: being constantly accused of infidelity when you are not being unfaithful often leads to infidelity.
I think your first priority needs to be sorting out a social life for yourself - no point in trying to go along to clubs with your H if you hate clubbing. Taking up a hobby of some sort is also a good way to make friends. BUt make sure your H understands that if he is entitled to nights out so are you.

like what was the OP's fault?

I think YAB a bit U. Why shouldn't he go out? Your trust issues need addressing, but just because he's going out doesn't mean he's automatically going to cheat on you.

YANBU for wishing he'd take you out sometimes though.

Me thinks the man protests too much!

I see no problem with going out clubbing itself. My DP goes round his mates or to the pub every friday night unless I have plans (rare now, 38 weeks pg). But if your DH is going out every single friday night, coming in at all hours and not wanting to do things as a family at weekend due to a hangover or coz he's now skint then there's a problem, imo. I'd expect a compromise if that was the case.

YABU in your perception of clubs. Some people go to drink, dance, spend time with friends. I have never gone to a club with the intention of 'pulling'. What your DH's friends do there is no business of yours. Your DH is entitled to friends and a social life outside of the family.

However, going out every week yet never wanting to do anything with you is a bit much. And if he expects to go out but you to stay at home all the time then he needs a kick in the bollocks. You need to find your own social life, take up a hobby and make friends.

I would suggest some kind of compromise is needed between you and your DH. 2 nights out each per month with friends, 2 nights together. If babysitters are difficult then you can always buy wine and a takeaway and watch a film.

I think he needs to grow up.

OP, this is NOT common with British men. He sounds like a man-child.

He should embrace family life and have an early night on Friday and take the kids swimming or to ballet or to football on Saturday morning.

P.S. please try not to say "he is a sexist pig you have to leave him"

Errr why would anyone say that just because you're DH is having a few drinks with friends?

I could understand if he was out until 3am or 4am every weekend..that might get a bit much, but relaxing with a few mates until Midnight? It's hardly the crime of the century.

Chill out, we all need a release

Going to club does not mean one has the sole intention of 'pulling'. I like clubbing as I like dancing like a twat when I've had a bit to drink, I've no interest in any guys other than my hubby.
I think he has the right to have the hump, however he is BU to go out every Friday.

Oh and all the questioning of what he does, what he talks about with his friends is too much. You need to take a step back and have a think about if you really do trust him, if you are a bit envious of his social life or if you are a bit controlling.

I would hardly call going out until midnight "clubbing" upsydaisy007! Does it impact on the rest of your weekend though? because that wouldn't be on.

I'm also not really sure how you can blame your unplaned pregnancy on your DH "due to DH being careless with protection and taking chances after" ????!!!!

I would make it a priority to get some outside interests of your own and also to do get babysitters and go out and have fun with DH.

Errr why would anyone say that just because you're DH is having a few drinks with friends?

Hahahahahaha! Because this is MN!

Oh I meant to ask how the unplanned pregnancy was your DH's fault too OP?

Good point Toby! Let's all marry this man and leave the Bastard simultaneously!

Oh I guess I was stereotyping about nightclubs a bit too much here [shy] thanks to all for opinions and advice! I did actually ask DH during the talk if he'd be ok to stay with kids while I go out to a bar with my friends on a Saturday and got no response. ?
Really, I do not think he is cheating or has been. I do think there are more opportunities and temptations in a nightclub than in a restaurant or theatre but that's just probabilities isn't it. And most blokes do not like theatre :) He likes talking about hot women though which drives me mad being pregnant especially! I am just annoyed we don't do many evening things together and DH prefers the boys club while i dont go out that much. Which I will be trying to change as I can see it's getting pretty unhealthy. Of course we have movie nights in but I have to say I'm getting a bit tired of this entertainment after 3 years..
BTW my husband isnot British either :) and in his defence I can say he does not really get that drunk which would be a totally different story! Makes me feel better about him already :)