to feel annoyed that my homestart volunteer has lectured me over my messy house

[sheepgomeep]

she is lovely she really is, she's been to the shop with my youngest two and she did my kitchen till its gleaming but she lectured me a lot on how I shouldn't be living like this (its not that bad just messy!) my kids need some where nice to live, why was I so stressed, i should have some pride in myself andbasically pull myself together

I was a bit and think maybe she shouldn't have been so blunt. She may have a point but she should keep it to her self right?

YANBU, as has been said, there are procedures to follow and it sounds like she over stepped the mark and having had PND in the past, I know myself it really isn't helpful.

Tidyness/cleanness is subjective though. My house is never as clean/tidy as I would like, despite the fact I hoover everyday, mop the floors daily, keep on top of the laundry/washing up etc. The bathrooms are always dirty, IMO, despite cleaning practically daily. The glass in the doors in my living room always look like they haven't been cleaned for about a year and are covered in sticky fingermarks, despite cleaning at least several times a week and the carpets always look like I never bother to hoover. I just give up, there is only so much housework a person can do and when I go to my friend's houses that are immaculate, I wonder if they do anything else other than housework!

Of course you'd feel better if your house was tider, but when you have depression it's just not as simple as 'a kick up the arse' is it?! Unless, like my sister, as well as depression you also suffer from OCD.

I hadn't heard of Homestart but had a look at their website and this is what the volunteer is supposed to do:

"Our volunteers will usually visit a parent in their home once a week for a couple of hours. How they help is really down to the needs of the family. Some might need a sympathetic ear, a shoulder to cry on, someone to have a laugh with. Others may need help keeping appointments or accessing local services and 'connecting' with their local community. Our volunteers can provide an extra pair of hands to help people cope with everyday parenting situations, or practical help with activities like playing or reading stories.

Home-Start's approach is very personal and friendly and this often reassures parents that what they're going through is not unusual, that they are not alone."

It doesn't sound like delivering a lecture on tidiness and telling depressed people to "pull themselves together" should be part of their remit...

As a former HS volunteer, it's not on for your volunteer to lecture you about pulling yourself together, however, if the volunteer believes children are at risk from harm (be that emotional or physical abuse/neglect etc), then the volunteer has every right to voice their concerns to their co-ordinator, who should be up-to-date and fully trained in child protection. The co-ordinator may then call at the house to have a talk and assess to see if there is any foundation for the volunteer's concerns.

If there is concern about the child(ren) then the co-ordinator will share their concerns with SS. If not, then the parent can request to have another volunteer. The main concern of the volunteer is the health, safety and welfare of the child(ren).

It can be common to have a volunteer and family clash due to differences in personalities and parenting ideas. The remedy of that situation would be to place other volunteers with the family until a suitable match is found IYSWIM.

I have a good friend who was riddled with depression (to the point of wanting to commit suicide), so I helped her with a major clean up/declutter and painting and decorating of her house. I advised her to keep on top of it all by doing the small things, eg, doing the dishes every day, hoovering/washing machine every 2-3 days etc and her house went from a complete s*hole to gleaming and is pretty darned clean to this day. She also feels a lot better about having a less cluttered house now and is off her AD's.

Her motto now is "Cluttered house = cluttered mind, clean house = clear and settled mind".

she probably meant well, and if she is on your side, let it go. But dont take regular criticism of that nature.

I am a little bit ragged around the edges. I would not pass a military inspection

It doesn't take much either. A little bit done every day will make a difference over a few weeks .

Are you sure she was that blunt, or are you just being oversensitive?

You know your house is a mess, you were probably very conscious that she was coming and would see it in the state that it's in, so you have taken what may have been gentle, well-meaning pieces of advice personally.

Maybe.

Hi again. Thanks againto everyone who posted, Ive had time to mull this over in work and although I think my volunteer is way too blunt she maybe does a point. I am not about to go running to my coordinator because she is lovely and has told her that she loves being with our family which is nice. However I may be honest with her and say she is upsetting me a little.

To all those who think I am a neglectful lazy inadequate parent.. I'm not. The reason why I have been with homestart for 9 years is not because my house is bad but because of my circumstances over the years. I originally went to homestart because I had pnd and I was isolated (my house was actually very clean and tidy back then) as our homestart has a creche and a mums room twice a week it meant I could get out whilst my ex was at work and meet other mums which did wonders for my self esteem. Some of those mums have now become life long friends.

I did leave homestart for a year as my life was peachy but then I had two more children, depression become to creep back in (I was very nearly hospitalized at one point when I was pg) Four years I lost my dad and a good friend to cancer both of them 2 weeks after my dd2 was born and I was pretty ill with a c section too.

I had even more crap going on since then but I would bore you with it. I have found life a struggle but I bounce back, its just extra hard at them mo as my dads anniversary is coming up next week and so I'm a little self pity don't you think.

My kids are clean, tidy, have clean clothes, fresh cooked healthy meal, stories read to the younger ones and we have a laugh. I'm not that useless (apart from my twat of a dp maybe)

arghh too many typos sorry if parts don't make sense, very tired

Sheepy - please don't bite my head off because I am on your side and I can see you have an awful lot on your plate. And I am QUEEN of messy houses. I hate doing the dishwasher and washing up, there are always dirty pots in my kitchen, there is ALWAYS piles of clean washing all over my house, always stuff on the stairs, toys all over the floor etc. I would be livid if anyone suggested this made me in any way a neglectful parent. So I completely understand how you are feeling.

But - have you got really really good reliable contraception sorted out? It honestly sounds like you don't need any more children just now.

dont worry about typos and dont worry about what people on here think.
do what you said,point out you were offended but maybe also say that apart from that how well it works for you.

hope it all works out sheep

Sounds as if the real problem is your DP.

trust me bibitty there is absolutely NO WAY I am having another one. I'm not that daft don't worry

yes alouise i think dp is a big problem although I did come in to a tidy downstairs when i got in and no washing on the line

thanks cheesesarnie!

Sorry but there's a lot of..

"well you probably need to be told" etc

What about the DP? Is the Homestart going to tell him too, I wonder??

oh she does when she sees him (if he happens to be off on that day) He looked at her all agog..

But yes he does need telling,

I know she isn't there to clean my house second coming honestly, I kept saying leave it you don't have to if you don't want to. She really did say that she wanted to do it. I felt like I was being judged and I do not want to be judged.

I think people are imagining all sorts here, my house was messy but it wasn't dirty. My bathroom was clean as as was my downstairs loo, yes my kitchen was a mess as was my front room but with baby toys on the floor and the sofa throws awry and the cushions everywhere and somelaundry on the table.

arghh I'm going to leave this thread now I thing, and go and have a fresh start tomorrow

I think if you have a lovely HS volunteer then maybe you should try telling her that what she said upset you.

I had a miserable experience with HS to be honest. I had come out of hospital after spending 6 weeks in there with crushing depression after my youngest was born. I also had a 18 month old and a 7 year old with ASD. I was supposed to have a family support worker but they hardly ever turned up - I think I was supposed to have them every week for a couple of months, or something, but I only saw them about 3 times. Then a HS volunteer was arranged for me - she came twice and then quit. It made me feel awful - that I was a terrible person and nobody could bear me for long enough to even try to help me sort my life out. Even now, 6 years on and with the benefit of no longer being quite as over sensitive as I was then, it still makes me feel .

Anyway - if she is nice then just try letting her know how you feel. I am sure as long as you are calm about it then she will understand and hopefully think a bit harder before she says things....

I'm sorry you had a bad experience with a homestart volunteer oak maiden when you are at your most vulnerable and you are rejected by a volunteer it can make you feel awful, it happened to me with my last volunteer too.

Sometimes I do think that volunteers (homestart) really do not understand what it means and how demanding volunteering can be and thats not thier fault, its the coordinator thats at fault for not always matching them to the right family. My previous volunteer stopped coming in the end because she didn't understand what commitment she would have to give, she just thought it would be 'fun'

Its ok second coming i know you're not having a go, I do know what your trying to say. I think she is right, i know she is she just didn't do it right. I think she is great I really do but I have only just started to have her as my volunteer and we haven't had time to build the trust up as she has had lots of time off

sheep - I do understand now that it was (probably) nothing to do with me and it was just things going on for her. But at the time I wasn't really in a place that I could see that very clearly. I just felt, as you say, rejected. Which is very hard when your sense of worth is already non-existant....

However, things are relatively good now, so it all worked out in the end. Although my house is genuinely an untidy and not as clean as it could be dump....

I hope you manage to settle things for you too.

oh I started to clean the kitchen myself when she took my daughters to the shop, she came back made me sit down and then she wouldn't let me help me do my own kitchen

I didn't know what to make of that

me too.

pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease someone.
had quick run around in public rooms earlier.but.......groan.hate housework.