To want to throttle women who talk their kids in REALLY LOUD VOICES

[bbird1]

in public for no apparent reason. It's just bloody annoying. Just pipe down ffs!

This loudness is really quite commonplace now. I don't ever remember it being so loud and pronounced when I was young. My Mum would always 'shush' me if I was loud in public and when she wanted to speak to me, would get down at my level and talk. It really wasnt the 'done' thing to be loud in public. Some parents really are 'attention seeking' and like nothing better than an adult audience to seek approval from. The performance really isn't done for the child.

I understand what some of the posters are saying re: SEN children but I'm just curious why if the child can hear, why does the talking need to be loud? How do you expect people around you, sharing the space with you, to know that you need to speak at that volume?

We all encroach on each other's space so much these days and that's part of the problem. I suppose that if we do need to act outside 'the norm', ie. shout for a 45 minute journey, then a little consideraton for others with perhaps an explanation would prevent the tutting and comments. It's commonsense.

Loud, slow and clear helped my son focus on me.
He heard all sounds and voices equally, in the same way that when he walked into a room, all things were noticed at an equal level of importance.

In fact LyingWitchInTheWardrobe, your post just reminded me of how much harder his life got when everyone started using mobile phones everywhere. With loud voices.

Thanks goblin.

Someone I know does that loud parenting thing all the time. And she looks round at others when she says things to try and get a reaction from them. She is a competitive parent and so this is all part of the competitivity "Look what a FANTASTIC parent I am. I really really ENGAGE with my child"

On the other hand, if people are next to people talking very loudly in an enclosed space and having to be a captive audience in, for example, a train carriage, it's unsurprising if they're unhappy about having their personal space invaded by raised voices for the entire journey, especially if they don't know why it might be necessary from the child's point of view.

justabout... I wouldn't have thought detail was necessary, just a simple, "My child has special needs, I need to speak loudly to him/her, I'm sorry". I can't thnk that anyone would tut at that. Because of the 'performance parents', which certainly exist, that moniker is applied across the board, unfairly in some cases.

I do think that if everybody had a little consideration for everybody else, there would be fewer upsets. Everybody has the right so a public space.

goblinchild... YY re: the mobile phones. Everybody has them now and the volume can be horrendous.

Dear god. Started writing a response awhile back and then got to page 8.

Bbird that is just possibly one of the bitchiest and most ignorant comments I have read in a long while. And to top it off then berylperil decides to wade in agreeing obviously not having read why people are putting the OP down for basically what in some circs means judging mums of dc with SENs.

Fearne - your first post was so sad. It actually made me think if I was a person on that train, while I wouldn't have said anything I probably would have stifled a giggle . I'm sorry - reminds me I need to be a lot less judgey in RL.

Oh, and Goblinchild is right about mobile phones. People don't even observe the rules about these in the quiet carriage...

I wa sin Sainsbury's earlier and there was a woman talking REALLY loudly to her two children. Lots of people were watching because it was so loud.

LyingWitch: you have no idea how even that simple statement can affect teh morale of a child who is trying their best, and coping as best they can.

my dd (severely ASD) has been known to be affected by statements liek that - and a long time ago too, when she was non-verbal (and untestable for receptive language too).

she doe snot need to be undermined, and have it pointed out to all and sundry that she s not NT, cannot cope easily, needs extra help etc.

not when all we are doing is going about our life - yes, with a running commentary on all that we do. yes, possibly pointing out some htings to her that would make other parents and judge away. but just day to day life nonetheless.

it is no one else's business at all what we do/say/how we behave.

if it is impacting on someone else (which I try my best not to, as most people do, surely?) - then a simple "could you be a little quieter, please?" suffices, no?

ther eis absolutely no need for the sheer bitchiness and judgements that goes on all the time.

I'm a REALLY LOUD parent. I remember strolling down a crowded street to hospital, saying "mummy's just going to GO TO THE LOO, and then WASH HER HANDS, and then we'll all go in THE LIFT to SEE YOUR AUNT...."

It was about that point that I remembered my DC were 100 miles away

So it's better that your intelligent daughter realises that people are cross (and she perceives it at her)? Then she sees that you're upset.

I didn't realise that the statement would be undermining or insulting to a child. Would an intelligent child not realise that he/she needs a little help sometimes?

People aren't going to stop judging, you only have to see the success of AIBU as a board to see that. I don't have an SN child but if I did, I'd have to try and think of a way to either buffer the comments/tuts from my child or find a way to let people know, or accept that to fit in with a bitchy populace, my volume needs to be within 'normal'.

I'm not being judgemental of anybody, I couldn't care less if you were noisey near me but other people obviously do mind and it's how to get past that.

jeee Did they hear you?

firstly, not me with the intelligent daughter.

well, I mean, she is , but not me specifically mentioning intelligence.

try to see it form dd1's pov.

she is severely autistic. has a big language delay/disorder.

she sees lots of other children around her, including her (younger) sister just doing stuff, nd gettign it right. she tries her best - but she is already coping with: weird lights at the shops, lots of noise, too many people, the produce having been moved about, maybe there aren't any strawberries today and she wanted ot buy some, no bread when we get to the bread aisle, sold out of her favourite sausages, which means we have to have somethign else entirely for tea - these and a million other things are what she is already coping with (and what she already struggles to cope with - rememebr, she is severely disabled)

what she doesn't need on top of all that - which she is managing to keep togehte,r albeit barely - is also me saying "oh yes, she needs extra help all the time". totally undermining her confidence in how well she was coping.

she doesn't need to be thinking that, however hard she tries, it is always obviou to everyone else that she cannot cope, that she needs extra help, that she cannot get anything right by herself, that everyone else can and she must be so much worse at this because no one needs to say that about her sister, or about her cousin, or about the little girl at the next till over etc etc.

can't you see how disconcerting and potentially embarrassing that would be? don't you have even an ounce of humanity?

or maybe, I could just expect the adults in the situaiton to take a step back, actually think for once, and put 2 and 2 together without me having to spell out all of dd1's differences? maybe I oculd rely on the adults to not assume the worst about me (that I am an over-parenting, loud twat), and try to think about why I might be doign what I am doing. maybe I could rely on the adults in the situation to be the understadnign ones.

oh no.

that's right.

I need to get my 6 year old, with an already impaired view and understadnign of the world to man up, take it on the chin, and accept that she needs ot tell evetyone around her that she has difficulty coping sometimes. that she needs ot have it spelt out to everyone around her that she isn't quite clever enough, or good enough, or quick enough to understand things.

what a lovely world we live in

The posturing parent thing does exist.
I know because I used to do it with ds1 until a) I realised I was being a massive knobber and b) ds1 vomited in my mouth mid performance.

There is a woman at school who does it
" come here darling. I know you are exhausted but we need to be back home soon so you can have supper before you do your violin practice and we have that new poetry book to whizz through before bed. If we have time we could start translating it from the original japanese. I don't want you overtired for the Tate tomorrow. You can have olives and elderflower cordial in the land rover...."

But I would not assume that noisy parenting is boasting/performance. Ds2 needs things very loud slow and clear. I have occasionally been doomed to 20 mins in a small space saying " yes tomorrow, virgin plane to Barbados.yes that's right, you can have window seat upstairs. Yes, that's right, may is holiday house Spain" with people around wanting to throw shit at me.

I tend not to judge people I don't know because it happens to me.

It's the only world we have, silverfrog, and everybody thinks they have an equal stake in it whereby they don't always make allowances where they should.

It's no good stamping your feet and saying how you think it should be - some days you might be lucky, others not. You've posted on the thread that people judge you and your child so it's a problem to you. You have limited options but none of those are to bend people around you to your will.

I have plenty of humanity, thank you.

To all those posting about special needs kids and completely missing the point/sentiment of this thread, please just fuck off and post somewhere else and stop putting stories up about your kids who, at the end of the day, dont get ANY SAY in whether or not they are being discussed in a public forum.

Lyingwitch what sort of situations should parents be explaining to people why they are speaking in a certain way to their children? I don't really understand what you are saying. Are you suggesting that eg in a supermarket, parents should be explaining and apologising to everyone all the time? Everyone who looks in their direction? I'm not sure what you are getting at.

Err, it's a parenting forum.

Do you think people shouldn't post about their children. Because that would be weird

no footstamping going on here.

yes, I have posted saying that people have probably judged me as a loud, pretentious parent.

I posted to point out why it might be being done, not to say that it was a problem for me.

one of your responses was to ask why [posters like me] couldn't just point out why we were doing that. when that was explained, you said you didn't think it woudl be undermining for a child to have their faults and issues spelt out in detail each time they go to the shops.

which is what led to my rant.

yes, the world is what it is.

no, I won't be explaining my dd to all and sundry.

yes, I will carry on with my lovely poncey talk of Fairtrade bananas and organic houmous, and no nasty haribo (don't have much choice there - dd1 will supply it all for me if I don't!)

and yes, I will continue to get a mixture of judgemental twats and understanding people around me. makes no difference to me.

but explaining it all on here may well have made a difference to some of the levels of judginess that go on.

I mean people here are talking about supermarkets, the post office, walking down the road, that sort of thing. You can't seriously be suggesting that parents approach strangers everywhere they go and say "My child has special needs, I need to speak loudly to him/her, I'm sorry".

Apart from anything else, it would be pretty awful to have to apologise constantly for simply going about your business, don't you think?