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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not tell anyone dd's musilm friend ate meat?

126 replies

elphabadefiesgravity · 18/05/2011 20:04

I suppose this is more of a what would you do if anything.

I was asking hte children what they had for lunch at school today so I could plan tea. Dd said we had spaghetti bolognese, ds said I had veggie sausages and pasta (he's not veggie but doesn't like meat much.

Anyway dd said I tried a bit of x's veggie sausage in return for some of my bolognese.

Dd's best friend is muslim and only eats vegetarian food at school. I have seen her younger sister at parties ask if food is halal and I overheard snatches of a conversation last week between the teacher and her mum about problems at a special day when messages regarding suitable food or something hadn't got through or one of them had eaten something by accident - not quite sure as I didn't hang around to eavesdrop.

Part of e thinks that she is 9 years old and so able to make her own choices - apparently it was her idea to trydd's food as "no-one will know" but they obviously have strong religious views and also I don;t want dd to get into trouble for being part of it.

The easy thing for me is to say nothing - but is that reasonable?

OP posts:
seeker · 20/05/2011 10:13

But this isn't about ebing a veggie - it's about a child doing something which is specifically forbitdden by their faith. And whils I am with SGB on this, I am interested that nobody has addressed the issue of how Chrisitans would feel if their children did something inimical to thier faith while in somebody elses' charge. And the issue of 9 year olds being old enough to make this choice but, according to most mumsnetters, not to take responsibility for any other area of their lives!

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 20/05/2011 10:26

Can't stand "my child, my rules".

My 10yo takes himself to school, is left home alone for short periods and so on - and was a year ago. I've not been terribly proactive with sex education (as discussed on the other thread) but I've told him stuff on a need to know basis or as he's asked.

I did say not to tell the girl's mother about this. She took a taste of non-Halal (we assume) beef. Had she been gorging on pork sausages I might feel differently but really this would depend on my relationship with the mother. Actually perhaps I'd mention it to the teacher rather than the parent - as a heads up.

Morloth · 20/05/2011 10:33

I wouldn't say anything, sounds like a great big pile of 'Not my problem'.

seeker my understanding of Christianity is that one of the ideas is that there are no longer 'rules' that need to be followed in order to be closer to God etc. That was the whole point of Christ's sacrifice, that all sins are forgiven, all you have to do is accept the offer.

Not that that actually has much bearing on this thread but you seemed to want to find a 'Christian' alternative.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 20/05/2011 10:37

Actually, the most important thing about this particular incident is the the OP didn't see it happen and it wasn;t food that she had offered the child.
So to go whining off to the parents and sneak would actually be really disgusting, shit-stirring, officious behaviour - dropping a kid in it on the grounds of hearsay alone.

seeker · 20/05/2011 10:41

Wow, Morloth - perfect get out of jail free card!

seeker · 20/05/2011 10:43

How does this tie in with the roasting I got for giving a visiting 10 year old a sip of wine?

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 20/05/2011 11:14

A fully deserved roasting, seeker. After all, anything could have happened Wink

seeker · 20/05/2011 11:17
Grin

I imagine anything with a big black cloak and hood and a sort of foggy, indeterminate face looming in the background. Possibly with scary music playing......

knittedbreast · 20/05/2011 11:20

its not just muslims or jews that cant eat pork, christians arent allowed either.

there is a chance that all the meat at school it halal, but almost no schools advertise this for fear of pissing off the parents against the idea of their children eating it unknown. the parents may not have even bothered to check and asked for veggie food to get around any issues.

it really has nothing to do with you, (in a nice way!) its her religion and you arent her mum. most muslims i know have tried pork, most hindus i know have eaten beefburgers too. its just part of growing up, most kids will try things they are not allowed.

i wouldnt worry to much dont mention it to her or her mum

GothAnneGeddes · 20/05/2011 11:25

If my child had some non halal meat, I wouldn't be massively bothered, maybe a bit more bothered if it was pork.

Seeker - I would be furious if someone give my child a sip of wine, even if I wasn't religious. If you want to be a 'trendy parent', that's up to you, but you shouldn't inflict it on other children.

jstmedk · 20/05/2011 11:28

YANBU.

And I wouldn't worry about it. Nothing bad is going to happen to the child (incidentally, the child is not muslim, she is a child of muslim parents), although the school cannot guarantee the meat is not halal, there is a strong possibility it could be since alot of meat sold wholesale or in supermarkets in the UK is, quite simply because it allows for more people to buy it.
I wouldn't beat yourself up about it.It's all fairy stories anyway.

seeker · 20/05/2011 12:13

So. Fruiuos at a sip of wine.

Non halal meat, or pork OK.

Does not compute.

seeker · 20/05/2011 12:13

Furious - obviously.

beesimo · 20/05/2011 12:19

When you 'spit on' someones religion and their religious beliefs its not like laughing or mocking someone for liking Take That or being interested in a hobby you find strange.

My religion is a huge part of 'me' and I am trying my best to instill a feeling of belonging to something bigger than their selfs in my DC I truly do believe in the power of prayer and all sorts of thing you may dismiss as fairy stories.

We are Catholic but I would never expect/allow a Muslim or Jewish child to go against their dietery rules when under my care it is a matter of showing respect to other Mams and that I can be trusted with their bairns. As in not setting the cat among the pigeons a idea which some posters seem to relish the thought of doing.

Rebeccaruby · 20/05/2011 12:29

If it was a five year old I would mention it as they may not understand what they were eating. At nine she will understand what she was eating and it is her decision. At 11 I informed my parents that I would not be going to a Chistmas service as I was not a Christian. I went to a Christian school where we were taught about Jesus and The Bible. As I got older I started to wonder whether all these stories about walking on water and loaves and fishes were real, and decided they weren't, and I'd been sold a fairy tale. My parents were OK with this as they are only the once a year sort of Christian anyway.

It is natural at that age to start becoming a bit independent. A lot of the things we don't give 9 year olds autonomy on are for their own safety, like walkingto school or being home alone (although I tend to be in favour of leaving them to their own devices a lot more than most). Nobody will come to any harm from eating the odd bit of forbidden meat.

GothAnneGeddes · 20/05/2011 14:12

Seeker - I have very negative feelings around alcohol for reasons other than religion. Does that 'compute'?

Morloth · 20/05/2011 14:13

seeker 'Wow, Morloth - perfect get out of jail free card!'

I think that is the general idea, yes.

I don't care if people want to worship Dorothy the Dinosaur as long as they don't expect me to do it or get their kids to tow the party line, it ain't my problem.

knittedbreast · 20/05/2011 14:24

also whoever said this child is just the child of muslims rather than muslim how can you be so sure?

and actually according to islam, every single person on this forum is muslim!

exoticfruits · 20/05/2011 18:42

Hmmmmm. Shame this doesn;t apply to children in schools and Christianity!

Of course it applies. I do find it extremely weird that people, through accident of birth,are supposed to follow their parents, without free thought!
Parents bring them up in the early years to follow them-but it must have occurred to them that they DC will think for themselves later and choose for themselves. They are merely the DCs of Muslims, Christians, atheists, vegetarians, Conservatives etc etc -who know what they will turn out to think?

In the case of schools I would love people to show me DCs who have been converted to Christianity through school!!! I would have thought it was generally the opposite.

DH and I think differently on things- and DCs differently again-no one has every explained to me why it matters? I don't agree with my mother on lots of things-we still have an excellent relationship. Are we supposed to think alike because she gave birth? And if so why?
I am very pleased that I was encouraged to think for myself and have done the same with DCs.

mumblechum1 · 20/05/2011 18:56

I think Muslim children are under way more pressure to remain in their faith than others. In some countries, you can be executed for opting out of Islam.

exoticfruits · 20/05/2011 19:06

Unfortunately you are right mumblechum, I don't think they follow my reasoning and as you say can be killed. Sad. Parental control at it's worse.

CoteDAzur · 20/05/2011 19:45

Either this girl is herself a Muslim, in which case she is making the conscious decision to eat the meat (Muslims don't necessarily care for how animals are killed) and you should respect that.

Or she is merely the daughter of Muslim, being ordered to eat in a certain way although she does not want to. And sometimes, when she can get away with it, she has a taste of what she wants to eat. Why would you want to take that away from her and possibly even get her in trouble by telling on her?

In either case, YANBU. Don't tell her parents.

exoticfruits · 20/05/2011 19:53

The stricter the parent, the more you should give the DC leeway IMO. They have a hard enough time-why make it worse for them?

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 20/05/2011 20:54

Beesimo: to a rational person other people's religious beliefs are exactly the same as liking Take That or choosing to support one football team over another. And while I wouldn't encourage a child to go against whatever halfwitted primitive superstitions said child's parents are trying to peddle, I would certainly support a child in escaping them.

Your superstitions may be of the fairly harmless fairy story variety. Or they may be the sort of toxic crap that needs robust countering. I don't know, nor do I particularly care.

DoMeDon · 20/05/2011 21:03

YANBU not to say anything OP - wasn't in your care, was schools - agree with poster who said this is a whole load of nothing.