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not to have reported this man?

104 replies

CantTell · 21/05/2011 17:49

My boss, who acted massively inappropriately with me. Started off just being 'friendly', then progressed to putting his hand up my skirt and trying to kiss me, and being quite unpleasant when he was refused.

I haven't told anyone official about it. I couldn't face having to explain it, and having people doubt it. Plus he has a wife and children - how would it affect them if he lost his job for something like that (if he even did lose his job - he is very senior, wouldn't be surprised if it was all hushed up)? I know it was his fault for doing it, but wouldn't I be partly responsible for the problems it might cause them if I did anything about it?

OP posts:

Cocoflower · 21/05/2011 17:51

but wouldn't I be partly responsible for the problems it might cause them if I did anything about it?

No! No way would you be responsible for his actions you cannot have that mentality.


BooBooGlass · 21/05/2011 17:52

You are not responsible for the actions of this man. ANd any comeback will be entirely his fault. Don't give it a second thought. Report the smarmy fucker


worraliberty · 21/05/2011 17:53

I'm sure you know you're going to get an entire thread of people telling you it's his problem, not yours and you should report him.

Sooner the better really, this man shouldn't get away with this.


CantTell · 21/05/2011 17:55

I think it's a serious point, though, that the repercussions won't just affect him. Obviously his actions bothered me, but enough to cause that damage? If I could protect people from that, shouldn't I?

OP posts:

BelleDameSansMerci · 21/05/2011 17:56

I don't think this is about being unreasonable or not... A bit more serious I would suggest.

Firstly, it is up to you whether you report him or not but if you did and he did lose his job it would be entirely his fault. How on earth would you be in any way culpable.

Of course, by not saying anything you are enabling him to continue with this behaviour but I had a similar(ish) situation at work and I did nothing official about it either. I think, if you work for a big enough company, you could register a complaint with HR but ask them not to follow it up (not sure about this). If you do that, and he then tries to use his position to adversely influence your future career, at least you will have the proof of why, etc.


stillfrazzled · 21/05/2011 17:56

The point is, it was his job to protect his family by NOT DOING IT.

And what about protecting the next poor employee he picks on? The one who might be more vulnerable than you and might feel coerced into sex?


youngwomanwholivesinashoe · 21/05/2011 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BooBooGlass · 21/05/2011 17:57

Let me be blunt. Stop being so wet and makign excuses for this man. Would it make a difference if he were single with no mortgage? Of course not, his actions are what matters here, not his family life. Which frankly is probably pretty shitty anyway.


smoggii · 21/05/2011 17:57

And when he goes further without your permission you'll be very sorry....


BeerTricksPotter · 21/05/2011 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stillfrazzled · 21/05/2011 17:58

Maybe his DW would rather know what sort of shit she's married to, too?


worraliberty · 21/05/2011 17:58

Why are you assuming his wife would want to stay with him once this came to light? She has a right to know what a pig he is.


sodiumion · 21/05/2011 17:59

def report him, hes responsible for the repercussion of his actions, not you.


lubeybooby · 21/05/2011 17:59

You really should report him, it's his fault, and NOT yours in any way. Plus, you risk things getting much worse if you don't. Report, report, report, ASAP.


nannyl · 21/05/2011 18:03


that man is the only person responsible for his actions

(coming from someone who has "ruined her step Dads life", because i got the police involved when he violently attacked me) Hmm Hmm Hmm

took a while to convince some, that the only person responsible for his behaviour is him... and he can take the consequences for his behaviour.


Tolalola · 21/05/2011 18:04

Agree.., They are his actions, his repercussions, and his damage. NOT yours.

Definitely, definitely report him. Do it on Monday.


atswimtwolengths · 21/05/2011 18:04

When you said he was unpleasant when you stopped him, I thought immediately that you should tell. What kind of sense of entitlement does he have?


Cocoflower · 21/05/2011 18:07

Its very honourable of you to think of his innocent wife and kid in this...

But you have to realise its not you responsible in anyway. Its him.


CantTell · 21/05/2011 18:13

Maybe he won't do it again. Maybe it was a bit my fault - he started off doing quite innocent things (hugging me because I was upset once). I felt awkward with him doing it but thought he was just being nice. I didn't say anything then. When it escalated into things that were clearly sexual, I felt I'd already given him permission by not saying anything earlier. I have been told I'm quite a flirty person. I don't think I am, I just speak to everyone the same (friendly), whether they are a friend my own age or an older boss - I think I must come across a bit forward sometimes.. thats why I think I might not be believed anyway

If it was your husband would you really want me to tell? I know his wife doesn't work, it could have a huge impact if he lost his job. I don't want to be even a bit responsible for that

OP posts:

TotallyUtterlyDesperate · 21/05/2011 18:16

I wonder sometimes if I have got into a time machine & have gone back to the 1950s or something. No, you are not responsible in any way at all. Not by being friendly, not by being nice, not by being wet.

It is him - end of!


BeerTricksPotter · 21/05/2011 18:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beesimo · 21/05/2011 18:17

Take no prisoners OP.

Don't complain because it will be your word against his. Next time he starts on you bring the heel of your right hand down as hard as you can on the bridge of his nose. He'll not go near you again, he is a cowardly predator and they always look for a lass whos frightened of them. If he does retaliate scream the place down and let the git try to explain that away.


BeerTricksPotter · 21/05/2011 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits · 21/05/2011 18:19

Don't make excuses for him and don't protect him! If he acts inappropriately it is entirely his responsibility and he needs to take the consequences. Next time tell him straight-'you do it once more and I will report it'.
You are never responsible for someone else's actions..


alistron1 · 21/05/2011 18:19

Sorry, but trying to put his hand up your skirt and kiss you is a sexual assault. You have to report it. If my DP was a sexual predator I'd rather know about it than have him in the lives of me and our children.

It is sad that in this day and age that you are scared of reporting sexual assault in the workplace in case it gets 'hushed up' or people think that you are lying.

What would make you report him? Attempted rape?

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