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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to deny my MIL access to my children? Some may remember the car smash saga....

57 replies

thequeensspeech · 26/05/2011 20:15

Have a very difficult relationship with my inlaws. Last time my MIL stayed with us she smashed my car up and then refused to pay for the damage. During this time I overheard her telling her dh on the phone that she hates me, doesn't understand how her son tolerates me. She took my dd with her to visit some relatives and said in front of dd that she hates me, thinks I'm a rude bitch and am not good enough for her son. I know this because dd keeps repeating her words back to me and dh.

DH finally tackled his mother about this on the phone recently and her response was 'oh I didn't think your dd would hear, she was busy playing' no apology or remorse.

I've told DH I don't want the dc seeing her because of the way she has spoken about me. At first he agreed but now he is buckling and has casually started mentioning that his parents miss their grandchildren (they moved abroad when I was pregnant) and want to see them. He has suggested he take the dc to meet them somewhere without me.

AIBU to think I don't want my children near someone who so casually slags their mother off? But then is it realistic to deny her from EVER seeing her grandchildren again all the time I'm married to her son....?

OP posts:

GwendolineMaryLacey · 26/05/2011 20:17

No, not unrealistic, totally understandable. Until she changes her behaviour it's tough tits. The ball is in her court. I remember the car thread btw.

Georgimama · 26/05/2011 20:18

YANBU. Not one little bit.

Did she ever pay you for the damage to the car?

IreneHeron · 26/05/2011 20:19

You are so not being unreasonable. She sounds poisonous. It is not fair on your children to have to hear that kind of thing said about their mother.

Original poster

thequeensspeech · 26/05/2011 20:20

yes her DH did pay for the damage in the end, but getting the money was a nightmare!

OP posts:

Georgimama · 26/05/2011 20:21

And your husband needs to grow a pair, pronto. Does he have any helpful suggestions about what can be said to your DD about the fact granny manifestly hates her mother but despite this you should apparently shut up and put up? Is this a way he would like his daughter to be treated by her husband's mother in the future, by any chance? Thought not.

BitOfFun · 26/05/2011 20:21

I think you need to remind your husband that it is completely inappropriate for your children to be around this toxic woman. The only way that would change would be if she changed.

Vallhala · 26/05/2011 20:21

YANBU. The moment that anyone undermines, or tries to undermine, the relationship between reasonable parent and their child in the way you've described forgoes any right of access to either IMHO.

Bluntly, there is NO WAY I'd let the spiteful bitch anywhere near my children, is what I'm trying to say!

I'm damned if I'd worry about what I was denying her and I would consider that I was doing my child a favour by keeping her away from such a woman.

CoffeeDodger · 26/05/2011 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HumphreyCobbler · 26/05/2011 20:21

I remember the car thread.

YANBU. There is no way I would want my dd to hear me spoken of like this. I would expect an apology and for any future meetings to be held in my presence, whilst my MIL spoke respectfully and politely to me. Otherwise no contact allowed.

stoppinchingthedummy · 26/05/2011 20:22

I had a difficult relationship with my dp's mum and for years she was vile to me and about me ....new year this year i called her over for a "chat" no children around just me,her and dp ...i told her i would not tolerate any more shit and if she wants me to be the bad one and stop contact with the dc then i will ...if not she makes an effort with them and if she has to then ignore me
I believe that if any one stops children seeing a relative then it will bounce back on them in the future ...let them have contact ...rise above it then they will make their own desicion :)

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 26/05/2011 20:22

Yes I remember, can't believe the cheek of her. You need a serious chat with your dh.

freddy05 · 26/05/2011 20:22

If it was a friend of your husbands who was saying they hated you and telling your children they hate you he wouldn't expect for one minute that you saw them again and certainly not that you let them have time with your children without you there to supervise.

Can't understand why we are expected to put up with things from family we wouldn't from friends, if anything family should treat us better than friends do they are supposed to love and support us.

IF you decide to let you MIL see your daughter don't let her push you out it's all of you or none of you.

HumphreyCobbler · 26/05/2011 20:22

I should have said, I don't think YABU to stop contact yourself, I personally would want to be in control.

stoppinchingthedummy · 26/05/2011 20:22

oh and i dont think i read the car thread ...though i might have i dont remember it .

Original poster

thequeensspeech · 26/05/2011 20:23

I have no qualms at all about stopping mil seeing the dc, but it is tearing dH in two. He says he knows his mother is an evil cow but that he still loves her (which I kinda get).

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 26/05/2011 20:24

I think you should allow occasional contact on the condition that your dh is present and makes it clear that criticism of you is not allowed in his/their presence (I would hope he would do that anyway).

My mum and gran did not get on and 'things were said' but I never heard about them til I grew up and, though I'm sad my gran is not quite the person I thought she was, I still treasure the relationship we had.

YANBU to refuse them entry to your home, or to not want to see them yourself tho.

Georgimama · 26/05/2011 20:24

He is free to love her although I can't say she sounds very loveable. He isn't free to expose your children to someone who hates their mother and makes no secret of it.

microserf · 26/05/2011 20:25

i usually don't hold with denying access to GCs, but i will make an exception in the case of your MIL as i remember your original thread very well!

she is a frothing loon ((c) aposter on the property thread re neighbour wants to own the entry). i LOVE this phrase.

slagging you off in front your DCs is just the icing on the cake of not being allowed to see them until she learns to behave decently in front of them.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 26/05/2011 20:27

I remember the car thread too, I didn't realise she was so vile aswell though.

I think you really do need to keep it up a little longer she needs to know that IF she wants to see her GC her behaviour needs to change.

I would not allow them to go without you, I would not allow my child to be alone with her (no nice visits off to see family). She has forfeited these niceties with her vile behaviour to you.

I also would not stay with her when you visit, local hotel guest house etc (very important). Then if her behaviour is IN ANY WAY unpleasant you up and leave no discussion no fight no nothing.

If your dh does want his parents to have a relationship with his dc then these are esily agreeable options.

Oh and TELL HER WHY YOU ARE DOING THIS! She does have to tolerate you like a grown up. She has warningshe needs to behave.

CoffeeIsMyFriend · 26/05/2011 20:27

he can love his mother, but it is his mother who is causing ALL the hassle?

So, YANBU - tell your DH to man up, and if his parents want to see the children they do it with YOU present.

Oh - and I remember the car thread! All you can do is be polite to her and your FIL.

needanewname · 26/05/2011 20:31

Your DH is being completely and utterly unreasonable.

So she missed her grandchildren - tough shit. How on earth canhe justify her saying stuff about you - whether the children are in the room or not. Be firm and tell him no way not until she can prove herself to you that she can behave in a reasonable manner.

You are not in the wrong her, your MIL and DH are. Show him this thread.

Adversecamber · 26/05/2011 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mylovelymonster · 26/05/2011 20:36

I remember car thread - worrying lack of memory as to what she might have hit with your car?
She sounds bloody awful but she is their grandmother. I wouldn't allow them contact without being present - you are a family, after all, don't let her divide you - and never let her be in control of anything mechanical when your DC might be exposed, car or otherwise.
Your DH does need to grow up a bit and tackle her over her behaviour.

ChaoticAngelbitchfromhell · 26/05/2011 20:37

YANBU I wouldn't want such a vile, nasty person poisoning my dc either. Tell your DH to grow a pair and tell his mother that she doesn't get to see them until she learns to behave herself, that includes an apology to you, in front of your dd.

mylovelymonster · 26/05/2011 20:39

I meant to say also that YANBU, FWIW

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