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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to deny my MIL access to my children? Some may remember the car smash saga....

57 replies

thequeensspeech · 26/05/2011 20:15

Have a very difficult relationship with my inlaws. Last time my MIL stayed with us she smashed my car up and then refused to pay for the damage. During this time I overheard her telling her dh on the phone that she hates me, doesn't understand how her son tolerates me. She took my dd with her to visit some relatives and said in front of dd that she hates me, thinks I'm a rude bitch and am not good enough for her son. I know this because dd keeps repeating her words back to me and dh.

DH finally tackled his mother about this on the phone recently and her response was 'oh I didn't think your dd would hear, she was busy playing' no apology or remorse.

I've told DH I don't want the dc seeing her because of the way she has spoken about me. At first he agreed but now he is buckling and has casually started mentioning that his parents miss their grandchildren (they moved abroad when I was pregnant) and want to see them. He has suggested he take the dc to meet them somewhere without me.

AIBU to think I don't want my children near someone who so casually slags their mother off? But then is it realistic to deny her from EVER seeing her grandchildren again all the time I'm married to her son....?

OP posts:
saffy85 · 26/05/2011 20:39

YANBU at all. I wouldn't want someone who says such poisonous nasty shit about anyone near my children, especially when it's their mum she's talking about.

Misses her DGC does she? Should have thought about that before she verbally assinated their mum in front of them. No sympathy for her whatsoever. If she loved them that much she'd have kept her comments to herself and certainly not spoken that way in their presence.

YellowDinosaur · 26/05/2011 20:44

I remember the car thread too.

I'm with Dorispinkdragon - I wouldn't stop her seeing them but it would be very clearly to your rules. For me it would mean that I had to be present at all times to ensure that she didn't say anything unpleasant about me in front of the kids. WHile I would absolutely trust that dh would leave if this happened I wouldn't want to put him in a position of having to choose between me and his mum so I would take this on myself.

Your dh is not a bad guy. Misguided maybe but even if she is an evil witch she is his mum and he can't help that he loves her. But she needs to know thatthis is NOT an acceptable way to behave

reelingintheyears · 26/05/2011 20:46

My OLs are awful but yours do seem to take the biscuit..

I wouldn't let DP take our DC to visit even if DP had wanted to.

Unless she had apologised and shown herself to be capable of adult behaviour.

We have not seen them since 2000 and i can't say it's been a problem.

SouthStar · 26/05/2011 20:48

I dont think it very fair on your dd to not be able to see her Nan, even if its your mil's own doing. Lay down the law and tell her she isnt to talk about you like that around your dd, if she does then she wont see her again

FabbyChic · 26/05/2011 20:49

You have to place restrictions on her if she wishes to see the children, and one of those is that she does not bad mouth you.

If she does access is totally cut off and she needs to be told that.

Trinaluce · 26/05/2011 21:16

I remember the car smash thread and thinking what a poisonous witch she was.

Remind me - how old is your DD? I'd be worried not only that she's calling you names in front of your daughter, but also that she's using language that your daughter is repeating if your daughter is young.

Two courses open to you I think.
a) Make it plain if she ever wants to see the GC again it has to be with you in the room AT ALL TIMES and the first attempt at bad-mouthing or slagging off will result in immediate cessation of all access. On NO account let DH take the DC to meet them without you, that way she's got what she wants, and the dividing tactics will only continue.

b) Immediate cessation of all access anyway - no further chances until she makes a full apology to you to your face in front of your DH and DC and sits down and explains to the DC why she was such a malicious twunt rude lady about their mother.

Or there's the last (less advisable) option
c) Allow DH to take DC away - but fill their heads full of plenty of choice phrases about their grandmother and advise them to use them to her face as much as possible. Waking her up in the middle of the night just to tell her them if necessary Grin When she challenges you or DH about it, just shrug and say 'oh we didn't think they were picking up any of that'...

cees · 26/05/2011 22:12

What a nasty cow your mil is. I think you have good reason to not let your dc be in her company until she apologises and agrees to stop slagging you off.
I would be worried that if you did let her take your dc again, she may well keep bad mouthing you and tell your dc to not tell you, putting them in an awful position.
YANBU

Eglu · 26/05/2011 22:15

YANBU. Even if your DH still loves his Mum, fair enough, but does he think it's appropriate for his own child to hear her Mother slagged off.

needanewname · 26/05/2011 22:37

SouthStar - really?!

You think its OK for a child to hear someone slate their mother? Just because its their Nan its OK? Would you be happy with this?

Quite often I will say that someone is being precious and looking for trouble when there really isn;t any on some of the MIL threads but not this time.

If it was a friend of the OP's DH, would that be OK?

Yes in an ideal world all children will have 2 parents and severl grandparents and various other extended family who all love each other, unfortunately we don't all live in an ideal world and I fail to see what relationship the child is missing out on here.

I think that the MIL has to apologies ot the OP and prove that she's changed before she can have any alone time with the child.

blackeyedsusan · 26/05/2011 23:30

aagree with humphrey, no visits until there has been a proper apology... aand supervised visits only. last chance too if she kicks off again...

pigletmania · 26/05/2011 23:41

YANBU at all, I remember that thread well. The cheeky moo. I would not let your dcs see her as she is saying hateful things about their mother in front of them. Fair enough she keeps them to herself, but to say it in front of your dcs noway.

QueenStromba · 27/05/2011 01:50

My father is a psychologically abusive bastard and I can honestly say that the worst thing he did was spend our visits with him as children making comments about our "bitch mother". Someone a child loves badmouthing someone else they love is about the worst thing you can do to them without getting physical in some way. Save your child some future therapy and don't let your MIL anywhere near her if she's going to be saying things like that.

Oh and I'm glad you did get the money for the car, even after you had posted about the bank transfer I was still convinced that the transaction would be reversed or that someone would try and claim against you for the accident.

skybluepearl · 27/05/2011 04:33

Wouldn't let her anywhere near kids until she apologises to you and promises never to speak in such a dreadful way in front of the kids. I'd only allow them to visit kids while you are about to supervise though as DH clearly can't make a stand and MIL can't be trusted. It is not appropriate for kids to hear thier mother being slagged off.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 27/05/2011 04:43

Good news that you got the money!! Did you ever hear from the police at all?

Agree that you should stop your dcs seeing your MIL, tough shit she misses her gcs, she had no right to speak of you that way in front of them.
Tell your DH he needs to grow a pair and tell his mother that she should treat the mother of his children with respect.

hairfullofsnakes · 27/05/2011 06:14

Yanbu at all and you must not back down on this and I agree that it is disgusting your dh would even contemplate letting her see the dc when she is so disrespectful of you, their mother. Tearing him in two?! What about you and the fact she is vile to you and has said disgusting things about you in front of your child? No,no,no, this stops now tell
Him. In no uncertain terms she is to be told her behaviour is unacceptable and unless she apologises and starts acting like a respectful human being to you, she will not see the dc at all or even him. Why should her shitty behaviour be tolerated? Why is your dh even thinking about tolerating it?!

Please don't back down and don't let this scenario teach your dc 'that even though granny is a vile bitch to mummy we have to see her and she gets away with it' as this is what they will learn and that is totally unacceptable!

sunnydelight · 27/05/2011 06:23

YANBU. I remember the car smash thread too. I don't see why being a blood relation gives you some kind of rights that transcend the normal rules of social behaviour.

diddl · 27/05/2011 06:42

YADNBU!

She can´t talk about you like that-in front of your children & expect to see them.

And if your husband wasn´t such a wuss, she wouldn´t dream of asking tbh.

hairfullofsnakes · 27/05/2011 07:48

Agree with diddl that if your dh actually stood up to he properly she wouldn't do this. She gets away with it because he allows her to and that is totally disrespectful to you as his wife and mother of his children.

Shakirasma · 27/05/2011 07:59

YANBU

But remember that you bond with your children will not be harmed by your MIL. My ex H used to slag me of to our DD. All he achieved was to upset her and damage his own relationship with her. Most kids feel defensive of their mum and cannot be influenced by spiteful drivel from the likes of your MIL.

So if your DH decides he wants them to have contact ( under his supervision of course) then let her do her worst because it herself who suffers on the end.

diddl · 27/05/2011 08:59

"But remember that you bond with your children will not be harmed by your MIL."

Hopefully!

But as well as MIL not deserving to see the children, why should they be forced to endure such a nasty woman.

And if daddy takes them, what message does that send out?

This woman hates your mother & calls her a bitch, but I´ll make sure she still sees youConfused

MmeLindor. · 27/05/2011 09:05

I would agree, but only if:

  • she apologises for her comments about you
  • she promises not to bad mouth you in front of the children or your DH
  • it is clear that this is her last chance, if she goes against the rules then she is refused contact.
ChiddelyPie · 27/05/2011 10:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
thequeensspeech · 27/05/2011 10:20

DH has had a text from his mum denying that she ever said those things about me. My dd who is 6 keeps repeating what she oveheard and I don't believe there is anyway dd is lying. I heard mil with my own ears on the phone saying she hated me, what a bitch I am etc. I think DH is buckling though. His mum says she wants to see him when she comes back to the UK this weekend, hasn't mentioned seeing me or the dc.

OP posts:
octopusinabox · 27/05/2011 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LiliesandVeuve · 27/05/2011 10:28

sit down and talk to you mil
there is the potential for a huge family rift here, you need to sort it before it gets any worse

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