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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to have reported this man?

104 replies

CantTell · 21/05/2011 17:49

My boss, who acted massively inappropriately with me. Started off just being 'friendly', then progressed to putting his hand up my skirt and trying to kiss me, and being quite unpleasant when he was refused.

I haven't told anyone official about it. I couldn't face having to explain it, and having people doubt it. Plus he has a wife and children - how would it affect them if he lost his job for something like that (if he even did lose his job - he is very senior, wouldn't be surprised if it was all hushed up)? I know it was his fault for doing it, but wouldn't I be partly responsible for the problems it might cause them if I did anything about it?

OP posts:
beesimo · 21/05/2011 19:22

It is simple

He puts his hand up your skirt and you scream and shout them if people come rushing in you say 'he put his hand up my skirt so I screamed'

I just don't get this hushing it up carry on he's a randy old goat and there is no need for any woman to put up with his nonsense. Do you seriously think your the only one he has been doing it to.

Original poster
CantTell · 21/05/2011 19:24

Absolutely no proof or witnesses. He would just deny it outright and everyone would believe him

There is an HR department

Mme I have thought of that, and it would be my main reason for reporting it, but everything else stacks up against it - lack of proof, his family, me being weak...

OP posts:
beesimo · 21/05/2011 19:31

I have tried and tried not to mention this option as I always get flamed but have you not got a Father and Brothers OP?

exoticfruits · 21/05/2011 19:32

Use a tape recorder and he can't wriggle out.
He couldn't put his hand up your skirt in the supermarket so he can't in the office.

SardineQueen · 21/05/2011 19:33

You go and talk to HR. You don't have to couch it in terms of "I was sexually assaulted and want to lodge a formal complaint" - you can go in for a chat and say that you are concerned about the behaviour of one of your colleagues and take it from there.

You must do something. If you didn't have an HR dept then it would be difficult, sure. But you do, so talk to them.

ccpccp · 21/05/2011 19:40

Now now Fanjo! I've been posting on mumsnet for ages.

A few more months and I'll be royalty.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 21/05/2011 19:41

Yes,a troll prince

PlentyOfPrimroses · 21/05/2011 19:43

Wow, Once, you make HR sound really interesting! Grin

CantTell, if you're only temping and you're leaving soon you don't have a lot to lose by reporting this. You'll be leaving and need never see this man again.

ashamedandconfused · 21/05/2011 19:55

I agree you should report the creep. if its all made public who knows who might come forward to back up your story with their own, and yes, you could prevent it going further for some poor girl who is more vulnerable than you and feels it is "expected" of her

The wife may well know what he is like and be turning a blind eye, but she may not have a clue, and deserves to know if she is totally in the dark about what a sleazeball he is

Original poster
CantTell · 22/05/2011 12:55

The bottom lines is I'm too scared to report him. I don't know where it will end and I'm quite scared of him as a person as well. He's very senior, he's much more important to the organisation than I am and everyone likes him because he's charming. I'm just going to try and keep away from him until the end of my contract

sorry. I'm not strong enough to stand up to him

OP posts:
TheFeministsWife · 22/05/2011 13:12

YABU and he will do it again! I had a colleague touch me in an inappropriate way when I was 19 and working as a clerical assistant. I took it higher because it bloody well effected me quite badly! I ended up going on the sick. He was married with kids and a lot older than me (old enough to be my dad), the bastards on the rumour mill managed to turn it around so I was seen as a floozy trying to ruin a man's career. Hmm Never mind that at 19 and with a gorgeous boyfriend (now DH Grin) I wouldn't have looked twice at the ugly twat! Made so angry. Angry In the end I left as I couldn't handle all the snide and bitchy comments. But I'm glad I complained as even though I left my job (was a shitty job anyway) there was a note on his record so if it ever happened again the poor girl in the future would be more likely to be taken seriously.

I'm sorry your boss has been a twat, but if he's tried to put his hand up your skirt then that's assault and a matter for the police as well HR.

MadamDeathstare · 22/05/2011 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFeministsWife · 22/05/2011 13:19

MmeLindor
You feel responsible for his wife and children's welfare if he loses his job.

How about feeling responsible for the little office junior he rapes (or pressures into sex) because he has always gotten away with it before. Does she not deserve protection?

ITA!

Original poster
CantTell · 22/05/2011 13:21

he knows I mind - he doesn't care

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 22/05/2011 13:27

You really do need to go to Human Resources. If he doesn't care about whether or not you mind, he is a danger to women.

MadamDeathstare · 22/05/2011 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare · 22/05/2011 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
CantTell · 22/05/2011 14:05

I don't think I could talk to anyone about it, Madam.

I suppose I could say something to HR when I leave, but I'm worried what would happen as a result of that. I can't imagine that anyone will believe me, or at least they might believe me but not enough to do anything about it because there's no proof. It's obvious from the media that a lot of people think women just make stuff up.

Nothing I do or don't do can stop him raping or assaulting someone in the future (if he IS a potential rapist) - it's not as though I have the ability to get him locked up.

TheFeministsWife, what happened to you is probably what will happen to me if I try to make a fuss. Even though I'm leaving this organisation, I still can't really afford to get a bad reputation - I have to be able to get another job in the same sector

OP posts:
emeraldislander · 22/05/2011 14:10

Are you for real OP? I'm getting outraged reading this. Being a bigwig in a company doesn't entitle your boss to stick his hand up your skirt FFS. Frankly you should be scared. His wife and family is a RIDICULOUS excuse.

He's testing your boundaries and you are falling for it. If you don't report this in some way he knows he can go this far and nothing will come of it, so he has the incentive to try something worse. Wise up girl.

Glitterandglue · 22/05/2011 14:11

Think about what would happen if he got prosecuted - a judge or jury will not punish him for being caught. They will punish him for doing it in the first place. You will help him get caught - you were not responsible for what he did. He had a choice of behaviours and he chose the wrong ones.

exoticfruits · 22/05/2011 14:20

I think he has far more to lose.
If you won't tackle him how about motherly concern next time-it might put him off 'oh poor you, have you got problems relating to the opposite sex etc'

Just thinking off the top of my head. My point is that you need to think of a way-not just sit back and think he is strong and powerful-he can do what he likes! He can't. The strong and powerful have further to fall. They get away with it because people let them. He is a bully-either you use the policy or you 'go it alone' and stand up to him.
Why start the thread if you are not going to do anything?

MovingAndScared · 22/05/2011 14:27

Its entirly possible that he has done it before - is there anyone in HR you think you could trust - to talk about it - but a good company would keep it confidential - and I would tell your agency too

PacificDogwood · 22/05/2011 14:28

It is hugely unlikely that you were the first woman he did this to and got away with.

It is even more likely he will do it again.

His behaviour may well get worse as time goes by and he gets away with it time and again.

You have a responsibilty to yourself and to others to not let him get away with it. Who on earth would you 'get a bad reputation' if you report and hopefully stop a sexual predator AngryShockConfused?? Have some pride and self-respect, please. If you leave this organisation without having done anything about it, you will feel terrible, mainly about yourself and you are more likely to come across and 'weak' and 'possible victim' all over again.

You really do have this all backwards - HE assaulted YOU. Who knows what shit his family put up with - do you really think he will be a loving supportive husband at home??

If you do nothing about this prick, please at the very least consider some counselling/self-esteem boosting/self-defence class - anything to help you to knee the next jerk who puts his hand up your skirt where it really hurts!!

Gawd, I am so angry - mainly for you and also a little at you, sorry.

Original poster
CantTell · 22/05/2011 20:38

I know that he is the one who has done wrong. But it won't be seen like that - I will be the one who is seen as a troublemaker for telling people about it. In their eyes he is more important than me.

Maybe it's stupid of me, but I just assumed he would be a good husband and father. I assumed he only had this 'problem' with me. I did say to him once 'Do you do this to everyone you work with?' and he said no only you.

I don't think I could say anything witty or shout at him. He does this thing of going very cold which is terrifying.

I'm perfectly capable of being assertive in pretty much all other aspects of my life, just not this

OP posts:
thederkinsdame · 22/05/2011 21:32

It's hard but I would say to him 'if you value your bollocks, take your hands off my arse and keep them where they belong. If you don'ttajke this warning on board, I'll take this further.I should warn you that my OH is very, very protective and if he hears about this you'll be drinking your meals through a straw matey.' (I know it's not strictly PC to do this but sleazebuckets like this tend to be more wary of the threat of another man beating the crap out of them than tribunals and shit.) FWIW, as a young un, I was sexually harrassed by someone at work, in a restaurant kitchen. He grabbed me and put his hand down my top. I toild him if he touched me or the other girls again I'd chop his dick off with a meat cleaver. He never laid a finger on any of us again Grin