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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel annoyed that my homestart volunteer has lectured me over my messy house

135 replies

sheepgomeep · 25/05/2011 14:28

she is lovely she really is, she's been to the shop with my youngest two and she did my kitchen till its gleaming but she lectured me a lot on how I shouldn't be living like this (its not that bad just messy!) my kids need some where nice to live, why was I so stressed, i should have some pride in myself andbasically pull myself together

I was a bit Shock and think maybe she shouldn't have been so blunt. She may have a point but she should keep it to her self right?

OP posts:
MillyR · 25/05/2011 23:15

If she hasn't been volunteering with your family for very wrong, and she is saying things that a volunteer should not be saying, and she is telling you what you can and cannot do, do you really want her to carry on coming around?

It doesn't have to be a big deal. You could just tell Homestart that you don't think it is going to work out with this particular volunteer, and that you'd rather have someone else. You don't have to explain why, or go into what she said. Just because you are getting help doesn't mean you have to accept that help in whatever form it comes. It is very common for volunteers who do home visits to get moved around and matched to different clients. There would be nothing odd about you asking for someone else.

Original poster
sheepgomeep · 25/05/2011 23:16

I know I was very taken aback, she even mopped my floor theres not many people in fact none that would do that for me. She made me a cuppa and said sit I'll do it. she is a funny woman I just gotta get used to her ways I guess

OP posts:
darleneoconnor · 25/05/2011 23:19

Of course your house isn't going to be tidy!
You have 6 DCs, a job, a lazy fuckwit 'D'P and a debilitating disability.
What the hell did she expect!

cat64 · 25/05/2011 23:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

intertoyz · 25/05/2011 23:35

I'm afraid I think that a woman who takes over another woman's kitchen is too controlling. I have had controlling women take over my kitchen, and it ain't nice. They weren't invited back.

Don't let her grind you down, sheepy. Smile A grossly inactive dp is more wearing than most people realise.

Original poster
sheepgomeep · 25/05/2011 23:39

well i only have 4 dc the other 2 are my dps but yes I see what you mean. She is very warm and friendly and I really don't thinks she means any offence now I'm thinking about it carefully I'm going to bed now, early start, thanks again

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 25/05/2011 23:46

Sheep - I haven't seen you for ages - I've missed you!!!!

Sorry to hear that she upset you. Coming up to your Dad's anniversary is really, really hard. There is no excuse for her banging on about 'how you have let yourself go'... she needs some additional training! She probably means well, but she's not going about it the right way - she should be making you feel better and more able to cope - not more depressed!

The thought of one useless DP & 6 kids (well 4 sometimes 6) is enough to make me feel exhausted and I don't even have PND!

woahthere · 26/05/2011 00:14

a friend of mine, not a massively close one once came round to my house when i was going through a low period. my youngest had just started school and some things had happened that had left me brooding a lot shall we say. The house wasnt shitty at all, it was alright, it just wasnt sparkling but she is from a traveller family and basically said to me...'i know something is up even though youre not telling me, but let me tell you this. your man is at work 8 hours a day and when he gets home he should have his dinner cooked and a tidy house and you should get some pride in yourself so you can start planning the rest of our life.' Ive never been so shocked. or humbled. i put 100% into everything i do now. i know it doesnt work with everyone but by god it shocked me ino thinking she had a flippin point! I was offended for a few minutes and then really thought about it and thought god yeah...who the hell am i to sit around brooding when my boyfriend is out working hard to pay for me, it was the firstime in my life that i realised that actually being lazy is nothing to be proud of at all and we dont have the automatic right to do nothing just becasue we are a bit down or tired or whatever because out there somewhere someone else has got it so much harder than you AND is working harder than you.
Tough love.

woahthere · 26/05/2011 00:17

that should have read 'your life' not our, she wasnt expecting anything from me Blush

woahthere · 26/05/2011 00:18

and shit, i should read what i post first....im not saying your lazy, i was at the time. my point is, sometimes its good to hear a bit of hard honest stuff xxxx

spiderslegs · 26/05/2011 00:48

Mmmm - what do homestart do???

If my cleaner came in & told me this I'd kick her ass out the door & I bet my house is worse than yours.

So, because you're accepting help you should be spoken to like this???

Some people have pristine houses - always, IMO they should have better things to think about.

I have a cleaner for four hours a week, a gardener, my windows get cleaned inside & out every two weeks, I am a SAHM & MY HOUSE IS STILL A SHIT TIP.

If you have small children, something has to give.

Unless you're up to your knees in shitty nappies & the flies have started breeding with the rats, you're fine.

Mess is fine.

Normal even.

expatinscotland · 26/05/2011 01:26

Your partner is lazy.

beesimo · 26/05/2011 08:28

woahthere

You had the grace to listen to your friend who was only well wishing you and the sense to listen to her. Good for you cos you decided to start swimming instead of just letting yourself sink.

No guts no glory well done!

valiumredhead · 26/05/2011 08:38

OP what about asking her what she suggests you do to improve matters and see what she comes up with? Maybe in a clumsy way she is trying to offer help?

WriterofDreams · 26/05/2011 08:46

Going through a low period isn't the same as having depression. Depression is an illness that messes with your thinking. When I was depressed getting myself going to do any sort of work actually physically hurt and I was so utterly exhausted that doing even an hour of work meant I had to lie down for a while afterwards.

OP you're doing great by looking after your kids and going to work while depressed. You're ill and you're already doing two jobs, while your partner gives you very little support. If you're happy with how the house is, don't let the volunteer's words get to you.

Telling someone who is depressed that they have no pride in themselves is downright cruel. Depression already makes you feel like shit and that's just adding insult to injury. The volunteer clearly doesn't understand depression at all - it was my parents' assertion that I needed to "pull myself to together" that nearly drove me to suicide.

I'm guessing your volunteer is an older lady with grown up kids of her own. I think she probably genuinely cares about you and is desperate to see you get better but is really going about it the wrong way. Would you be able to sit down with her and tell her how you feel, perhaps ask her to hold her criticism at bay? Her heart is definitely in the right place, so if you're happy to keep going with her I think that's a good decision. BUT- if she continues to criticise then I think it would be important for you to think about the effect that might have on you long term.

valiumredhead · 26/05/2011 08:51

I have just re read the OP - she didn't actually say 'Pull yourself together' - is it possible you are taking offence at someone 'criticising?' - I used to when I was depressed - I would look to blame someone else rather than tackle the problem.

Is there any chance that she has a point and actually the house needs a damn good clean? I also believe that if your surroundings are relatively clean and tidy then it goes towards making you feel much better.

I know how hard it is, depression is bloody awful x

Glitterknickaz · 26/05/2011 08:53

I really didn't get on with my homestart volunteer.
It came to a head one day when she told me that what my kids could do with is a really good smack. For engaging in Autistic behaviours. Yeah... ok.

From that day I've not had a homestart volunteer.

valiumredhead · 26/05/2011 08:53

Telling someone who is depressed that they have no pride in themselves is downright cruel

I agree, just awful Sad

coccyx · 26/05/2011 09:35

Well done OP on working. This volunteer sounds like my mum. I don't think she was being cruel, honest maybe.
Think your DP is the problem,

notmyproblem · 26/05/2011 11:03

Yes woahthere and beesimo because a woman can only truly be happy when she's cooked a dinner and cleaned the house for her husband when he gets home. Hmm Otherwise she must be useless or lazy or needing a kick up the arse or somehow a second-class citizen.

Have you even read the thread? The OP works herself and her DP is lazy and does nothing around the house, even for his own 2 kids that aren't hers.

Some support please. Not 1950s bullshit.

Scheherezadea · 26/05/2011 11:17

OP - I know just how you feel, I've just been referred to homestart, and we don't even have kids (yet - am 5 months pg), and I don't work!

I find it difficult to keep on top of our house and (large, full of flowerbeds) garden. I try to tackle it one/two rooms a day, sometimes it helps to make a list.

So today I'm going to try put the packaging from a box we opened yesterday in the bin, as it's cluttering living room. The room still needs hoovering/dusting etc, but just one thing at a time. And I'm going to do the washing up.

So that's just the two things for now I need to focus on. I find that if I break it down into little tasks then it's a lot easier, because it's just overwhelming to look at the whole house!

x

Scheherezadea · 26/05/2011 11:19

And to some of the more stupid ridiculous posters on here, as a graduate in NeuroScience, I can assure you depression is a physical illness. regardless of te root cause, the manifestations are physical. I have known patients who are so depressed they can't move to take themselves to the toilet, and end up having to wear adult nappies.

Original poster
sheepgomeep · 26/05/2011 12:10

er woah there I also work love sorry. and his children my step children are not my responsibility. This is NOT the fifties.

And there has been times when my dp was unemployed for years whilst I worked bloody hard to keep our family afloat. I HAVE ALWAYS worked shame that can't be said for my dp who drifted from job to job and smoked cannabis with his ex whilst he lived on benefits when he was with her.

Yes he does work hard now but then so do I. At least I can bloody work and have the opportunity do because our shifts do not clash. imo things should be more equal in terms of sharing domestic responsibilities. And i'm sorry but why the fuck should he sit on the x box whilst i run round like a headless chicken sorting six kids out cooking dinner house work and god knows what else I do whist he does bugger all. I do all this BEFORE I do my shift which isn't a piece of cake as I shift heavy pallets abouts doing delivery. When I finish I'm limping as my feet hurt so much

I'm then up in the night with dd3 as she is not sleeping and then up at 7 for the school run

dp can't get up with her as he is in work for 7 and has to get up at 5.30 to catch 2 buses.

yeah really lazy aren't i

OP posts:
Original poster
sheepgomeep · 26/05/2011 12:16

writerofdreams yes she is in her 60's with 4 grown up children, she is very much of the pull yourself together brigade depression is all in the mind etc etc which is all very well to say. She also had a lot of family support to when her kids were younger which sadly I don't really have a lot of. Very small extended family ie just my mum and mil (who has special needs)

OP posts:
Original poster
sheepgomeep · 26/05/2011 12:24

Thanks sheherezade i try to break things down in small tasks do, it does help. I know my dp is a twat but I came into a spotless front room, hall way and washing in off the line last night which was nice i must admit.

glitterknickaz thats awful Shock sadly you are not the first I've heard this has happened too

woah there sorry Blushi don't mean to sound so arsy but I do work p/t and actually dp contributes very little in the way of money to our household, it all goes on him and his 2 kids with his ex ( which is fine) but I would like some money to pay his share of the rent at least

OP posts: