to tell DH I do not like him going out clubbing every Friday...?

[upsydaisy007]

This will be a long story if you can be bothered reading.... had a huge fight with DH the other day. He is nearly 40 and we have 2 DCs of 4 and almost 1 and a third one on the way (unplanned, due to DH being careless with protection and taking chances after I have been working and am on mat leave now but have been told I may not have my job back, so all in all feeling a bit insecure at the moment
So the other day.. all started with him saying is if one moved to such and such town then one would not be able to go out with friends every Friday like he does... to which I said I do not think these outings are appropriate for family men. They go out drinking on Friday after work to a bar and then go to a dancing place until at least midnight, and last week tried to get into one of London's pretty established nightclubs but decided not to wait in the line {too lazy ha-ha}. In general, why would married guys go out to nightclubs where the main purpose is really to meet people of the opposite sex???? (Or am I being crazy?) Otherwise why would you pay to enter and buy the overpriced drinks? For the fun of it he says! Moreover he pretty much never tells me about what they did and what they talked about (even though I always ask) so everything I find out is from other friends' wives or the guys themselves, which makes me dislike it even more so!
He said I have a sick impression of partying and can never have fun and this is why I never go out! Got quite upset about it naturally It's true I rarely go out but this is because he is not bothered to do much with me as he seems to be happier going out with "just the boys". On the weekend we usually see people in our house or go somewhere but always during the day as in the evening you of course have to get the kids to sleep or pay the babysitter... so the opportunities for grown-up entertainment are scarce. I could go out with friends but do not have too many (I am not British) and most of them are out with DHs on Sat nights.. We used to do more stuff together (we have different tastes though when it comes to entertainment), having kids did not help and about 2 years ago he found this new group of friends through one of his old uni mates and little by little occasional outings with them turned into a weekly ritual. Couple of these friends are single and from what I hear (from other people!) nearly every outing ends up with one of them picking up a girl. Which he says is not true! Naturally I get pretty suspicious about it but never really raised it until last week and got this really aggressive response. And could not even talk this through with him as he got moody and said I offended him by accusing him of being a cheater when he is only trying to have some innocent fun with his mates. Am I right to be suspicious? What should I do?
P.S. please try not to say "he is a sexist pig you have to leave him" as this is exactly what I am thinking now in the heat of the moment and it is not helping...

ahh OK if he would not be perfectly happy with you behaving in the same way (when not pregnant obv) then it is not fair at all!

Couple of questions about baby 3 ... I am not blaming him and pretty happy to have another one although a bit too soon , ideally wanted to wait to give #2 chances to grow up a bit. My DH you see didnot believe you can get preg before you ever had a period after a baby so thought it was ok to finish with no condom ... And once that happened I thought what are the chances that would be it so didnotdothe morning after thing... Well we both were wrong! :o

upsy Forgive me if I am wrong here but were you previously upsydaisy1974??

Is this the same guy who joined a dating website, who also sent kinky text messages from his phone to another phone in your name?

Or do I have you mixed up with someone else?

i go out clubbing once a week with my mates drinking etc some of them are single does this mean my oh should be worried that i am doing this to have sex with the men i meet there or because i havent matured enough and havent excepted my life. i go out once a week to see my friends and to let my hair down, to remind my self there is more to me than just a mum/wife/student. dont husbands deserve the same. going out once a week is hardly a shooting offence.
you obviously dont trust you husband and thats different, to be honest if he is going to cheat it more likely to be with someone he knows at work or something who he can moan to about how insane you are at times.

Can I ask what not being British has to do with any of this?

Sorry if I'm being thick, but I can't see a connection?

OP did you create this thread a few months ago?

Or this one?

You still don't trust the man do you?

No I did not create any other threads and I did not have other nicks
someone said this behaviour is not very British well this is because he isn't ! :)
I get it that I should increase my trust :) probably should get though the insecurity phase first with the loss of a job and an unexpected preg first. [shy]

And DH is between jobs at the moment so cannot cheat with someone from work! :)

Ok, like I said, forgive me if I am wrong

I used to go in nightclubs when I was a teenager/20's and early 30's. So did my husband.

We grew out of it. Became less tolerant of sticking to claggy carpets and drunken idiots pushing their way past.

I could see my husband or I going to a nightclub as a one off every now and again, but not every weekend, without fail. We enjoy each others company at home.

I think it's time your H grew up. Let's face it you can't have a real good chat with mates in a nightclub with music that loud. You can in a normal pub.

YANBU.

I go out drinking with my friends every week mostly for a night. I dont see the problem I am a socialable person and its not to pull. It doesnt effect how I am in the day and its just a bit of fun as long as he can still do everything the next day I wouldnt have a problem with this at all.

He is between jobs in an unstable job market and he pisses his money up against the wall every friday night? he needs go grow a pair and take responsibility for his family

What I find depressing is this idea that ones you have DC you should never have any fun ever again and your life should either consist of visting theme parks with DC or watching the television. There is nothing wrong with going clubbing, having a few drinks and jumping about to your favourite music. It's not something you should have to grow out of.

Nightclubs are for single people and youngsters.

I love dancing but I'm 46 and way to old for clubs.

Full of married men looking for a one night fuck!

If not married men then young single men who don't want to be out seeing people old enough to be their parents.

About time your partner grew up.

ummmm fabby i am a woman and not single as are my friends and we go clubbing regularly, so how are clubs full of men looking for a one time fuck. i think you veiw of clubbing is a tad skewed and dare i say it old fashioned.

This is only a problem if your husband is tired and hungover the next day and he can't do things a father should do with DC. Take them to swimming, soccer etc. Otherwise, let him have his fun. Why don't you plan some nights out of your own?

That said, I feel myself to be too old for nightclubs now... I feel ancient in them and it's just not my scene anymore. And i'm only 32!

Ah, the oldest swinger in town! (I'd be tempted to start singing that to him OP, but then I'm a bit facetious). From where I see it, you are right to be concerned even if nothing has happened yet, because I would see it as displaying warning signs that he might want to cheat. And since you are about to have a third child with him, it is good to be wary about these things.

What would worry me is that this behaviour started two years ago, it coincides with him meeting a new group of friends, you aren't included, he doesn't talk to you about it, and its weekly. Although to be fair, he can't be doing much clubbing if he leaves at midnight, it seems he is actually going proper clubbing now? No, theres nothing wrong with clubbing and while most people do grow out of it, its not compulsary. I once saw an ex boyfriend out clubbing with his dad, who is in his 60's, not an edifying sight.

Beyond agreeing with you that its annoying and worrying behaviour in the father of your children, I don't know what to add.

ewww 40?! and out clubbing every friday night? That means he is that guy the creepy old one who dances like he thinks he's cool while flashing his old cell phone and making you feel ever so slightly violated just by his presence. YANBU

I dont get people who say they dont want to spend 1 evening/night away from their husbands. Arent you with them the other 6 nights a week and all day at the weekends. I am thats why I dont think its weird going out on 1 night.

Clubbing isnt that expensive either it usually costs me 20 quid and thats with taxis and food, and I get hammered

YABU

He goes out ONCE a week until MIDNIGHT, not 3,4,5 am

As others have said, clubs aren't just for pulling... If that was the case then it would be filled with single people. They are for drinking, dancing, banter. HAVING FUN!

As for asking what they talked about, that makes you sound a bit crazy. Its none of your business what they talked about. Yeah sure ask how his night was or if anything exciting happened, but thats it.

All couple are different, but the important thing is to respect each others wishes, treat each other as you would like to be treated, always be honest and to be willing to compromise.

If your may not have a job after your baby, and your dh is not working, , his spending money each week seems irresponsible to me.
That money all adds up. Is that all they ever do is go drinking?

Could you invite these friends over to visit at your home once in a while instead? And go out as a couple once in a while? Plus your girls nights, his boys night, and your at home together nights.
It should not really be him all the time, going to bars with the boys all the time.

You need companionship and to relax out as well.
Plus, there is more fun to be had than going to bars. All sorts of stuff that groups of friends can do.

All this bar/alcohol stuff is asking for trouble I think. Possibly projecting my own feelings there, as I am not a fan of alcohol anyways, have seen it abused too much and caused too many problems for too many people.

Especially when one partner is feeling neglected, that is not fair.

Fabby you sound like my mother 'these kind of places are not for married people with children...' get a grip, I went to a nightclub last weekend and managed not to cheat

I think the root of it is that the OP needs a few nights out herself and then she would feel better. It' not right for the man in a relationship to have all the leisure time and never take care of the DC by himself so the woman gets a break. People forget that it's time to yourself that keeps a relationship healthy, much more than these artificial 'date nights', which do nothing for a relationship that is already struggling due to the man's selfishness - 'date nights' are what's often recommended when the woman is tired, resentful and disinclined to have sex, though the problem is almost always that the man is not pulling his weight with the housework and DC so the woman feels like his servant. Date nights in that sort of situation mean the man takes the woman to a restaurant and is talkign about the sex he's going to have on her later before she's even finished her starter. Women, particularly mothers of small DC who are SAHM, need time to themselves more than anything else, time to pursue a hobby, see friends, and remember that they are people not just adjuncts to other people's lives - A's mum, B's wife.