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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

being upset by my husband demolishing part of my restaurant meal today.

142 replies

snowaddict · 30/05/2011 21:19

I had been looking forward all weekend to going to my favourite pub/restaurant.

This afternoon when my meal arrived - a very neatly constructed dome of fragrant rice etc etc. - I commented straight away on how lovely the meal looked and before my eyes he demolished the rice dome in seconds.

It was not just that he spoilt the look of the dish. He know how I had been looking forward to it.

I had been quite chatty before he did this. When I asked him why he had spoilt it he said he was sick of hearing me go on about the rice.

I felt I did'nt want to eat it anymore and felt upset he just kept saying its only rice. But that's not the point.

I'm so upset with him. He just does'nt get it. I would not dream of doing something like that to him.

Am I being too sensitive - He says I should just forget about it move on.

OP posts:
MonstaMunch · 31/05/2011 11:34

He didn't do it as a joke, he did it to be deliberately mean.

how do you know, we havent heard his side of the story yet :) He may well have a mental health issue that means he cannot bear piled up rice and the OP knew this and ordered that dish "to be deliberately mean"

Original poster
snowaddict · 31/05/2011 11:36

Thankyou for that stayingdavid you hit the nail on the head.

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 31/05/2011 11:36

Exactly, madonnawhore and DavidTennantsGirl.

OldMacEIEIO · 31/05/2011 11:37

Maybe we can see that Madonna. maybe we also see that the poor guy was bored sh1tless by her

atswimtwolengths · 31/05/2011 11:37

OK well here's something - have you ever thought 'what would so-and-so do?' when you're stuck on something?

What would Pagwatch's husband do? Would he ruin her rice? Answer, please, Pagwatch!

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 31/05/2011 11:40

OldMac - regardless of whether he was bored, it does NOT give him the right to do something so spiteful - I cannot understand why anyone would think it does!!

madonnawhore · 31/05/2011 11:40

Yeah right Monsta, maybe he has a rice phobia. Maybe rice, and only rice, tips him over the edge into uncontrollable spasms of malice, and all the rest of the time he's a lovely bloke.

That's much more likely.

OldMacEIEIO · 31/05/2011 11:42

everyone agrees he shouldnt have done it. but the reason is there in the OP

  • she was driving him bonkers
ledkr · 31/05/2011 11:45

dome of rice phobia yep that was featured heavily when i did my rmn training Grin

madonnawhore · 31/05/2011 11:46

OldMac, even, giving the OP's H the (massive) benefit of the doubt, and let's say he was just bored by OP, destroying her food on purpose is still unbelievably bad manners and childish behaviour, whichever way you look at it.

If you're bored by your partner's fixation on something, the mature response is not to destroy the object of that fixation.

Would you do that to your partner? Mine is a bit of a mountain bike bore, but I would never go and slash his tyres to shut him up from going on about it.

OP's H's behaviour seems really contemptuous to me, regardless of the strength of the provocation.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 31/05/2011 11:48

I am not sure where you get that she was driving him bonkers, OldMac - she has not said she was going on and on and on about it - she said she commented on how nice it looked - and he immediately destroyed it.

When she says that she had previously been very chatty, she isn't saying that she had just been chatting about the rice, or even about how much she was looking forward to the meal - I think she was being chatty as in she was talking about all sorts of topics, because she was happy and enjoying the occasion - and after his nastiness, she no longer felt happy, and hence stopped being chatty.

And even if she was driving him bonkers, it STILL doesn't excuse such a piece of petty nastiness from him. Really it doesn't. It was terrible table manners, and showed zero lack of respect for her, the restaurant or the effort put in by the chefs. It was unacceptable.

OldMacEIEIO · 31/05/2011 11:49

madonna, he didnt destroy the rice, just disfigured it a bit.

To use your analogy, you wouldnt slash your DP tyres, just tinkle his bell when he gets into top gear

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 31/05/2011 11:50

It's not about the rice, it's about the random act of petty spitefullness which shows that he thinks little of you. Or at least thinks he has the right to dictate what you like/talk about. If I was talking to DH and he did something odd and spiteful to get me to shut up, I'd be hurt and pissed off too. Maybe the rice incident will lead you to consider what you want from a relationship, OP. Everyone deserves respect.

OldMacEIEIO · 31/05/2011 11:52

tennant girl - try to read the op please

'When I asked him why he had spoilt it he said he was sick of hearing me go on about the rice'

thats a big clue - no?

lets be clear - he should NOT have done what he did
but there is the reason right there

MissBeehiving · 31/05/2011 11:52

She couldn't have been going on about it for that long anyway - food arrrives - oh look at the pretty rice, that looks delicious - twat squashes it before OP gets a chance to taste it. So about 30 seconds?

Ephiny · 31/05/2011 11:52

What a very odd, infantile thing to do Shock. I wonder how on earth this man even got a wife in the first place if he thinks this is appropriate behaviour when going out for dinner! Has he never learned any table manners or how to behave in social situations? Would be interested to hear more about his 'track record'...

OldMacEIEIO · 31/05/2011 11:56

missbeehiving
If she hadnt been banging on about it all week, I will apologise and show my bum out of the window

madonnawhore · 31/05/2011 11:56

OldMac, I would never do that either. Because the rationale for that kind of behaviour is:

'I am irritated by your enthusiasm for something, therefore I am going to sabotage the object of your enthusiasm in a really petty, small way in order to spoil your enjoyment. Because the way I feel about it is more important than the way you feel about it'.

I think anyone who thinks that is ok is a pretty miserable person and a nasty piece of work.

TobyLerone · 31/05/2011 11:56

You both sound pretty childish, tbh.

Him for knocking your rice over, you for saying you didn't want to eat it afterwards because he'd spoilt it.

I can't even believe I just typed that Hmm

olderyetwider · 31/05/2011 11:59

What a nasty thing to do. Is he like this in other ways?

wubblybubbly · 31/05/2011 12:01

OP, does this man generally denigrate things that matter to you? Is he usually intent on spoiling your fun, controlling your thoughts and actions? If so, he's a twat, leave him.

On the other hand, if he just took his fork and mussed up your rice a bit 'cos he thought it would be a funny way of saying 'you really are a bit obsessed over this rice' then it's not a none issue, but not really a divorce matter either.

I often get uncontrollable urges to do something totally daft - well almost uncontrollable because I mostly don't give in to them, but I do sometimes. I cartwheeled all the way down the office once, doesn't everyone?

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 31/05/2011 12:02

OldMac - it sounds as if he is shitty enough that the OP mentioning the rice even once or twice would have counted as 'going on about it'. Please note that he said she was going on about it - she didn't. So I suspect it was an excuse, not a reason.

As I said earlier, part of the joy of going out for a nice meal is the lovely presentation and the effort that has gone into it - so mashing down the pile of rice is a bigger deal than it might appear, as far as I am concerned.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 31/05/2011 12:03

Wubbly - the clear impression I get from the OP's op and her subsequent posts is that he mashed the dome of rice purely to be nasty, and in no way as a joke (not that I'd find it funny if someone did that to my food in a restaurant).

OldMacEIEIO · 31/05/2011 12:04

Madonna - most of us take a vicarious pleasure in other peoples happiness, and thats fine. But if you find the object of your affections is nodding off after two hours of you discussing the finer points of cross stitching, its time to change the subject, eh?

MIFLAW · 31/05/2011 12:06

Two parts to the story.

  1. he mocked your pleasure about something he saw as pointless - tbh, I don't get it myself when people bang on about food and it annoys me a bit. A certain amount of gentle mockery (which this was NOT, I feel) may be acceptable.

  2. Whatever I did or said, if someone interfered with my food on my plate they might well get a fork through their hand if my reactions were at their peak. My plate = my business = fuck off.

HTH.