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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think a school should be able to look after a child for over an hour?

631 replies

pingu2209 · 24/05/2011 22:47

More of a "is my friend being unreasonable" or the school?

A mum friend of mine has a career job but can't afford a nanny. A nanny would cost all of her salary. She uses the before and after school club. She works 1 hour away and her husband works 1 1/2 hours away from school. She was phoned up and asked to come and collect her son as he had a temperature and a rash.

She said, "okay I will be there in about 1 1/4 hours." The school office said, "well we need you here asap, can you get someone to come in the next 10 mins?"

My friend said, "no, I don't have any family living near by and I am uncomfortable asking a friend to pick up my son who is ill and may be contagious."

The school said to her, "you need to have an emergency contact who can get here in under 10 mins."

She replied, "well that would be great in an ideal world, but we are not from here and have no family. A friend would pick up if I was running late, but as all my friends here have children, I can't ask them to pick up my son who is ill. I am just over an hour away but the longer I am on the phone to you the longer I will be. I need to make a couple of calls to cancel meetings etc. I can't just run out, I need about 15 mins just to close up my desk etc."

I understand that a school is there to educate our children, it is not childcare or a 'sick room'. However, surely they need to understand that if both parents are working and they don't have a nanny, one of them will be along as soon as possible.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
mamandeouisti · 25/05/2011 00:23

Don't think your friend was being unreasonable as a one off "it'll take me an hour"...but really is important to have a list of several people you could call on if necessary. What if you were run over by a bus? Would you want your child handed over to social services for the night or would you rather they went home with someone you know they'd feel safer with? I work PT and I would pick up possibly contagious children for friends just so the child feels better. I live nowhere near any relatives and have a list of pals who would do the same for me. The 10 min rule does seem ridiculous...but I think that's the school erring on the side of caution eg. huge hint to get here asap and is not a realistic expectation. Your friend sounds really organised and gave a very clear estimation of when she would get there. Most people would say I'm on my way...and it would take them 40 mins to turn up! I don't think school are being unreasonable either...they just have to deal with the situation as best they can (which sometimes means being a bit blunt with parents who don't seem in any hurry to get there when requested) and how many schools these days have spare staff floating around?

TheSkiingGardener · 25/05/2011 00:23

The school is being totally unreasonable. In a perfect would we would be able to get to our DCs at any moment. However, in reality we have to settle for getting there as soon as we possibly can. The school is being ridiculous.

ChippingIn · 25/05/2011 00:24

Seeker - so what's your solution then? Of course it's not ideal. In the ideal world, as far as the child is concerned, Mummy would be sitting at home by the phone just waiting in case she's needed.... we don't live in that world.

Pingu - the school is being ridiculous. The vast majority of parents would be unable to pick up within 10 many and many children would have to wait an hour or more. We don't all live & work in small villages anymore - the school need a reality check. It's no fun for the child, but such is life I'm afraid - you can't fly, you can magic up handy relatives on demand & you can't impose a sick child on a neighbour/childminder/random SAHP. If the child needs immediate medical care then they need to call 999, if not, quit the bellyaching and look after the child they're in loco parentis for.

pigletmania · 25/05/2011 00:24

can't turf them out on the streets can you really Hmm

pigletmania · 25/05/2011 00:27

As for the suggestion of getting a job nearby, well jobs are very thin on the ground and you can't afford to be picky if you are making ends meet. That is life, we are not all able to sit by the phone waiting to be called in an emergency.

takethisonehereforastart · 25/05/2011 00:33

School was being unreasonable.

I think most people here have agreed that ten minutes is unreasonable even when one parent is actually already at the school waves to CRS because I saw her Grin

There are so many reasons why parents might not be able to get there in that time and many people aren't based in an office etc, many of them travel about and work at various locations, so even if their work base is nearby they could still be miles away when a call comes through.

And even the best childcare arrangements can fall apart if the people on the list are out or ill themselves or busy or on holiday or whatever.

It's not ideal to leave a child waiting for over an hour when they are ill but the OP's friend was not being unreasonable to explain that getting there as quickly as possible was still going to take her over an hour and that she had nobody else to call for help. I've lived away from all my friends and family and it is hard to manage when you have nobody nearby to help when you need it.

But I'm sure that the OP's friend feels guilty enough anyway that she couldn't get to her child any sooner and she doesn't need the school to guilt-trip her about it.

Lovecat · 25/05/2011 00:35

School is totally unreasonable.

I work 30 mins from DD's school and it takes me a good 15 mins to shut down and pack up. SIL works cclose to school but is only paid by the hour so can't just run out the door not knowing if she'll be able to get back to do her hours before picking her own children - who she won't want infected - up. MIL lives 15 mins drive away but selfish pleasure seeker that she is, she's not sitting poised by the phone all day because she may need to go to the shops.

The school has rang me once when DD was sick, I explained that no-one could get there before 45 mins, they were fine.

differentnameforthis · 25/05/2011 01:34

no, I don't have any family living near by and I am uncomfortable asking a friend to pick up my son who is ill and may be contagious

But she doesn't mind leaving him in an after school club?

ohmyfucksy · 25/05/2011 01:48

School very unreasonable.

I can remember being ill at school and both my parents were working. I stayed in the sick room until one of them arrived. What's wrong with that? 'Emergency contact' - if it's really an emergency they should go to hospital. A poorly child can lie down in a quiet room for an hour while parent makes their way there.

heleninahandcart · 25/05/2011 02:14

School. My work was in central London. Exactly 1 hr 10mins to get to school. When I registered DS for after school club I was told that if I didn't have an alternative emergency contact he could not attend.

I had just moved to the area. Single parent with absolutely no backup. The whole system is designed on a 1950's assumption that there is a SAH parent with a pinny on just down the road.

It is a reasonable assumption that if parents are using the after school club they may be at work and therefore, may take longer than 10 minutes to get there.

iscream · 25/05/2011 02:17

Your friend and every parent, really does need to have an emergency person (or two) for times like this. If for some reason, you don't know people around the school or your home, perhaps check the school office and see if they have a list of child care providers.

I think the school was right in telling her she needed a reliable and dependable emergency person to be available, it isn't like they called child services or anything. No point in having someone for emergency who won't take the child if ill.

She should take it as constructive criticism, and do something to ensure it doesn't happen again..

iscream · 25/05/2011 02:18

I forgot, your friend is the one who is BU.

sunnydelight · 25/05/2011 06:10

But surely part of the problem iscream is that a childcare provider will not pick up a child who is sick as it would impact on the other kids in their care. People might "need" to have an emergency person but sometimes that isn't possible and as lots of people have said even their emergency person couldn't get there within 10 minutes. Our school has lots of expats (including us) who literally don't know a soul when they arrive. The school understand that (and the fact that it could take some time before you make a good enough friend to be able to ask a favour of). They deal with it.

mummytime · 25/05/2011 06:26

10 minutes is totally unreasonable, from home with the car I can't guarantee getting to my kids senior school in that time, and lots of parents couldn't get there from home to the junior school either. Also even SAHM have a life, and do move out of the home and may take longer than normal to pick up a sick child.
YABU I would pick up a sick child for a friend in an emergency, and if it seemed like Meningitis I would take them to A and E. (Exceptions would be if I had a new born, or an immune suppressed child.)
If this happened to me, I might well phone a friend to see if they could help.

bigTillyMint · 25/05/2011 06:38

I agree that 10mins is totally unreasonable.

Your friend should have said " Right, I'm leaving work straight away, I'' be there as soon as I possibly can." And done that.
It isn't nice for an ill child to have to wait around in the school office (particularly if the office staff are dragonsWink), so I think she needs a friend or two lined up who would be able to pick him up much quicker and then she could get to them asap. At least they could lie him on the sofa with the TV, a blanket and a bowl!

meditrina · 25/05/2011 06:45

I think the school is BU.

The parent in this case did drop everything to go straight there - it's the physical length of journey that's the sticking point here, not her attitude.

Also, she does have emergency contacts, they just didn't cover the possibility of an infectious child because of the other children in the household - hardly unusual. And from the child's point of view, it's probably better to wait in school for the longer time than to have to go one place and then travel again home.

Interesting to see that this thread has focussed on mothers and how far they work away from the school. I wonder if any lone fathers who commute or SAHDs who might have the temerity to go swimming or have their own medical/dental appointments would be spoken to in the same y.

bonkers20 · 25/05/2011 06:52

I imagine the school DID care for the child, so they did carry out their responsibility. I think your friend is at fault for not having any thing in place to collect her child sooner than about an hour.

In her position I would apologise to the school and say that in this instance you can't get there sooner but would make it priority to find a nearer contact.

She would have been asked to provide EMERGENCY contact details. Being an hour away is not being available for an emergency.

Maybe the school secretary got a bit impatient with the mother maybe being a bit blase about it all? It might be worth talking to the head to get full clarification of what is expected.

Yeah, 10 mins is a bit silly and as other have said in that case, call an ambulance.

Bonsoir · 25/05/2011 06:56

I don't think it's the school's job to take care of ill children. I wouldn't personally be at all happy leaving my child at a school with no parent/next of kin nearer than one hour away.

CurrySpice · 25/05/2011 07:01

Punkatheart, while both your examples have been interetsting, they are absolutely NOTHING LIKE this scenario!!

The school IBTU. Today I am driving from Essex to Shropshire and back. I am not 10 mintutes away

Their dad would take at least half an hour, presmuming they could track him down (not always near a phone in his job)

Goblinchild · 25/05/2011 07:02

We look after sick children until their parent or carer turns up, and it can be any time from 5 minutes to over an hour. Few schools have sick rooms now, or quiet rooms to lie down in, so they are usually outside the office.
However, I work in a commuter town where many of the parents have jobs in London. I assume that they try and get to their child ASAP and usually they do their very best.
Some parents really don't have an extended network of help. It's one of the areas our ethnic minority groups within the school excel at, and I wish that the practise would spread further in our school culture.
In an ideal world, the child would have someone within 10 minutes, few parents would argue that. But I think the school is being unrealistic.

Sirzy · 25/05/2011 07:09

I'm not sure it's a case of anyone being unreasonable, just both parties looking at it from a different pov.

The mother will feel stuck and be rushing to get there as quick as she can, probably already feeling guilty so cant be there in a flash. The school however are sat with a poorly little boy who probably just wants his mum and to get home, and a member of staff has probably had to leave what they are doing to wait with him or at least keep checking him.

In an ideal world there would be someone closer but we don't live in an ideal world.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 25/05/2011 07:17

I work fifteen minutes drive away from my boys' school. However, I'm a teacher. I cannot just walk out on my class. Hence having husband as emergency contact, even though he works further away. My mum lives very locally, but I can't expect her to be on emergency just-in-case school call all the time - she has things to do herself.

iscream - a child care provider wouldn't be an option in this instance, as childminders will not collect infectious children - as they have others to look after.

sausagesandmarmelade · 25/05/2011 07:23

Definitely the School

They should accept that in some cases it's just not feasible for parents to come within minutes.

Surely every school has someone who (a first aider or nurse) who would look after a sick child until their parents could get there?

Ishani · 25/05/2011 07:28

Schools need to keep up with the times at least half of parents work full tome and most have to travel, that's life nowadays and the schools need to be more accommadating.

StealthPolarBear · 25/05/2011 07:32

Yes, it seems as a parent you are told schools are NOT childcare, and are expected to be instantly available if your child is sick (fair enough) or if they decide to close early.
But if you don't work when your youngest is at school, you are lazy and workshy.

A mother's place is in the wrong.