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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

being upset by my husband demolishing part of my restaurant meal today.

142 replies

snowaddict · 30/05/2011 21:19

I had been looking forward all weekend to going to my favourite pub/restaurant.

This afternoon when my meal arrived - a very neatly constructed dome of fragrant rice etc etc. - I commented straight away on how lovely the meal looked and before my eyes he demolished the rice dome in seconds.

It was not just that he spoilt the look of the dish. He know how I had been looking forward to it.

I had been quite chatty before he did this. When I asked him why he had spoilt it he said he was sick of hearing me go on about the rice.

I felt I did'nt want to eat it anymore and felt upset he just kept saying its only rice. But that's not the point.

I'm so upset with him. He just does'nt get it. I would not dream of doing something like that to him.

Am I being too sensitive - He says I should just forget about it move on.

OP posts:

OldMacEIEIO · 31/05/2011 12:06

tennantsgirl - you may be right, it may have been an excuse rather than a reason.
my bet is on the latter - maybe the OP can come in at this point and tell us more

wubblybubbly · 31/05/2011 12:08

I can see that it can be read that way, but like I say, I've got form on this, so I'm prepared to see it from another point of view, unless the OP confirms he is generally a nasty fecker.

Perhaps they just have a mismatched sense of humour? I am (I hope ) a genuinely nice and caring person usually, but I do think I would find this hilariously funny - with the above disclaimer.

madonnawhore · 31/05/2011 12:08

"But if you find the object of your affections is nodding off after two hours of you discussing the finer points of cross stitching, its time to change the subject, eh?"

Of course, but how do you change the subject? With a passive aggressive act of malice, like OP's H; or in a respectful, adult way?

mummylin2495 · 31/05/2011 12:10

Everyone knows that part of having a lovely meal is how it is presented.Who on earth can really enjoy a meal which was then messed up ? What a mean thing to do.You should of tipped the rest of it over his head quick smart !

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 31/05/2011 12:11

I would actually bang your heads together.

Only on MN would someone sticking their fork into a pile of rice because someone else didn't stop banging on about it actually be an indication of latent domestic abuse.

rubyrubyruby · 31/05/2011 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 31/05/2011 12:13

Wubbly - if I'm right, the OP has said on this thread that her dp has 'form' for being nasty and controlling. At 21:36:46 on monday, she said she knows he is a knob and he has a track record of behaviour like this.

Also - if he was doing it as a joke, surely he would have apologised when he saw that she was genuinely upset by what he'd done, rather than angrily justifying it, and possibly tried to make amends in some way. Jokes do misfire or go wrong, but if they do, the joker should realise they've caused actual upset, and be sorry - and he didn't.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 31/05/2011 12:15

Dickiedavis - the point is not the pile of rice, but the nastiness of deliberately messing up something that was making the OP happy and giving her pleasure.

Deliberately and maliciously destroying something that is making your dp feel happy isn't an indicator of a healthy relationship, is it?? Even if the thing destroyed is something small and ephemeral.

SarahBumBarer · 31/05/2011 12:15

He took steps to reduce a simple pleasure that you were getting out of something. He got nothing out of it other than to eliminate your enjoyment.

It's not "just rice" it's nasty.

wubblybubbly · 31/05/2011 12:20

I saw that too SDTG, that's why I said those disclaimery type things. If he's an arse, it could be the straw that broke the camels back, of course.

It's just hard to see this incident (for me anyway) as anything other than side splittingly funny, when taken in isolation.

What are going to do OP?

FlamingFannyDrawers · 31/05/2011 12:21

Sounds like the type of thing that happens between my kids at the dinner table on a daily basis. I blame the restaurant for serving the dome of rice. They should have brought it to the table in a foil dish.

In all seriousness, i think you need to address the real problems with him. This sort of behaviour (him destroying the rice and you going in a sulk) is not normal adult behaviour ime.

Original poster

snowaddict · 31/05/2011 12:23

madonnawhore you also hit the nail on the head.

'I am irritated by your enthusiasm for something, therefore I am going to sabotage the object of your enthusiasm in a really petty, small way in order to spoil your enjoyment. Because the way I feel about it is more important than the way you feel about it'.

Yes, it's the spoiling the experience and happy atmosphere part of it I'm struggling with. Why. Why waste the time and money.

It's the lack of respect and inmaturity I'm struggling with most I suppose. I can get over a spoilt visit to a restaurant.

We have been married a long long time. Over 20 years. Some couples grow and mature together over the years. Some men just grow older and more immature. I suppose I've got one of those. Great.

OP posts:

wubblybubbly · 31/05/2011 12:28

OP, do you honestly think he did it out of malice or out of a clumsy, misplaced attempt at humour?

Do you think his actual intention was to spoil your enjoyment or to make you laugh?

Misplaced or not, I could easily forgive the latter. If you really feel that he, on a regular basis, sets out to spoil your pleasure in life then I couldn't stay with him. I wouldn't. Life is far too short.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 31/05/2011 12:40

My DH did something similar once. I had just got ready for bed and was sat down plumping my pillows to within an inch of their life so they were all nice a fluffy.
I gently lay them down so they would retain their maximum plumpness, turned round to toe my slippers off and BAM My wonderful, darling, darling husband sunk his head into my lovingly plumped up pillows with an over the top sigh.

He now sleeps under the patio...

2rebecca · 31/05/2011 12:45

That would just lead me to give him a playful punch though as pillows can be replumped and it's more a playful thing to do than a nasty thing.
Destroying a rice tower just because you like it is just nasty though. I also wouldn't be impressed if someone took a bite from my burger before I had tried it or before I had said they could like someone earlier.
She had the option of ordering a big mac and chose not to.
I don't mind sharing my food if we agree to do so before the food arrives but hate people who help themselves to others food. That's rude and selfish.

takethisonehereforastart · 31/05/2011 12:57

She didn't say she had been talking about rice all week, she said she had been looking forward to going to the restaurant all weekend.

And even at the restaurant, she says she was chatty, not chatting solely about the rice.

And she wasn't put off her meal because it looked messy, she was put off because his annoyance at her talking too much led him to behave in a weirdly childish and spiteful way that she has said is not unusual for him. Who would want to eat with someone who was so obviously resentful of the pleasure you were taking in the meal?

So she talked a bit too much about something he has no interest in. I'm sure everybody does it about something and it's no reason to mess up the thing that made them happy or spoil the occasion they had been looking forward to.

supercal · 31/05/2011 13:21

OP, although you have been back to the thread several times, why aren't you replying to questions about other ways in which your DH treats you? You agree that ricegate was him deliberately destroying your pleasure in life, but you haven't provided any other examples of that.

In your last post it seems to be his immaturity that bothers you most, rather than his desire to put you down and show you lack of respect.

People's defence of your being upset by this is going to look a bit thin if you can't provide more of a back story

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