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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

being upset by my husband demolishing part of my restaurant meal today.

142 replies

snowaddict · 30/05/2011 21:19

I had been looking forward all weekend to going to my favourite pub/restaurant.

This afternoon when my meal arrived - a very neatly constructed dome of fragrant rice etc etc. - I commented straight away on how lovely the meal looked and before my eyes he demolished the rice dome in seconds.

It was not just that he spoilt the look of the dish. He know how I had been looking forward to it.

I had been quite chatty before he did this. When I asked him why he had spoilt it he said he was sick of hearing me go on about the rice.

I felt I did'nt want to eat it anymore and felt upset he just kept saying its only rice. But that's not the point.

I'm so upset with him. He just does'nt get it. I would not dream of doing something like that to him.

Am I being too sensitive - He says I should just forget about it move on.

OP posts:
JeremyKylesPetProject · 30/05/2011 21:56

Are you sure it wasn't a joke/prank that he now bitterly regrets? Have you given him chance to apologise?

RitaBix · 30/05/2011 21:57

Kick him in the bollocks and when he complains just tell him to forget it and move on
And tell him everybody on MN thinks he is an arse

Pandemoniaa · 30/05/2011 21:59

Like others have said, it's context. So no, unless I knew more about the OP's relationship with her husband I wouldn't automatically suggest this incident is a red flag.

But regardless of context I still think anyone who mucks about with the food on someone else's plate deserves to get a good forking.

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 30/05/2011 22:00

Yep you are missing something sandyballs. The OP's DH deliberately ruined something she was looking forward to and spoilt the evening by his behaviour (and not for the first time by the sounds of her second post). The fact that it was rice is irrelevant.

It's a red flag because people who are considerate of other people's feelings and respect them, don't behave like that and deliberately spoil a happy moment for them.

Agree with HerHissyness.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/05/2011 22:02

Pandemoniaa... YY... and a squirt in the eye with the lemon slice from your drink. Grin

ifancyashandy · 30/05/2011 22:03

I would hate someone doing this to my food. Would take it as such a symbol of a) 'shut the f* up' and b) (if appropriate - and I've been in a relationship where it was) 'I'm SO pissed off / jealous that you find joy in something other than me (like the Venus Fly Trap lady ^^ there).

If I found myself in such a situation again, I be out of there.

MissBeehiving · 30/05/2011 22:04

Why would you want to interfere with someone elses food? Confused

If it was was for a larf, then it's a twatty thing to do.

If it was to upset the OP, then he's a twat.

wubblybubbly · 30/05/2011 22:07

Sorry but my DH and I have a had a really good laugh over this thread. Mind you, we once nearly divorced over a bourbon biscuit/tea dipping incident, so we're probably not qualified to comment Grin

FakePlasticTrees · 30/05/2011 22:08

I'd dated a twat like this. Tit for tat might stop him for a short while from actually doing something like distroying your rice tower in the future, but he'll find someother way to squeeze the joy out of your life in a non-food way.

Really though, I now wouldn't waste my life on a man who doesn't like to see the woman he loves being happy, even if it's just nice rice that does that.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 30/05/2011 22:08

If he's like this in a public place, what is he like in private?

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 30/05/2011 22:12

He's either an immature fuckwit, a spiteful fuckwit or a gormless fuckwit. The fuckwit bit's a definite.

And 'un-ladylike'??????????????? To be enthusiastic about food? Because we should all just nibble at our food like delicate little birds, making sure to always leave some because we are such tiny things that the whole plateful would just overwhelm our fragile feminine tummies.

PumpkinBones · 30/05/2011 22:21

I had been quite chatty before he did this. When I asked him why he had spoilt it he said he was sick of hearing me go on about the rice.

Everyone who is saying the OP is overreacting - look at what her DH said - he wasn't taken aback, sorry, I thought it would be funny, etc - he did it to make her shut up. That's the red flag people are referring to IMO.

ClaireDeLoon · 30/05/2011 22:21

I'm also in shock at the unladylike comment. Also 'How much were you going on about it? A dome of rice is a dome of rice, not the Sistine Chapel. He must have been really pissed off.'

MN'ers remain ladylike at all times and remember not to say anything that may piss off your man.

HerHissyness · 30/05/2011 22:30

Ok so I am bitter old cynic, I have earned that title.

There is a HUGE difference in Me and my hubby have this in-joke kind of thing where we eat what the other one likes, and it's all a bit of a hoot and the kind of arse that bins a burger just cos you asked for a bite, that smashed a rice tower just because it pleased you, or who tore out a plant you had always wanted, just because he could. just because he knew that to destroy something you liked would really hurt.

Some people are that horrific that they can't bear to see someone else happy, they have to crush it.

Actually, the worst thing about it, IS the very fact that it's so unimportant. So pathetic that even though they know it'll upset you on some level, you can never, ever have a go at them about it, because It's only rice/a plant/a burger FFS, get a FFing grip!

So if this resonates with anyone? fabulous; hope it makes you question what kind of fuckwit you are with.

If it doesn't, then I am delighted to hear that you are lucky enough to live with a normal human being. My heartfelt and true congratulations, it gives hope to those of us who have not been so fortunate. Grin

alizee · 30/05/2011 22:30

It's not about the friggin rice is it? it was very childish. if anyone had done something like that to me i would have probably poured his drink on his head and left the restaurant.

takethisonehereforastart · 30/05/2011 22:31

He could have just asked you to stop talking about the rice, rather than sit there brooding about it and working out the best way to spoil it for you.

YANBU, he is. If his intentions were mean rather than thoughtless then I'm not surprised it spoilt your meal. It's not the rice that put you off but the fact that he was mean and spiteful. Who would want to eat with someone who had just deliberately behaved like that for no good reason?

Morloth · 30/05/2011 22:36

It isn't so much what he did but why he did it really.

He quite clearly doesn't like you very much.

I go on about stupid things, DH will take the piss some times but he loves me so generally just indulges me.

ClaireDeLoon · 30/05/2011 22:38

Well said HerHissyness, just to reiterate:

'So if this resonates with anyone? fabulous; hope it makes you question what kind of fuckwit you are with. '

Too many here think shitty behaviour is ok.

ohmyfucksy · 30/05/2011 22:42

My DH is genuinely happy whenever I find something that gives me pleasure, even if it is completely daft.

Goofymum · 30/05/2011 22:42

His behaviour sounds really nasty and very childish. Instead of loving the fact that you were getting so enthusiastic over a meal he chose to spoil it for you. Is this a one off or has he deliberately spoilt things before?

wubblybubbly · 30/05/2011 22:43

If he's a twat, he's a twat and spoiling a dome of rice isn't really the issue.

I was the dunker in The Bourbon Incident. DH was deeply uspet, I was incredulous that he would get so upset by a random act of silliness.

However, we averted the divorce by talking it through and, of course, a sincere promise on my behalf to Never Dunk In His Tea again.

LoopyLoopsBettyBoops · 30/05/2011 22:44

Reg flag for me too, for the following reasons:

Spiteful
Controlling
Angry
Childish
Not wanting you to experience pleasure
Bitterness
Inability to explain without acting

I wouldn't be with a man who did such a thing.

YesterdaysPants · 30/05/2011 22:45

Leave him. You deserve better x

QuintessentialOldMoo · 30/05/2011 22:46

He demolished the perfectly shaped dome of rice? He ruined the LOOK of your food??

What an idiot. Presentation is everything. Whether it is food, clothing, your house.... etc.

And how mean, to ruin something because you enjoy it.

atswimtwolengths · 30/05/2011 22:49

Once again on Mumsnet, I'm amazed at what people call normal behaviour.

Of course he was in the wrong! I wouldn't have stayed for the meal. It's nothing to do with the rice, it's that he knew she was looking forward to it and he destroyed it. Of course the red flags should be flying.

If he'd teased her and pretended to do it, just moving his fork near it, then yes, that could be funny and it wouldn't put her off her food. But just to virtually stamp on it - that's awful.