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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH told me infront of ILs to use my brain

250 replies

barbie007 · 29/05/2011 20:56

DH told me in front of ILs that I should do something with my brain.....why not a year of postgraduate law conversion? Or get into finance and earn lots of money? I used to be a schoolteacher so why does he think I want to be a lawyer or a banker now?

I've been a SAHM for 10 years and I love it. I use my brain all the time and it p**s me off that he thinks I don't. We don't need an extra wage btw. I've not spoken to him for the last few hours and when he asked if I could help with dinner tonight (we were only having cheese toasties!) I told him to use his brain and work it out.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 30/05/2011 13:31

"dont understand why any mum wouldn't want to support her dp and kids"

There are more ways to support your family than financial ones. Something you seem incapable of seeing.

I was wondering what would happen if every single mother went back to work when their children were at school? Are there really enough jobs for everyone who needs one?

Wellnerfermind · 30/05/2011 13:39

YestedaysPants

If you're the higher earner, why have you decided to give up your career?

TheSecondComing · 30/05/2011 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/05/2011 13:55

I think it's always good for a woman to have a fall-back plan 'just in case'. I too think that the DH was paying a compliment to the OP, acknowledging that she has a brain. There may be reasons why he brought it up at the IL's... I hazard a guess that he knew that a row wouldn't develop there, so a safe place to raise something like that. It wasn't the right thing to do but maybe he has some work concerns and his way of 'problem solving' is to get the OP tuned into the idea of going back to work. He should just come clean if he's worried but I think men and women ae different in the way they sort things out.

Some of the responses, I think, are from working mums who have more than a touch of the green-eyed monster that they can't stay at home. Why is it that some women like to put the knife in whenever they can? Hmm

YesterdaysPants · 30/05/2011 14:00

wellner it's just something both me and my DH want. I'm in teaching so will go back into it when DCs all at school, albeit not immediately back into management level. But in all honesty, although I expect judgement, I don't understand it. My life is not all about my career. I've tried to do my very best at every project I've undertaken in my life and I want to throw myself into being a ft mum. My DH agrees and we're both delighted that we can afford to make it happen. He's got no interest in being a SAHD and I want to SAH so it makes sense. We both earn fairly highly, it's not a competition, his earnings will continue to rise during my time at home.

I hadn't considered people judging me in rl - I like to think people won't, but people speak their mind on MN like they wouldn't in rl so in all likelihood people will be judging, just not saying so!

Surely it's down to a totally personal negotiation within the partnership?

Also, what LyingWitch said -

Some of the responses, I think, are from working mums who have more than a touch of the green-eyed monster that they can't stay at home. Why is it that some women like to put the knife in whenever they can?

scottishmummy · 30/05/2011 14:03

its a lame cliche to assume every working mum desires to be sahm but is thwatred.and enacts this disappointment out upon sahm. just as sahm is choice so to is working

YesterdaysPants · 30/05/2011 14:05

Ok scottishmummy do you work because you have to, or because you want to? Why are you so vitriolic towards the OP staying at home longer than you think is appropriate?

SoupDragon · 30/05/2011 14:07

It's pretty lame to suggest that SAHMs of school age children aren't supporting their families.

scottishmummy · 30/05/2011 14:08

i dont have to work,not compelled.i chose to work
because i want to
i want to support my family and demonstrate mum working and contributing

YesterdaysPants · 30/05/2011 14:09

And now you judge women who've made the decision to stay at home?

scottishmummy · 30/05/2011 14:11

i judge 1Oyr at home,all kids at school. yes. for all reasons stated
but hey im not alone read the thread,get the jist

YesterdaysPants · 30/05/2011 14:14

Hmm I have read the whole thread cheers. Just asking you as you're here and have throughout the thread been pretty aggressively clear about your opinions of SAHMs.

scottishmummy · 30/05/2011 14:16

im not alone in my view,peruse other responses too

SoupDragon · 30/05/2011 14:16

So, scottishmummy, you think the only worthwhile contribution a person can make to a family is a financial one?

YesterdaysPants · 30/05/2011 14:18

You're sounding like a naughty child - 'it's not just me' instead of justifying your opinion Grin

TheSecondComing · 30/05/2011 14:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 30/05/2011 14:20

no,youre making out im lone meanie,in fact fair amount of posters are def saying time to trot to work. time to read the signals.the composition of comment was crass but there is a underlying message there

YesterdaysPants · 30/05/2011 14:25

OP isn't asking 'AIBU to be a SAHM for this long?' - she's asking how to deal with her DH bringing up the issue tactlessly. Easy answer - she needs to talk to him about it. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks - if they were both happy with the situation. He possibly might not be, but it might've been a throwaway comment. Only advice needed is talk to him, and consider how you'd feel returning to work if he wants you to. Not anti-SAHM auto-response.

Tambern · 30/05/2011 14:26

If we're going to be making judgements about things we know nothing about, we have to accept the possibility that the OP is actually just lazy and clinging to what she sees as a possible injustice from ten years ago. It's simple. Very few people unwillingly give up a job to become a SAHM and enjoy it so much they'd never go back, ergo she must probably have wanted it anyway, and is using the loss of her career as leverage.

freemilly · 30/05/2011 14:26

wow some people spend a lot of time on mumsnet. Are you at work Scottishmummy? Nice to see the demonstrable commitment as a working mum to keep the wheels of British industry oiled Grin

MissMarjoribanks · 30/05/2011 14:28

Surely the whole point is that people should do what is best for their family. What suits one, may not suit another. If the OP is happy to stay at home and her DH is happy for her to, then that's what they should do. If her DH isn't, then they need to talk. She may well still end up staying at home. I've been on plenty of threads where universally the OP has been told that if she wants to work she should, whatever her DH's views.

I work, almost full time. I do it because I would be very unhappy being a SAHM. I have a supportive DH who covers for the twice monthly 12 hour days. He'd be equally supportive if I was a SAHM.

This doesn't mean that I don't believe that SAHP do an extremely valuable job, which is hard work. I got a taste of it on maternity leave and I didn't like it. The OP contributes by being at home and if she wants to remain in that role then she should be able to, unless things go sour financially.

scottishmummy · 30/05/2011 14:29

its bank hol, and sick wee one
so inbetween prn paracetamol its mn a go-go

KittySpencer · 30/05/2011 14:29

I need to work now because I'm a lone parent, but whilst I was with my Ex we could have managed if I'd stayed at home. I never wanted to. Certainly no jealousy of the OP's situation from me, I could have done the last 10 years at home. However I would have been royally in the shit when our relationship broke down - hence why I think financial independence is so important.

fedupofnamechanging · 30/05/2011 14:29

TSC, she hasn't had the time off. She's been looking after her children and supporting her husband's career. I think it only counts as time off if you get to sit on your arse all day and do no housework, cooking or shopping.

I think that it's cowardly to raise an issue in front of IL's because you think it won't result in a row (if that's why he did it). If my husband did that, I'd be thoroughly ashamed of him.

I think that one partner can't tell the other partner to go out and earn some money, when they've reaped the rewards of that person being at home and it has involved sacrifices on the part of the SAHP. It's like saying that a person's only value is monetary.

carriedababi · 30/05/2011 14:30

scottishmummy, you spend a hell of alot of your time on here, argueing why being a sahm is wrong.

its a bank holiday get out there and do something nice with your kids!

don't look back at their childhood and regret the hours you wasted arguing about this topic on here for goodness sake

and i do mean it in a nice way

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