to deny my MIL access to my children? Some may remember the car smash saga....

[thequeensspeech]

Have a very difficult relationship with my inlaws. Last time my MIL stayed with us she smashed my car up and then refused to pay for the damage. During this time I overheard her telling her dh on the phone that she hates me, doesn't understand how her son tolerates me. She took my dd with her to visit some relatives and said in front of dd that she hates me, thinks I'm a rude bitch and am not good enough for her son. I know this because dd keeps repeating her words back to me and dh.

DH finally tackled his mother about this on the phone recently and her response was 'oh I didn't think your dd would hear, she was busy playing' no apology or remorse.

I've told DH I don't want the dc seeing her because of the way she has spoken about me. At first he agreed but now he is buckling and has casually started mentioning that his parents miss their grandchildren (they moved abroad when I was pregnant) and want to see them. He has suggested he take the dc to meet them somewhere without me.

AIBU to think I don't want my children near someone who so casually slags their mother off? But then is it realistic to deny her from EVER seeing her grandchildren again all the time I'm married to her son....?

I remember that car thread. Don't let her see them and tell DH if he buckles you won't be backing him up by letting her see the children.

I would send DH to see her, without the DC, in order to lay it on the line. He needs to make it clear that her attitude to you has to change, as seeing the DC without seeing you is not on.

My DH's sister hates me, she's called me a "fucking bitch" to other family members, which has got back to us, and did it once in front of DH. He was furious, ignored for a few months, and then she got ill and for a while he saw her on his own every month or so. Then she wanted to see the DC again, and we decided that we'd only see her as a family, all together, that she couldn't rub me out of the picture. He warned her that if she's rude about me/to me again then we'll have to stop it for good, and it seems to have worked.

Children are not stupid- if they hear her saying this stuff, eventually they will stop wanting to visit her.
I did- I refused to go and visit my grandmother from the age of 10; I had had enough of hearing her spout bile about my mother. I never saw her again, she died 7 years ago, and I do not regret it one bit.

MGM, not my mother's MIL btw...

I have been there. My Ex's mother detested me (I was a snooty nosed posh cow, on a good day). She used to tell the world, regardless of what little ears were in the vacinity yet be sweet as pie to my face.

I called her on it, repeated the things said, informed her she could have whatever oppinion she wished, but not with my kids around, and if I was all of the above I dread to think how she rated her son (who was abusive to me, generally horrid etc).

She announced my snootyness (I don't think washing and being house proud is snooty) drove him to it. That weekend I removed both her and her son from my life.

Op - I wouldn't allow contact without being there, it will be horrible for dd to hear that about you and also as she gets older even more distressing as she will understand the implications more- she will also be getting the message that its ok to speak about people like that even if it is only sometimes..

I do not get on with my MIL but am quite sure she would not slag me off in front of ds - and if she did dh would not hesitate in leaving straight away if I wasn't there ... and she is an alcoholic so not always in best control of her behaviour...

If you are bothered about them having a relationship - and think it is a positive thing for dd to see her in the long run - then it has to be managed... as someone said earlier - neutral short visits probably place to start....

It's difficult. I don't believe you have the right to stop your DH taking the children, who are as much his as yours, to visit his mother - would you allow him to tell you who you could & couldn't take the children to visit?

I would talk to him though, I would ask him why he is happy to allow his mother to talk about me, to him, as she does? I would ask him if he thought that his children hearing this vile abuse aimed at their Mum was good for them? I would ask him how he would feel if the boot was on the other foot. Ask him what he thinks that your children must think if Granny speaks like that about their Mum, but their Dad still wants to visit her and take them to see her...

I would ask him why he's happy to listen to her speaking about you as she does and not tell her that what she is saying is wrong, vile & nasty and he doesn't want to hear it - and that if she does it again, he wont be seeing her again, let alone the children.

If he still decided that he thought it was fine to go and take the children to see her - then I would be reconsidering the relationship tbh.

But I really do think it needs to come from him - not just you saying 'you are not taking the children' - for your relationships sake.

Basically - you and your DH cannot proceed in any kind of relationship with this woman (your kids included) - without setting some boundaries.

She's a pretty toxic scary lady I know, and also very immature going around telling people she "hates" you - whats up with her!

But you can't let that go - as if it didn't happen.

Your DH needs a backbone.