to be a bit hacked off with DHs family?

[SnuffleTurtle153]

This is a bit long, sorry.

DS is 2 months old. The birth was not straightforward and I've been in and out of hospital ever since due to repeat infections which have left me feeling a bit depressed. Ever since we brought DS home, on day 3, DHs family (namely parents and older sister) have been turning up at the house at all hours of the day uninvited. This usually coincides with when DS is having a nap, so then they complain that he's asleep and do as much as they can to wake him up. Now that DH is back at work they come round every Saturday unnanounced, then stay for hours on end while we run around making them cups of tea. (They're not easy people, and have to be 'entertained').

A couple of weeks ago DHs sister turned up on a weekday while DH was at work, again unannounced. DS had a mouth infection and had been up all night and day crying and had just gone to sleep. She has 2 children under the age of 7, one of whom has severe autism. Both kids went straight up to the moses basket and DC1 put her finger in DS mouth. Then DC2 picked up my birthing ball and threw it at the moses basket. DHs sister told them to leave him alone, then did absolutely nothing when they carried on. I'm a first time mum and nervous that I'm doing everything wrong, and I've no idea of the etiquette about telling off other people's children, but after a DC1 put her finger in DS mouth for a third time I said 'You've already been told by your mum, leave him alone!'. I didn't shout, at all, but I was very stern sounding. DHs sister looked really put out though and left with them soon after. She's since spoken to DHs mum and told her I made her feel very unwelcome, then his mum spoke to DH and asked him to let me know that I should make more of an effort when people come to see me!

I've told DH that I have no problem at all with his family coming to see us, in fact I think it's very important that DS has the same close relationship with his grandparents as I've been lucky enough to have with mine. But I need them to STOP coming round whenever it suits them. I would also like it if they had the courtesy to speak to me if they've a problem with something they've done, rather than going through DH. He isn't willing to talk to them about it and I have no idea how I would go about it without offending them even further. AIBU to feel like this? And if not, how would you go about letting them know that I can't cope with them simply turning up all the time?!

These husbands-are they really OK with their parents just walking in?

Well, tbh, even if they are, why does their wife have to be?

How would they feel about their ILs potentially walking in on them in on the toilet/showering?

Or going downstairs & finding them sitting there?

Actually, I bet Snuffleturtle and her DH DON'T have keys to the ILs' houses!

If that's the case, OP, smack them with hypocrisy, too!

My MIL used to do this, and only lived 5 mins walk away from the marital home.
I've been divorced 11 years now, thank God I don't have to put up with her anymore...the interfering old bag.
Was 36 wks with DD2, DD1 was 2 1/2. spent most of the night at hosp with EXh who had appendicitus. Her and SIL were hammering on the front door at 8am, when I'd only got back at 6am and was asleep with DD1 in bed,....I told them to fuck off when they started shouting through the letterbox and banging on the glass.
Am well rid!
Good luck for tomorrow....such rude people.

so has he spoken to them yet?

YANBU and your SIL was out of order with her children. But turning up unannounced and just walking in is how things are done in some families. I don't think it is rude, just a different way of doing things. And it seems common in the rural area my in laws live - especially amongts older people. The postman walks into my FIL's house and leaves the post in the kitchen for example. My inlaws are like this.

You need to start locking your doors and not answering when it isn't convenient. If they ask later where you were, tell them you were asleep as you were up all night with the baby.

Your DH won't be standing up for you as he may not see anything wrong with what his inlaws are doing, but may not want to say this to you.

If they have keys - fine lots of people do this in case of emergencies - put a bolt on the doors and use it. Tell in laws you are going to do this because you are worried about break ins now you have the baby so will have bolts on whenever you are in bed.

They may think you are strange, but it will stop them walking in.

DH went round there earlier, and asked that they call ahead before coming round. He said that we were asking everyone to do this because what with having a new baby, it's not always convenient to have people drop in as they please. Apparently his dad got up and walked off and his mum demanded to know why they were being asked to do this. DH said, again, that it's not always a good time, and gave examples i.e. I might be having a nap or DS may be asleep and we don't want him being woken up. He has reported back, though, that they were both greatly offended and he doesn't think they're going to take a blind bit of notice. We do have our key back. This won't make a great difference, though, as FIL always peers through the sitting room window before walking in (has freaked me out a number of times doing this) and we overlook fields, so don't want to put a net up, so he'll see if we're in.

I have told him that the next time their car pulls up we are putting DS in his car seat, getting our shoes on and greeting them at the door with 'Oh sorry, we're just off out. This is why you ought to call ahead' and then we'll go for a drive round the block. We'll do this until they get the message.

Either that, or if I'm having a particularly bad day, I'll simply tell them exactly what I think of them.

Would like to say a very big and very genuine thank you to all the people who took the time to read my enormously long whinges, and offered their own experiences and advice. Have felt a little bit mad recently and it's been wonderful having a sounding board and reassurance that I'm not being a petty, hormonal crazy lady!

Cheers

Why are they letting themselves into your house? Thats fucking nuts. Why even give them a key. My family have to knock at the door if they come visiting which is hard as I moved 100 miles away to stop all that shit.

My mother always used to put her coat on as she answered the door, if she wanted to see you, she had just got in and if she did not, then she was just going out. It's a useful trick.

I also have a friend whose MiL used to let herself in through the kitchen... followed by various other family members. One Sunday afternoon my chum heard the door open, her husband was out so she stood by the bedroom door yelling "I'm coming, give it to me big boy... OMG this is just fantastic.... and then she screamed! She waited a moment or two and then heard her back door being very firmly shut... MiL always rang after that. BTW, she never told her husband what she had done... :o

Hi Snuffle. Am glad that he went round and did what you asked. You are really not asking for anything unreasonable here, just some privacy and consideration. If your IL's take no notice, then they are actively choosing to be deliberately rude to you and are in effect saying that what you want isn't as important as what they want. In which case you'd be well within your rights to be a lot more blunt.

I think the way you have phrased this is very tactful. You've said that you are asking it of everyone, so not singling them out. I hope you achieve the desired results. Please keep us posted

Nice one snuffles dh for actually putting your wife and son first! Fingers crossed that he continues backing you up since you are definately NBU! This won't be the end of it though so good job you have a plan for when they continue to turn up unannounced.

If FIL just looks through the window I'd be inclined to wave and carry on as you are doing and ignore him.

Lattelady pmsl at your friend!!!!

Well, they do sound precious, don´t they?

Offended because you don´t want them just to let themselves into your house?

So, if you´re not in, did they let themselves in & wait, snoop around, what?

I can´t see why people find it so hard to knock/ring & wait to be let in-especially if they are expected.

Can I just pretend to cross-post with diddl?

As long as your DH was polite (and it doesn't sound as though he would be rude to them, given what an effort it must have been, to confront them - AGAIN), his parents just have got to lump it. Not everyone is the same, and it's very inconsiderate of them to want to force you to be like them (whatever way that is). You, on the other hand, have tried it their way, and it has made you feel hunted and stressed. You are not saying you never want to see them, just that you'd like a bit of notice.

You need to do something to stop it,my in law probs have been done to death on mn but suffice to say they ruined the first few days with my baby who is now 16wks,i became very depressed and ended up back in hospital with an infection,i am a very private person and they are the opposite,dh asked them to do (or not do) certain things such as be there expecting bed and board the day i came home 2 days after a section,they ignored him and made for a uncomfortable and very stressfull homecoming.My baby was then taken back in with serious condition so they ruined our only night together before a 2 week hospital stay.I am finding it very hard to move on but am trying for dh sake,they have also suffered as i am not as welcoming as i could have been and they see dd a lot less of us than they would do. tbh the last thing you need with anew baby is packing up and pretending to go out,i tried it and they just stayed put meaning i was out of my home feeling shit with a new baby and couldnt go home. I would highly reccomend jsut being straight with them and if they dont like it tough shit,i will never ever let anyone make me feel as low as they did ever again. Best of luck to you,be honest and straight out with it.

Just posting in solidarity really. My ILs have a key to our house and think nothing of letting themselves in ... fortunately never completely randomly as they live 20 miles away so I always know if they're coming to see us, but they NEVER even knock first, just let themselves in.

It drives me nuts but its the way they do things, I have been told off by knocking at their house, one is supposed to just let onself in! I have many times thought about being in a compromising position to try and get them to change their ways but dont have the balls ... although would LOVE to do what LatteLady did ... pmsl!!

I also appreciate just how hard it can be to confront ILs - I have a few issues with mine and have never been able to just say it like it is because of how they would react (any implied criticism of something they do usually results in MiL not speaking to the person for yonks) and because I dont want to put DH in a difficult position.

We always lived an hr away so fortunately "surprise visits" were out

Ils did have a key but fortunately MIL handed it over, albeit grudgingly & with tears in her eyes, saying "I won´t be needing this now will I?"

No, you won´t, ta very much!

But stabiliser-although it´s the way that they do things-why does it now have to be the way that you do things?

What does your husband think?

OH parents used to just walk in whenever they feel like it. Now I lock the front door when I'm home on my own so they can't and even if they knock I ignore it, I don't care if they hear DS crying, laughing, the tv etc. I want peace and if I want visitors then I will let them in otherwise bugger off and leave me alone!! I think they've got the hint as they don't call that much anymore!