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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not to have reported this man?

104 replies

CantTell · 21/05/2011 17:49

My boss, who acted massively inappropriately with me. Started off just being 'friendly', then progressed to putting his hand up my skirt and trying to kiss me, and being quite unpleasant when he was refused.

I haven't told anyone official about it. I couldn't face having to explain it, and having people doubt it. Plus he has a wife and children - how would it affect them if he lost his job for something like that (if he even did lose his job - he is very senior, wouldn't be surprised if it was all hushed up)? I know it was his fault for doing it, but wouldn't I be partly responsible for the problems it might cause them if I did anything about it?

OP posts:

Cocoflower · 21/05/2011 18:20

I really dont think you should wait for a next time though...

exoticfruits · 21/05/2011 18:20

If I was his wife I would want to know!

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 21/05/2011 18:21

If you've said or done nothing to suggest that you'd welcome sexual advances from this man, how can you be even 'partly responsible' for the fact that he's behaved inappropriately and deserves to face the consequences of his actions?

You need to tell; not just for yourself but for any others that he has tried to force himself on, and those who might fall victim to him in the future.

As for others doubting your word; everyone's free to form their own opinions and all that matters is that you don't compromise your honesty.

Write a truthful account of what has occurred, and resolve to report it at your earliest opportunity.

Original poster

CantTell · 21/05/2011 18:21

Maybe if I'd screamed at him the first time he wouldn't have done it again. But that would have been overreacting. Not that I would have screamed anyway, I know I wouldn't be able to

yes he has a massive sense of entitlement, everyone else thinks he is very charming and God's gift

OP posts:

SardineQueen · 21/05/2011 18:27

You need to tell. What if he tries this with someone straight out of school who is too shit scared to tell him to stop? It's sexual assault. You need to tell.

TheVisitor · 21/05/2011 18:28

You've been sexually assaulted, love. If he'd been a stranger on the street or in the pub would you feel differently? He needs reporting to the police. I doubt that this is the first time he's behaved in this manner, and he needs stopping before he hurts someone. Nothing you have done has caused this behaviour, this is ALL down to him and his fault. As are any consequences.

PlentyOfPrimroses · 21/05/2011 18:30

I think you know YABU but I can understand you wishing the whole thing would just go away :( Please be brave and report this man before he does this again to you or somebody else. If I was his wife I'd definitely want to know.

spooktrain · 21/05/2011 18:31

How old are you?

This man is a lowlife piece of shit.

It is very sad that you have accepted the concept of a woman being 'forward' and therefore somehow 'asking for it'

You behaved in a friendly way, he sexually assaulted you.

I am speaking from experience, I was sexually assaulted at work by the owner of the company - called into his office then kissed, pushed up against a wall and groped all over. Prior to that he was always paying me compliments, which I accepted smilingly. I was 23 and my sleaze radar was not up to speed.

But I reported him to the trade union and he paid a hefty fine and compensation to me. (This was 15 years ago, in Italy, that was the law at the time). His wife and grown up children also worked in the company and were all aware of what happened.

It was hard at the time but in retrospect I am very glad that I stood up to this sleaze and that he paid some kind of price for what he did. I was only slightly older than his daughter at the time.

It sounds like it might take you a while to process what happened, but please believe me that this is assault, and it is NOT YOUR FAULT.

beesimo · 21/05/2011 18:37

Cant Tell

What do you mean honey that you 'can't scream' that remark really worries me you have bigger problems than this gammy bastard if you feel you 'can't scream' you have ever right to scream if someones doing something to you that you don't like/want done.

I have taught my DDs as Mam taught me shout/scream/bite/scratch/fight but get that bad man away from you. He is the worse kind of abuser because he is making you 'go along' with the abuse, has something happened to you like this before pet.

WineComesInAtTheMouth · 21/05/2011 18:40

Report him as soon as you can. I had a similar problem last year, a senior colleague pinned me in a corridor and assaulted me. All my life I've come across like quarry for these arses, I have such low self esteem. I finally plucked up the courage to report him for both the assault and his threatening comments - that he was going to let himself in when I was sleeping at work and "get me" - and my line manager didn't believe me. She more or less said that I must have encouraged him.

I had heard rumours that he had been like this with other people but he had always managed to dodge the bullet. I would not let it lie and yes, unfortunately, it made life very difficult at work. I was interviewed 3 times, I felt like the management were trying to scare me into retracting. I did not waver and eventually he just got transferred with a warning. I was destroyed. Within 2 months he had done it again at his new unit. I phoned my area manager immediately and threatened to inform the board if he was not dismissed with immediate effect.

I had handed my notice in by that point, I had lost all faith in my (female) line manager. I found out she hadn't even asked him to return his keys, he could have come back at any time to repeat his actions.

Please do not let him get off with this. He assaulted you, pure and simple. You know you are telling the truth. Do not let him do this again to you or to someone else. It is hard to speak up, but speak up you must.

ccpccp · 21/05/2011 18:41

If you sense in any way that he is now treating you differently in your job due to the rejection, report him.

If hes got the message and leaves you alone, then jobs done. Some men are shit at reading the signals, particularly if you think you werent clear with them.

I suspect the angry reaction to your rejection was a kneejerk to the the rejection itself - he realised hed got it badly wrong. I doubt it was an attempt to intimidate you into anything. If not then of course, report.

BooBooGlass · 21/05/2011 18:42

ccp what a load of bollocks.

ccpccp · 21/05/2011 18:47

I agree BooBooGlass

Drip fed AIBU is annoying as fuck. Troll.

Onceamai · 21/05/2011 18:53

Can't Tell - this is disgraceful behaviour and it is not your fault. He is a horrid man and he deserves a come-uppance. Can I just voice a little bit of caution though because as you say he is very senior he may wield influence and he may be professionally very important to the company. First and foremost you need to protect yourself. How large is the company. Is there a union. Do you know if he has a track record for this. Is there any CCTV in the area concerned.

If nobody witnessed what happened you need to be aware that this may be a case of your word against his. He is the bigger fish. That isn't right but it is a fact.

I am an HR Manager in a public sector organisation. If you came to see me I would talk your concerns through with you and i would advise you of the grievance procedure if that is the route you wanted to go. In the absence of any evidence I don't think that route would be particularly helpful. Behind the scenes I would engineer a chat with his boss; I would send him on a professional boundaries course having made sure a very careful conversatino took place with the shit him. Probably along the lines of "we have had some concerns raised lately about inappropriate behaviour and want to raise the profile of the risks relating to harassment and the damage it could cause to this organisation. I would look at making sure his office was moved to a more habited area if possible and had a glass screen, etc. I would encourage you to look for a transfer in house or externally and help you with that process. I would make sure that he wouldn't fancy his chances next time. But you wouldn't see much of what went on and I wouldn't be able to formalise it or publicly acknowledge it for you.

Original poster

CantTell · 21/05/2011 18:55

ccp, I think BooBoo was actually talking about your post not mine (correct me if I'm wrong BooBoo)

the reason I said 'couldn't scream' is not some deep psychological thing, but the thought that people might come rushing and expect an explanation

OP posts:

southofthethames · 21/05/2011 19:03

OP, you ought to report it. Otherwise he might attack you again - and the next attack could be much more serious. I think the others have alluded to what that might be already. If you don't feel comfortable telling another work department, report it to the police. If a stranger did that to you on the bus, you'd have informed the police.

SardineQueen · 21/05/2011 19:09

I don't think I'd scream if something like this happened in an office at work, I don't think it's that strange not to do so! A lot of people don't like to make a fuss IYSWIM.

ccp what atrocious advice. A man sticking his hand up someone's skirt is not making a pass at them. I don't know any men who would consider it a usual first move to stick their hand straight up someone's skirt.

He assaulted her.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 21/05/2011 19:10

Ccpccp..people in glass houses...

Original poster

CantTell · 21/05/2011 19:12

Onceami, he is The Boss. THere isn't really anyone higher than him. I am not even a permanent employee, mine is a temporary contract (which will not carry on much longer). There is no CCTV except on the entrances/exits to the building

The 'wouldn't scream' thing wasn't supposed to be a deep psychological statement, only that if I did that, people would probably come in and expect to know what had been going on.

OP posts:

Nancy66 · 21/05/2011 19:13

The guy is a pervert - perverts usually escalate their behaviour unless stopped

activate · 21/05/2011 19:15

Do you have proof or a witness?

because it'll be your word against his and he will not just go "Oh I did it"

I'm not sure I would report if I had neither - but I would stand up to him and tell him a thing or two

SardineQueen · 21/05/2011 19:15

Do you have an HR department?

BooBooGlass · 21/05/2011 19:16

Canttell, this thread could go on forever with you makign excuses as to why you won't report him. It's making me quite angry actually, you're being so apologist about and for him. If you won't report this, then noone can say anything to convince you otherwise.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 21/05/2011 19:17

Even if no witnesses I'm sure he wouldn't enjoy a visit from the police, at his home. You don't know, maybe complaints have been made against him before.

MmeLindor. · 21/05/2011 19:18

You feel responsible for his wife and children's welfare if he loses his job.

How about feeling responsible for the little office junior he rapes (or pressures into sex) because he has always gotten away with it before. Does she not deserve protection?

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