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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

being upset by my husband demolishing part of my restaurant meal today.

142 replies

snowaddict · 30/05/2011 21:19

I had been looking forward all weekend to going to my favourite pub/restaurant.

This afternoon when my meal arrived - a very neatly constructed dome of fragrant rice etc etc. - I commented straight away on how lovely the meal looked and before my eyes he demolished the rice dome in seconds.

It was not just that he spoilt the look of the dish. He know how I had been looking forward to it.

I had been quite chatty before he did this. When I asked him why he had spoilt it he said he was sick of hearing me go on about the rice.

I felt I did'nt want to eat it anymore and felt upset he just kept saying its only rice. But that's not the point.

I'm so upset with him. He just does'nt get it. I would not dream of doing something like that to him.

Am I being too sensitive - He says I should just forget about it move on.

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 30/05/2011 22:49

And by the way, I love the look and smell of a dome of fragrant rice. It's not unreasonable to love that!

squashycreech · 30/05/2011 22:50

Like others have said, think it depends on the spirit in which it was intended. Some people could do this and it would be funny, some people could do it in a way that was totally mean-spirited. Totally depends on context and your relationship. It sounds here as if he did it deliberately to be horrible and knows that you're not the sort of person who finds that funny.

Thinking about it, if I said I liked how my food looked and someone then smeared it around the plate...yeah, I'd take that as a sign of aggressiveness and/or disrespect. It might "only" be rice, but it's something you've said you liked. Why ruin that for someone?

Don't think you should get your own back though. I think you should explain to him that you're upset and say exactly why and give him an example of similar behaviour that might upset him. If it doesn't get through and he does it again, walk out.

LoopyLoopsBettyBoops · 30/05/2011 22:50

Also totally shocked at those who can't see how nasty this is, how hurtful it must be to have the man who supposedly loves you destroy something simply because you like it. Accept that kind of behaviour and lose all self respect.

tyler80 · 30/05/2011 22:50

I'm amazed too atswimtwolengths but for the opposite reasons to you.

But then I also love smashing sandcastles on the beach!

LoopyLoopsBettyBoops · 30/05/2011 22:51

EVIL ^^ Shock

atswimtwolengths · 30/05/2011 23:31

If you saw someone had built a sandcastle and was really happy with it, tyler and you saw them placing that final shell on it, would you smash it down?

OldMacEIEIO · 30/05/2011 23:41

Well obviously he shouldn't have wrecked your rice dome, but maybe you shouldn't have bored the leg off him for the whole week prior

MalkieFraser · 30/05/2011 23:45

Whenever I used to complain about a bashed cake or broken biscuit my grannie would say "it'll be bashed where it's gaun". I think if op's dh had destroyed a permanent structure, like a personal possession then it would be more upsetting, but the fact that it's a dome of rice, well, I find it hard to see the abuse in it.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 30/05/2011 23:51

It ain't just rice, it's posh tower rice Wink

ScrotalPantomime · 30/05/2011 23:59

To me, it is a big deal purely because the OP feels it was a big deal. If it was just a joke, she wouldn't have posted about it surely. Only the OP knows what he's like normally, and only she was there to interpret his behaviour. I am quite happy to take her word for it!

Anyway it's totally dysfunctional to deliberately spoil something for another person. That's the kind of thing my 3yo already knows FFS it's basic kindness!

FWIW DH and I tease each other for enjoying particular - mostly geeky - things. If I was ribbiting on about a fabulous meal he'd look at me, head to one side, smile, and say "you're precious" :) in an 'Awww bless' kind of way. And I'd do the same when he gets all excited about yet another Agatha Christie snoozefest on telly. He wouldn't mess up my food, and I wouldn't turn off the TV or talk over it - you just don't DO that to someone you love. If you love someone you want them to be happy, no matter how frivolous or annoying the cause seems to you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/05/2011 00:32

"When I asked him why he had spoilt it he said he was sick of hearing me go on about the rice." So - he did it to shut you up. Nice.

"He has a track record - I should know better really. It was not really just what he did it was how it completely spoilt the outing. What was the point." The point was, to make you feel bad.

YANBU. AndI think you need to think deeply about what his 'track record' is and what it means.

Oh, and everything that HerHissyness said.

atswimtwolengths · 31/05/2011 10:20

The more I think about this, the more I'd be inclined to leave him.

BsshBossh · 31/05/2011 10:26

Um, there is obviously much more to this story than a silly DH demolishing a DW's meal and a DW thinking of a tit-for-tat revenge act. So, OP, what else is going on between the two of you?

MonstaMunch · 31/05/2011 10:30

Hmm leave the abusive bastard

he is obviously gaslighting/stonewalling/insert new word of the day

Confused

frankly I would leave you OP if you made such a fuss about trivia!! Poor bloke is obviously a saint at the end of his tether with your wittering :)

cat64 · 31/05/2011 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

YesterdaysPants · 31/05/2011 10:46

cat I'm pretty sure many posters are taking the piss re leaving him. Someone posted 'are you 12?' which is the most rational response to the OP's hysterics!

BsshBossh · 31/05/2011 10:49

cat64, I too am stunned at the OP's reaction to her DH demolishing a mound of rice - it's silly behaviour, of course, but her reaction is OTT if that is all she has to complain about. That's why there must be something more to this story (and she has said that there is more).

Original poster
snowaddict · 31/05/2011 10:54

Thanks for all your comments. I'm surprised about how this situation reasonates with people.

Still not really talking. I'm just really really pissed off with him now.

He knows that this time he has gone too far - its not just about the rice anymore - it never was really.

Like I say what was the point in driving half an hour - sitting there for half an hour waiting for our order and then doing that.

Now I have time to reflect. I don't want to ruin anything of his or spoil his fun. It's not my way. I'm not mean spirited in any way and hate the thought of anyone who does that sort of thing - it upsets me.

OP posts:
ScrotalPantomime · 31/05/2011 11:02

So what else is going on OP?

ensure · 31/05/2011 11:06

He sounds like a petty big baby mean wanker.
:(

Rannaldini · 31/05/2011 11:08

This thread has shown the best of MN today...

OP there is some reason why this action caused you so much ire. You need to find that.
On face value you were going on and on about rice...he messed it up. Big deal.
For some reason it was a big deal to you.
So I'd be asking myself if I were you, why has that annoyed me so much?what did his knocking over the rice mean to me? Did it feel like he was disrespecting you? Only you can know.

Examine what happened and how you thought and felt at the time..then speak to him

From what we know from this OP and that is all we can go on, it sounds as though you totally over reacted, sulked and then spoiled a day out. To then state that your next plan is to try to spoil something of his won't make the situation better in anyway.

ledkr · 31/05/2011 11:20

haha do you do most of the cooking at home op? I would serve every meal for the next 6 months all squashed in disarray on the plate that will learn him

ZacharyQuack · 31/05/2011 11:26

No, serve every meal piled up in a wee sandcastle. With a flag on top.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 31/05/2011 11:28

If I go out for a special meal, I look forward to it. I know that the chefs are going to make far more of an effort at presentation than dh and I do at home, and that is all part of the experience, as far as I am concerned - it helps make the occasion special. And yes, I might well comment on the presentation of the food, in an admiring and appreciative way - and enjoy the fact that we were eating somewhere where we would be served delicious food, beautifully presented. As far as I am concerned, that is just appreciating the effort that the chefs have gone to.

IMO it was pure nastiness to do what the OP's dp did - and shockingly bad manners too. And I can see what others are saying here about 'red flags' - she was happy and enjoying something, and he destroyed it, and thus her enjoyment and happiness, on purpose. It doesn't matter that it was a very small thing that was giving her enjoyment and happiness, the sheer viciousness involved in the destruction of her happiness is the same.

OP - I hope that you will feel a bit better soon - and I am sending you a {{{hug}}}.

madonnawhore · 31/05/2011 11:31

Am really Confused at how some people on this thread are spectacularly missing the point.

It's not about rice, it's about OP's H being spiteful towards her. He didn't do it as a joke, he did it to be deliberately mean.

It's never ok for someone to be deliberately mean and spiteful, even if the method of that meanness and spitefulness is destroying a mound of rice.

People are being obtuse by getting hung up on the fact it was 'only rice'. Like the OP isn't allowed to be upset because it's such a petty thing.

Well that's the point, it's petty on purpose so that the OP seems unreasonable when she gets upset. But his motive was to deliberately upset OP, which is shitty.

Can't understand why some people can't see this.