DH told me infront of ILs to use my brain

[barbie007]

DH told me in front of ILs that I should do something with my brain.....why not a year of postgraduate law conversion? Or get into finance and earn lots of money? I used to be a schoolteacher so why does he think I want to be a lawyer or a banker now?

I've been a SAHM for 10 years and I love it. I use my brain all the time and it p**s me off that he thinks I don't. We don't need an extra wage btw. I've not spoken to him for the last few hours and when he asked if I could help with dinner tonight (we were only having cheese toasties!) I told him to use his brain and work it out.

carrie,it is bh,and my wee one is ill

so is mine, she sleeping on the sofa and its raining!

typical bank holiday huh!

but surely you could look at something a bit cheerier, more often

its cold and windy
wee one ill, aye smashing day off work

did i mention the rain?

Interestingly, we were looking though DH's old photo albums this morning, and there are pics of his exGF in there. She wanted him to move to the UK, he didn't want to, so they split up. Then he met me, and just a few years down the line, he moved to the UK quite happily. I asked why he was willing to do that for me, when it was a deal-breaker for him previously. He said that things would never have worked out with his ex because she had no ambition.

Perhaps the OP's DH fell in love with a women with drive, ambition and a good future ahead of her, and that was part of what he fell in love with. Now, all these years later, she's abandoned ambitions of her own, and he's wondering why.

Though I will say again, his time and place for raising the subject really sucked and if he hasn't apologised yet, he really should.

scottishmummy - other people choose to take their children to school and collect them, to attend school events, to be available to go on school trips, to not have to worry about work if the children are sick/have an inset day, to spend time with them in the school holidays & not put them at a childminder/kidsclub, to take them to activities after school, to do the housework/ironing/shopping while they're at school so that after school and weekends are family time & to do all of this without impacting on their DH's job.

Why is your way the only way? Why do you see someone with school age children as not contributing to the family because they aren't in paid work?

Not everyone would agree with working and putting children in nursery - but they'd support your decision to do so - why are you so anti other people making a different decision?

You keep saying she could do a little part time job (earning a very low wage), but he is suggesting she retrains in law or finance - now that she's not needed at home 24/7 It is laughable. Going into either of those things would be extremely difficult to do at her age (even if she wanted to, which she doesn't) and who does he think is going to do all of the other stuff - the fairies?? He's not going to be taking care of the kids, taking time off if they're sick, doing the school run, organising childcare in the holidays etc etc

Annie - this is why people say their marriage vows. Because people change as they get older, and because circumstances change. Priorities change.

The OP's dh expected her to give up her career when it suited him. And that was fine, and it seems to have worked out. But now he has changed his mind, and sprung it on the OP, in front of the in laws.

I am a working Mum (3 ds's 15, 13, 4). My youngest goes to breakfast club and wrapround care until 5.30pm. The older two are latchkey kids. Sometimes they want to go swimming after school - they can't, i'm working. Today is sports day, I can't go, I have a meeting. If they are really ill I have to stay off and that causes a real problem at work. If they are moderatly ill then it's calpol or ibuprofen, out the door and hope for the best. After school activities are a nightmare and generally just don't happen. Housework, swimming lessons etc all have to be squashed into the weekend. I am constantly tired and grumpy. Sadly we don't earn enough for holidays abroad even if I could get time off work to fit in with school holidays - or should I keep them off school. This is not what I pictured being a mother would be like and not what I wanted for my dc's but it's how it is.

Op could go back to work and she too could do this but financially she doesn't need to.I can't see why anyone would want to.

I agree that people change, belgo. I'm very different to who I was when I met DH. I'm just suggesting another angle for the OP to consider and possibly discuss with her DH.

I have 4 kids of school age (7-14) and am a working parent as is my DP. After my youngest son was born I had a 3 year hiatus from working - including his reception year, and it was wonderful - not just for me but for all of us.

When I was a SAHM I had the time and energy to do all the house stuff on my own, I wasn't battling with grinding exhaustion, during the great flu outbreak of 2008 I didn't have to worry about taking time off work to look after sick kids (even school age...secondary school age kids... can get sick and need looking after) and both DP and I had more energy to enjoy our time together.

With both of us juggling work/home/kids/life sometimes we feel like we are on a hamster wheel. If DP got a letter in the post tomorrow telling him that he'd got a 30K pay rise then I'd give up work like a shot and he'd be very happy for me to do so. And ditto for him if I suddenly started earning shitloads of cash.

I think I'm a less interesting person than when I was a SAHM. I had the time and energy then to have interests and stuff.

Nervously poking head above battlements...

My DS will be starting school in September. OH earns enough for all bills plus treats. I am not qualified in anything and couldn't earn enough to pay for nursery/childminder. We are not eligible for any benefits. Now DS will be in school I am reassessing my position.

The big worry I have is that I have absolutely no back up care. I do not have any relatives or neighbours that could take DS should he be ill. I cannot imagine being able to keep a job when I have to keep taking time off should DS be poorly etc. I have no idea where to start about things like holidays.

OH is not in a position where he could help.

Can anyone point me in the best place to look for ideas on where to start?

Also the doctor is muttering about me having ME, I am permanently in pain, so I can't do physical jobs easily. This narrows down my options. Can some kind person point me to parts of mumsnet that can give me some pointers.

wannabesybil - we have no back up care. DP's parents are not in good health so at anytime his 'free' time can be taken up by hospital visits etc... My folks work full time and live far away.

It's very hard TBH.

Alistron1 - thank you, I don't expect it to be easy, but the pressure for a SAHM to work is so hard, and as I only have one child it should be easy. I have a great deal of respect for anyone who manages it. I would be doing all housework/organisation/child related stuff.

To add to the mix, my father (only surviving grandparent of DS) has just moved in with us, he is eighty in a few months, and while incredibly with it, I wouldn't leave DS with him for more than around 15 minutes, it wouldn't be fair either way. But I do have to do a little extra running round for him.

I suppose if I am honest, I need to get any work in now, before I need to quit to look after him.

I just don't know where to start. I was thinking of temping - I can type at speed still even though I have slowed down. OH doesn't want me to do evening work and transport would be an issue.

Sorry for the self pity. I don't know how single parents manage. I suppose it is one of those things - you do what you have to do and it is surprising what you can manage when you have to.

"and just out of interest- is it only married mothers who are of value to sahm then,as nobody seems to be defending the non working mother, who is on benefits,most people seem to want them scrubbing toilets all day every day..."

How is that even remotely comparable?! This sahm is one because they, as a family, can afford for her to be. They are not expecting the state to pay her to be at home. They are paying themselves for her to be at home (or saving the money of childcare, or however you want to look at it). The single mum on benefits who chooses not to work in your example is a totally different situation.

wannabesybil - what does your OH think about your working? If you were my OH I would be happy for you to work if it was something you wanted to do, but if we were OK financially I wouldn't want you to feel you had to. Looking after the family is just as valid a choice - so long as it's a choice. In addition to that, having ME you would be better off 'looking after yourself' than working part time on minimum wage or fulltime & paying a CM.

If you are only doing it because of what a few judgemental people might think - sod them!!

Just to add my tuppence ha'pennyworth - I went back into full time education when both our DCs were at school then pursued a career (well two actually). I did this because:

a) I didn't like the fact that DH had to work pretty hard to support us all on his own,
and
b) I would have gone stir-crazy at home all day
c) I knew once the kids were mid to late teens I wouldn't be "needed" and didn't want to find myself in the situation of having invested everything in them then "being made redundant" as it were.
Before the kids went to school I also had part-time casual jobs like barmaid etc. to earn a bit extra and quite frankly to get out of the daily boring routine. I quite liked knowing I'd contributed something financially.
And yes, I know I contributed by looking after the DCs, running the house etc. but I have an independant streak despite DH never even remotely suggesting I couldn't buy something when I wasn't earning. I just liked knowing I had earned something.

As to the OP's DH bringing all this up in front of the ILs - I don't really see what the big deal is. You are an adult so you politely convey your displeasure surely by saying that it is a conversation best kept private? Don't really see what sulking achieves.

I have to say that I find it mildly offensive that the implication here is that SAHMs are sacrificing themselves on the altar of motherhood 'for the greater good of their families'.

Does that mean that those who work don't provide adequately to their families? Is being a SAHM the only passage to running a happy, organised household? From my experience, no!

I like to think that as well as providing money to our family, and therefore further helping to pave the long-term financial futures of our dds, I am also teaching them a bit about work ethic, NOT marrying a man for money, not studying hard for years to become a... SAHM.

How can I impress onto them the importance of work and study in the future when I don't actually work myself? My mother was in medical profession, juggled work and childcare, taught me never to rely on a man for money... has helped me to be a hard-working, non-needy, independent woman. DH respects that, always my choice to go back to work, but he's pleased I did. Our relationship feels more equal.

I dont think anyone has said that, TheBolter. I think that the point a lot of people are trying to make is that either CHOICE is a valid one. And just as you feel offronted by thinking that people are assuming that only sahm's can provide a loving stable home, etc., so are sahm's feeling put out at the thought that it is assumed that they will somehow be lesser, brain dead little women if they CHOOSE not to work.

FWIW my mum was a sahm right until we left home, infact she never worked after she had us really. My sister and I both work, and both have a strong work ethic....children don't always only follow in their parents' footsteps you know...

Is this actually about an earning job, or could it be that the OP has just been sucked into the mummy vortex which I guess might be a little boring, so hence the hint about using her brain?

the mummy vortex,that sounds fiercesome

Widow - I bet you get some righteous indignation flooding your way now at the suggestion the OP may have been sucked into a boredom-inducing vortex of Mummyhood.
You may want to don your flame-proof gear

Just sayin'......................

Got to dash, but just another vote of support for the OP. Your DH clearly has a limited brain, bless.

Work if you want to, work if you need the money, work if it keeps you sane.

Don't work to 'stay interesting' for your DH! I'm in a work vortex ATM where I struggle to think about much outside of work. Everyone gets preoccupied with their occupation. Motherhood I'm sure is no different - just gets a bit of misogynism tagged on to being interested in it.

TheBolter, I think it's important to teach children to study and work hard so they have choices in life. Being a SAHM is a valid choice and I don't consider that I've wasted my education by making it. I want my children to be able to earn their own money, but not feel that anything which doesn't have a monetary value is a waste of time.

TheBolter, do you not think the implication that only financial contributions are valid is equally offensive?