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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not tell anyone dd's musilm friend ate meat?

126 replies

elphabadefiesgravity · 18/05/2011 20:04

I suppose this is more of a what would you do if anything.

I was asking hte children what they had for lunch at school today so I could plan tea. Dd said we had spaghetti bolognese, ds said I had veggie sausages and pasta (he's not veggie but doesn't like meat much.

Anyway dd said I tried a bit of x's veggie sausage in return for some of my bolognese.

Dd's best friend is muslim and only eats vegetarian food at school. I have seen her younger sister at parties ask if food is halal and I overheard snatches of a conversation last week between the teacher and her mum about problems at a special day when messages regarding suitable food or something hadn't got through or one of them had eaten something by accident - not quite sure as I didn't hang around to eavesdrop.

Part of e thinks that she is 9 years old and so able to make her own choices - apparently it was her idea to trydd's food as "no-one will know" but they obviously have strong religious views and also I don;t want dd to get into trouble for being part of it.

The easy thing for me is to say nothing - but is that reasonable?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 19/05/2011 19:21

Really what good will come of telling over this child?

I suppose the only thing it teaches the child is that they need to be more devious and secretive. (I would bet that she isn't a Jehovah's Witness as an adult)

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 19/05/2011 21:01

Good grief, Tubby. What an utter arse the grasser-upper was!

LordOfTheFlies · 19/05/2011 23:42

DH and I are vegetarian (him 25 years me for 30 years) We haven't brought DCs up as vegetarian because I reckon it's their choice when they are old enough to understand.All of my friends who "went lentil" for ethic or 'trend' reasons reverted back.
I would hate to have my children feel guilty about what they eat or feel they had to be secretive.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 19/05/2011 23:57

Don't grass this child up. She's old enough to choose for herself and hopefully this is only one step along the way to abandoning her parent's fuckwitted superstitions altogether.
(oh and before anyone starts on about Islamophobia, I hold all superstitions in equal contempt).

IRCL · 20/05/2011 00:00

I wouldn't say anything. She is 9 so old enough to decide what she would like to eat.

I would hate for DD to feel she had to be secretive about food around me. Just doesn't seem right.

mumblechum1 · 20/05/2011 07:12

SCGB I love you.

seeker · 20/05/2011 07:22

I'm wondering if any of the "don't tell anyone" posters on this thread are committed Christians? If they are, would they want to be told that their child had been - oh, i don;t know - messing around with a ouija board or something?

exoticfruits · 20/05/2011 07:28

I think that you always need to be open and approachable so that your DC knows that they can discuss things or they have to resort to behind your back-which can get so bad that by the time they are teenagers they are leading a double life and you don't really know them at all.

If a nine year old is a strict vegetarian, they are old enough to ask whether a sausage is meat or veggie, if they happily eat it, without query (and carry on eating it, knowing it is a new taste) they are not a strict vegetarian-their mother is. Of course, when found out they will be 'mortified' and say it was a mistake. With a strong mother it would take a lot of nerve to say 'there was meat available and I like it'!
It is the same as DCs not allowed sweets, they will politely say 'no thank you' when offered one in front of mother-but everyone knows that when she isn't there they are pestering other DCs for them. I wouldn't tell on them either.

Once a DC gets to about 7/8yrs they are old enough to decide, without an adult behind them. It isn't my job to police DCs food choices. I provide the 'right food' whether they decide to eat it or not is up to them.

exoticfruits · 20/05/2011 07:30

When I messed around with a ouija board (luckily very short lived) I certainly didn't want anyone telling my mother!

fatlazymummy · 20/05/2011 07:44

springchicken couldn't have put it better myself.

ilovesprouts · 20/05/2011 07:49

i once saw an muslim lady eating a bacon sarnie in our local asda Hmm

grumpypants · 20/05/2011 07:54

Glad some of the posters know my children better than I do Hmm Obviously I am a total cow, depriving my darlings of turkey twizzlers! How about, they do know and don't want to eat meat - as for choice, I don't meet many parents who explain what chicken nuggets actually are; it works both ways.

I'm assuming none of you saying 'don't tell' are the subscribers to the 'my child, my rules' stuff that gets parroted on here?

exoticfruits · 20/05/2011 08:06

I absolutely can't stand the phrase 'my child, my rules' and it simply isn't true, unless you HE and never let them out.
You are in control of yourself-you haven't got control of anyone else.
If your DC came to tea I would serve veggie meal. If they came to a party I would point out the veggie choice-if I then see them take the meat choice I would keep quiet and not say a word. They are 9 yrs old-I would assume they understood my explanation.

exoticfruits · 20/05/2011 08:07

I also wouldn't be serving turkey twizzlers or chicken nuggets.

grumpypants · 20/05/2011 08:11

(i don't say my house, my rules - i meant mumsnet is so contradictory - choice for everyone on eminute, then my way or the highway another)

brackets as i am whispering to avoid getting into a big debate...glad to hear about the turkey twizzlers...i suspect they are an urban myth.

exoticfruits · 20/05/2011 08:26

I think that we are talking about 2 different things grumpypants, I wouldn't serve your DCs meat- but if I had made it quite clear what the food was and , as 9yr olds, they were helping themselves to the wrong thing I would simply 'not see'.

camdancer · 20/05/2011 08:29

I've been through the eating the wrong thing and being mortified stage, but I've also been through the eating the wrong thing in secret stage. I think both are very healthy parts of growing up - conforming and rebelling.

At age 9, this girl is plenty old enough to be aware that what she did is wrong in her family, but she did it anyway. As I've said before, there would be a difference if this happened at the OP's home with her knowledge, but it was something she heard second hand that happened at school.

Abr1de · 20/05/2011 08:33

It's worth pointing out that Halal slaughter methods can, in the case of supermarkets like Waitrose, be exactly the same as 'normal' slaughter methods, except that the slaughterman says a prayer over the animal. It was explained on the Waitrose website a few months ago.

seeker · 20/05/2011 08:38

Are these the same 9 year olds who are too young to know about sex, walk to school on their own, go into a neighbour's swimming pool on their own, watch Friends or get changed on theie own in the appropriate gender changing rooms at the swimming pool? Oh , or be left at home alone for 30 minutes?

Hammy02 · 20/05/2011 08:45

I wouldn't worry about it. He is not a muslim child. He is a child whose parents happen to be muslim.

RamblingRosa · 20/05/2011 08:49

I wouldn't say anything. It sounds like it was the child's choice. It would be different if it was an allergy related issue (eg. child was allergic to dairy and you know she'd eaten some cheese) as the parents would need to know in case there was a reaction.
In this instance, the only outcome of telling them is a) for the parents to be upset and possibly angry and b) the child to be upset that you grassed her up.
I'd leave well alone!

seeker · 20/05/2011 08:52

"I wouldn't worry about it. He is not a muslim child. He is a child whose parents happen to be muslim."

Hmmmmm. Shame this doesn;t apply to children in schools and Christianity!

SilentBob · 20/05/2011 09:03

ilovesprouts How do you know she was muslim? Genuinely curious btw, not havin' a go!

OP I would say nada, purely because it is none of my business. (and don't none of you muthaduckers come back with "so if you saw such and such happening you'd not say owt 'cos it's none of your business?" I am merely responding to the OP and would assess any and all other situations as and when they occurred. Phew, disclaimer. Done. Grin

SilentBob · 20/05/2011 09:03

Bollocks, forgot to close my bracket! Here it is )

Rhian82 · 20/05/2011 09:04

DH and I are veggie, and are bringing up DS veggie as well. We are fully accepting of the fact that accidents will happen - he's bound to get given meat at a friend's house or school at some point, and that's fine. And as he's older, if he chooses to eat meat then that's fine too - he just won't get it at home!

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