to be a bit hacked off with DHs family?

[SnuffleTurtle153]

This is a bit long, sorry.

DS is 2 months old. The birth was not straightforward and I've been in and out of hospital ever since due to repeat infections which have left me feeling a bit depressed. Ever since we brought DS home, on day 3, DHs family (namely parents and older sister) have been turning up at the house at all hours of the day uninvited. This usually coincides with when DS is having a nap, so then they complain that he's asleep and do as much as they can to wake him up. Now that DH is back at work they come round every Saturday unnanounced, then stay for hours on end while we run around making them cups of tea. (They're not easy people, and have to be 'entertained').

A couple of weeks ago DHs sister turned up on a weekday while DH was at work, again unannounced. DS had a mouth infection and had been up all night and day crying and had just gone to sleep. She has 2 children under the age of 7, one of whom has severe autism. Both kids went straight up to the moses basket and DC1 put her finger in DS mouth. Then DC2 picked up my birthing ball and threw it at the moses basket. DHs sister told them to leave him alone, then did absolutely nothing when they carried on. I'm a first time mum and nervous that I'm doing everything wrong, and I've no idea of the etiquette about telling off other people's children, but after a DC1 put her finger in DS mouth for a third time I said 'You've already been told by your mum, leave him alone!'. I didn't shout, at all, but I was very stern sounding. DHs sister looked really put out though and left with them soon after. She's since spoken to DHs mum and told her I made her feel very unwelcome, then his mum spoke to DH and asked him to let me know that I should make more of an effort when people come to see me!

I've told DH that I have no problem at all with his family coming to see us, in fact I think it's very important that DS has the same close relationship with his grandparents as I've been lucky enough to have with mine. But I need them to STOP coming round whenever it suits them. I would also like it if they had the courtesy to speak to me if they've a problem with something they've done, rather than going through DH. He isn't willing to talk to them about it and I have no idea how I would go about it without offending them even further. AIBU to feel like this? And if not, how would you go about letting them know that I can't cope with them simply turning up all the time?!

.... get the kettle on.....

Glad you've had a chat to your DH. Hope you have a lovely Saturday, sitting around in your pants!

Just don't answer the door. honestly, no -one has a right to be let in!

Sooooo glad your DH has seen things from your point of view! Have a very happy pants day at the weekend!

Can I come, clam?

"I am going to celebrate by spending the whole of this Saturday in nothing but my pants"grin]

each to their own -good for you, OP

Lolol at the falling asleep on the floor story.

Your in laws take dropping in to another level but I quite like occasional drop ins for a cup of tea with friends or family - visiting or receiving. I always wait to be invited in or ask if its a good time though never assume. Surprised noone else likes surprise visitors. I think your sil was very out of order not controlling her badly behaved children and don't blame you for feeling that you've had enough

Well done you :)

You know what else I would, first thing tomorrow? - ring up SIL and say, very matter of fact,

'I heard through the grapevine that you were upset the last time you visited. I'm sorry you felt that way, but my baby had a mouth infection and I was worried your DCs were hurting him. I'm sure you remember how protective you felt of your first and understand why I don't like him being woken up or bothered when he's asleep, right?'

I think that will take guts but it will a) show her she can't just bitch about you behind your back and b) put her on the spot majorly. She'd have to have brass cajones to disagree that you don't want your small, ill son being hurt.

Well.

Quick update. DH agreed he'd speak to them this Friday and do the whole 'please call before you pop round' thing. I'd had a real whinge at him about it so he knew I was totally fed up. Yesterday afternoon he came home from work early to take the cat to the vets and we took our coffee into the garden because it was such a nice day. DS had been awake since 4am and not napped because his gums are hurting him (teething already!!) but had finally dropped off about ten minutes before, and was dozing happily in his basket in the front room. We were outside for oooooh.... about 5 minutes I'd say. I opened the kitchen door and FIL is stood there. 'Oh, leaving the baby to have a coffee then?' I was like, WTF?! Turned round to DH who was just behind me and gave him this look but with added 'angry eyebrows' and FIL said 'Oh didn't realise you'd be here'. So I waited for DH to say something like we'd talked about only hours before and he offered him a bloody cup of tea! Then there was a noise upstairs and FIL said 'Thats * (MIL) - she thought maybe you were in the loo or in bed' !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Brilliant, now I'm not even allowed to have a poo without them checking on me!!

So angry. I took the bloody cat to the vets just to get away from them.

Spoke to DH again last night in a very. Angry. Voice. He still says I'm being unreasonable but has grudgingly agreed to speak to them this Saturday. I have told him that if he doesn't say something then I'm going to, but it's now at the point that what I say is going to be very bloody rude and there won't be any going back from it. Problem is I know he won't back me up (yesterday proved that) so if I'd said something yesterday they'd just start muttering about how unwelcoming I am all over again.

GRRRRRR!!!

That wasn't a quick update at all, was it. That was just a really long moan. Sorry.

I'm sorry. Your DH thought you were unreasonable?????

That's it. Just ask for the keys back. I would go mental in your shoes. You could have been upstairs having a shower, or as you said having a poo with the door open etc.
I can't understand that people think they can just show up with no warning- how would they like it if you showed up at their house, plonked yourself on their sofa and asked for a cup of tea/food/entertainment? a

I think you will have to say something and I am not surprised that you are pissed off with your DH for not tackling this when he had such a heaven sent opportunity. Tbh, if this was me, I'd be at the point now that I wouldn't care if I offended them or came across as unwelcoming.

Tell your husband one more time that if he doesn't sort this properly, ie tell them they must phone and arrange a mutually convenient time to call, then you will. And tell him you are so pissed off that you are unlikely to be polite or tactful, so if he doesn't want a complete shit storm, he'd better man up and start dealing with his parents.

I'm on your behalf, so I can only imagine how mad you must be feeling. It would have been so easy for your husband to nip this in the bud ages ago.

by now i would have offended them so badly that they would never be coming back.
i think you need to tackle them head on, who cares if they are upset?
and as for your dh? invite people over when he is in bed/ shower/ bath/ hungover/ on the loo. and see how he likes haveing no control or provacy.

on't bother looking at DH any more. He will benefit from the new life, in which you are not being beseiged in your own house, but is too lazy or spineless to do anything about it. Sorry, but it's up to you,so go as mad as you like. He had his chances to do it politely, and your ILs had their chance(s) being told politely. None of them took their chances.

Oh God, I don't know what to say except to extend HUGE sympathies. They sound like a bloody nightmare. It's definitely not you.

Thank you peoples. He's going round there Saturday still; we've worked out how he'll approach this without offending them (very easily done). He's going to give them a bit of paper with our mobile numbers on (they have them. They're getting them again) and say that we're asking 'everyone' to please call in advance in case it's not a good time. I won't be with him but he's been well coached in what to say if they start getting eggy (giving examples of why it may not be a good time, rather than yelling 'Because it's our fucking house you rude sack of arseholes!', which was my original answer for them). This is a compromise, cos I've told him that if they turn up just once without calling after this, I'm telling them exactly what I think of them.

wow you are being very patient, I would have gone nuts and had the keys off them immeadiately. I fact I would have said we were both going out and dp would have had the bollacking of his life in the car :)

having said that it has taken dp approx 6mths to have a word with his brother about stuff which has been bothering us, so I do understand your pain

It was a threat from me that I would say something in the end and that I was already dealing with my mother that got him to say something, does he have any issues with your family which maybe he is holding back on and making him reluctant to say stuff to his own ?

Maybe prettywhite... He keeps asking why it's always his family that get it in the neck but doesn't seem to have an answer when I say that mine don't do this? ...He does dislike my sister pretty intently and he's never held back about that, so I think he'd let me know if he was annoyed with people on my side . He hates confrontation which I think is why he's avoided talking to them before now, but I think he's realised that if he doesn't then it'll get much worse.

well I think if you're open about it but don't bang on then its a good thing to be open about how weird you find each others family, me an dp certainly do it

my dp really didn't want to confront his bro but it really had got past a joke, turned out some of the stuff had already been said to him and he understood.

Perhaps you had best say something gradually, like just the occasional comment when they turn up and just say you're going out I would remark oh now ds is a bit older I go to so and so groups so you'd better call before you come round. Then the big confrontation doesn't have to happen.

If they turn up all the time just say you're going out every time, they will get the picture

Do not mention napping, napping is not important to GP !!!! Going out doing stuff is therefore you will not get any smit about it. Good luck x

Snuffle, I think you are astonishingly patient, I'd have told them to bog off out of my house. Imo you should do 2 things :

• get your keys back ( or sort bolts on all doors / gates so they can't get in.

• let yourself in to PILs house at 6am, sit on the bed, and have a chat about how fucking annoying it is when people just let themselves in. If either of them are in the bathroom, have the conversation there :)

oh yeah and I would have the locks changed tommorrow :)

I'm surprised you haven't exploded TBH.

Change the locks when he's out at the ILs. Give him the new key when he gets in. Tell him you'll have his balls for earrings if he gives his parents a copy.

YANBU and you don't owe anyone an explination for why you don't want visitors - it is rude and presumptuous to show up unannounced. I agree they should not whine to your DH about you but be big adults about things.

Not good behaviour. Why are so many men spineless when it comes to family? It would have been super easy for him to just say - call and check before you come. Then it would have been done.

I just re-read your original post. You are a patient woman. I would have told them whats what by now.