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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel annoyed that my homestart volunteer has lectured me over my messy house

135 replies

sheepgomeep · 25/05/2011 14:28

she is lovely she really is, she's been to the shop with my youngest two and she did my kitchen till its gleaming but she lectured me a lot on how I shouldn't be living like this (its not that bad just messy!) my kids need some where nice to live, why was I so stressed, i should have some pride in myself andbasically pull myself together

I was a bit Shock and think maybe she shouldn't have been so blunt. She may have a point but she should keep it to her self right?

OP posts:
InTheNightKitchen · 25/05/2011 14:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabbyChic · 25/05/2011 14:47

Ive suffered with depression, really bad to the point of suicide, but I have to be honest and say I never used it as an excuse to live in a messy house.

You cannot use your illness as an excuse if you was physically ill then fair enough, but from your post you aren't.

TheVisitor · 25/05/2011 14:47

As I said earlier, the tone in why these things are being said is really negative. That is not encouraging language, and she will have been trained to be encouraging. There are ways to help someone in this situation, and putting them down verbally is not the way to do it.

Original poster
sheepgomeep · 25/05/2011 14:48

booeyhoo I think you are probably right in what you say, She is right but I'm just objecting to the way she said it. I'm very sensitive at the moment and I feel very loney. With six children (2 step) and a dp who does very little to help, Me working pt and dp works full time, a son with adhd, a baby and a toddler, and depression i do find life very hard. She has just mademe feel like a lazy slattern who sits on her arse. I'm very close to walking out on everyone in my life and comments like these just don't help

OP posts:
bubblecoral · 25/05/2011 14:48

TBh, it must be fairly bad for her to have said something. My house is untidy, because we have too much stuff and too little space, but it's nowhere near bad enough for anyone to even think of saying anything.

You have descibed her as someone that is really lovely. Lovely people don't tend to say things just to be mean. If she was truly wrong with what she said, then you'd be saying what a horrible person she is, not that you are upset by what was said.

cheesesarnie · 25/05/2011 14:51

tell her sheep-be honest.when you next see her,tell her how these comments made you feel.

aldiwhore · 25/05/2011 14:51

But depression manifests itself differently for different people so perhaps it could be a part of the OP's depression that her home is a major chore that she finds it hard to get motivated for? (Could be WAY off the mark of course, I'm not depressed, just naturally messy, I have to actively concentrate to put stuff away)

For someone else, it could be part of their depression that makes them fastidiously clean and tidy?

You have a clean kitchen now OP, keep on top of that, and ask your homestart volunteer if she'll help you to go through each room of the house, once its all square, you can sort out day to day routines that will help you keep on top of it. I did this with the help of flylady.com... something I'd have laughed at before I decided enough was enough.

Use your volunteer, she's there to help, get her to help!

Original poster
sheepgomeep · 25/05/2011 14:52

good for you fabby chic Hmm fwiw I was pretty ill after I had my baby and I still feel exhausted now. I'm wiped out, Ive been up half the night, took my dd to the dentist today, I have damaged tendons in my right foot from work but still have to work oh and I'm anaemic too.

The visitor, it did feel negative and I feel worse now

OP posts:
Shannaratiger · 25/05/2011 14:53

I have a really nice homestart volunteer who has just started with me. She helps me organise my housework into written down routines. Being dyspraxic I really crave routines but can't organise them myself which makes me really stressed and depressed. She even helps me with the housework as well whilst she's here. She will then help me with my sons behaviour - a much bigger challenge!

aldiwhore · 25/05/2011 14:53

Oh and get your kids involved with good routines, you're not a slave... and kick your dp up the arse too. Even if its just putting dirty plates in the bowl 'to soak'.... you sound run ragged. Saying that, I've known people with lots of kids and work pressure have an effective cleaning routine... it is doable. With help.

Original poster
sheepgomeep · 25/05/2011 14:54

I will cheesesarnie.

there was clean washing over the table, the pots needed doing, and my front room was untidy, just a basic tidy, believe me my house has been worse. (thank god she never went upstairs Grin)

OP posts:
BooyHoo · 25/05/2011 14:54

ok, so there is a heck of a lot going on in your life. the way she said it wasn't good (neither was my mother's method of delivery) and i agree with otehrs taht she is tehre to support you, not lecture. is it possible to get a different volunteer because i do feel that you still need teh support, just not from this particular person.

can you sit down with your DP and all of teh children that are old enough and explain how you aren't coping and need extra help from all of them. make up a daily chore list. make sure everyone is taking tehir dishes to teh counter, their washing to the machine and keeping their own space tidy. then have a rota for things like hoovering and bathroom etc. you may think tehre's no point and tehy wont do it but i am afraid they will have to. depression is an illness and your are ill, your family should be prepared to step up to teh plate and take the pressure off you.

BooyHoo · 25/05/2011 14:55

ignore fabby. her post screams ignorance.

scaredoflove · 25/05/2011 14:57

It's ok for her to have thought it but not ok to voice it. She would have been trained not to talk about things like the state of the house and to talk to her homestart coordinator. She should NOT be a homestart volunteer

Get in touch with homestart and tell them exactly what she said. I wouldn't have her in my house again

She should not have said anything, we go through quite in depth training and these sorts of situations we a told not to speak to parents about. We are encouraged to speak to our homestart coordinator

Your homestart coordinator will have seen the state of your house on her visits - it's up to her to speak to you if she felt it necessary

If we are concerned about anything, we speak to homestart, not parents!

sleepingsowell · 25/05/2011 14:57

wow that was spectacularly intolerant of you Fabby. Of course depression is different for different people and it is actually a very very common presentation of it to find the person, and their home, can be unkempt and un-cared for.

sheep, you are getting out to work pt and coping every day - that is fantastic

I would personally be contacting the Sure Start office and talk to the co ordinator; tell her how upset you've been and that you can't respond well to flat out criticism - perhaps they could find you another volunteer who can say what needs to be said but in a way that feeds into improving your sense of self esteem rather than hammering it.

Original poster
sheepgomeep · 25/05/2011 14:57

aldi dp won't help me he says since he works full time he doesn't have to do anything, I care for his 2 daughters when they come without much input from him, he just gets mouthy if I try and tell him

OP posts:
reikizen · 25/05/2011 14:57

sheep, you have my sympathy for what sounds like a very hard situation in your life BUT. It is absolutely not on for you to come on a forum and whinge & bitch about a VOLUNTEER, who does not have to help you and who does not have the right of reply to defend herself. Maybe she has depression too, and 6 children, and a really hard life! Christ, if you don't like it, do it your self. I'm sorry to sound so blunt but I can't believe you would complain about this! If you don't like what she said ask yourself if she has a point (and you are not the important person here, your children are) and if she does, act on it. If not, speak to her as you would like to be spoken to and for god's sake don't go running to her boss! If anything has put me off volunteering, this thread has. Not just the OP but some of those who have followed in her wake.

thekidsrule · 25/05/2011 14:59

what the bloody hell has it to do with her

im the first to admit im a tidy/clean freak,if have ocd but would never tell somebody that

strangley enough i feel so much more relaxed round somebodys messy house than mine and honestly dosent bother me

but i am a bit weird

mrsbunnthebaker · 25/05/2011 15:00

whats homestart and whats its aims?

BooyHoo · 25/05/2011 15:01

your DP is a twat. you are ill. cant he see that? or doesn't he see depression as a 'real' illness?

JeremyKylesPetProject · 25/05/2011 15:02

Thats not fair Fabbychic. Thats like saying "I broke my leg and still ran a marathon" to someone who has twisted their ankle and can't walk properly. Everyone is different.

Hope you're ok sheep. It sounds like your helper needs to work on her decorum skills. I take it this is a two way street? Brutal honesty both ways right? "I appreciate your help and really value your opinions but your comments the other day hurt my feelings..." something like that maybe?

WhoAteMySnickers · 25/05/2011 15:04

Sometimes living amongst dirt and mess, you don't actually realise how bad it really is. And people's standards are different.

My sister says my house is like a show-home when I'm thinking it needs hoovering, mopping, dusting. I think her house is a shithole and she will tell me how she spent the whole day cleaning.

Your kitchen must have needed a good going over, as by your own admittance it's now gleaming. Now she's made a start maybe you and your DH can keep on top of it.

cheesesarnie · 25/05/2011 15:04

blimey reikizen,kick someone when theyre down!
why doesnt the op have a right to voice her opinion?
whether the person is volounteering or not,she's suppsed to be supporting op!im guessing the reason op isnt 'doing it herself'(nicely put btw)is because shes asked for help.
id agree volounteering doesnt sound like its for you.

TheCowardlyLion · 25/05/2011 15:04

I must admit, I was just thinking what you said, reikizen - if this volunteer is as lovely as you say, good with the kids and prepared to roll up her sleeves and pitch in to actually help in a practical way, why would you want to go running to her boss to complain about this? If you feel that strongly, then by all means do, but don't then complain that there's no-one to help you.

Maybe try to be less self-pitying and think about practical things you could do to make some of the problematic areas of your life more manageable.

thekidsrule · 25/05/2011 15:06

a kind word does alot more than a nasty one in my experience,and there are some pretty tactless people about,

good luck sheep