to be a bit hacked off with DHs family?

[SnuffleTurtle153]

This is a bit long, sorry.

DS is 2 months old. The birth was not straightforward and I've been in and out of hospital ever since due to repeat infections which have left me feeling a bit depressed. Ever since we brought DS home, on day 3, DHs family (namely parents and older sister) have been turning up at the house at all hours of the day uninvited. This usually coincides with when DS is having a nap, so then they complain that he's asleep and do as much as they can to wake him up. Now that DH is back at work they come round every Saturday unnanounced, then stay for hours on end while we run around making them cups of tea. (They're not easy people, and have to be 'entertained').

A couple of weeks ago DHs sister turned up on a weekday while DH was at work, again unannounced. DS had a mouth infection and had been up all night and day crying and had just gone to sleep. She has 2 children under the age of 7, one of whom has severe autism. Both kids went straight up to the moses basket and DC1 put her finger in DS mouth. Then DC2 picked up my birthing ball and threw it at the moses basket. DHs sister told them to leave him alone, then did absolutely nothing when they carried on. I'm a first time mum and nervous that I'm doing everything wrong, and I've no idea of the etiquette about telling off other people's children, but after a DC1 put her finger in DS mouth for a third time I said 'You've already been told by your mum, leave him alone!'. I didn't shout, at all, but I was very stern sounding. DHs sister looked really put out though and left with them soon after. She's since spoken to DHs mum and told her I made her feel very unwelcome, then his mum spoke to DH and asked him to let me know that I should make more of an effort when people come to see me!

I've told DH that I have no problem at all with his family coming to see us, in fact I think it's very important that DS has the same close relationship with his grandparents as I've been lucky enough to have with mine. But I need them to STOP coming round whenever it suits them. I would also like it if they had the courtesy to speak to me if they've a problem with something they've done, rather than going through DH. He isn't willing to talk to them about it and I have no idea how I would go about it without offending them even further. AIBU to feel like this? And if not, how would you go about letting them know that I can't cope with them simply turning up all the time?!

Your DH should have used the opportunity to lay down some ground rules with them then and there. If he's not willing to do this and support you, the problem is really more with him than his family.

Your DH needs to start putting you and your DS first and making boundaries clear to his family

I just used to say 'sorry it's not convenient, call me next time' and shut the door in their faces

It was the one and only time I got good at standing up for myself. They soon got the message but there were a lot of grumbles at first. I hate people just dropping round unannounced.

Hopefully if you have made your SIL feel unwelcome then she'll stop coming around!
They sound very in your face, agree you need to set some ground rules with your DH as they are being incredibly insensitive an inconsiderate.

Don't open the door?

"Sorry, I didn't hear the door / was busy with the baby / was taking a nap while the baby slept / was in the loo and by the time I finished, you'd gone. Perhaps in future it might be best if you phoned in advance to make sure it's a good time. Save you a wasted journey."

Oh poor you, I also hate people turning up unannounced (baby or no baby!) so you are not being unreasonable at all.

You need to speak to your DH about all this. If needs be show his this thread, what you have written and the responses. It is a difficult time for a man who is close to his family and used to an open door policy and not used to looking after a small baby to see how hard it is to entertain and have unannounced visitors. I don't blame him, but he does need to wake up and see the reality and that you aren't being unreasonable. How hard is it just to pick up the phone and ask when would be a good time.

It is important (and you already seem to have tried) that he sees you are not anti his family, you just need some structure and warning and it is NOT right to try and wake a baby up just because you want to see it. How very selfish his family are being (even if well meant and through love) and he is being selfish too. He needs to man up and put his child and wife first!

Also, I think it is really important that he communicates this so that you are seen as a united front in agreement and they don't start whispering that you are being difficult. I bet your breastfeeding and can't desert him entirely on a Saturday to entertain plus look after baby plus do washing plus clean plus possibly get some shut eye during the day.

Don't open the door. You've clearly had a shitty time of it lately and need to rest and bond with your baby and this selfish lot are coming round uninvited and expecting you and your DP (mostly you, I bet) to wait on them hand and foot.

As for offending your SIL. Good. Let her be offended. Ask any mother how they would have reacted to someone sticking a finger repeatedly into their baby's sore mouth and throwing a large object at him I'm sure most would have reacted same as you, if not more strongly.

Let you DP tell his family to back the fuck off and in the meantime, put your feet up when you can and enjoy your lovely baby.

That business with your SIL not stopping her children from hurting your child is outragrous - of course you were not wrong to tell the child off! What kind of irresponsible or timid mother would you be, to let that happen without trying to stop it and prevent it from happening again?!

That you can and should do, no matter what DH is talked into by his family, but TattyDevine is definitely right, that your DH has to enforce boundaries with his family, because - disrupting your child like that aside - you can't live under siege like this. It is evidently disrupting your health and your family life, and - God forbid, even perhaps your bonding with your child (why else would you worry about telling off "another person's child" rather than preventing your child from being bumped and distressed and mouth-hooked?!)

The interference of DH/SIL's mother shows what a lot of work you and DH will have to do to stop them walking over you like this, but you can help him (and yourself) by spending more time out of the house, so their habit becomes a futile one, and they will have to start calling you (you should screen calls, too). Camp out at the library to get the time, if you have to. I was out of the house all day when DS was small, which was this time of year, so there is a lot of outdoor stuff you can do, too.

It's a bugger that you and DH have to make all the effort, to get these ILs to behave as they should, but you are the ones are living with the consequences, so you just have to get on and do it. Seriously, this is no way to live.

sorry, lots of x-posts!

No not unreasonable, it is your house and you have the right to choose when you have visitors. BUT I don't see why you can't be honest and if somebody turns up just say that now is not a good time, the baby is sleeping. If you really can't do that, why not say you are just heading out and arrange a better time?

Or say "Oh gosh, you should have texted me to say you were coming, I'm just off to Tesco/meet a friend/see the Dr, let's arrange a better time this week".

Early days are so hard with a new baby and people need to respect you will want your time, especially since it ws obviously complicated for you initially.

Just don't push people away if that makes sense? 'Cos your baby will not be small forever and there will come a time when you welcome the unannounced calls, the adult chat, somebody you can call at the witching hour....

Could you just ask them not to turn up unannounced?

Tell them that when baby is awake & it is convenient, you will let them know.

If they come at roughly the same time-can you be out for the next few times-or about to go out?
(Or would they tag along?)

End every bloody Saturday-jeez-is your husband happy with that?
You have to at least limit the time-and stop "entertaining" them!

Your husband can make tea & if he´s too busy, they can do it themselves!

We saw ILs every third Sat-that was more than enough.

Yanbu! I really don't take kindly to unannounced dropper inners either. In fact, my mil lives just around the corner from us....and she wouldn't dream of it...nor I them!

Ground rules have to be established here, and dh needs to pioneer the new way.

Put a note on your front door. Baby and mum sleeping, please do not knock or ring. You could then just forget to take it down till it suits you much much much later in the day. Hopefully DSIL will back off a bit now anyway.
Also, ask DH to fight your corner a bit more and lay down some ground rules, otherwise he will really need their help when you spiral into deep PND because of their incessant visits and interfering.

I hope OP's gone silent because she's out, or napping, not because some ILs have just barged in!

On the other hand, if this page is open on the computer for them to see...

Perhaps accept that they will visit and invite them at a specified time, rather than hoping they won't come . . . and I would be inclined to close curtains and not hear the door if you want to rest.

Also, don't worry about doing everything wrong. We all felt like that at one point, and still do on a lot of things. You'll be surprised by the time you get round to your third how robust babies are and how up-tight you were with your first!

Since I've been on ML I do find that some people expect me to be at home all day every day just waiting to receive them. So, I stopped answering the door and if the person called after knocking then I just said I'm in bed and thanks for waking me up. That soon put an end to it. You have to just brave through it I'm afraid and develop the skin of a rhino. That situation with your SIL is mad. If the baby's asleep you need to either put him upstairs and not allow anyone near him or ask the people to leave if they can't let him be.

BTW your DH doesn't have the option of doing nothing about this. He's your husband and has a duty to protect you. You're being very reasonable about the whole thing and he's being an unsupportive dick.

Sorry peeps, DS has a sixth sense and woke up as soon as I finished typing the thread! Thank you for all your answers - I feel much much better about it now. Didn't want to push the issue with DH too much in case I was in fact being a hormonal whinge-bag so I'm very glad to see that no one else thinks this is normal/reasonable. I did try the 'I'm out' bit once - locked the front door (they always just let themselves in) and crouched under the window when I saw their car pull up, but they walked round the back and came in through the kitchen instead and I had to quickly come up with a mad story about falling asleep on the floor! I'm going to talk to DH about it again tonight. It's not on and if it were my family behaving like this I wouldn't have a problem with speaking to them, so he ought to at least give it a go.

It sounds as though you need to get in the habit of locking your doors. Letting yourself into someone else's house is unreasonable in my opinion and I would be telling anyone who let themself in my house that I don't like people just walking in my house.
Time to be assertive and tell them all you need more time to rest and would like them to arrange a convenient time to meet rather than just coming round. Get your husband to back you up.

Yes, tell him you need this to stop. If you are desperate enough to hide from them, and they are pushy enough to walk into an "unoccupied" house, the combination is explosive, and will harm health and relationships (DH's with you, included!) in the long run.

May I just quibble with WriterofDreams a little and say I don't believe you are "being very reasonable about the whole thing", as this is an unreasonable situation, and there is no need to be "reasonable" with people like this. Or, rather, to be "reasonable" with people like this would probably mean being tough, not be accommodating as you are being!

Yes your DH definitely needs to speak to them.

He can be diplomatic, but he needs to be firm that it's absolutely not on for them to drop in whenever they feel like it. He can tell them that he doesn't like it so that you're not the seen as the 'bad guy'. They are his family and they will take it way better coming from him.

OMG-ILs who let themselves in

Cannot imagine anything worse than that tbh.

Take the keys back or change the locks!

TBH, if this arrangement was already set up, I´m not surprised that they are the way they are.

YANBU sorry u have such rude inlaws
I must admit I chuckled a bit when u said u had to tell them u fell asleep on the floor. Sorry.

I don't understand why they haven't "got it yet" from the incident with SIL to the time they let themselves in surely they now either think u need more time to sleep if your asleep on the floor or if they know u were lying they should realise it's because they're so overbearing!

I think u should talk to your DH get him to Agree with you then confront in laws together.

OP, you are not alone. Years ago my IL's used to just turn up unannounced and would spend all day sitting in my house, monopolising my baby. I couldn't drive and lived in a village with few places to hide, so I ended up like you - hiding in my bedroom pretending to be out and hoping that the baby didn't cry while they were standing at the front door and within earshot.

Trust me, it's no way to live and it makes you very resentful, even if you quite like your IL's generally. In the end I had to say that I felt stifled and needed some time to myself and could they call me before coming round. I was lucky because my DH supported me.

You have 2 options. The first is to tell your DH to tell his family to call before visiting and let them know that they might feel more welcome if they considered you a bit, respected your right to have visitors when you choose and kept their DCs from upsetting the baby. This would be the best approach because they'll take it better coming from him. He must stand with you or you will have bigger problems than pushy IL's.

If he won't do this, then the 2nd option is that you tell DH that you will be having a word and it might not be a tactful one. This might motivate him into taking care of this himself. If he won't, then you have to follow through and contact his family and say that you would like them to call before coming round in future as you may be out/asleep/ have other plans.

You have to demand respect, if people won't give it to you automatically. Don't worry about offending them, because they are not worrying about offending you. Be polite but firm. I would bring up with SIL that she mentioned feeling unwelcome and I would let her know why you spoke to her children about their behaviour and how would she feel if she was you? Again, be polite, but firm.

And keep your doors locked.

Lock the doors, do not let them in. If your DH absolutely won't tell them (and he needs to, they are his family) can you send a note/email saying how lovely it is to see them, but you're very busy with hospital/midwife/NCT meetups etc etc so from now on could they call you when they plan to pop round to make sure it's convenient?

But as the others say, your DH needs to man up and tell them, otherwise it's got much more chance of going down badly.

Show him this thread if you think it will help. Oi, Snuffle's DH, Get A Grip.

"He can tell them that he doesn't like it so that you're not the seen as the 'bad guy'."

So SnuffleTurtle has to be the "bad guy"? No. He has to put his personal feelings aside. It's not as though he's going to miss all these visits from his family* when he's out at work!